extreme SAD + BPD relationship

[Depression = 72% of members]

I suffered from extreme social anxiety for all my life (I cannot remember a time when I wasn't so shy it was damaging my life) - but for many years I thought my problem was well defined. I fit the diagnosis criteria for "social anxiety disorder" so well. Now, my problems have taken a new turn. Why? because I went through what I now know was a very traumatic experience.

Let me explain: Back in 2011, I was still a fresh graduate from university, and I was very successful and had a good job and good grades. I wanted to tackle my social anxiety issues once and for all, which - looking back - was a terrible decision, it wasted 5 years of my life and damaged my career.

But when I think about when exactly that "seed" was planted in my head, I always remember things that different therapists had said to me, and things that I've read online. I gave my emotions more value than they deserved and sought out to make "real" friends. I used the worst possible way: social media.

I had this idea that if I kept trying to meet new people and just "facing my fears" I would eventually get used to people and find people who were good and with whom I shared interest.

Of course, that never happened, I kept meeting new people, wasting time, not going anywhere, thinking about how this new person or that one might be the one, until in early 2012 I met a girl who was really interested in me (she liked almost every post I had on Facebook, and back then my posts were extremely emotional and erratic).

It turned out that girl had extreme BPD. She actually told me that the first time we met. I won't go into too many details, to make a long story short, I went into a relationship and there was no way I could come out of it, and it was continuous trauma for most of a year until she left me.

I say this and I know that SAD is painful, and that being lonely is terrible, but it's nothing at all compared to a week (or maybe even a day) in a relationship with someone with extreme BPD. I've spent days here there reading other people's stories, that are almost identical to mine, even though most aren't as extreme, and none seemed to suffer from something as disabling as my SAD.

I cannot get over it, I probably never will. The issue is too complicated. She died one year after the breakup and her friends blamed me for it and wrote some "threats" on Facebook that if they see me they would kill me and one of them actually sent me an SMS telling me I had killed her.

How is my fear of people irrational?

I know that therapists would probably have some rationalization for why it was all my fault and that I didn't "understand what they meant", but I don't think so. I think my social anxiety actually protected me in the past before I had this "belief" that it's always better to try, and that there is "nothing to lose"!

I'm not sure if SAD, GSAD, or even AvPD would be my main diagnosis now. I do not "want" people as much as I did back when I was in my teens and early to mid twenties. I used to idealize "people" or believe that there was someone or some people out there that I would be comfortable around and would be okay to trust and depend on. I don't have that anymore. For almost a year now I've morphed into something that is more "antisocial" than I ever thought possible. I still can't deal with people, but I don't like them anymore. I never fantasize about a world were I can connect with other people, and have close friends and a (LOL) relationship or something. These things sound so ridiculous to me now I wonder how I ever believed them to be possible. My only goal is to be independent, live a reasonably comfortable life (alone) and to not suffer before I die. That's literally it. I have no illusions about people at all. But even that seems so difficult because I can't deal with people, and I can't do a whole lot of "trivial" things.

I'm almost sure I have PTSD but I can't trust any therapist with something that sensitive. I just try to become more emotionless and I generally don't feel empathy towards other people anymore. I'm even reading a book called "the wisdom of psychopaths" (which is a pretty interesting book by the way).

[myosrymarwa]

I suffered from extreme social anxiety for all my life (I cannot remember a time when I wasn't so shy it was damaging my life) - but for many years I thought my problem was well defined. I fit the diagnosis criteria for "social anxiety disorder" so well. Now, my problems have taken a new turn. Why? because I went through what I now know was a very traumatic experience.

Let me explain: Back in 2011, I was still a fresh graduate from university, and I was very successful and had a good job and good grades. I wanted to tackle my social anxiety issues once and for all, which - looking back - was a terrible decision, it wasted 5 years of my life and damaged my career.

But when I think about when exactly that "seed" was planted in my head, I always remember things that different therapists had said to me, and things that I've read online. I gave my emotions more value than they deserved and sought out to make "real" friends. I used the worst possible way: social media.

I had this idea that if I kept trying to meet new people and just "facing my fears" I would eventually get used to people and find people who were good and with whom I shared interest.

Of course, that never happened, I kept meeting new people, wasting time, not going anywhere, thinking about how this new person or that one might be the one, until in early 2012 I met a girl who was really interested in me (she liked almost every post I had on Facebook, and back then my posts were extremely emotional and erratic).

It turned out that girl had extreme BPD. She actually told me that the first time we met. I won't go into too many details, to make a long story short, I went into a relationship and there was no way I could come out of it, and it was continuous trauma for most of a year until she left me.

I say this and I know that SAD is painful, and that being lonely is terrible, but it's nothing at all compared to a week (or maybe even a day) in a relationship with someone with extreme BPD. I've spent days here there reading other people's stories, that are almost identical to mine, even though most aren't as extreme, and none seemed to suffer from something as disabling as my SAD.

I cannot get over it, I probably never will. The issue is too complicated. She died one year after the breakup and her friends blamed me for it and wrote some "threats" on Facebook that if they see me they would kill me and one of them actually sent me an SMS telling me I had killed her.

How is my fear of people irrational?

I know that therapists would probably have some rationalization for why it was all my fault and that I didn't "understand what they meant", but I don't think so. I think my social anxiety actually protected me in the past before I had this "belief" that it's always better to try, and that there is "nothing to lose"!

I'm not sure if SAD, GSAD, or even AvPD would be my main diagnosis now. I do not "want" people as much as I did back when I was in my teens and early to mid twenties. I used to idealize "people" or believe that there was someone or some people out there that I would be comfortable around and would be okay to trust and depend on. I don't have that anymore. For almost a year now I've morphed into something that is more "antisocial" than I ever thought possible. I still can't deal with people, but I don't like them anymore. I never fantasize about a world were I can connect with other people, and have close friends and a (LOL) relationship or something. These things sound so ridiculous to me now I wonder how I ever believed them to be possible. My only goal is to be independent, live a reasonably comfortable life (alone) and to not suffer before I die. That's literally it. I have no illusions about people at all. But even that seems so difficult because I can't deal with people, and I can't do a whole lot of "trivial" things.

I'm almost sure I have PTSD but I can't trust any therapist with something that sensitive. I just try to become more emotionless and I generally don't feel empathy towards other people anymore. I'm even reading a book called "the wisdom of psychopaths" (which is a pretty interesting book by the way).

[Mutt]

Hi myosrymarwa,



I'm sorry to hear about your girlfriend. That sounds terrible with what her friends put your through on social media. I can imagine how difficult a r/s with a pwBPD would be when we're suffering from an anxiety disorder. The pain from a break-up w/ a pwBPD can feel insurmountable, it helps to talk to members that have similar experiences. A group and psychotherapy concurrently is helpful. I'm glad that you decided to join the discussions. You can also find the lessons on the right side of the board. Hang in there.