Detente, many years later. Opinions, please.

[steelwork]

I did not want to threadjack the topic about how long it takes to fully detach and heal, so I'm starting a different topic for this.

I'll copy what I wrote over there:

"The only other bad breakup I've had was 33 years ago, when I was 17. I was living with the guy--not in his room but in a big group house, and we were an item when I moved in. I got pregnant. He lost interest in me and started bringing other girls home. It was really bad. I had an abortion, which I had to borrow money for, and he didn't even take me to get it, even though he had a car. Come to think of it, it was pretty much like Fast Times at Ridgemont High, except nastier."

This memory has come up a lot in the wake of my recent breakup, but actually it really came back to the forefront about a year ago, when I reconnected with someone who had been a mutual friend of that guy (call him X) from 33 years ago. Actually, she was X's next gf, and they have remained friends. (Incidentally, she had also been 17, and X was 27--ten years older than us--which didn't seem like a big deal to me at the time but now kind of creeps me out.)

The mutual friend told me X never understood why I had such hard feelings toward him (?). She offered to broker a meeting between us to bury the hatchet, all these years later. She thought it would do us both good. She told me his life had been hard since then, that he'd become a better person. At that time I had zero interest in burying the hatchet with X. He was the one person from my past who I hoped to never see again. But recently I'm starting to feel differently.

I think there's a huge difference between detaching and healing. I had no trouble detaching from X, and I even felt I'd healed from the experience, but in the aftermath of this ordeal I've come to realize that I never truly did. The grief is still there 33 years later. Not all of it, but enough.

I think I'd like to talk to X now, have a chance to tell him what it was like for me, hear his side of it. I'm pretty sure this is a kind of substitute for the conversation I so desperately wanted with my uBPDx. But it might be a good thing to do anyhow. It might help me heal at last.

Has anyone here had an encounter like that, decades later? Do you think I should pursue this?

[thisagain]

This is intriguing! What do you think you'd want to get out of the meeting with him? How do you hope or expect that he'd respond when you told him what it was like for you?

[steelwork]

This is intriguing! What do you think you'd want to get out of the meeting with him? How do you hope or expect that he'd respond when you told him what it was like for you?

Well, for one thing I would like to know his view of what happened. I think it might be very different than mine and might help me feel less, I guess, preyed upon?

I would also like to feel that there can be healing. I think in this moment when it's not clear that I'll ever talk to my (recent) ex again I would like to have faith in the world, in the idea that there is always a chance for closure.

I also want to be heard. I want to be able to look him in the eye and tell him how what happened between us affected my life. I guess I want him to bear witness.

[steelwork]

Thank you for reading and responding. (I was thinking maybe no one would.)

Do you think this is a bad idea? Good idea?

[WoundedBibi]

I did not want to threadjack the topic about how long it takes to fully detach and heal, so I'm starting a different topic for this.

I'll copy what I wrote over there:

"The only other bad breakup I've had was 33 years ago, when I was 17. I was living with the guy--not in his room but in a big group house, and we were an item when I moved in. I got pregnant. He lost interest in me and started bringing other girls home. It was really bad. I had an abortion, which I had to borrow money for, and he didn't even take me to get it, even though he had a car. Come to think of it, it was pretty much like Fast Times at Ridgemont High, except nastier."

This memory has come up a lot in the wake of my recent breakup, but actually it really came back to the forefront about a year ago, when I reconnected with someone who had been a mutual friend of that guy (call him X) from 33 years ago. Actually, she was X's next gf, and they have remained friends. (Incidentally, she had also been 17, and X was 27--ten years older than us--which didn't seem like a big deal to me at the time but now kind of creeps me out.)

The mutual friend told me X never understood why I had such hard feelings toward him (?). She offered to broker a meeting between us to bury the hatchet, all these years later. She thought it would do us both good. She told me his life had been hard since then, that he'd become a better person. At that time I had zero interest in burying the hatchet with X. He was the one person from my past who I hoped to never see again. But recently I'm starting to feel differently.

I think there's a huge difference between detaching and healing. I had no trouble detaching from X, and I even felt I'd healed from the experience, but in the aftermath of this ordeal I've come to realize that I never truly did. The grief is still there 33 years later. Not all of it, but enough.

I think I'd like to talk to X now, have a chance to tell him what it was like for me, hear his side of it. I'm pretty sure this is a kind of substitute for the conversation I so desperately wanted with my uBPDx. But it might be a good thing to do anyhow. It might help me heal at last.

Has anyone here had an encounter like that, decades later? Do you think I should pursue this?

Not an encounter like that, no.

Hmmmm... .A lot of different sides to this... .

It might help you heal from that old breakup. Feel better about yourself by freeing yourself of (part if) what you still carry with you.

Maybe it will make things clearer for you as to who you are, what you want. Perhaps it could be a jump forwards in your personal growth.

It's good you realize you might be using this as a substitute though.

Is X someone you suspect who has any mental issues such as BPD? If yes, you might want to think about it. You don't want to go into a conversation to heal and come out of it thinking "What the heck just happened?" and feel bad (or worse, worse).

Because you haven't seen him in 33 years I would say you don't really know him, so I would do any meet up somewhere neutral and public. Like a coffee bar or something.

All in all (assuming no BPD there), yes, I would go for it. As long as you have clear for yourself what you want and expect from the meet up, and are ready to walk away if things get weird or if you notice any  

[steelwork]

I don't have any idea one way or the other if he has BPD. I know he was pretty immature for 27, and not terribly sensitive. That's pretty much all I know about him.

It's like... .something like the way some people get sentimental about their exes when they have a break-up? I don't really do that. But I wonder if I'm trying to get what D would not give me from someone else. I mean, make someone deal with me as the person they hurt, a real person, not someone you can just block out and not have to think about.

On the other hand, it really is something that still causes me pain all these years later. That is real. I think of that stretch my life as... .I'm standing in the ocean and a series of big waves keep knocking me over. From age 10 to around 18, the waves came every few years. I'd get pulled under and fight my way out, and there would be the next one, just as I was getting my breath. He was one of those waves.

[WoundedBibi]

I don't have any idea one way or the other if he has BPD. I know he was pretty immature for 27, and not terribly sensitive. That's pretty much all I know about him.

It's like... .something like the way some people get sentimental about their exes when they have a break-up? I don't really do that. But I wonder if I'm trying to get what D would not give me from someone else. I mean, make someone deal with me as the person they hurt, a real person, not someone you can just block out and not have to think about.

On the other hand, it really is something that still causes me pain all these years later. That is real. I think of that stretch my life as... .I'm standing in the ocean and a series of big waves keep knocking me over. From age 10 to around 18, the waves came every few years. I'd get pulled under and fight my way out, and there would be the next one, just as I was getting my breath. He was one of those waves.

So it might be a good way to heal at least from this wave.

But I really would prepare; write down what you want and expect, what you would do and what it would do to you if he gives a different response than what you would want. And be prepared it might not give you all the relief you're looking for. It might narrow down what will bring you closure in that case.

You could also see it as an opportunity to see if there already was a pattern (start of one) in regards to the type of man you select. Look for signs that tell you something about his mental health then and now. That could also help you in your personal growth; if he was mentally unhealthy there could be a pattern for you to investigate, if not you could narrow down when the unhealthy relationships started.

Actually, you're making ME really look forward to this meet up    I'm curious what you will discover. Yes, look at it as a meet up of discovery 

[thisagain]

I think it really depends on your expectations. If you go, say your piece, and he acts like a total jerk, will you still be glad that you saw him and said your piece?

It would probably not be a good idea to go in hopes that he'll give you something that your BPD ex wasn't able to give ("closure," validation, reassurance that you were a good partner and he was a jerk). His version of the events might be just as predatory as you remember, bring up the old trauma for you more, and generally not be what you're hoping for.

But if you really just want to see him and speak your mind, regardless of how he responds, then go for it. It's just important to be prepared for different outcomes and have realistic expectations. Does that make sense?

[Penelope35]

Hey steelwork

I can understand why you would want to see this man after 33 years. What happened back then had an impact on you. As the previous posters said if you decide to meet this guy the two things you need to think about and process before you decide is first the possibility that this guy also dissapoints you with his different reality of events and second your own awareness that this may also be a substitute for the closing discussion you never got to have with your ex with BPD.  

Then again this may be our fear talking. But you know,  with all these experiences with our ex's we need to prepare ourselves for the worse. Do you feel like you are strong enough to handle this in the case it leaves you more dissapointed and hurt?