Hello all,
Just when I was at an indifferent point about my exBPDgf, out of the blue I begin to have ruminations. They really are like a drug and I see why NC means not just having communication with them, but actually having no contact of any type to deal with them. I ran into a mutual friend that told me A LOT of things that were lies within our relationship, such as various sexual partners, actual relationships and an arrest for domestic battery. My ex lied about it all and I can't believe I was so blind to the crap. Anyway, after hearing about all of it I began to do some online investigating to see if it was true and I found the mugshot, marriage licenses, and addresses that were never mentioned... .this has set me back in healing. Why am I finding myself missing someone that lies, replaced me within a day, blamed me for everything, physically hit me, walked out when I needed her the most? Everyone tells me I need to start dating, but it has only been a little over a month. Everyone I meet doesn't seem right... .especially ONLINE!
Let's break this down because I think there are 2 separate things that have upset you.
1) a mutual friend spoke to you about your ex.
That in itself already is a trigger for us recovering NONs. I got triggered speaking to my colleague at Easter about my ex as well.
Just speaking about them, or being spoken to about them brings back memories of things that happened, memories of feelings and can be enough to make us go into "but I miss him/her/the way... ."
What is being said really doesn't matter for this bit. Your friend could have told you "she now lives alone on a mountaintop, she's totally happy and grows daisies for a living" or "she now lives in a sleezy motel, she is a total wreck and sells crack for a living" or "she lives at Wisteria lane now with a widower with 6 kids and bakes cookies all day" you would have been thrown back into memory lane anyway. Yes, your thoughts would have been slightly different ("oh... .happy, daisies, totally zen without me... was I the issue then?", "WOW, she's gone off the rails without me, I'm not responsible but the Guilt... .", "a desperate housewife? What kind of act is that?" but the overall effect, thinking of her, ruminating, remembering, longing for the feeling of being loved but hating the abuse would have been the same. Painful and confusing and contradictory. That's why indeed besides not speaking, texting, emailing or smoke signaling them we shouldn't search online, look at pictures, read blogs or discuss them. It's like letting the crackhead smell the crack but not letting them use it.
2) you found out she lied about a lot of things you didn't know already. You feel betrayed, abused, hurt, discarded etc. Again.
And you start doubting if anything you think you knew is actually true at all. Again.
On a slightly smaller scale, because you're a little further along the road to recovery than a month ago, you're reliving what you went through before when you were lied to, betrayed, cheated on, abused, discarded etc.
Of course you're bloody upset by this, and angry and questioning everything.
And 1 + 2 feels like a major setback in the healing.
Just point 1 is something we all do every now and again (sometimes forced by having to work with our ex) and know we shouldn't (if we can avoid it). It is something we do to ourselves and is a part of detaching. At some point we can let it go more and more. We get over it easier and easier.
Point 2 was a surprise gift that feels like a slap in your face. But once you're past the initial anger I hope you will be more resolved than ever that your ex needs to remain your ex.
No more online digging. You know enough. Finding more will not change anything. Feeding point 2 (what more can I find she lied about?) will trigger point 1 again.
Go punch something (not someone... ) to get some of your anger out, go for a long run, whatever works for you. And then pick up your backpack and get back on the road to recovery. It's not a setback, just a detour.
