Struggling daily to get over BPDxgf. Heart broken :(

[oz geary]

Why do the good things that happened between me and my BPDxgf keep nagging at me? Why can't I balance the bad with the good? I can think about all the times she verbally, emotionally and physically abused me. But they seem trivial, even though I know they're not. I feel like I could over look all that just for a taste of what it was like when she was good to me. I'm trying so very hard not to ruminate on everything, but it won't stop. Every time I close my eyes I see her. I'm not joking! Not being romantic or dramatic. I literally see her when I close my eyes. I have no idea what she's doing, who she's with or anything. Sometimes it pops into my head that she's with another man and it makes me physically sick. My head spins and I can't breathe. I've been having mini panic attacks for days now. I can't keep myself busy enough. I might forget her for a few minutes when I've had drink and am with friends, but the second the conversation stops, the moment I'm not distracted, Shea there. In my head. And it's torture.

Will someone plz just talk to me?  :'(

[once removed]

hi oz geary 

im sorry to hear youre hurting  . i dont think what youre experiencing is dramatic at all, but in fact in common with many members here. i experienced much of it as well, in the form of constant ruminations, wondering what she was up to, and although not panic attacks, daily anxiety attacks that would last for hours. none of this is easy, its hell and it is torture; but it does get better.

how long has it been since the split? distracting yourself and establishing routine are good general advice though it takes time. have you considered seeing a doctor or therapist?

[oz geary]

I find myself lapsing into fantasy. My eye lids are open but my eyes can't see. My focus gets turned inwards. I imagine how it could have been, what I could have said or done differently. Or what I'd say if we met again. It feels like a fuzzy thing behind my eyes. It not comfortable but not unpleasant. It is consuming though. And I hate it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey oz geary, The symptoms you describe are quite common in the aftermath of a r/s with a pwBPD.  Many of us have been through it, believe me.  You could say that you are experiencing withdrawal symptoms, because a BPD r/s is somewhat like a drug addiction in terms of how it affects your nervous system.  Physical activity is quite helpful so try to get some exercise.  No, the verbal and physical abuse was not trivial, so don't kid yourself.  Is there another image you can call up to replace her image when you see her in your mind?  Hang in there,

LuckyJim

[oz geary]

We've broken up and gotten back together so many times. I don't know what I want. Do I want to try again? Do I want to stay away? Could we try again? I'm certain its in my best interests to stay away. I posted in another board about the whole thing. I know full well what's going on with me. I just can't stand it. I know it will end but it's horrible. I feel like the only thing that will make it better is her but I know that's not true. It just feels like that. I can't even put it all into words :'(

I'm not going back. It would be the end of me. But I want her so much. I want her to be happy. Even without me. But God its hard. I know it'll get better for me . I sincerely wish it gets better for her... .

I'm just rambling now... .

It's been a week. Pathetic eh? But it's not the first time. But I think it's the last. And that really hurts. I feel like I'd rather go back and have 2months of bliss followed by weeks of guilt, anxiety and depression rather than an indeterminate amount of time being lost in thoughts of what could have been... .

I feel so sick and tired of it all... .

[Aussie0zborn]

I was in that same position but not because I missed her. It was because of the trauma she inflicted on me with a vicious separation.

I couldn't sleep for six months without waking with the conditions you described. I hesitantly went to Vietnam for a holiday. Best thing I ever did.  Too many distractions there to even think about her for one millisecond.

I laughed, danced, ate the healthiest food, lost weight and made plenty of friends who I visit each time I go back. I now sleep like a baby. I was cured.

Sometimes removing yourself from the drama with a change of scene helps to put things into perspective by sampling the life you could have without her. Good luck.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey oz, You sound like an addict "jonesing" for another hit, even though you know it will be harmful.  Suggest you take a step back and some deep breaths.  The best thing is probably to do nothing right now, until the water clears in your head.  I predict that, at some point, you may feel grateful for getting out of an unhealthy r/s.   In the meantime, I understand, it's hell.  As they say, if in you're going through hell, keep walking!

LuckyJim

[outside9x]

HI,

I agree with Lucky Jim, and it is pretty darn close to being addicted to a drug. A drug you know is very bad for you , but every fiber in your mind and body cries out to have it again.  It's is an addiction, a very bad one at that.

Lucky Jim, is right, unfortunately, there is no way around the pain.  If you try to escape it, it will trap you more.  You need to let go and just go through it.  I know, it very hard, but the other way, as you mention, will kill you, in many ways!  I been through it, a lot of us have.  NOT easy! 

Oh, and don't think because you feel they way you do, this must be true love, (she the only one) since it hurts so bad, or you loved so much. (Love is a two way street and is much more gentle, warm and kind to the people in it)   What you are experiencing, and many here, myself included, is very close if not equal to any drug addiction since chemicals have been stirred up inside, and controlling the emotional, and mental side of you. 

Try to love yourself, take care of yourself, and value yourself.  Keep busy as others have posted.  It's not easy, but you can get back to the real you.  Never , make decisions out of fear and desperation.   Never excuse terrible actions, words against you.  ( I am sure there was plenty)   Don't feel bad if you are not strong right now, and feel weak, and lost.  These feelings need time to fade.  Maybe journaling might help to get those thoughts and feelings out.  Get them out, write them down, then try to forget about them for the day.   I know, it help me, but everyone is different.  Take care!     

[HurtinNW]

What everyone is saying!   

We are all either going through it or have gone through it. I think part of it is the trauma of the separations. My ex rages, is abusive and then breaks up with me. This is followed by weeks or months of the silent treatment. It is a horrible thing to have someone be cruel and leave you in the pain. Think about it. In a healthy relationship when someone needs to end it they try to be kind. This is completely the opposite. It puts in a place where we are in a panic, ruminating, obsessing, hurt.

I suggest reading the book Journey from Abandonment to Healing. It helps us understand those feelings of being shattered are perfectly normal.

There is nothing "pathetic" about how you are feeling. It shows the depth of your ability to love and care. You just chose to be involved with someone who is traumatizing you. That part you can change.

[C.Stein]

Oz G,

I totally get where you are right now.  I spent about 3 months in severe depression with nearly constant wet eyes and a non-stop hurricane of emotions that brought my entire life crashing down.  I had honestly never been in a lower place in my life.  I am here to tell you it does get better.

I would recommend you look into trauma bonds as this might help you understand what is going on with you right now.

Keep your head up Oz

[Nuitari]

Oz geary,

I can relate 100% to everything your saying. You are voicing perfectly everything that I've been feeling. I've been stuck in this mental state for well over a year now, oscillating between loving and hating her, wanting so badly to see her and talk to her, but at the same time wanting to avoid her like the plague. Like you, I also torment myself over what she's doing. That's the hardest part for me. I'm learning to keep myself busy during the day, but the nights are the hardest. I have to take something at night to make myself sleep, and even then I usually wake up at some point in a fit of anxiety or rage at the thought of what I know she's probably doing. Its hell. Over a year, and I still don't have a normal life. Everything she's done and all that she's put me through are always at the forefront of my thoughts, and its hard to focus on anything for long periods of time without those intrusive thoughts and feelings. One evening, I went to see a movie, just to take my mind off of things, but afterwards I couldn't even tell you what the movie was about. I was physically there in the theater looking at the giant screen in front of me, but I didn't see any of it. I can't even find temporary relief in those simple things I used to take for granted. Every aspect of my life has changed. There is no such thing as "normal" for me now.

On a bright note, I am learning to stop blaming myself. This is the one issue where I feel like I've made progress. Like you, I spent a lot of time punishing myself for messing things up with her. This place has helped me to learn that there is no happy ending in a BPD relationship, and there was nothing I could have done to save it. That guilt has been alleviated. I think the more posts you read, the better. You'll recognize your own experiences in them, and this will help you to see that the difficulties in your relationship aren't that unique and weren't of your making. That is helping me.

[Lucky Jim]

Oh, and don't think because you feel they way you do, this must be true love, (she the only one) since it hurts so bad, or you loved so much. (Love is a two way street and is much more gentle, warm and kind to the people in it)   What you are experiencing, and many here, myself included, is very close if not equal to any drug addiction since chemicals have been stirred up inside, and controlling the emotional, and mental side of you. 

Try to love yourself, take care of yourself, and value yourself.  Keep busy as others have posted.  It's not easy, but you can get back to the real you.  Never , make decisions out of fear and desperation.   Never excuse terrible actions, words against you.  ( I am sure there was plenty)   Don't feel bad if you are not strong right now, and feel weak, and lost.  These feelings need time to fade.  Maybe journaling might help to get those thoughts and feelings out.  Get them out, write them down, then try to forget about them for the day.   I know, it help me, but everyone is different.  Take care!     

Hey oz, Great advice from outside9x.  You're not alone, my friend.  Many of us have been through it and appreciate the pain you are in.  I lost myself for a while there in the throes of marriage to my BPDxW.  Not fun, believe me.  To paraphrase Dante, I was lost in a dark wood with no clear path out.  I nearly destroyed myself and only came back from the brink due to the kindness of two friends and a family member.

Now I'm back on my path, and you can find yours again, too.

LuckyJim