I am so scared

[miss_sunshine]

Hi everyone,

I am a girl, 26 and been in a relationship with a BPD 24 yrs old boy for more than a year.

We started pretty cool, both professional and intelligent, physically attracted and emotionally excited about each other. From the very first shots I realized he wasn't that much curious about me, he was impulsive and anything that would bring a sense of awkwardness and joy he would go for it! Super sarcastic and he seemed to enjoy teasing me in every possible way!. Time went by and I was more shocked that why I can not find a pattern in his behavior, I invested great amount of time and energy reading books and watching videos, about men, relationship, psychology and ... ..

Meanwhile, he was just breaking up and making up every 3-4 weeks. It was at some point after 3 months of dating that he started to take me for granted, anything I was doing was my duty to serve him, why? because I was madly in love with him and couldn't survive without him! That's of course what he believed, I was just wondering why I can't solve this problem? He was more of a puzzle to me that I was thinking one day I will make it to the lovely picture. He was mostly cold and emotionally unavailable, but sometimes he acted like a total gentleman, and that was the starting point of a new analysis cycle for me to find out what triggered him to do so, I was hoping to find this secret formula and build the fairytale! On the other hand, he is super successful professionally and that's why I couldn't believe he holds any fundamental problem and still keeps the stability everywhere except our relationship. That leaded me to think that something must be wrong with me, myself.

His actions are in total contradiction with his behavior, he says he will be there for me but after the loss of a family member, after a time I was in hospital, after leaving my job, after having a panic attack one night... .after all these he was never there.

Last six months was a disaster, several break-ups and massive resentment leaded to this point now that I am unbelievably exhausted.

What I am scared about is that my two closest girlfriends hold very similar symptoms of NPD/BPD and talking to them they affected my mentally so much that after any abuse I would rationalize his behavior. I leave alone and I don't have my family around, now I am even scared of talking to anybody, and these friends specially. Going through a breakup all alone is so devastating to me. I think my father also has BPD and maybe it is also in my genes, but I am so scared of the world that I am surrounded with people ready to explode... .

I still have very strong feelings for him, I makes me happy more than anyone else and even thinking about forgetting him hurts me deeply. He tells me he misses me and wants to see me, I told him I need some space and he started the breakup thing. He said all these things that the timing is not right, that I dont have things he wants, he wants to be with other girls and ... .I heard them dozens of times before, I am so scared that why we only wake demons in each other?... .Is there anyway to learn to love again?... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[C.Stein]

Hello  ,

Understanding the BPD dynamic can both be eye opening and confusing at the same time.  It is so hard to reconcile these different behaviors and I understand your feelings of frustration and heart break.

There is nothing you can do about him directly, but you can do something about you which can have an indirect impact on him.

With that being said I'd like to point out a few things.

because I was madly in love with him and couldn't survive without him! That's of course what he believed, I was just wondering why I can't solve this problem?  

He was more of a puzzle to me that I was thinking one day I will make it to the lovely picture.   He was mostly cold and emotionally unavailable, but sometimes he acted like a total gentleman, and that was the starting point of a new analysis cycle for me to find out what triggered him to do so, I was hoping to find this secret formula and build the fairytale!

See the sections I highlighted in bold.  What do you feel about these and how do you think this impacts your relationship and him specifically?  

On the other hand, he is super successful professionally and that's why I couldn't believe he holds any fundamental problem and still keeps the stability everywhere except our relationship. That leaded me to think that something must be wrong with me, myself.

BPD does not necessarily translate into every aspect of a persons life.   The disorder will manifest itself in situations that are emotionally volatile and/or intimate.  This is why you will see many times someone who suffers from the disorder can function normally in every aspect of their life except in close intimate relationships.  It is easy to think there is something wrong with you when you are faced with this.   You cannot take responsibility for his behavior in the relationship.  That said, it is all too easy to ignore our own issues and blame it on our partners BP.

His actions are in total contradiction with his behavior, he says he will be there for me but after the loss of a family member, after a time I was in hospital, after leaving my job, after having a panic attack one night... .after all these he was never there.

Last six months was a disaster, several break-ups and massive resentment leaded to this point now that I am unbelievably exhausted.

I totally get that feeling of being exhausted, both emotionally and physically.  The contradiction between the words and the actions is one of the hardest things to deal with.  In relationships with borderlines you will find you need to self-sooth, to validate yourself because your partner either cannot see when it is needed and/or is simply incapable of providing the emotional support.  When ever I was in pain, typically as a result of something she did or said, my ex simply could not face it.  She would then play the victim leading me to eventually feel guilty.  As a result I would put aside my emotions ... .or maybe more appropriately I would let her dismiss my emotions.  This was the wrong thing to do, both for me and the relationship.  

What I am scared about is that my two closest girlfriends hold very similar symptoms of NPD/BPD and talking to them they affected my mentally so much that after any abuse I would rationalize his behavior. I leave alone and I don't have my family around, now I am even scared of talking to anybody, and these friends specially. Going through a breakup all alone is so devastating to me. I think my father also has BPD and maybe it is also in my genes, but I am so scared of the world that I am surrounded with people ready to explode... .

I also found myself rationalizing behavior ... .and eventually just ignoring it.  Again this was the wrong thing to do because by ignoring/rationalizing the behavior I was enabling it.

It is difficult when you feel trapped when surrounded by people who generate fear within you.  How do you think you might go about finding some more positive people to offset the volatility of people you have to interact with?

I still have very strong feelings for him, I makes me happy more than anyone else and even thinking about forgetting him hurts me deeply. He tells me he misses me and wants to see me, I told him I need some space and he started the breakup thing. He said all these things that the timing is not right, that I dont have things he wants, he wants to be with other girls and ... .I heard them dozens of times before, I am so scared that why we only wake demons in each other?... .Is there anyway to learn to love again?... .

Have you read any of the articles on this site?

I highly recommend starting here.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Then follow up with the other articles that can be found on the right, particularly the validation and mindfulness articles.

I also encourage you to check out the various tools you can use to help you manage a relationship with a borderline.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0;sort=views;desc

These tools don't only apply to borderline relationships.  They can be used to improve any relationship, even non-intimate ones.

What is the current state of your relationship?

[miss_sunshine]

Hi and many thanks for your very informative reply. I will go through the points mentioned one by one:

Based on the points that you highlighted, I think I am behaving in needy and desperate manners. I think the way I expressed myself during this time represents that I don't see him, himself. I just try to fit him to my own imaginary picture. I feel insecure and my insecurities caused me to force him fit better to the way I feel more secure, which I should be really responsible for. I really never saw it like this before!

I totally get that feeling of being exhausted, both emotionally and physically.  The contradiction between the words and the actions is one of the hardest things to deal with.  In relationships with borderlines you will find you need to self-sooth, to validate yourself because your partner either cannot see when it is needed and/or is simply incapable of providing the emotional support.  When ever I was in pain, typically as a result of something she did or said, my ex simply could not face it.  She would then play the victim leading me to eventually feel guilty.  As a result I would put aside my emotions ... .or maybe more appropriately I would let her dismiss my emotions.  This was the wrong thing to do, both for me and the relationship.

After I read the validation article I clearly see that my resentment and anger leaded me to invalidate most of the things I heard from him. This mechanism actually escalated our arguments so fast that we would both say that enough is enough. I remember in first months I heard from him that I find a positive thing in everything he says and that he likes it... .. The other problem regarding validation is that his main communication tool is texting, which is why I have only words there and we have always arguments there. Surprisingly, we just once had an argument in person, he doesn't express his anger in person, he gets distant and when exactly I think the issue is resolved, he tries to bring it, then I feel I have been fooled so I get angry.

It is difficult when you feel trapped when surrounded by people who generate fear within you.  How do you think you might go about finding some more positive people to offset the volatility of people you have to interact with?

What I am confused about is that I find symptoms of BPD with myself as well, although I never had the history of similar roller coaster relationships, I just cant distinguish whether I do have it or I am mirroring other people's behavior. I decided not to talk about my relationship with friends, I am extremely happy I found this place actually now. Also I am seeing a shrink now for like a month, I was in denial for first sessions about my bf, then I opened up to her and she is now helping me to regain my self-esteem. But as I see myself with splitting thinking, I guess at first my bf was all white, now he is all black and thats why my shrink cant realize the reality between us because she only sees me.

(My bf wont come and see my shrink, please dont suggest that)

The tools/articles you mentioned are very useful, I think I have so much to learn about communication. Have to admit also that I have been the only child for the first 10 years of my life, had rarely had any close friends so basically I never had a chance of learning people skills naturally.

Lastly, now I dont know where we are. We barely talk, and after I said I need space he broke up. We talked afterwards, I accused him that he never had feelings for me and he admitted that of course he had. I now miss him so much, probably like every other times he will contact me again and I dont know how to go on... .

[Circle]

Hi,

I don't have any real words of wisdom for you. Just wanted to let you know that I read your posts. I've been in relationships with disordered people also; it's very confusing. Hang in there. If you are scared though, have you considered putting up a boundary? Perhaps you could be friends still with your old boyfriend; without being physical? Perhaps not being physical with him, would allow you to control your reactions more and stay calmer - and not ignite conflict with each other. Just thoughts. Remember, you are the first person. The first person you need to care for. The first person you need to set boundaries around (what you are willing and not willing to accept). Take care!

[miss_sunshine]

Hi,

I don't have any real words of wisdom for you. Just wanted to let you know that I read your posts. I've been in relationship ... .

Thanks for your kind words and reading the posts, you are so right about the boundaries and I am just working on myself to become more confident setting them assertively.

So a bit of update on my previous posts. As I expected he came back to me, we were alright for couple of days then again when we had a disagreement he accused me of not being on his side. I asked him not to brag about his accomplishments on social media as this is annoying... .He accused me of controlling him and wanting him not to have any friends and any other options! In a blink of an eye I became an enemy and we were on a war. To be honest, I feel like an outsider after all this time, he is nice and decent with all his friends specially girls, but when it comes to me his first reaction is always getting angry. It is terrible when I hear all this insults and I need to stay calm, it kills me inside because I never had problems of expressing myself... .It was more related to NPD I guess, and he got angry that I not only worship him like all those fake people, I also criticize him!

Btw, I am happy that my shrink confirmed I do not hold any BPD symptoms. I am not sure really that it worth the try or not anymore, this cycle is constant, we have an argument, I become frustrated, then I read stuffs and decide to give it another chance changing my behavior to make things steady, which is impossible with a BPD... .

[Circle]

Yeah, whether or not it's worth it, is up to you, of course. I'm still putting up with my dxBPDso. We haven't slept together in quite a while. The emphasis changed to being a friendship about a year ago, with occasional regressions back to the physical. Only, like you say, I have reached the point where it throws me off to be suddenly involved in warfare, for simply stating an objection, or begging to differ with my friend. I have more recently come into touch with the fact that the potential exists for worse outcomes even, than I have been subject to yet. This has put me a bit more on guard. Lately, struggling not to become enmeshed physically has had pay-offs for me. I am feeling somewhat lighter, and able to field my dxBPDso's aggression more. There does not seem to be one path through the wilderness. Keep reading, commenting, and posting as you figure it all out. And try not to invalidate your BPDso; it just makes everything so much worse!

[Grey Kitty]

What I am confused about is that I find symptoms of BPD with myself as well, although I never had the history of similar roller coaster relationships, I just cant distinguish whether I do have it or I am mirroring other people's behavior. I decided not to talk about my relationship with friends, I am extremely happy I found this place actually now. Also I am seeing a shrink now for like a month, I was in denial for first sessions about my bf, then I opened up to her and she is now helping me to regain my self-esteem. But as I see myself with splitting thinking, I guess at first my bf was all white, now he is all black and thats why my shrink cant realize the reality between us because she only sees me.

(My bf wont come and see my shrink, please dont suggest that)

This happens to a many of us. There is a saying "If you sleep with the dogs, you're gonna get fleas" We even have a little friendly icon for those sort of things here!

The good news is that when you pick up these bad habits from your partner, they are a LOT easier to set down and stop for you than for a person who has BPD.

One pretty extreme example I had in the darkest days of my marriage was self-injury. Cutting or other forms of self-injury are a coping mechanism common for pwBPD. I never did it... .until I did... .I caught myself banging my head on something in the middle of a fight with my wife. It actually got her attention and kinda stopped her (emotionally/verbally) beating me up. Looking back, it is really disturbing. Both that I did it. And that it seemed to "work". That might be even worse.

Anyhow, after I calmed down, I had a serious What the heck? moment with myself, and swore I would never do THAT again. Turned out that I did it one more time. And that was the last. Been years. Been through a lot. Never wanted to do it again, never did it again.

From what I know of people (like pwBPD) who came by this coping mechanism directly, it is MUCH MUCH MUCH harder to stop.

I'm glad you are in therapy. I'm sure it will continue to help you, no matter what happens in your r/s. [And if your bf does somehow change his mind and express interest in therapy, ask yours for a separate recommendation, instead of having the same therapist with him.]