Feeling conflicted about enforcing a boundary

[Dragon72]

Yesterday I had a long day starting when I left the house to go to work at 6.15am.  I got home at 6.15pm, then gave my son (2) a bath while my wife painted her toenails, then, while my wife put him to bed, I went and did an hour or so of an online training course I am doing.  At around 9pm I finished and so I switched on the TV to watch for half an hour or so before going to bed.

Just after I switched on the TV, my wife came downstairs in her PJs and asked me to go in her car to fill it up with gas because it was empty and she would be needing the car to take our son to play group early this morning.  The gas station is about 10-15 minutes drive away.  I said that she should do it.  She tried to make me feel like I was being inconsiderate for refusing, but I held my ground.

Was I right to dig my heels in and stay on the sofa? Or should I be feeling a bit guilty for not having been more galant and done the favor for my wife?

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[Bpdsupporter]

I think you did the right thing. It's OK to set boundaries and you shouldn't feel guilty. If she has an episode about it you can listen to her but you don't have to defend or explain your reasoning for saying no. Boundaries are not a punishment or a way to get somebody back it's just a line that you put in place. So you shouldn't feel bad about that at all.

[Akita]

My understanding is that boundaries are to prevent harm to yourself-physical or emotional. This doesn't feel like a boundary to me.  It just feels like you had a long day and didn't want to accommodate her request for help.  Is it okay to refuse to help someone?  Sure it is.  Will she understand why you didn't help her?  Hard to say.  Will she become upset by this?  Maybe.  If she views your unwillingness to help her as a sign you don't love her and will leave her, she could very well dysregulate.  I see this as nothing more than a personal choice you made.  How she sees it though could be a very different story.

[Aussie0zborn]

Your response is very understandable. You did not stop for 15 hours including a long day at work. Perhaps explaining that in bullet points and keeping your ground might help.

Just remember that when you are an easy pushover they don't respect you and in my experience, even hate you for it.

When I was in this same exact situation taking on the role of the adult and explaining it in short detail as if explaining something to a developing child (say, about three years old) without being condescending usually did the trick. She backed off with that look in her eye.

The "look" being one of "how can I beat him on this?"  Answer? She started drinking on Tuesdays when her daughter needed to be picked up from an evening class. Couldn't drive because she had been drinking so I had to drive. My boundary then became, "it's your job to pick the child up unless your are sick, incapacitated or working. Drinking and gossiping on the phone is unacceptable".  I can't begin to describe her resentment hence my suggestion to explain it in bullet points in a calm and caring tone.

[waverider]

My boundary then became, "it's your job to pick the child up unless your are sick, incapacitated or working. Drinking and gossiping on the phone is unacceptable".  I can't begin to describe her resentment hence my suggestion to explain it in bullet points in a calm and caring tone.

How did you enforce that in order fo it to be a boundary rather than a request/demand? What happened if she did drink?

The manipulation of circumstances to create a physical inability is common.

[adventurer]

Your response is very understandable. You did not stop for 15 hours including a long day at work. Perhaps explaining that in bullet points and keeping your ground might help.

In my experience, offering logical reasons for something to a person with BPD is not only a futile exercise, but also it can actually exacerbate and escalate the situation.

[waverider]

Your response is very understandable. You did not stop for 15 hours including a long day at work. Perhaps explaining that in bullet points and keeping your ground might help.

In my experience, offering logical reasons for something to a person with BPD is not only a futile exercise, but also it can actually exacerbate and escalate the situation.

True but it is hard not to do when you are at he end of your tether, so it is understandable but not recommended to do it in a reactionary way. However , everyone has a right to say no for their own logical reasons.

[Notwendy]

I think it is a good boundary in terms of not caretaking. Caretaking being defined as doing something for someone who can do it themselves. Putting gas in the car is part of the responsibility of using a car and that includes planning to do so. The best plan is to fill the tank before it gets so low that you are delayed getting somewhere in the morning and, if we forget, then leave early enough to do it. The consequences of not doing this are being late or (hopefully not) running out of gasoline. As to your wife's request, the consequences of being a few minutes late for a kid play date do no seem to warrant making an extra trip at night.

This is the responsibility one would expect out of a teen ager- if you use the family car- then you put gas in it. I think it is quite reasonable to expect an adult- your wife- to be responsible for this. Should you help her out? Sure, maybe there are situations where it might be a good thing to do but, without the boundary of - you use the car/you keep it filled, my concern would be that this would take her responsibility away from her ( hence rob her of learning to manage it) and become caretaking on your part- and enabling her not being responsible.

As to wife drinking and driving the child. This is a tough one, because, you can not control someone's drinking. While this is a problem between two adults, the potential victims are the child and other drivers. As a parent, the responsibility for this child's safety lies with the parent, and one can not put a child in a car with a drunk driver. Driving the child might be enabling, or it could save someone's life. IMHO, I would call the police on anyone who I thought was driving under the influence.

[Akita]

Is this a repetitive problem?  Why doesn't she want to do it?  Have you talked to her about it or did you just refuse to do it for her?  How long has it been a problem?  Why do you think it has become an issue for her?