1st Birthday Party since co-parenting

[tryingsome]

One of our sons just had his 5th birthday this past weekend.  It has been 3 months since we have been split (divorce still pending through lawyers).

It was a party of her friends (mine could not make it or did not want to come). So I had a little trepidation.

For the most part, I got what I expected. Some people were cordial, though strained. Others who I had enjoyed conversations with in the past snubbed me for the most part.

As they are all close friends, I have no doubt they knew about my 'controlling, emotional and physical' behavior. I almost chuckled to myself; but as there people really have never been a part of my life except in the last 6 months (we just moved back to Seattle), it was pretty easy to get through the day.

I enjoyed the party as best as I could, and I think our son enjoyed it also.

Afterwards after everyone left the gym, my Ex asked me to have pizza dinner with them; all four of us.

I find it a bit odd, but enjoyed their company. Nothing major happened during pizza.

This was just a past the last week where she yelled and dysregulated.

She had invited me to go have dinner with the family on Valentines day also, which was strange; even though we really never celebrated that day.

So, I guess this is life going forward. Some normal days, some really painful ones. What's your experiences.

Being the villain, but being okay to hang out with. It feels like a circus. Good news is my T says I probably only need to come every 2 weeks now. She is having me do some assignments, but says I have a fairly level head, though the whole process is painful.

Kids are doing good at any rate. So just giving everyone an update. Cheers.

[SES]

Sounds like you are doing really well. Keep going!  It's tough being the villan... .and all that goes with it.  I wouldn't be able to attend a party or anything else with my ex.  I'm impressed you managed it.

[tryingsome]

It is kind of easier when you know what to expect. Like a given in life and that most things don't really have to do with you.

The hardest part is the yo-yo-ing.

The day to day niceties and meanness.

But even that has gotten easier as I just expect as much.

It isn't so much what I do as what she wants to see.

[SES]

It sounds like you are coping well.  Just out of interest, has she ever threatened you, or indicated that she might be capable of anything more than bad mouthing you? My ex started by verbal abuse, but at times it deteriorated into behaviour which was far more risky for me, and costly on lots of levels.  I hope things go well.

[tryingsome]

has she ever threatened you, or indicated that she might be capable of anything more than bad mouthing you?

during the whole divorce process, to some degree. She threatened calling the police early on saying at the mention of having 50/50 custody. and there was a lot of hostility during that period.

there were other times in our relationship that she has struck me, those were from escalating verbal fights.

As for afterwards and the coparenting, not so much. I give the ruse that she means a lot. A lot of praise and whatnot; though I don't believe it, it seems like a good way to keep the peace. Like you are a good mother! Everyone is lucky to have you in their life sort of thing. I think she does the same ruse, some I am a good person.

But the general bad mouthing is just more about how the relationship ended; to her friends, to say how she was the victim.

Hopefully things are okay with you SES? I hope she isn't trying to actively make your life worse, I could see how that would be a problem. A good compliment can go a long way to changing their view (providing it isn't out of the blue).

[SES]

I am a long way past being able to compliment her.  I haven't spoken to her for ten months, preferring email or text as a clearer form of communication.   Plus, it reduces the risk of allegations being made against me.  If she has threatened you, hit you etc. is she a risk to you now? Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour.  Given my past experience of my ex, I don't want face to face contact with her or even a conversation. I remain worried about what will come next.

[tryingsome]

I am a long way past being able to compliment her.  I haven't spoken to her for ten months, preferring email or text as a clearer form of communication.   Plus, it reduces the risk of allegations being made against me.  If she has threatened you, hit you etc. is she a risk to you now? Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour.  Given my past experience of my ex, I don't want face to face contact with her or even a conversation. I remain worried about what will come next.

Well the only cases where she has become violent are extreme causes where her feeling of abandonment have surfaced. One case is going totally NC, that pisses her off. Creates extreme forms of abandonment and makes her more hostile when I do converse with her.  Keeping things upbeat or flat, and having regular communications with her keep her behavior fairly pleasant. It is when I tried actively pushing her away that she goes a bit off the deep end with the crazy accusations or even the physically violence. Now keep in mind I don't have any delusions here, my contacting her is in no way of me trying to reignite the relationship. Contact for me is keeping the peace, and making the raising of our kids pleasant.

But that is from my relation towards her. Hope you are doing well. Cheers.