Ex-love/unsure BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

I'm just curious what others make of this; whether this is a case of BPD or I'm just a narcissist not wanting to take responsibility for my own actions.

So, I was in a romantic relationship with a woman for almost exactly 5 weeks.  Quite short but we knew each other for around 3 years previously and we agreed that the attraction started much earlier.  In fact, it seemed quite fateful as we had multiple moments of meeting at the same place (our elevator - we live in the same building) every day for a week then nothing for some months then each day etc. etc. (her schedule is 9-5, mine is unpredictable).  Then I started meeting her in and near the elevator of an office I'd go to - it turned out she worked there.  Eventually, she admitted there were many more times she was either behind me or next to me and I didn't notice (she detailed the when, where and with who and these were factually correct).  Valentine's Day was the day our relationship started - a kiss by the elevator whilst it rained with the moon peeking through the clouds.  How romantic.

It finished on the 1st day of Spring.  How tragic.

So, let's the me out of the way.  The issues she had with me were jealousy.  However, I never became angry, just made a point of saying I was jealous.  The first occasion was when a guy on FB was flirting with her and whilst sitting next to me on her bed, she read half of it out, smiled and said "this man makes me feel so good with his words".  I said "hello, I'm here, I'm your boyfriend".  Her response was "I want to share the happiness with you that I get from this man".  I gave the thumbs up sarcastically and that was that.  Actually, she handled it by telling the guy if he needed a conversation partner, she'd give him the telephone numbers of psychologists.  The second occasion was when she seemed to be looking up and down a guy.  I said "hey, are you interested?".  She became angry enough to shout at me on the street so I said I was jealous but not in the pathological way she might expect.  She calmed down and explained she was only looking at the shoes, I apologised and agreed I wasn't that mature in that circumstance.

Her.  The first date was quite good albeit with an odd comment here or there but the second one was the kicker.  She seemed quite nervous so I asked if she needed a few moments to calm down.  She took 10 minutes and took out her scheduler and mobile phone and when I asked what's happening, she said "I'm scheduling my week" and ignored me.  I went downstairs for some fresh air as it was hellishly uncomfortable and when I came back, she asked me not to leave.  She then made humiliating jokes about my body (suggesting I need to visit a gym), my intelligence and my emotional strength.  She later said, jokingly; "damn, my tactic of pushing men away didn't work".  I was left with the waiter passing very nice compliments about me to her to encourage her.  She later said that she'd said to him that she was sure I'd become her boyfriend.

She confided in her cousin about the comments who told her she was too harsh so she tried to calm them down.  And no, this wasn't a case of 'negging'.  The comments, however, continued for the relationship e.g. sexually humiliating jokes, calling me an 'arsehole' and 'ass' and saying she probably shouldn't say such things as they might damage our relationship (but the comments continued).  I said that such tags can be funny in some situations but not always and to keep it in check and never used such labels myself.

She would get angry out of the blue and very often and then call them 'our arguments' but they were mostly me listening to her shouting.  Sure, I caused a few arguments and so did she but these were what we agreed were 'adjusting' to a new relationship.

The anger would take me by surprise as they would be over the oddest of things.  For example, I wanted to say "you know how you need reassurance, so do I - you didn't write much today but what you did, made me feel good and thank you" but I only got to "you didn't write much today" before she exploded, talking about her schedule, how I can't have many friends or any work if I can write when I want (later apologising).  I found myself in the comical situation of holding up my hand and saying "excuse me, I was trying to give you a compliment" many times.  When she calmed down, she said "you're too calm, you never get angry, it's strange.  You should get angry and argue, it's healthy".  I agreed it was but said I'd get angry when I had too.

Sometimes, the angry moments would be in English, Hungarian or German; knowing I don't understand German.

Or angry when I asked if she'd like to show me her Bible (I was accused of wanting to mock her like others had), calling her reserved like her ex-boyfriend had (this never happened, I never said this), saying she makes me feel 'warm and fuzzy' (she's Hungarian with near-perfect English), didn't understand the word 'fuzzy' and automatically assumed it was a negative (didn't ask me what it meant by a call or text or Google it but said she was so angry at me all afternoon).  Also angry if I'd go to the toilet and she thought I was upset and leaving her.

One night, I listened whilst she was ranting at me and she lunged at me with a half-raised arm.  I stepped back in shock and she became shocked at her behaviour, taking me into the kitchen and apologising for the anger; explaining she got the anger-gene from her father whom she said would fly into a rage and not remember it afterwards (even getting into fist fights).  She said her anger was under control.

The angry moments were several times a week.

Next to this, almost every single night, she would ask me if we're finished/are we going to finish/are you leaving me and told me she was terrified of me leaving her.  I came up with a plan to help and it was to hug her at least 1-3 times a day and tell her that I loved her and I'm not going to leave her. She loved this idea.  However, the way it was put felt like a threat and the week before we finished, I gave her a hug at night and said those words.  Her response: "I'm not going to leave you either, unless you upset me".  This gutted me and had an effect for two days.  She said she decided not to make those comments anymore about her fear of abandonment.

I'd warned her in the beginning not to keep talking about 'the end' (it started on the 2nd date) as it was like a self-fulfilling prophecy and in the end, it was brought about and I was the catalyst.

I made a silly joke, she didn't like it and exploded at me on the street.  I apologised for the joke (not about her personally), said I tried to make a joke to lighten the atmosphere but she shouted and shouted.  Eventually, she calmed down until we crossed a road then the anger came again.  I kept calm, asked her to stop talking to me that way so she mocked me multiple times, shouted more so I held her hand and it immediately stopped the anger (she looked at me with surprise 3x so I felt no one had ever tried this before with her).  We walked home and I asked her to try and control her anger a bit more but that was just another trigger and she exploded.  I finally got angry, I finally gave up on self-control and walked away, sending her a message that I'll contact her in June for a coffee, not to bother sending me messages or making calls etc.  I went back later and apologised for my words in anger but I came across a very different woman.  Incredibly cold, strict, unforgiving.  I could understand her anger from my angry message as I wanted to punish her by showing what I was listening to every single day for 5 weeks.  I knew it was wrong but it feels odd that when I got angry, I'm not given a single chance.

She labelled me previously, that week and day, actually, as caring, loving, gentle, thoughtful, tolerant and patient; thanking me several times for being so tolerant and patient.  To be honest, she was all of those things and more; I felt she was a better person than I but was lacking the tolerance.

She had said earlier that she imagined me in her future as a boyfriend and husband.  On the day of the 'explosion', she had just a few hours earlier told me that it was embarrassing to say but she imagined me and her having children and how I was her other half. 

She didn't have a relationship for 10 years prior to me, couldn't understand in the beginning why I was 'doing all this' and showing such interest as she didn't think she was worth it so I tried explaining it was because of her positive traits that I knew of.

As it is now, I received a text telling me this was the best decision for her so I asked her to at least answer why it was and the reply was "no, you had the chance to ask that question last week".

She once said 'why can't we just be a normal couple instead of arguing all the time" but I really didn't see it this way so wondered if I was deluded.  To be honest, I feel I'm a bit deluded as I didn't think we had many arguments at all as it felt like me listening to her be angry over small issues.  And the fact she labelled me as 'too calm' and never being angry doesn't fit my definition of an argument. 

She has big abandonment fears stemming from childhood whereby her brother suffered a terrible disease and the parents spent most of their attention on him; she felt left alone and acted out as a young girl.  Said she doesn't remember 3 years and more of her childhood and hated her father for quite a while, states he never gets angry at her because he 'fears her' as he loves her.

So, that's it.  My search of 'abandonment fears' kept taking me to BPD.  Am I simply trying to deflect responsibility for my own part in this fearful outcome?  I don't actually blame her for anything, to be honest, as I know she was having issues (she admitted to it and is seeing a psychologist but wouldn't say for what).  I do blame myself for getting angry and beginning the fearful evening. 

I feel gutted like a fish.  She showered me with love and attention and dreams of 'us' and in a matter of hours, because of my angry outburst that I felt so much pressure, I'm the one who resulted in the end of something that made me so very happy and something that, according to her words, made her so very happy.

I woke up today with a shock of having lost her and this is mostly how I wake up every day now.

Feeling quite lost but I'm sure I'll pick up again one day.  I respected her wishes several days ago and stopped writing to her (I limited it to E-Mail as I didn't want to overdo it with texts or something).  But that's stopped and now there's 0 contact.  At least she can hopefully get back to what made her comfortable.

[europa]

Hello,

I'm just curious what others make of this; whether this is a case of BPD or I'm just a narcissist not wanting to take responsibility for my own actions.

So, I was in a romantic relationship with a woman for almost exactly 5 weeks.  Quite short but we knew each other for around 3 years previously and we agreed that the attraction started much earlier.  In fact, it seemed quite fateful as we had multiple moments of meeting at the same place (our elevator - we live in the same building) every day for a week then nothing for some months then each day etc. etc. (her schedule is 9-5, mine is unpredictable).  Then I started meeting her in and near the elevator of an office I'd go to - it turned out she worked there.  Eventually, she admitted there were many more times she was either behind me or next to me and I didn't notice (she detailed the when, where and with who and these were factually correct).  Valentine's Day was the day our relationship started - a kiss by the elevator whilst it rained with the moon peeking through the clouds.  How romantic.

It finished on the 1st day of Spring.  How tragic.

So, let's the me out of the way.  The issues she had with me were jealousy.  However, I never became angry, just made a point of saying I was jealous.  The first occasion was when a guy on FB was flirting with her and whilst sitting next to me on her bed, she read half of it out, smiled and said "this man makes me feel so good with his words".  I said "hello, I'm here, I'm your boyfriend".  Her response was "I want to share the happiness with you that I get from this man".  I gave the thumbs up sarcastically and that was that.  Actually, she handled it by telling the guy if he needed a conversation partner, she'd give him the telephone numbers of psychologists.  The second occasion was when she seemed to be looking up and down a guy.  I said "hey, are you interested?".  She became angry enough to shout at me on the street so I said I was jealous but not in the pathological way she might expect.  She calmed down and explained she was only looking at the shoes, I apologised and agreed I wasn't that mature in that circumstance.

Her.  The first date was quite good albeit with an odd comment here or there but the second one was the kicker.  She seemed quite nervous so I asked if she needed a few moments to calm down.  She took 10 minutes and took out her scheduler and mobile phone and when I asked what's happening, she said "I'm scheduling my week" and ignored me.  I went downstairs for some fresh air as it was hellishly uncomfortable and when I came back, she asked me not to leave.  She then made humiliating jokes about my body (suggesting I need to visit a gym), my intelligence and my emotional strength.  She later said, jokingly; "damn, my tactic of pushing men away didn't work".  I was left with the waiter passing very nice compliments about me to her to encourage her.  She later said that she'd said to him that she was sure I'd become her boyfriend.

She confided in her cousin about the comments who told her she was too harsh so she tried to calm them down.  And no, this wasn't a case of 'negging'.  The comments, however, continued for the relationship e.g. sexually humiliating jokes, calling me an 'arsehole' and 'ass' and saying she probably shouldn't say such things as they might damage our relationship (but the comments continued).  I said that such tags can be funny in some situations but not always and to keep it in check and never used such labels myself.

She would get angry out of the blue and very often and then call them 'our arguments' but they were mostly me listening to her shouting.  Sure, I caused a few arguments and so did she but these were what we agreed were 'adjusting' to a new relationship.

The anger would take me by surprise as they would be over the oddest of things.  For example, I wanted to say "you know how you need reassurance, so do I - you didn't write much today but what you did, made me feel good and thank you" but I only got to "you didn't write much today" before she exploded, talking about her schedule, how I can't have many friends or any work if I can write when I want (later apologising).  I found myself in the comical situation of holding up my hand and saying "excuse me, I was trying to give you a compliment" many times.  When she calmed down, she said "you're too calm, you never get angry, it's strange.  You should get angry and argue, it's healthy".  I agreed it was but said I'd get angry when I had too.

Sometimes, the angry moments would be in English, Hungarian or German; knowing I don't understand German.

Or angry when I asked if she'd like to show me her Bible (I was accused of wanting to mock her like others had), calling her reserved like her ex-boyfriend had (this never happened, I never said this), saying she makes me feel 'warm and fuzzy' (she's Hungarian with near-perfect English), didn't understand the word 'fuzzy' and automatically assumed it was a negative (didn't ask me what it meant by a call or text or Google it but said she was so angry at me all afternoon).  Also angry if I'd go to the toilet and she thought I was upset and leaving her.

One night, I listened whilst she was ranting at me and she lunged at me with a half-raised arm.  I stepped back in shock and she became shocked at her behaviour, taking me into the kitchen and apologising for the anger; explaining she got the anger-gene from her father whom she said would fly into a rage and not remember it afterwards (even getting into fist fights).  She said her anger was under control.

The angry moments were several times a week.

Next to this, almost every single night, she would ask me if we're finished/are we going to finish/are you leaving me and told me she was terrified of me leaving her.  I came up with a plan to help and it was to hug her at least 1-3 times a day and tell her that I loved her and I'm not going to leave her. She loved this idea.  However, the way it was put felt like a threat and the week before we finished, I gave her a hug at night and said those words.  Her response: "I'm not going to leave you either, unless you upset me".  This gutted me and had an effect for two days.  She said she decided not to make those comments anymore about her fear of abandonment.

I'd warned her in the beginning not to keep talking about 'the end' (it started on the 2nd date) as it was like a self-fulfilling prophecy and in the end, it was brought about and I was the catalyst.

I made a silly joke, she didn't like it and exploded at me on the street.  I apologised for the joke (not about her personally), said I tried to make a joke to lighten the atmosphere but she shouted and shouted.  Eventually, she calmed down until we crossed a road then the anger came again.  I kept calm, asked her to stop talking to me that way so she mocked me multiple times, shouted more so I held her hand and it immediately stopped the anger (she looked at me with surprise 3x so I felt no one had ever tried this before with her).  We walked home and I asked her to try and control her anger a bit more but that was just another trigger and she exploded.  I finally got angry, I finally gave up on self-control and walked away, sending her a message that I'll contact her in June for a coffee, not to bother sending me messages or making calls etc.  I went back later and apologised for my words in anger but I came across a very different woman.  Incredibly cold, strict, unforgiving.  I could understand her anger from my angry message as I wanted to punish her by showing what I was listening to every single day for 5 weeks.  I knew it was wrong but it feels odd that when I got angry, I'm not given a single chance.

She labelled me previously, that week and day, actually, as caring, loving, gentle, thoughtful, tolerant and patient; thanking me several times for being so tolerant and patient.  To be honest, she was all of those things and more; I felt she was a better person than I but was lacking the tolerance.

She had said earlier that she imagined me in her future as a boyfriend and husband.  On the day of the 'explosion', she had just a few hours earlier told me that it was embarrassing to say but she imagined me and her having children and how I was her other half. 

She didn't have a relationship for 10 years prior to me, couldn't understand in the beginning why I was 'doing all this' and showing such interest as she didn't think she was worth it so I tried explaining it was because of her positive traits that I knew of.

As it is now, I received a text telling me this was the best decision for her so I asked her to at least answer why it was and the reply was "no, you had the chance to ask that question last week".

She once said 'why can't we just be a normal couple instead of arguing all the time" but I really didn't see it this way so wondered if I was deluded.  To be honest, I feel I'm a bit deluded as I didn't think we had many arguments at all as it felt like me listening to her be angry over small issues.  And the fact she labelled me as 'too calm' and never being angry doesn't fit my definition of an argument. 

She has big abandonment fears stemming from childhood whereby her brother suffered a terrible disease and the parents spent most of their attention on him; she felt left alone and acted out as a young girl.  Said she doesn't remember 3 years and more of her childhood and hated her father for quite a while, states he never gets angry at her because he 'fears her' as he loves her.

So, that's it.  My search of 'abandonment fears' kept taking me to BPD.  Am I simply trying to deflect responsibility for my own part in this fearful outcome?  I don't actually blame her for anything, to be honest, as I know she was having issues (she admitted to it and is seeing a psychologist but wouldn't say for what).  I do blame myself for getting angry and beginning the fearful evening. 

I feel gutted like a fish.  She showered me with love and attention and dreams of 'us' and in a matter of hours, because of my angry outburst that I felt so much pressure, I'm the one who resulted in the end of something that made me so very happy and something that, according to her words, made her so very happy.

I woke up today with a shock of having lost her and this is mostly how I wake up every day now.

Feeling quite lost but I'm sure I'll pick up again one day.  I respected her wishes several days ago and stopped writing to her (I limited it to E-Mail as I didn't want to overdo it with texts or something).  But that's stopped and now there's 0 contact.  At least she can hopefully get back to what made her comfortable.

[Fr4nz]

So, from what you wrote it's pretty clear that she has (I) abandonment issues, (ii) problems when it comes to control her anger, (iii) she was lovebombing you and (iv) you were basically walking on the eggshells all the time. Your relationship was pretty far from "normal": these are all indicators of a woman with BPD traits.

Consider the fact that she left you as a blessing in disguise. Nothing bad can come from such unstable woman. Stay NC and find an emotionally healthier woman. It is not your duty to fix her psychological defects. Also, perhaps you may want to work a little bit on your jealousy

[europa]

So, from what you wrote it's pretty clear that she has (I) abandonment issues, (ii) problems when it comes to control her anger, (iii) she was lovebombing you and (iv) you were basically walking on the eggshells all the time. Your relationship was pretty far from "normal": these are all indicators of a woman with BPD traits.

Consider the fact that she left you as a blessing in disguise. Nothing bad can come from such unstable woman. Stay NC and find an emotionally healthier woman. It is not your duty to fix her psychological defects. Also, perhaps you may want to work a little bit on your jealousy

Yeah, you're right.  I worked on it in a previous relationship (the girlfriend had a manfriend from uni that she used to meet each month for a coffee and chat and I never had a reaction as she sat me down, explained who he was and was a trustworthy woman so I never had any question of jealousy there).

The lovebombing was an interesting expression to read as that's really how it was; I just couldn't put it in words till I read your post.  Thanks for answering, I appreciate it.