Unsure whether or not to respond to email from estranged wife's daughter

[English Sid]

Hi all

It's been a while since I posted on this forum.

I have been total NC with my estranged wife since the beginning of January.

We initially broke up in July of last year, she turned up at my apartment in December out of the blue after 5 months NC to allegedly discuss divorce matters, which turned out to be a charade, hence the reason I went NC again.

After the break up in July, I was asked by her daughter if I would continue to help with her schooling due to the fact that she is in her graduation year and  to which I accepted and continued to pay for her.

I have received an email from her daughter stating she will graduate next week and thanking me for the help and support I have given her.

The dilemma I have, is do I reply to the daughter to congratulate her and wish her luck for the future or just ignore her knowing in myself, that at least I made some contribution to help her achieve her goal.

The reason I ask is that I have read that if you are in total NC, this also means family members of your Ex.

Thoughts welcome please.

[FannyB]

Sid

NC is a tool - not an absolute rule - and how far you apply it should be based on your personal circumstances and perceived level of vulnerability i.e. if you're trying desperately to detach but feeling the craving to re-connect then a total lock down of communications is the only way.

If I remember your back story you seem to have things pretty well worked out and are fairly immune to your wife's feminine wiles! I would therefore wish her daughter all the best, and say you've been happy to help out as she's a good person with a promising future. It's what any sane, decent person not involved with a pwBPD would do - and why should they stop us being who WE really are? We have the power now!

Oh - and ignore any follow-ups that this might generate from the ex! 


Fanny

[zeus123]

If I was you I would maintain complete NO CONTACT even if it's her daughter or her dog. Hitting the ball across the net only prolongs your pain. When it comes to a BPD person NC is an absolute rule and a strategy, she could turn your world upside down and inside out, so you can't even recognize yourself. A borderline betrays their partners, take advantage of them, bloodied their egos, and destroys them... stop rewarding bad behaviour, GO NO CONTACT "!

[balletomane]

Your ex's daughter is not your ex. She asked you for help with her education, you gave it, and now she has written to thank you in the way that any polite and halfway grateful person would do. If you send an acknowledgment e-mail wishing her the best for her future, you aren't encouraging or rewarding your ex's behaviour - you're just responding to the daughter's completely normal and appropriate e-mail in an appropriate way. You don't have to reply to her, of course, but I wouldn't see this as breaching your decision not to have contact with her mother.

[WoundedBibi]

I'm with FannyB on this. NC is a tool to help you detach not a goal in itself. The goal is to detach. With th daughter graduated there is a bigger detachment already. Less of a link between the two of you.

The daughter did the decent thing thanking you for your help. You did the decent thing by helping her out, and probably because you see she should have every opportunity for a bright future and shouldn't have to suffer for the mental illness of her mother more than she already has to. That says something about who you are. Why shouldn't you do the decent thing by replying to the daughter? As long as you have no ulterior motive wanting to reach mum through daughter and you have your emotions in hand as FannyB said I don't see why you shouldn't do what you would do when anybody else sent you a thank you email.

You know what to do when her mum uses this as an excuse to open communications.

[lunchbox123]

Don't punish her daughter for her mother's actions.

Give that girl a big thumbs up and wish her all the best!

[Fr4nz]

I'd answer to her daughter... .she's not her mother

[English Sid]

Thank you for the replies.

I have contacted the daughter via email and congratulated her and wished her all the best for the future.

The daughter is not to blame for her mothers actions.

Regards

Sid

[lunchbox123]

Good job Sid, you did the right thing.

[Fr4nz]

Bravo!