Physical Manifestation of Emotions

[vortex of confusion]

I wasn't sure where to post this exactly. I figured I would post it here since this is about me and my need to figure out how to deal with it when I get physically ill during times of extreme emotional upset. It usually manifests as what I call a stomach attack where I get severe pain and throw up. My stomach will be tender for several days and I will feel horrible. I hadn't had an episode since the day after my grandma went in to the hospital and I knew that she would likely pass away.

I had a big episode yesterday. My stbx has been out of the house for 3 weeks. He came back to the area last week. I let him hang out with the kids on Friday and it went well. Since yesterday was Easter, I invited him to join the kids and me at my family's Easter festivities. The kids wanted to invite him over for dinner at our house afterwards since the family festivities were over by 2 or so. I said yes. Anyway, while we were sitting at the table having dinner, I started feeling nauseous. I got up and left the table. I ended up taking a shower and throwing up. At some point, I asked him to leave. After he left, I felt fine again. I am really bothered that I had such a strong physical reaction to his presence yesterday. I am not sure what to make of it.

[HurtinNW]

I get those symptoms. I'm diagnosed PTSD. In the presence of a severe trigger I will get the shakes, arm trembling, and sometimes, nauseous. My therapist says it is normal when your body perceives danger.

There are a lot of therapies that help with these symptoms, including CBT. Be kind to yourself, it is completely normal when you have been traumatized. Everyone is different. Personally I think a lot of people have these symptoms and deny them to themselves. Look at how many people get "sick" when they are upset.

Why are you bothered by it? I ask because maybe if you can plan ahead for the symptoms (provided you can't ignore the fool) then maybe it will ease. I am doing a lot of pre-planning for dealing with my ex.

[vortex of confusion]

Why are you bothered by it? I ask because maybe if you can plan ahead for the symptoms (provided you can't ignore the fool) then maybe it will ease. I am doing a lot of pre-planning for dealing with my ex.

I am bothered by it because I have to coparent with this person. Plus, I have not had it come and go so suddenly.

I usually try to plan ahead. My kids don't do well in unpredictable situations so I have gotten pretty good at keeping things pretty even and pretty predictable. I couldn't have predicted this as I am not even sure what triggered it.

[Surg_Bear]

I suffer from chronic back pain.  Severe chronic back pain.

I have recently found that ever since I have decided to end my marriage to my crazy BPD wife, and told her so, my back pain has been less.  MUCH less.  There are days when I have very little pain at all.

And then, there are days when my pain is very severe.  It is not unusual to find that on the days that my pain is almost crippling, I have to be in close contact with my STBx through co-parenting activities.  In other words, I am fine when she's not around.  When she is around, my pain is out of control.  Like right now.  It's Sunday.  I don't have to work.  We are all in the same house, and my back is killing me.  Two days ago, while working, I actually thought that I had been cured of back pain for good.

There is a definite mind-body connection.  Mine manifests in stress causing severe back pain.  Yes, I have degenerative disc disease.  Yes I have undergone 2 back operations.  But, I cannot deny that my wife causes my back pain to flare.  It might be more accurate to say it a little differently.  The emotional stress I feel when physically close to my wife causes my back pain to flare.

I know what you mean, VOC.  I have stomach attacks like the ones you describe every once in a while.  I have yet to identify the trigger, since my attacks are so rare- once or twice a year.  I have been worked up for gallbladder disease.  Perhaps you might have an actual physical malady that is being activated by stress, such as gallstones?  I take care of lots of patients with gallbladder disease and an attack of upper abdominal pain ("stomach pain" with vomiting always makes me think gallstones.  Maybe your STBex is causing you to pass gallstones?

Just a thought.

Take care,

Surg_Bear

[vortex of confusion]

Thank you for sharing your experiences Surg_Bear! It is nice to know that I am not alone. 

I suffer from chronic back pain.  Severe chronic back pain.

--------------

There is a definite mind-body connection.  Mine manifests in stress causing severe back pain.  Yes, I have degenerative disc disease.  Yes I have undergone 2 back operations.  But, I cannot deny that my wife causes my back pain to flare.  It might be more accurate to say it a little differently.  The emotional stress I feel when physically close to my wife causes my back pain to flare.

Have you had any physical therapy for your back?

I know what you mean, VOC.  I have stomach attacks like the ones you describe every once in a while.  I have yet to identify the trigger, since my attacks are so rare- once or twice a year.  I have been worked up for gallbladder disease.  Perhaps you might have an actual physical malady that is being activated by stress, such as gallstones?  I take care of lots of patients with gallbladder disease and an attack of upper abdominal pain ("stomach pain" with vomiting always makes me think gallstones.  Maybe your STBex is causing you to pass gallstones?

When I had ultrasounds during my pregnancies, the tech could see a gallstone on the ultrasound. I never followed up on it for a host of reasons. I am sure that this is a contributing factor. Even before the gallstone was seen on an ultrasound, I had stomach issues. When I was in college, I had an upper GI and a bunch of other tests done. I was told that it was just gastritis. I know that stress sets it off, as do hormones.

The most confounding thing about this episode is that on the day this happened, stbx was actually being pretty decent and nice. He wasn't being abnormally jerkish. He was being himself. I had mentally prepared myself to deal with him so I was very shocked to have that reaction. I have since had exchanges with him that have led to a similar response. It almost feels like some kind of trauma response where I can't handle the emotions and feelings so it starts manifesting as physical symptoms. I wonder if there is a way to deal with the emotional stress without having it manifest physically. The stuff that is coming up within ME is so overwhelming.

[Cat Familiar]

I wanted to share a story about how loudly physical symptoms spoke to me--about a job, not a relationship.

I had a part time job that involved about five hours of walking around on a wooden floor. After some months of working in this very abusive workplace (though the abuse was never aimed at me--just my coworkers) my legs would ache terribly. I made very good money--it was a high end restaurant.

At the same time, I was running my own business with my ex and often it involved standing for over 12 hours on a concrete floor and lifting heavy objects. It perplexed me because my legs never ached after many more hours standing on a harder floor.

Around this time, one of our friends was diagnosed with lymphoma. One day, as I was getting ready for work at the restaurant, I was putting up my hair and when I touched my neck, I felt a lump that was as big as a small apricot. It hadn't been there before and I was startled at its sudden appearance and got a doctor's appointment immediately. Fortunately it wasn't anything to be concerned with, but it let me know that I had to quit the high paying restaurant job which was helping me get my struggling business off the ground.

It was as if my body was upping the ante. "You didn't listen to the sore legs, so we've got to show you something even more dramatic."

After I quit, I never again had the leg symptom.

Maybe, Vortex, do some mediation and ask your stomach what it's trying to communicate to you.

[Grey Kitty]

It almost feels like some kind of trauma response where I can't handle the emotions and feelings so it starts manifesting as physical symptoms. I wonder if there is a way to deal with the emotional stress without having it manifest physically. The stuff that is coming up within ME is so overwhelming.

I think CF's answer is pretty much the correct one. Remove the stress (before it gets so severe) that your body reacts to it.

Note... .that doesn't mean the answer is never be in the same room with your ex!

It seems that certain levels of stress and/or certain kinds of stress show up in your stomach. Accept that this is your body/mind, and it is what your body/mind does.

In the longer term, a you may be able to fix or heal something specific which is triggering to you, and if the same experience isn't triggering, it won't cause the stress, and your gut won't react to it.

Given how recently your H moved out, and given how long your relationship with him has been difficult and challenging, I expect your capacity to not be triggered or irritated around him will increase over time.


Remember that feelings (and body-reactions) are visceral, not logical. I have to wonder if him being around and acting "pretty decent and nice" (aka as if nothing at all is wrong, or was wrong) is causing you some real stress--because a natural conclusion from this would be that it could go back to "normal" and he could move back in. You may know this isn't true, but perhaps your body doesn't believe that and is terrified of that exact outcome!

[vortex of confusion]

It was as if my body was upping the ante. "You didn't listen to the sore legs, so we've got to show you something even more dramatic."

After I quit, I never again had the leg symptom.

Maybe, Vortex, do some mediation and ask your stomach what it's trying to communicate to you.

Thank you CF! You are right. I do need to do some meditation and think about what it is that my body is trying to communicate. I think some of it is that I still have a lot to process. A lot of the stuff that happened directly involved my body so I think it is telling me to remember my boundaries and not get sucked into his niceness. I have a very forgiving nature. I have had some people jokingly tell me that I am a pushover. I am to a certain degree. My body is reminding me that I cannot get sucked back in. I cannot relax and enjoy his niceness.

Last night, I feel like I had a big success. He had car troubles and had to leave his vehicle somewhere so it could get repaired. I took him home because he had spent the day with the kids. The original arrangement was for him to be gone by the time I got home. Anyway, when I dropped him off, he asked me for a hug. I told him no. Then he asked for a handshake. Again, I told him no. I don't want him to get some kind of idea that he is going to move back in because I am being nice and letting him see the kids. The day that I got so sick was a day where we spent most of the day together and it felt very much like everything was "normal". That scared the crap out of me. I don't ever want to go back to that as "normal".

[vortex of confusion]

I think CF's answer is pretty much the correct one. Remove the stress (before it gets so severe) that your body reacts to it.

Note... .that doesn't mean the answer is never be in the same room with your ex!

I don't think that being in the same room with him was the problem. I think it had more to do with the fact that it was an all day exposure that involved holiday festivities followed by a family dinner with all 6 of us (me, him, 4 kids). It felt fake and forced and I think I was afraid that he would see the "normal" day we had as some kind of excuse to move back in.

In the longer term, a you may be able to fix or heal something specific which is triggering to you, and if the same experience isn't triggering, it won't cause the stress, and your gut won't react to it.

I think it is more a matter of giving myself time to heal. There are things that I am just now admitting and voicing out loud. There were things that I knew but I couldn't voice them or even allow myself to think about them because that would have made my ability to live under the same roof as him even more difficult than it already was. I cringe when I think about it but I am finally able to admit to myself that I was sexually abused by my husband. I have rationalized it and tried to put every kind of positive spin I could on what happened. I can't. The bottom line is that whenever I was supposed to go meet up with a certain person, I would have these same stomach attacks. I will never forget the night that I was in the bathtub throwing up and crying and telling him that I couldn't do it. He rubbed my back and showed me such care and attention and said, "Oh, you can do it. You will have fun." So, I did it and I regret it to this day. I told myself over and over that I could have said no. I could have refused. I could have made all sorts of different choices with regards to that particular situation. I have to give myself time to heal from that among other things. When I stopped seeing that person, I stopped having regular attacks.

Given how recently your H moved out, and given how long your relationship with him has been difficult and challenging, I expect your capacity to not be triggered or irritated around him will increase over time.

I think my ability to be around him will increase when he gets a job and gets his own place and I am not constantly worrying that he is going to try to find a way to weasel his way back into the house. And, it doesn't help that the kids don't really want to be around him much either. Before we had dinner that evening, one of the kids commented that she wished we hadn't invited him over for dinner. After dinner, he didn't leave until I asked him to leave. It felt like he would never leave and I think that may have been part of the trigger. It was a bunch of little things that, when added up, set off my stomach. It was too much all at once.

Remember that feelings (and body-reactions) are visceral, not logical. I have to wonder if him being around and acting "pretty decent and nice" (aka as if nothing at all is wrong, or was wrong) is causing you some real stress--because a natural conclusion from this would be that it could go back to "normal" and he could move back in. You may know this isn't true, but perhaps your body doesn't believe that and is terrified of that exact outcome!

I think this probably hits the nail on the head pretty accurately. I am terrified of the prospect of ever living with him again. My house has been so peaceful since he left. The kids are commenting on how great I look and how much better things are since it is just us now. I have my own room. I am getting a good night of rest every night. I am sleeping in an actual bed instead of on the couch. I don't wake up in the morning and worry that he will be sitting there looking at me. I am eating better and have lost about 20 pounds (I was so big that it isn't really noticeable yet.) Everything just feels so much better.

[Cat Familiar]

I have my own room. I am getting a good night of rest every night. I am sleeping in an actual bed instead of on the couch. I don't wake up in the morning and worry that he will be sitting there looking at me. I am eating better and have lost about 20 pounds (I was so big that it isn't really noticeable yet.) Everything just feels so much better. 

That is wonderful Vortex--and good reason not to let things slip back to where they were--and your stomach definitely agrees!

My ex-husband used to harangue me about my weight, though I was never really overweight. He just liked the looks of those skinny "heroin chic" gals and thought I should look like that. So I struggled with dieting and fasting the whole time I was in relationship with him, yet I never lost the extra pounds permanently.

However, within a month of breaking up with him, I shed 18 pounds, which I've kept off for over a decade. And the funny thing was that I just ate what I wanted and the pounds dropped off on their own.

[Grey Kitty]

I don't think that being in the same room with him was the problem. I think it had more to do with the fact that it was an all day exposure that involved holiday festivities followed by a family dinner with all 6 of us (me, him, 4 kids). It felt fake and forced and I think I was afraid that he would see the "normal" day we had as some kind of excuse to move back in.

[... .]

I am terrified of the prospect of ever living with him again. My house has been so peaceful since he left.

You started here, and you ended here.

You will realize at some point that he won't move back in. That you won't let him. That he has no way of "forcing his way back" or "weaseling his way back" or "guilting his way back".

And when you really believe that, perhaps your gut will believe you, and not rebel at the threat it sees there.

For now, just breathe easier for a while. (Sleep well. Eat well. Take care of yourself) You'll come to peace with this at the right time.

[Surg_Bear]

I don't think that being in the same room with him was the problem. I think it had more to do with the fact that it was an all day exposure that involved holiday festivities followed by a family dinner with all 6 of us (me, him, 4 kids). It felt fake and forced and I think I was afraid that he would see the "normal" day we had as some kind of excuse to move back in.

[... .]

I am terrified of the prospect of ever living with him again. My house has been so peaceful since he left.

You started here, and you ended here.

You will realize at some point that he won't move back in. That you won't let him. That he has no way of "forcing his way back" or "weaseling his way back" or "guilting his way back".

And when you really believe that, perhaps your gut will believe you, and not rebel at the threat it sees there.

For now, just breathe easier for a while. (Sleep well. Eat well. Take care of yourself) You'll come to peace with this at the right time.

... .And get your gallbladder removed by a general surgeon of your liking. 

[vortex of confusion]

My ex-husband used to harangue me about my weight, though I was never really overweight. He just liked the looks of those skinny "heroin chic" gals and thought I should look like that. So I struggled with dieting and fasting the whole time I was in relationship with him, yet I never lost the extra pounds permanently.

However, within a month of breaking up with him, I shed 18 pounds, which I've kept off for over a decade. And the funny thing was that I just ate what I wanted and the pounds dropped off on their own.

He never said anything about my weight. A couple years ago, I lost a bunch of weight. The more weight I lost, the better I felt, and the more I wanted to do stuff and be active. Instead of encouraging me, he sabatoged my efforts by bringing home bags of my favorite candy. If I said anything about it, I would get, "Oh, I got that because I know it is your favorite." I was the jerk for not being happy with him bringing me home a bag of twizzlers. I would complain that he didn't really think about me much so he would bring it home as evidence that he was thinking of me. It didn't matter that I was actively trying to eat better and get healthier. I was the ungrateful jerk for not jumping for joy.

When I was younger, I was very active and very healthy. I ate what I wanted and stayed pretty healthy. Our entire 18 years together was a struggle because I stayed big no matter how well I ate or how active I was. It has been painful.

I am eating better but I don't feel like I am depriving myself of anything. I am not as hungry and generally just don't feel the need to eat as often or as much. I think I have spent a lot more years stressed out than I was ever willing to admit.

[vortex of confusion]

You started here, and you ended here.

You will realize at some point that he won't move back in. That you won't let him. That he has no way of "forcing his way back" or "weaseling his way back" or "guilting his way back".

And when you really believe that, perhaps your gut will believe you, and not rebel at the threat it sees there.

For now, just breathe easier for a while. (Sleep well. Eat well. Take care of yourself) You'll come to peace with this at the right time.

Thank you for the words of encouragement!

He is so good at badgering and nagging and dropping hints and pretty much pressuring me until I give in. He can be relentless. I doubt myself. I worry that I can't do this alone. I worry that he is going to mess with me until I roll over and let him back in. I know that is irrational and unreasonable.

[vortex of confusion]

... .And get your gallbladder removed by a general surgeon of your liking. 

I would love to do just that. It isn't as easy as just doing it. I don't have any health insurance. I don't have time to be sick or get operations or anything like that. I have been managing this for a whole lot of years. When things are relatively calm in my life, I don't have many problems with it at all.

Besides, I can only think of one surgeon of my liking. I am not too keen on the idea of being poked and prodded by just any doctor.

[Cat Familiar]

I remember having a "heart to heart" with my ex--actually he frequently tried to probe my innermost feelings, yet kept his own feelings private to maintain control. In that discussion I confessed that "food was my lover" (because I didn't feel loved by him).

Because I struggled with self-control (everything in my life seemed completely out of my control too), I would be very strict with my eating habits, then I would go to the opposite extreme. One incident sticks in my memory. I was in a grocery store buying food and I picked up lots of chocolate malted milk balls from the bulk bin. I got out to the parking lot and in a frenzy, I ate all of them before I drove home--I was stuffing them in my mouth, as many as I could at a time. When I got home, I felt kind of sick, so I made myself throw up and I felt completely disgusted with myself--that I couldn't just eat a few, slowly, like a normal person, and save the rest for another time.

I think about who I was then, and it seems like a completely different person. Now I do exactly as I please (in a variety of contexts) and I eat healthy because when I do, I feel good. Seldom do I eat sweets (other than sugar in my coffee), and when I do, I choose very exotic deserts at a restaurant or something really special. I no longer feel deprived, nor do I feel like I have to be the scolding nun trying to control my food choices.

One of the patterns that kept me afraid of my ex was physical violence. On several occasions, he knocked the wind out of me, dropped me to the floor and sat on me, grabbed my throat, etc. One time when he was in a more charitable mood and I was expressing how angry I was at him for the violence and infidelity, he told me to hit him. He stood in front of me and urged me to hit him. I was really reluctant to do that, but when I did, I started punching him in the chest and I kept at it for about twenty strikes--the fury I had bottled up was unleashed. I could see in his eyes that he was alarmed and at that point I realized that I always could have defended myself (I had taken some martial arts training in the past). What kept me from doing that in the past was that I hadn't wanted to hurt him, yet I was willing to let him hurt me.  

[vortex of confusion]

I am not too keen on the idea of being poked and prodded by just any doctor.

Talking about my health makes me very uncomfortable at times because I have been dismissed so many times and have had other people try to tell me that they have more knowledge of my body and more control of my body than me. It is an issue of bodily integrity.

[Cat Familiar]

I am not too keen on the idea of being poked and prodded by just any doctor.

Talking about my health makes me very uncomfortable at times because I have been dismissed so many times and have had other people try to tell me that they have more knowledge of my body and more control of my body than me. It is an issue of bodily integrity.

I hear you. I'm very particular about anyone touching me--it has to be someone I trust. And I'm reluctant to take any medication unless I do a lot of research about it.

I had to have surgery on my shoulder a few years ago, so I did my homework on a variety of surgeons. I went with someone who was formerly the team doctor for Duke's basketball team and who had a great track record for the type of surgery I needed. His bedside manner was passable, but I had total confidence in his surgical skills and indeed, my shoulder is almost good as new.

[eeks]

When I had ultrasounds during my pregnancies, the tech could see a gallstone on the ultrasound. I never followed up on it for a host of reasons. I am sure that this is a contributing factor. Even before the gallstone was seen on an ultrasound, I had stomach issues. When I was in college, I had an upper GI and a bunch of other tests done. I was told that it was just gastritis. I know that stress sets it off, as do hormones.

I am not too keen on the idea of being poked and prodded by just any doctor.

Talking about my health makes me very uncomfortable at times because I have been dismissed so many times and have had other people try to tell me that they have more knowledge of my body and more control of my body than me. It is an issue of bodily integrity.

Back to your original topic... .what do you think your body is trying to tell you with these episodes?  We can't give you a medical opinion, and this isn't a substitute for one, but maybe we can support you in increasing that knowledge of your own body that you value.

If your stomach could speak, what would it say?

[vortex of confusion]

Back to your original topic... .what do you think your body is trying to tell you with these episodes?  We can't give you a medical opinion, and this isn't a substitute for one, but maybe we can support you in increasing that knowledge of your own body that you value.

If your stomach could speak, what would it say?

I think it is trying to keep me in check and remind me that, ultimately, I have the power to say no. I don't have to do anything that I don't want to do. I think it was raising a red flag to remind me of all of the times that my boundaries were trampled. It was raising a red flag to remind me that I don't have to do anything with my mind or my body that I don't want to do even if it is something as simple as being in the same room as him.

As soon as I worked up the courage to ask him to leave, my stomach settled down and I started feeling better. In that moment, it was telling me to make him leave. I had enough.

I am editing to mention that I have a tendency to shut down and zone out in order to avoid conflict. I have been trying really hard to NOT shut down and let things be. Instead of shutting down, my body rebelled so that I didn't just roll over and let him stay and let him suck me back in. I have learned how to dismiss myself before anybody else has a chance. It was body keeping me honest.

[eeks]

I am editing to mention that I have a tendency to shut down and zone out in order to avoid conflict. I have been trying really hard to NOT shut down and let things be. Instead of shutting down, my body rebelled so that I didn't just roll over and let him stay and let him suck me back in. I have learned how to dismiss myself before anybody else has a chance. It was body keeping me honest.

Wow.  So what does this tell you about whether you can trust your body?  Trust yourself?

What comes to my mind here is was that it was almost like an instant snapshot representation "this is what really happens to you if you tolerate this kind of thing".

And of course I thought, in the past you just had to swallow it, but now your body is saying you can't stomach it, but please ignore me completely if that sounds too maudlin

[vortex of confusion]

Wow.  So what does this tell you about whether you can trust your body?  Trust yourself?

If I can get rid of all of the self doubt, I think I can trust myself and my body. I did not come to be where I am by making hasty decisions. I came to where I am by paying attention and trying to be very deliberate. I didn't listen to myself or my body because I didn't trust it. I didn't trust it because I had been told that I couldn't. I had been told that my observations were inaccurate. My experiences were not valid. I had all of the knowledge, wisdom, and experience that I needed all along. I just didn't listen to myself.

What comes to my mind here is was that it was almost like an instant snapshot representation "this is what really happens to you if you tolerate this kind of thing".

I hadn't quite thought of it like that. You are right. It was kind of like my body slapping me awake and keeping me from checking out.

And of course I thought, in the past you just had to swallow it, but now your body is saying you can't stomach it, but please ignore me completely if that sounds too maudlin

The reality is that the only way to continue to live with him with any kind of peace and with any kind of ability to NOT make things worse was to swallow it. When I stopped swallowing it and started setting boundaries and actually listening to my inner world, living with him became more and more difficult. It became harder and harder to be nice. Being nice required me to bury my hand in the sand and pretend like everything was okay when it was nothing near okay.

It was like being a kid all over again. There were things that I learned to tolerate and ignore just to keep my sanity. Play nice. Appease everyone.

I remember are particularly stressful one of these stomach attacks that I had when I was pregnant with my second daughter. It happened on a day when my mom and siblings were trying to pull me into their drama. They were both calling me and saying a bunch of stuff about each other. It was awful. I can still remember what I was eating. Long story short was that I asked my sister to come over because I was sick and needed help with my oldest who was 2 or 3 at the time. She came over and freaked out and called an ambulance. It was horrible. Later on, she told everybody that I had a panic attack and just wanted attention. I was seen as the pathetic person that just wanted attention.

[Grey Kitty]

What comes to my mind here is was that it was almost like an instant snapshot representation "this is what really happens to you if you tolerate this kind of thing".

I hadn't quite thought of it like that. You are right. It was kind of like my body slapping me awake and keeping me from checking out.

[... .]

Long story short was that I asked my sister to come over because I was sick and needed help with my oldest who was 2 or 3 at the time. She came over and freaked out and called an ambulance. It was horrible. Later on, she told everybody that I had a panic attack and just wanted attention. I was seen as the pathetic person that just wanted attention.

Suspect your sister was the wrong person to call for "help".

And suspect your body was telling you that too--it didn't get better when she showed up; it probably got worse.

 Your body has a pretty good idea who you can trust... .and isn't going to let you pull one over on it when it counts!

[vortex of confusion]

Suspect your sister was the wrong person to call for "help".

She was definitely the wrong person to call. I didn't realize that at the time. She has a tendency to freak out about things and it was a complete disaster. I called her the day my dog died and she thought I was joking about my dog dying.

And suspect your body was telling you that too--it didn't get better when she showed up; it probably got worse.

Oh my, it got way worse after she got there. And then it got even worse because my mom showed up too. They were backbiting with each other and it was a mess. I don't remember much after all of that because the pain was so horrible that I thought I was going to die. It wasn't until the paramedics got there and gave me oxygen that I started feeling a little better. I don't think that episode truly passed until my midwife showed up. She was awesome and was really great at advocating for me and listening to me.

 Your body has a pretty good idea who you can trust... .and isn't going to let you pull one over on it when it counts!

I need to figure out how to do a better job of listening to it. Really, I am not even sure that I don't listen as much as I am not sure what to do with what it is telling me. I eventually went NC with my sister. It took a lot of years to get to that point. Just like I knew that something wasn't quite right with my stbx for a whole lot of years. I heard it and I knew it deep within myself but I had no idea what to do with it.