Nice guy

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well, i could just beat myself up for having been such a nice guy. Paid for A LOT of things and was always there to listen to her complaining about work, family etc... .

But i guess that's not what attracts women.

I guess I now know whyvshe always contacted me again... .she just couldnt be alone.

It's been 4 days now since i heard from her so i must be replaced with someome else... .

[Tomacini]

Well, i could just beat myself up for having been such a nice guy. Paid for A LOT of things and was always there to listen to her complaining about work, family etc... .

But i guess that's not what attracts women.

I guess I now know whyvshe always contacted me again... .she just couldnt be alone.

It's been 4 days now since i heard from her so i must be replaced with someome else... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wanttoknowmore]

Welcome Tomacini,

These boards have great insights and understanding. Hope you will find answers to your problem

I just want to say "don't assume that she is with someone else"  First 3 letter in assume are  ASS and thats what happens when we assume prematurely. She is probably overwhelmed with emotions.

Kindest thing is to give her space for next 7 to 10 days and do not try to contact. In the meantime, do whatever makes you happy but do not contact her .Let her heal.

[waverider]

pwBPD are drawn to appeasers as they are needy, yet they rarely respect appeasers. pwBPD have few boundaries and so rely on others to provide them. Appeasers generally have weak boundaries.As a result they are not a stabilizing influence on pwBPD who keep testing boundaries, and find non.

Without boundaries you are hard to define, if they can't define you then they suspect you or overwrite their own projections on to you.

Why do they recontact? Because at that moment they want some cheap validation for minimal effort and experience has taught them you are a willing supplier. Being the quick fixer will not benefit anyone in the long run.

Dont be afraid to be black and white about what you will and wont do, that is a language they understand, despite any protests. Consistency is your goal.

[Tomacini]

Thx for the replies

Could you give an example on how they test boundaries? Is the push/pull such an example?

And me not contacting her is a way of setting boundaries then?

[waverider]

In your instance you say you paid for a lot of things. This indicates that you had few boundaries about where her financial responsibilities ended. So there would always some other 'essential" thing that she needed financial help with. She would most likely keep increasing this to find out how much you would pay for, but she never got the answer as she never hit a boundary. As a result her question was never answered.

To her a boundary would have been a clear signal as to where her own responsibility has to take over.

Push pull is often a way of saying help me / dont control me. Unfortunately pwBPD struggle to define the turning point going from help to control. Add to this they dont always make it clear what kind of help they need (often they dont know) so they ask for practical help (Pull), you offer it to them but they dont receive it as advise but rather as a directive, which they view as you telling them what to do/controlling. So they push you away.

Do you want to contact her, or do you feel obliged to contact her? Boundaries are about protecting you from being in a situation that makes you uncomfortable, not playing brinkmanship or a contest of wills.

What are your goals if you do? It is about you taking control over your choices. You can choose to do anything, just as long as you know why, and the potential outcomes. You know when boundaries are being crossed as you feel uncomfortable and pressured.

[Tomacini]

Well, I make a lot more money than she does so i presumed it was the logical thing to do. Although in many instances i made her pay back the money or suggested she paid for something. Which she did.

The reason i want to contact her is because we planned a trip in 2 weeks. Now with the terrorist attacks in our country she's terrified to get on an airplane. Last I heard was that she wouldnt go on a plane.

We're NC now but if course i want to know if the trip is still on... .

[waverider]

I would think you have good reason to ask the question. However have a default action, that is if you get no response, or at least a reliable one, you will assume and do X... Dont leave your plans pending on something she may or may not do. That just hands over control.

Your boundary here is you are not prepared to be left hanging, and your boundary enforcement is to make a decision yourself if decisive confirmation is not forthcoming.