And the sins of the past (reality) has showed up from previous pastor

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well, we have had a really great weekend.  She went of to work happy.  I'm doing good as well.

It's a good think to get your point of view validated.  The previous pastor that knows our current biblical counselor.  The current guy reached out to the previous one and asked him a series of questions.

Of course we both had a list of issues.  My wife's was about twice as long as mine.

Guess what was on top of her list.   Yep, the word was there.  "paranoia"

My wife was described as "more demonstrably angry"

Fairly lengthy write-up about how my wife constantly "quizzes" me about other women.

That my wife "meditates" and "ruminates" on "what is not true" or "past conflicts"

The list goes on.  Her primary confidants are listed as "bad examples" and "poor influences".  With her sister having an affair and multiple divorces.

Her stuff goes on.



Here is my list

Believes ff wife to be unstable and irrational. 

FF is guarded in what he is thinking and doing.   

He talks allot but sometimes would not tell what was really happening or what he was

thinking.

Sinful expressions of anger and bitterness (clamming up, throwing things, threats,

profanity)

Focuses primarily on ff wife sin, outbursts. 

Responds to ff wife anger by withholding relationship.

end of list.

Only think I don't understand completely is "withholding relationship".  I'm guessing that would be when she would be mad, I would do things in the barn or otherwise stay away from her.

Wonder what counseling will be like today?


FF

[formflier]

Well, we have had a really great weekend.  She went of to work happy.  I'm doing good as well.

It's a good think to get your point of view validated.  The previous pastor that knows our current biblical counselor.  The current guy reached out to the previous one and asked him a series of questions.

Of course we both had a list of issues.  My wife's was about twice as long as mine.

Guess what was on top of her list.   Yep, the word was there.  "paranoia"

My wife was described as "more demonstrably angry"

Fairly lengthy write-up about how my wife constantly "quizzes" me about other women.

That my wife "meditates" and "ruminates" on "what is not true" or "past conflicts"

The list goes on.  Her primary confidants are listed as "bad examples" and "poor influences".  With her sister having an affair and multiple divorces.

Her stuff goes on.



Here is my list

Believes ff wife to be unstable and irrational. 

FF is guarded in what he is thinking and doing.   

He talks allot but sometimes would not tell what was really happening or what he was

thinking.

Sinful expressions of anger and bitterness (clamming up, throwing things, threats,

profanity)

Focuses primarily on ff wife sin, outbursts. 

Responds to ff wife anger by withholding relationship.

end of list.

Only think I don't understand completely is "withholding relationship".  I'm guessing that would be when she would be mad, I would do things in the barn or otherwise stay away from her.

Wonder what counseling will be like today?


FF

[byfaith]

Hey FF,

A little humor... .but truth

God sanctions your barn time

Proverbs 21:19

It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

Proverbs 21:9

It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.

[Notwendy]

and guys, don't forget that blaming the woman is one of the  the oldest sins in the book, and that one didn't go very well. 

[formflier]

Hey FF,

A little humor, but truth

God sanctions your barn time

Proverbs 21:19

It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

Proverbs 21:9

It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.

Yeah, unfortunately, I am very familiar with this verse,

It is very true.

FF

[Verbena]

So the current counselor contacted your last counselor and asked questions.  I understand that part, but I'm confused about her list and your list.  

These were lists that the past counselor made about each of you or lists that you and your wife made? 

[empath]

It sounds like your 'issues' are related to being in a relationship with your wife who is unstable and paranoid. Your reactions of withdrawing, being guarded, and clamming up in a climate that is threatening are not sinful. Even Jesus avoided those who wanted to harm him (until it was the 'right' time for his purpose to be fulfilled) and often spoke in 'parables' and obscurity -- disciples complained about that.

Throwing things and meeting the abuse with loud voices and profanity are probably sins; I'm sure you know that, though. It is hard to not escalate our own reactions when we are being attacked and accused.

[formflier]

So the current counselor contacted your last counselor and asked questions.  I understand that part, but I'm confused about her list and your list.  

These were lists that the past counselor made about each of you or lists that you and your wife made? 

These are lists that our past counselor and his wife put together about us.

Basically observations of a trusted third party about "our ways of thinking and acting".

I consistently held a belief that my wife was "unstable and irrational". 

The previous counselor was the one that used the term paranoia.  In fact, I think that is the first place I started to associate that term with my wife.  Sometimes when you are in the middle of things, you miss some really obvious stuff.

I remember when he asked me about some of her "theories".   I said "she believes a lot of stuff that isn't true or has no basis in fact".  He said it was "almost to the point of paranoia" or something to that effect. 

FF

[formflier]

She hadn't read them before we got to counseling. 

I'm sure at some point this evening she read them, because during our "meeting" this evening, she was a handful.

Told me what I was thinking and feeling, scolded me for positions and feelings she assigned to me,

I let it slide and didn't pick up the stick (bait) until the dog peed on the floor.

I asked her if she knew where the carpet shampooer was and she got really weird.  Asked rhetorical questions and refused to speak some.  Then she said that I was responsible for the dog.  So (trying to problem solve) I said fine, I'll be responsible for the dog, and picked up the dog off the couch and put the dog in her kennel. 

Wife flipped out.  Claimed that I "ripped her from her arms", blah blah blah.  Pushed me as she tried to get to the dog.  I complained of the physical push. 

I ignored a bunch of other stuff flung at me as I walked from room to room looking for the carpet shampooer.  She finally gets up and goes to a bathroom and finds it under a sink.  No idea if she put it there.  She delivered a lecture about what I was thinking and my motivation that I walked away from.

Unfortunately, I picked up some bait, stated that only God knows our hearts, that I wasn't thinking or feeling any of the things she alleged and that I wished she would stop the mind reading behavior.


No, I wasn't triggered or yelling.  But I'm wondering now if ignoring it completely would have been better.

Sigh,

She cranked the TV up loud, I complained of noise and to her credit she turned it completely off, did some muttering for a while and if I interpret the noise right is having a cleaning fit in the kitchen as I type in my bed.


FF

[Sunfl0wer]

This sounds like challenging circumstance even for the strongest of people!

It sounds like she is escalating not as an episode, but as her daily demeanor, is this accurate?

What do you make of her behavior?

How do you see this resolving/evolving in the next week?

My wild guess:

She feels like she 'took a loss' in therapy, 'lost score points?'

Does it seem like her general mood is directly related to her sense of either being in favor or not in favor of MC?

She cranked the TV up loud, I complained of noise and to her credit she turned it completely off, did some muttering for a while and if I interpret the noise right is having a cleaning fit in the kitchen as I type in my bed.

Maybe turned it off to 'not lose points?'

[Verbena]

I've thought all along that her goal in counseling was to add to her list of people that she must educate about your sins.  She's not looking so good to either counselor right now and she knows it. 

I would not be surprised if she paints this current counselor black and stops going to him. 

[formflier]

That very well may be the case.

The issues are out in the open, I won't participate in "hiding" them again.

If she chooses to run away I will respect her choice and somehow alter our current r/s to reflect that she is deciding to get back on, or stay on, the crazy train.


I simply don't have the physical or mental capacity to keep up this level of dysfunction.

FF

[Cole]

FF,

This is not going to get better until Mrs. FF figures out why she is chronically mad at you and learns how to let it go. The bur under her saddle is very large, even though it probably has no grounding in reality or anything you did. It is likely she does not even know it is there.

Your relationship looks like ours did over the last few years. With plenty of professional help, Mrs. Cole confronted her anger, acknowledged it was irrational, and let it go. Things are much better now.    

I suggested it before, and would suggest again, that sometimes you need a flathead and a phillips to get the job done.   We got help from our Church and from a secular PhD psychologist, each of whom worked wonders in their own ways.  

[formflier]

Interesting, I see a PhD weekly, just got done with visit

More later.

Was there a turning point or a gradual change.

FF

[Cole]

Interesting... .I see a PhD weekly... .just got done with visit

More later.

Was there a turning point or a gradual change.

FF

Turning point. When she moved out last fall, it struck her that her psychologist was right about her anger ruining her life. She had an epiphany about WHY she was mad (thought marrying me would fix her self esteem issues and was angry at me because it didn't) and came to the realization that I was not at fault.  

I should point out it took the extreme measure of losing everything to make her confront this issue. She had to be on the brink of losing her family, home, and lifestyle for the executive functions to take over the irrational emotion.

[formflier]

It appears likely that a step like that will be needed to move things, to possibly move things to a better place.

We had our nightly "meeting" tonight and she talked over me and changed the format.  I stayed calm and asked if she wanted a change and then she started blathering about "what happened last night".

I said I wasn't comfortable continuing the meeting and she stormed off, flung some words.  I state that I needed to sleep tonight and she said that "I didn't say one word" to you last night.

Our volume and tone stayed eerily low (for us).  When I mentioned sleep issues she laughed, and giggled like a teenage that had been told something funny.

She claimed that my sleep issues are a way to control those around me and laughed some more , then said something weird about "maybe my parents believe me", but nobody else.

It's all recorded, stacking that up against the "confession" that seemed genuine "before God", well, she is either not genuine and truthful about the confession, or not genuine and truthful about the giggling and what got done here tonight.  There's no nuance there.

Hopefully I get some sleep,

FF