relationship of 5 years ended, cant get over her

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

hi, im from méxico

this is the third week of separation from my 5 years relationship

It destroys me to see how easy is for her the separation, she even told she feels with lots of energy and i feel dead

x(

Three weeks ago i discovered she was cheating on me with someone related to her work, it seems they only have kissed on a date but im not sure if i should believe that... .

she denied everything until i took her cellphone by force and recovered the messages

but she was cold, like if she didnt even recognized me, she screamed to leave her alone, and that it was her life. Its like she turned into another person x(

im still traumatized, i was so sure we were going to be together always, and have a family, im 28 and shes 27, she was my life x(

when we first met, it was a violent, dramatic relationship, she would have this anger attacks explosions at any moment when she used to feel rejected or jealous, she was extremely jealous

she used to cut herself, in legs and arms, also used to threatened to suicide when she was on crisis

but besides all this, we had a beautiful relationship, a great communication, lots of stuff in common, it was the best of my life, i truly dreamed to be with her and have a family in the near future


i dont really know what to do, is like i was living a dream, and is over all of a sudden

she had cheated me once by internet, and i let it pass as something shallow and non.important bc it was more like an emotional infidelity, she said it was only an impulse, but then there were multiple times and events when i felt like she was hidding stuff, i still wonder about some times but as i said, she swears that there was nothing else

when she got really depressed and angry we visit two doctors and she was puts on medication, and she said it worked, i dont know what ot think now... .


did she cheated on me because of her condition? or because i was not enough anymore?


i feel guilty maybe i should have cared and listened her more, and we should have worked more on her condition

after reading the ifnormation of the forum, i feel also like i failed and lose self-respect, and i also losed her respect x(

she first told she was planning to be with his lover, but then she told me she changed her mind and now she says she will be alone for a long time, and that maybe in the future we can be friends, or something else if were ok with it

i dont know what to think, or to do

im really hurt bc of the cheating, and his change of attitude

we used to see each other each day, and now i feel like i never existed for her, or like i was just another friend, im being delusional, i cant sleep well lately

everytime i try to sleep theres like sounds or voices that prevent me from falling asleep, and when i do, i have nightmares

im tired of crying, i cant even think something positive

i feel like dead, like i cant work on myself or even find energy to get over this

i have watched her go nuts by simple unimportant stuff, and for our separation she is like a cold new person

i cant say i ahve no blame on this, i always feared that she was going to treat me like that one day, but when i was with her, it was like i forget all that, and she would always used to tell me that i was enough for her, so she wouldnt do the same she did to her ex, or to her ex-friends

i think i should have heard my instincts and be prepared for this, but to me, it used to feel so real, it was a crazy stuff, when i was alone i was really paranoid and insecure about what she felt about me

lately we had been having problems bc of my insecurity and paranoid, bc she had a visit from a friend from Japan, and this was really strange to me, that she had a visit from someone else, but it was worse that she just ignored me trough 2 consecutive days to be with him

i was paranoid and insecure because of this, i didnt knew what they did, altough she swears they did nothing and were just friends, but i didnt knew what to think to be honest, i decided to let it go, to admit that i should trust in her, it was just offensive she ignored me, but i had no evidence to think she was lying to me

i decided one day forget about this stuff, i really did it with lots of tought that i prefered our relationship that my paranoia, and she sweared nothing happened and that i was everything to her

and now 1 month after that all of a sudden she cheats on me x(!, and she even said to me she didnt believed in relationships,what the heck! but then she said she didnt really tought that


lately she tries to be kind, but to me she appears really cold, i think i could get her back to me if decide it, but then i would be living in hell expecting the next time she changes her mind and leaves, or ignores me, or cheats on me again

sorry for my bad english im still learning

and sorry for this long incoherent stuff

i know im not thinking well

she is a pretty special person, lots of positive characteristics, shes pretty creative, i know she will find or already found someone else

how can i get over this? i feel like my life just escaped from my hands, and without energy

i know i lose her, bc after 5 years i know when something doesnt interests her anymore, and thats me

but im dont feel ready to get over her x( i think besides all what she did, i still admire her and love her

is it possible to stop loving someone and totally forget her?

i just wrotte to her that i will not have more contact with her, bc i feel pretty bad about knowing about her new life

but now im alone, without her she was my best friend

sorry... .i know this sounds like bad english and no coherent story maybe i havent sleep well in weeks x(

well i just needed to writte or talk... .sorry for this long post

[misaelb]

hi, im from méxico

this is the third week of separation from my 5 years relationship

It destroys me to see how easy is for her the separation, she even told she feels with lots of energy and i feel dead

x(

Three weeks ago i discovered she was cheating on me with someone related to her work, it seems they only have kissed on a date but im not sure if i should believe that... .

she denied everything until i took her cellphone by force and recovered the messages

but she was cold, like if she didnt even recognized me, she screamed to leave her alone, and that it was her life. Its like she turned into another person x(

im still traumatized, i was so sure we were going to be together always, and have a family, im 28 and shes 27, she was my life x(

when we first met, it was a violent, dramatic relationship, she would have this anger attacks explosions at any moment when she used to feel rejected or jealous, she was extremely jealous

she used to cut herself, in legs and arms, also used to threatened to suicide when she was on crisis

but besides all this, we had a beautiful relationship, a great communication, lots of stuff in common, it was the best of my life, i truly dreamed to be with her and have a family in the near future


i dont really know what to do, is like i was living a dream, and is over all of a sudden

she had cheated me once by internet, and i let it pass as something shallow and non.important bc it was more like an emotional infidelity, she said it was only an impulse, but then there were multiple times and events when i felt like she was hidding stuff, i still wonder about some times but as i said, she swears that there was nothing else

when she got really depressed and angry we visit two doctors and she was puts on medication, and she said it worked, i dont know what ot think now... .


did she cheated on me because of her condition? or because i was not enough anymore?


i feel guilty maybe i should have cared and listened her more, and we should have worked more on her condition

after reading the ifnormation of the forum, i feel also like i failed and lose self-respect, and i also losed her respect x(

she first told she was planning to be with his lover, but then she told me she changed her mind and now she says she will be alone for a long time, and that maybe in the future we can be friends, or something else if were ok with it

i dont know what to think, or to do

im really hurt bc of the cheating, and his change of attitude

we used to see each other each day, and now i feel like i never existed for her, or like i was just another friend, im being delusional, i cant sleep well lately

everytime i try to sleep theres like sounds or voices that prevent me from falling asleep, and when i do, i have nightmares

im tired of crying, i cant even think something positive

i feel like dead, like i cant work on myself or even find energy to get over this

i have watched her go nuts by simple unimportant stuff, and for our separation she is like a cold new person

i cant say i ahve no blame on this, i always feared that she was going to treat me like that one day, but when i was with her, it was like i forget all that, and she would always used to tell me that i was enough for her, so she wouldnt do the same she did to her ex, or to her ex-friends

i think i should have heard my instincts and be prepared for this, but to me, it used to feel so real, it was a crazy stuff, when i was alone i was really paranoid and insecure about what she felt about me

lately we had been having problems bc of my insecurity and paranoid, bc she had a visit from a friend from Japan, and this was really strange to me, that she had a visit from someone else, but it was worse that she just ignored me trough 2 consecutive days to be with him

i was paranoid and insecure because of this, i didnt knew what they did, altough she swears they did nothing and were just friends, but i didnt knew what to think to be honest, i decided to let it go, to admit that i should trust in her, it was just offensive she ignored me, but i had no evidence to think she was lying to me

i decided one day forget about this stuff, i really did it with lots of tought that i prefered our relationship that my paranoia, and she sweared nothing happened and that i was everything to her

and now 1 month after that all of a sudden she cheats on me x(!, and she even said to me she didnt believed in relationships,what the heck! but then she said she didnt really tought that


lately she tries to be kind, but to me she appears really cold, i think i could get her back to me if decide it, but then i would be living in hell expecting the next time she changes her mind and leaves, or ignores me, or cheats on me again

sorry for my bad english im still learning

and sorry for this long incoherent stuff

i know im not thinking well

she is a pretty special person, lots of positive characteristics, shes pretty creative, i know she will find or already found someone else

how can i get over this? i feel like my life just escaped from my hands, and without energy

i know i lose her, bc after 5 years i know when something doesnt interests her anymore, and thats me

but im dont feel ready to get over her x( i think besides all what she did, i still admire her and love her

is it possible to stop loving someone and totally forget her?

i just wrotte to her that i will not have more contact with her, bc i feel pretty bad about knowing about her new life

but now im alone, without her she was my best friend

sorry... .i know this sounds like bad english and no coherent story maybe i havent sleep well in weeks x(

well i just needed to writte or talk... .sorry for this long post

[Ahoy]

Mate, WELCOME. I'm so glad you have found this place.

I can  say without a doubt, YOU DESERVE BETTER! It sounds like your love is not being reciprocated at all!

In the first few days after my breakup (only 3 weeks ago) I was glued to this website day and night, reading, reading reading.

What It helped me do was realize that people who stay strong GET BETTER, it just takes a lot of time. Reading also helped identify strong common-theme patterns with my partner and shed light on why she acted a certain way during our arguments/times of stress.

Don't turn to alcohol, if you have any close friends/family, now is the time to talk to them and establish your support network. If they don't understand you, come on here, we are the best damn family you will never meet!

[Rannan]

Hello Misaelb. First of all welcome and please stay awhile.   You'll find many people here everyday going through the same things as you are, and the more you read and the more you learn about the dynamics of your relationship, the more you will understand how it has never and will never be your fault that the relationship went sour.

I know what you are going through. Today marks the second week since my fiancee of 10 years left me with a replacement lined up for the next day, seamlessly entering into a new relationship and claiming she never truly loved me but she 'loves' him. She will post on her social media and flaunt how free and happy she feels now, making you wonder if it was truly you who was the problem. This is all a ruse; a masquerade that she will and must uphold to keep her from dealing with her own unresolved emotions. She will enter a period of mirroring whoever she is with, and appear to be happy because she is currently basking in the light of the honeymoon phase. This is all temporary. Remember how your own relationship started, and I can guarantee that same pattern will repeat itself here.

Let me tell you something: Someone with her condition is never happy. They are plagued with doubt and fear and misery and an emptiness you and I cannot even imagine, and desperately try to flail and latch on to any piece of driftwood they can to stay afloat. This is the nature of the illness, and it doesn't matter if you were a devil or a saint, they ultimately carve the path of their own lives and it has nothing to do with you.

Please take a moment to remember this. This isn't your fault. You did everything you could but you cannot change the nature of someone like this. Only they with years of dedicated effort and therapy can make changes within themselves.

I know you love her deepl--as many of us have loved our BPDexes and mourn her loss--and it is going to take time and strength to heal from the emotional wounds that are left in your heart. I promise you that you're not alone and every day it will get easier--even if just in an infinitesimally small way--if you allow it to. You did the right thing by going NC; you need to relearn how to stand alone again and be happy as an individual. Treat yourself nicely because after five years of struggles, it is time to rest your mind and your soul and to tend to your wounds.

I wish you the best. It is a long road to recovery but the scars you have from this relationship will leave you as a stronger person. I promise you this. It takes a damn strong person to survive relationships like this.