Can you detach too early? So damn confused

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

First post here... .on a tablet too so forgive any typos!

Before I start I just need to thank you all for your amazing, from the heart posts. I live remote and I have just separated from my BPD wife of 2years (4 total). I'm out here away from my friends, family and any distractions and reading this board has been like therapy for me.

In the past 7 days I have found the following about myself and partner (she lives in another state)

-likely is BPD or at least flags for several tendencies

-she is already dating someone else... .likely crossed over with me by up to 12 weeks

-I likely have co dependent traits that allowed me to fall in love so quickly and ignore red flags

-sadly the wife I thought I knew May have been putting on a mask of what I thought was the perfect wife... .I have seen her new Instagram pics (slutty) while she always told me she was conservative... .I just don't know who I married!

Now 4 days ago I was a mess, constant thoughts of her with this other person, anger, disbelief, now, i feel like a light switch has flicked.

I don't know I still feel pangs of sadness but if she truly is BPD all this is not really her fault it's just par for the course, I don't hate her I just feel like I should have stronger emotions about this?

I've booked therapy sessions on Skype, I'm going to enforce NC as best I can while we divorce (no kids) and I want to heal and learn not to fall for these flags again.

I guess what I'm asking is, is this acceptance of my situation a bit quick? Will the proverbial hammer drop and leave me worse off than when I initially separated.

One point of note, our downhill slide started 6 months when she could no longer work remote with me, moving home and basically forgetting me, she made plans with me and abandoned them and would not compromise an inch on her part until I broke it off in late January... .I freaked out in Feb and tried to get hr back, no luck. A family member called me telling me she was telling horrible lies during this period leading up to our for-real split last week. Another friend suggested BPD which brought me here and opened my eyes... .I then asked questions and learned the horrible truth.

Perhaps I've secretly had time to sort through emotions over the past 6 months, I just feel like I SHOULD be crying in the bath listening to Good Charlotte but instead I'm looking towards the future and having healthy relationships.

Sorry this post ended up a hot mess, I guess I'm asking is it normal to feel this so quickly or am I possibly compartmentalising or suppressing my pain?

[Ahoy]

First post here... .on a tablet too so forgive any typos!

Before I start I just need to thank you all for your amazing, from the heart posts. I live remote and I have just separated from my BPD wife of 2years (4 total). I'm out here away from my friends, family and any distractions and reading this board has been like therapy for me.

In the past 7 days I have found the following about myself and partner (she lives in another state)

-likely is BPD or at least flags for several tendencies

-she is already dating someone else... .likely crossed over with me by up to 12 weeks

-I likely have co dependent traits that allowed me to fall in love so quickly and ignore red flags

-sadly the wife I thought I knew May have been putting on a mask of what I thought was the perfect wife... .I have seen her new Instagram pics (slutty) while she always told me she was conservative... .I just don't know who I married!

Now 4 days ago I was a mess, constant thoughts of her with this other person, anger, disbelief, now, i feel like a light switch has flicked.

I don't know I still feel pangs of sadness but if she truly is BPD all this is not really her fault it's just par for the course, I don't hate her I just feel like I should have stronger emotions about this?

I've booked therapy sessions on Skype, I'm going to enforce NC as best I can while we divorce (no kids) and I want to heal and learn not to fall for these flags again.

I guess what I'm asking is, is this acceptance of my situation a bit quick? Will the proverbial hammer drop and leave me worse off than when I initially separated.

One point of note, our downhill slide started 6 months when she could no longer work remote with me, moving home and basically forgetting me, she made plans with me and abandoned them and would not compromise an inch on her part until I broke it off in late January... .I freaked out in Feb and tried to get hr back, no luck. A family member called me telling me she was telling horrible lies during this period leading up to our for-real split last week. Another friend suggested BPD which brought me here and opened my eyes... .I then asked questions and learned the horrible truth.

Perhaps I've secretly had time to sort through emotions over the past 6 months, I just feel like I SHOULD be crying in the bath listening to Good Charlotte but instead I'm looking towards the future and having healthy relationships.

Sorry this post ended up a hot mess, I guess I'm asking is it normal to feel this so quickly or am I possibly compartmentalising or suppressing my pain?

[once removed]

hi Ahoy and

i think most of us have a lot of "aha" moments when we learn about BPD. for me, there was suddenly a great deal (overload even) of understanding of her behaviors and the course of our relationship, and i felt, at least partially/temporarily a strong sense of resolve and acceptance. somewhere in me, i felt i couldnt go back.

detaching is not linear and no two people detach the same. this state may even be temporary. youve been through a shock to your system, a volatile relationship, a lot of disbelief, like you said, and your psyche is going to have to process it all.

the good news is that youre taking great steps. youre sorting out whats her from whats you, focusing on your healing, youre imagining a brighter future, and youve booked therapy sessions. should you experience conflicting feelings, you are building a strong foundation with which you can better manage them.

I guess I'm asking is it normal to feel this so quickly or am I possibly compartmentalising or suppressing my pain?

do you feel 'numb'?

[C.Stein]

Hello,

Dealing with this loss of the person you fell in love with is so very hard.  It is so utterly confusing when you look at your SO and don't "recognize" them anymore.  The emotions can be so overwhelming you just shut down, suppress your emotions, withdraw, go numb.  It is a defense mechanism.  I started to go numb during my relationship and it got to the point where it started to impact me physically.  When the final throw away came I didn't really feel much at all emotionally for about 6 weeks, then the emotions hit me like a freight train.  It has been a long and hard journey back since then.

Your healing will take place in stages.  :)on't worry about where you are now but keep the end goal in sight.  Learn from your experiences here and grow personally so you can find the healthy relationship and love we all desire.