Well, would you like it if I came and built a fence around your yard without asking you?
Possibly :P
Or you have a fence, a metal one so breezes can pass and you can see the lake, I don't like it, and I try to put up another one, a high solid one. One that blocks your view of the lake. I don't mean to block your view. I'm just trying to keep you safer.
Ok, maybe not :P
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Ok now that I read your development, I think it's quite a complex topic. There is a lot of middle ground. There is also the connection to enabling behaviour. There is also the connection to excessive desired to control. That is related to the bigger human struggle of control in our lives. There are a lot of abstracts and specifics. So focus will be important. I see the boundaries as the "thing" you are trying to emplace. It is one example of the greater theme of "going beyond" to "control" a situation, or "caretake" someone. It would probably be fruitful to focus on the greater theme. Sorry if this comes across as therapeutic, I couldn't see another way of understanding it.
I think people can see the behaviour as "overcaretaking". But at the same time I feel that it's also caring with good intentions. I don't think this makes it undesirable, but the main issue would be that it's quite tiring for you. Yes, it would certainly make you vulnerable to cross into his yard. Moreover when you consider any obligations you may have to others. I think this is interesting because it's closely tied to the "I must help you" quality that nons seem to have. It's worth reconsidering because:
1. It's not a behaviour that is easy for the recipient to appreciate.
2. It may go unappreciated.
3. It's not "your job" to do things for people.
4. I don't feel it's fair to you, regardless of your capacity of partner or a mum.
5. It can make you bitter.
6. If you do it when courting with a man he may treat you like a mum.
7. For 'normal people', you don't match what they want. (ohhhh this is what you meant by 'match'
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=291955.msg12746476#msg12746476 )
8. For pwBPD, it could lead to some very, very big problems. Imagine if you are the one shovelling dirt into that "grand canyon" hole.
This thinking encourages you being the shoveller. Very problematic for you Sunfl0wer.
It's interesting you bring this up. While going 'beyond' basic expectations is normally a good thing, you would need to be careful in applying it here.
For these situations, the other option is to be a lighthouse. It can be easier, or harder, especially if you are predisposed to 'care' for people in this way. Counterintuitively, it may also be safer and more caring as you are encouraging the other party to stand on their own when you behave as a lighthouse. We encourage and warn people, but it's their job to walk or not walk the door. Omg Sunfl0wer don't hold their hand if they walk off a cliff!
Also, isn't that narcissistic a bit? Why do I decide and impose my idea of what another person needs?
No worries Sunfl0wer. I like how you check yourself but please don't exhaust yourself or be too critical.
Not really narcissistic. Both in the pathological and 'common' sense. Based just on this, it seems to me to be maternal instinct. But in the interest of doing what's effective for you, it would be worthwhile to reconsider it. It could also relieve tremendous burdens you impose on yourself.
I took ownership of something I don't own because I felt it my 'duty.'
This is interesting.
This behaviour would be appropriate for early stage child-care... .but there is a stage of infant development where you have to deal with creating healthy independence for the child... .it's difficult.
