what to do about push/pull?

[sebastian.l]

always before she enters a circle of 'push' me away, she initiates this with the words:

'Just know that I really love you!'

What should I do with this?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

What can you do with it?

My ex sometimes "warned" me before she knowingly was going to do something that would hurt me.   I think it was her way to justify and/or excuse what she was about to do.  It was like she was saying ... .I don't mean to hurt you but I'm going to anyway.

Do you think you can stop the push somehow if you know it is coming?   Is there something specific that causes her to push?

[sebastian.l]

yes, this pretty much nails it on the hat. For me it feels like brainwash. Can you imagine every time I hear 'I really love you', my anxiety level rises though the roof, panic and this coldness creeps up my back. I know, she is up to something, and I have no chance to stop her from doing it. Only chance is to walk away... .

[C.Stein]

yes, this pretty much nails it on the hat. For me it feels like brainwash. Can you imagine every time I hear 'I really love you', my anxiety level rises though the roof, panic and this coldness creeps up my back. I know, she is up to something, and I have no chance to stop her from doing it. Only chance is to walk away... .

I totally understand that feeling.  You have come to associate certain phrases to emotional pain and it triggers anxiety whenever you hear those phrases, regardless of what happens or doesn't happen.  It really isn't a good way to live.   I lived like that pretty much my entire relationship with my ex.  It tore me apart.

[sebastian.l]

yes, it basically conditions negative punishment to the trigger sentence 'I love you'.

which is pretty devastating. so I guess, best is to walk away from it.

[C.Stein]

yes, it basically conditions negative punishment to the trigger sentence 'I love you'.

which is pretty devastating. so I guess, best is to walk away from it.

To walk or stay is a difficult decision.  You should try your best to look realistically at the relationship.  Try to understand where it is headed, what you both can do to make it better and what you can tolerate/handle emotionally.  It is all but impossible to contribute to a relationship in a positive fashion when you are in a constant state of anxiety waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Can you see a way to avoid this?

[sebastian.l]

I can change my behavior but not hers. She has to realize the destructive nature of her actions for the relationship. But she doesn't see it. She follows her feelings. This is the only thing that counts for her. Feelings are reality i.e. when she is afraid of a dog = the dog is dangerous. Even though, the dog is like a little sheep.

It's hard when one part tears down the walls, and the other one is building them up.

[C.Stein]

I can change my behavior but not hers. She has to realize the destructive nature of her actions for the relationship. But she doesn't see it. She follows her feelings. This is the only thing that counts for her. Feelings are reality i.e. when she is afraid of a dog = the dog is dangerous. Even though, the dog is like a little sheep.

It's hard when one part tears down the walls, and the other one is building them up.

This is good insight sebastian.  So where do you see yourself going from here?

[waverider]

What they are really saying is

':)ont blame me its not my fault, this is inevitable"

They are laying the foundation to abdicate responsibility for their actions. If they are diagnosed it can come with the attitude... "the disorder made me do it, if you understand like you say, then you can't blame me"

If you dont forgive them, in their eyes you were lying when you said you understand BPD. If you dont "understand" then that gives justification to push you away... Now its your fault for not understanding.

[waverider]

Question?

The events leading up the breakup my ex can  nof remember is is normal?

He only remembers what his family tells him is that normal with BPD?

He thinks is I  stress him out and I will live with him and this not true, with counseling would he be able to deal with all the memories he has buried possibly?

He dates but as friends with benefits  and I think his family is just using me as the s apegoats

I can not get over him , or quite frankly the injustice

Are any of u out there experience similar issues ?

Some further reading on the lack of memory

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95696.0