I got a response...no longer black?

[Allranuthin]

Hello All,

Quick summary... .long term r/s shared a home.  About a year of spiraling emotional difficulties, she broke up/moved out in Jan. I was painted black.  NC for almost 3months.  I reached out in an email last week and took responsibility for my part (in other words: JADEing and invalidating) in our cycle of turmoil.  I got this response from her: "Because I care, I wanted to let you know that I have read your email.  I do appreciate it. Reading your words, although very insightful and kind, trigger emotions in me that are painful. I cant see you in person because it impacts me. I still care about you and your well-being, that will never change. You know that it takes me a long time to heal from an event and I must focus on healing right now. What I felt the day we broke up was profound, and it's going to take me a long time to put it in its rightful place. Please know I'm not mad and I don't to hurt you with my distance. I must do this in my process to heal. When I have the strength to manage my emotions that triggered me from that day, I will be able to talk you. Until then, I ask that you give me space. I am very sorry, please understand where I am"

This is the only time we have ever "broken up" although there were several incidents of fight or flight that usually lasted hours or a day, two days at the most-she would usually return feeling guilt and shame for her emotional outbursts.

Being that I truly want to reconcile our relationship, especially after feeling stronger and more prepared to not escalate things anymore and be more supportive and validating---which was a huge part of what led to the breakup--what do you think about the reply?  Does it sound like there is a chance?  When I first got the reply I felt very positive and relieved... .it seems like I am no longer black, yet after a couple of days of thinking about everything, I am pretty sad... .fearing she will forget about me... .never find the strength to risk being close to me again... .talking face to face... .just wondering what take others here might have?

I have not responded... .even though my heart wants to, I feel I need to just let it ride... .just very heartbroken right now... .

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[Turkish]

She's asserting a boundary, and seems remarkably honest. It warrants a reply, but it's good to valdate her (you can even quote some of what she said to let you know you heard her). SET, and BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm), though you can probably drop to Firm in this case. You already said what you said. She replied. Best not to repeat yourself. It might lead into a back and forth, resulting in you both being retriggered.

[Allranuthin]

Hello Turkish,

Thanks for your thoughts.  She is remarkably honest and self aware.  None of her behaviors or emotions have ever been deceitful or lies.  Much of the time she can be extremely lucid, understands emotionally, physiologically, and cognitively how/why she gets triggered... .but of course beyond her control.  Unfortunately, in the moment the causes are seen as all external and the rage and other out of control behavior gets justified by the distortions.  While I do play a role in escalating at times, the triggers always occur... .and she made this decision to leave during one of them... .almost with so much rage and drama and painting me black to everyone... .that she had to go through with moving out, building walls and staying away? I wonder if it was some semblance of responsibility in her response and that she may be feeling it was a mistake? Hence all the processing and space?  I am speculating... .but her words do say leave some room for interpretation... .I guess?   In a response... .I am thinking about stating that I respect her need for space to process everything, validate that it was an extremely difficult day/event, and that I understand that she needs some time,  tell her how much I appreciate her giving so much thought to her reply to me... .and offer to talk when she finds the strength?  Any advice would be appreciated... .

[Grey Kitty]

So she's self-aware and honest.

With limits.

Self-awareness doesn't seem to stop her from blaming external causes for all her feelings.

Correct me if I'm wrong here... .but none of this sounds like a change to me.

If she stays this way, what kind of relationship do you see you having with her should she be willing to reconcile?