another update

[hellogoodbye2424]

Yesterday I received a message from her and it was just a picture of a baby - I know it's not her Baby, but why the hell is she sending it to me?  Trying to reinitiate contact and see if I'm still on the hook?

I didn't respond to it, not even to ask whose it was or anything.  I think this is part of her game.

[tryingsome]

This one makes me chuckle. Even if it were a mistake.

Look, here is a picture of a baby... .


pwBPD use what I denote as the dangling ellipses... .

... .




hoping you will fill in the ... .

[hellogoodbye2424]

what do you mean?  like she wants to have my baby?  even though she broke up with me in the most hurtful of ways?

[wanttoknowmore]

Sending picture of a baby... .very amusing... .There has to be some symbolic meaning about sending picture of the baby ?

Can someone please try to speculate what my be the hidden message in this ? Interesting .

[tryingsome]

that is where the dangling ellipses comes in.

It is called fill in the blank... .

this is common behavior I have seen with my exBPD.

just a bunch of open ended sentences... .

It is for reengagement, what that entails who knows... .

Could be:

I want a baby

I am pregnant

just a hook for you to respond

you are a baby hater if you don't respond

babies are cute

a friend of mine just had a baby

it was a mistake send <she might construe it as such>

i act like a baby

this is me emotionally

this is your emotionally.

That is why this stuff is funny. Who does this? Random picture of a baby. .

[steelwork]

I want a baby

I am pregnant

just a hook for you to respond

you are a baby hater if you don't respond

babies are cute

a friend of mine just had a baby

it was a mistake send <she might construe it as such>

i act like a baby

this is me emotionally

this is your emotionally.

Cracking up over here. Thanks--needed a laugh today!

[WoundedBibi]

that is where the dangling ellipses comes in.

It is called fill in the blank... .

this is common behavior I have seen with my exBPD.

just a bunch of open ended sentences... .

It is for reengagement, what that entails who knows... .

Could be:

I want a baby

I am pregnant

just a hook for you to respond

you are a baby hater if you don't respond

babies are cute

a friend of mine just had a baby

it was a mistake send <she might construe it as such>

i act like a baby

this is me emotionally

this is your emotionally.

That is why this stuff is funny. Who does this? Random picture of a baby. .

Yes! Dangling ellipses! My ex did that a LOT.

When I hadn't asked a thing he would say: "Why? It's a long story... ." But the story never followed.

You forgot one option    : "a baby... we could have had one... you and me... (dramatic sigh)"

[JerryRG]

Nice to see some laughter, I took my exBPD far to seriously for my own good, she's just a manipulative little child (brat) and needs to be treated as such.

Thanks everyone, have a great day.

[MapleBob]

It's "contact bait", regardless of what she means by it. She sends you a non-sequitur of a message, and you're supposed to reply, to satisfy her need to know that you're still out there.

[hellogoodbye2424]

Yeah, sorry guys - I should know better.  I haven't/won't respond to it, but I was just wanting to see what you all thought.  I personally think she's just fishing for a response, and likely will try again soon. 

I hope I get to the point where I can laugh about it soon...   Still pretty hurt by all that she has done to me.

[Caley]

Meaningless ... and void for vagueness ... ! The answer? NC ... !

... .next question? Uhmmm ... let me think ... erm, oh yeah, the answer to that one too would be ... No Contact.

Well done hellogoodbye ... I'd expect another benign follow up vacuum attempt, sometime soon. She hasn't finished with you yet ... ! Keep laughing ... and let the laughter heal.

Best wishes.

[WoundedBibi]

I hope I get to the point where I can laugh about it soon...   Still pretty hurt by all that she has done to me.

I don't think you will ever laugh about ALL of it because being in this relationship has hurt you.

But you can already laugh about SOME of it. That's important I think  

[tryingsome]

Yeah, sorry guys - I should know better.  I haven't/won't respond to it, but I was just wanting to see what you all thought.  I personally think she's just fishing for a response, and likely will try again soon. 

I hope I get to the point where I can laugh about it soon...   Still pretty hurt by all that she has done to me.

Didn't mean to make light of your feelings. Breakups are hard, but it will get better.

My point was that it is just to reengage you.

What you say, what she means -> is irrelevant.

Even not responding will likely make you construed as a villain.

It is a no win situation and does not illicit a response.

Hopefully in the future when you have healed you will notice just how wacky their responses are; and then you might get a chuckle out it.

Take care and work on yourself. Be the person you want to be, that is a good path to healing.

[Caley]

I hope I get to the point where I can laugh about it soon...   Still pretty hurt by all that she has done to me.

I don't think you will ever laugh about ALL of it because being in this relationship has hurt you.

But you can already laugh about SOME of it. That's important I think  

Please be objective here and don't take offence ... Is this a little bit of 'projection' Wounded?

Can it really be said that someone cannot get to a place where they can laugh about all of it?

[WoundedBibi]

I hope I get to the point where I can laugh about it soon...   Still pretty hurt by all that she has done to me.

I don't think you will ever laugh about ALL of it because being in this relationship has hurt you.

But you can already laugh about SOME of it. That's important I think  

Please be objective here and don't take offence ... Is this a little bit of 'projection' Wounded?

Can it really be said that someone cannot get to a place where they can laugh about all of it?

None taken     Maybe it is projection. I just can't imagine someone would be able to laugh about ALL of something that has been painful. Even way after the events.

For me I can imagine seeing it for what it really was, seeing my part in it, the dynamics, what it brought me then and what it brought me afterwards, I can imagine laughing about some of it (f.e. how ludicrous the love bombing was) but not all of it.

And I just can't imagine someone peeing roaring with laughter thinking back about their BPD relationship and how they felt when they were in it or how they felt afterwards.

But maybe I am wrong and it IS projection because for me the aftermath of the relationship has had an effect on my career. And who knows, maybe in 10 years time I will not only think "how ridiculous did I behave back then" (which I can imagine) but I pee my pants laughing thinking about it. I can't imagine it though...

[Caley]

I hope I get to the point where I can laugh about it soon...   Still pretty hurt by all that she has done to me.

I don't think you will ever laugh about ALL of it because being in this relationship has hurt you.

But you can already laugh about SOME of it. That's important I think  

Please be objective here and don't take offence ... Is this a little bit of 'projection' Wounded?

Can it really be said that someone cannot get to a place where they can laugh about all of it?

None taken     Maybe it is projection. I just can't imagine someone would be able to laugh about ALL of something that has been painful. Even way after the events.

For me I can imagine seeing it for what it really was, seeing my part in it, the dynamics, what it brought me then and what it brought me afterwards, I can imagine laughing about some of it (f.e. how ludicrous the love bombing was) but not all of it.

And I just can't imagine someone peeing roaring with laughter thinking back about their BPD relationship and how they felt when they were in it or how they felt afterwards.

But maybe I am wrong and it IS projection because for me the aftermath of the relationship has had an effect on my career. And who knows, maybe in 10 years time I will not only think "how ridiculous did I behave back then" (which I can imagine) but I pee my pants laughing thinking about it. I can't imagine it though...

Let's all be honest here ... with ourselves and each other ... the relationship is over but 'we' are not yet 'out of it', are we? Because we are all here, ruminating, second guessing and trying to find a semblance of truth to alleviate ourselves of guilt (possibly, someone else's guilt by proxy or projection).

And, whilst we're still 'in it' ... analysing their behaviour ... castigating ourselves for our behaviour (reactions to their behaviour), trying to learn better approaches, in hindsight and for future interactions, it's going to be pretty difficult to 'imagine' laughing yourself into wetting your pants about all of it. But, isn't it a good thought to think that a day will come ... when you finally let go of trying to see and understand what the thick end of a fart looks like ... you will?

It gets, and will get, funnier by the day.

What you have lost in this you will rebuild. Because that is your nature. What they have gained from you they will lose ... and be forced to seek another to replenish that which they cannot find in themselves.

Hold on to 'peeing your pants' ... but do it in dark trousers. That way it'll feel warm and you can enjoy the sensation ... but no-one will see ... ! It'll be just for you ... !

[WoundedBibi]

 

I'll keep it short as my tablet is doing my head in; every time I try to post a reply today it suddenly disappears so I have to typ it all over again... infuriating...

Yes    dark pants 

I'm still not sure about this guilt a lot of you write about. I think I felt very guilty at first (if only I had done blah blah) but not that much anymore. Yes, some of my reactions were stupid, so I feel guilty and ashamed about those, but I did the best I knew how back then.

I'm here so I can remain strong enough to stay NC (... ), to learn about what my reasons were to get into this relationship in the first place, how I can work on my underlying FOO issues and how to handle my panic attacks regarding work. At least I think that's why I'm here... Am I missing something regarding this guilt thing?

[bunny4523]

I think the hardest part is when we try to make sense out of their behaviors.  They really don't think like we do and it is a waste of time to try and get in their heads.  It really gets you know where. 

Let's just say my ex's name was Mike.  When I moved on, my boys and I used humor alot to get through it.  We had to move quickly and we found a rental near by that we liked and fit our needs.  Problem was, we didn't realize we were right behind a train until the last minute.  After we moved in and were dealing with the train noise and lingering damage from the BPD relationship, we decided to have one good talk/vent and then let it go. Stop questioning it, not let it ruin the future, leave it in the past. 

Anytime someone would visit and bring up the ex or the train, we decided our response would be... .What train? and Mike who?  It was our way of taking back our power and remembering the train was a small price to pay for our peace and freedom.  The train actually didn't end up being an issue, we got used to it. 

I still have to see my ex at work so I try to use humor as often as I can. Only in my own head because I need to keep him emotionally detached.  Anyways towards the end of the relationship when I was moving out (I had only been there 6months so I had just moved!) Dealing with the stress of it ending, having to work together still, my boys were starting school the next week, trying to find a place, the ex going back and forth emotionally, stay, leave.  I hate you but kiss me good night. 

One night I come home after looking at places and he lets me know that he went through all the things in the kitchen and separated our silverware.  Then informs me that he is missing 2 spoons and a fork.   Thinking to myself... .Ok, wow, really... .thats whats on your mind right now.  I just let it go but when he comes into my office, trying to start meaninless conversations with me, I give him short appropriate answers and steer him away but in my head I think to myself "Go count some spoons or something".   It always makes me smile and releases the anxiety from the awkward weirdness he puts on me plus it reminds me that I'm out and there is little he can really do to me now. 

[Caley]

I'll keep it short as my tablet is doing my head in; every time I try to post a reply today it suddenly disappears so I have to typ it all over again... infuriating...

Yes    dark pants 

I'm still not sure about this guilt a lot of you write about. I think I felt very guilty at first (if only I had done blah blah) but not that much anymore. Yes, some of my reactions were stupid, so I feel guilty and ashamed about those, but I did the best I knew how back then.

I'm here so I can remain strong enough to stay NC (... ), to learn about what my reasons were to get into this relationship in the first place, how I can work on my underlying FOO issues and how to handle my panic attacks regarding work. At least I think that's why I'm here... Am I missing something regarding this guilt thing?

Perhaps, your reactions weren't stupid ... but natural reactions to crazy making behaviour? Have you given that consideration?

I get it that you remain here to maintain your strength ... it's a good place for support, understanding, sharing and insight.

It's a common thing for modern therapists to place 'blame' on 'family of origin'. As dysfunctional as your FOO might have been ... you turned out alright, didn't you? You seem like the type that is considerate, responsible, accountable and who recognises and learns from your choices, mistakes and blind spots.

People who misbehave and find ways to rationalise, justify and blame others for their poor choices seek out people who give second, third, fourth, fifth (ad infinitum) chances ... from the bottomless pit of love and compassion that they are.

It suggests to me that your FOO did a pretty good job at teaching you what love, care, nurturance and compassion is. Perhaps, the only oversight was not knowing how to teach you to spot rat bags that would take self serving advantage of those qualities.

So, your ex-SO did.

[Caley]

Bunny ... you're strong lady.

[zeus123]

 Who really knows what's in the head of a BPD and what they think from moment to the next. It's easier to fly to the moon and back strapped with a banana than trying to figure out a BPD's mindset. It's something we can't ever relate to! One minute she is sending you a picture of a baby and five minutes later she might call the cops on you for harassment if you respond. Stay away from her she has an impaired/distorted brain.

[hellogoodbye2424]

Zeus you are so right.  That statement really resonates - going between extremes (for instance wanting to move in with me and a week later breaking up).  Speaking of which, she is probably pissed that I didn't respond to the baby pic

[WoundedBibi]

Perhaps, your reactions weren't stupid ... but natural reactions to crazy making behaviour? Have you given that consideration?

I get it that you remain here to maintain your strength ... it's a good place for support, understanding, sharing and insight.

It's a common thing for modern therapists to place 'blame' on 'family of origin'. As dysfunctional as your FOO might have been ... you turned out alright, didn't you? You seem like the type that is considerate, responsible, accountable and who recognises and learns from your choices, mistakes and blind spots.

People who misbehave and find ways to rationalise, justify and blame others for their poor choices seek out people who give second, third, fourth, fifth (ad infinitum) chances ... from the bottomless pit of love and compassion that they are.

It suggests to me that your FOO did a pretty good job at teaching you what love, care, nurturance and compassion is. Perhaps, the only oversight was not knowing how to teach you to spot rat bags that would take self serving advantage of those qualities.

So, your ex-SO did.

Yes, I am considerate, responsible, accountable and someone who recognises and learns from her choices. As long as I am single.

When there is a man in my life I turn into an idiot. "He's dangling the carrot of love in front of my nose! Yes! Finally! Someone to fill this massive void inside of me!" And I throw caution to the wind and ignore all   .

Then I start to show BPD behaviour myself. I turn from this 'nothing can shock me I'm a rock' woman into a dependent little girl. And because I'm afraid it will end I used to get clingy. Now I can avoid the clinginess but the pending end still makes me afraid, and I become clumsy and uptight and say and do all the wrong things. That combined with a BPD/NPD guy an his issues and push/pull behaviour is an accident waiting to happen.

But I keep going back. Not that a particular guy, but the same type. Every guy in my life is more disturbed than the last one. As if I want to get burned.

Being with a guy turns me from a just trucking along, not feeling a lot inside sort of adult into the panic stricken little girl with this vortex of emotions on the inside I used to be. Just being with a guy triggers my wounds. Still going after mummy's love, still trying to play out the same dynamics and changing the outcome, still not getting a different outcome.

I think sometimes it's not even the guy I am interested in, it's the fact he seems to be interested in me that sparks my interest. Just looking for a chance to repear the same dance?

Honestly, if I don't learn my lesson now, the next one might be so disturbed he will kill me. Maybe I've been burned enough now to stop when I see    and learn what I need to learn.

[WoundedBibi]

Speaking of which, she is probably pissed that I didn't respond to the baby pic

And she would have been pissed off too when you would have responded 

[MapleBob]

Speaking of which, she is probably pissed that I didn't respond to the baby pic

And she would have been pissed off too when you would have responded 

^^^ Learned that one the hard way. So true!

[Caley]

I don't believe she'll be 'pissed' ... I believe it strokes your ego to hope that she'll be pissed because you meant something to her. You did mean something to her ... but not in the way you wanted ... you were an appliance that delivered admiration, adoration, support, encouragement and positive emotion ... but tacitly you expected, in return, the same ... and when it wasn't returned you changed ... So, you became a defective appliance and were replaced/exchanged for another 'appliance' that did deliver what she wanted. You can take solace in that he doesn't matter either.

She'll not be pissed ... she's just reaching out (now that you might be reminiscing 'the good times' after pulling yourself back together again ... because she hasn't been there to confuse you) ... .in the hope that you'll be up for fuelling her fabulousness again. With what? A low energy, ambiguous pic to see if you bite. It's called a 'follow up charm'. (Ahhaa ... gotcha bpdfamily and your advertising filters ... !).

Maybe her latest primary source of adoration isn't supplying as much as she'd hoped and is either triangulating you with him (to piss him off) to get some negative charge and/or looking to recycle 'old faithful'.

You've got to hand it to them ... for what they invest ... they get massive return. Why would they want to change? They won't unless they're faced with NC.

That, my wounded brethren, is why NC is so effective. It is the harpoon, and it does hurt them ... but NC is not a weapon ... it is a gift, for you not them.

[zeus123]

i agree with everything caley said and i just want to add that NC is a nuclear bomb

[Lfisco111]

Reading this string  brings up strong emotions... .what has helped me has been watching videos from Lisa A Ramano and from the Human  Magnet Syndrome. ... .its hard to accept it us... .we created what we wanted without even knowing... our exs are doing the same thing... .and we can only heal ourselves... .when they get to to "ready point"... .they will too... .its the way I detCh with love. .anger fells yucky to me although I had to go through it to move beyond it... .maybe that helps someone out there deal with needing validation and wNting to help a loved one... .we really can't. ... oy they can... .and sadly it may not be possible, but we cant waste precious life waiting for someone else when You are the creator of what comes in to your world... .just my .02 cents... .namaste