Ruminating about the lies

[APB0613]

I am incredibly hurt and angry because of the lies and false memories. My uBPDxbf left me for an older woman (our next door neighbor) before leaving we had one last conversion in which he said i abandoned him. I hadn't. All i had left to give was my love and support. I couldn't continue  contributing financially to his problems which i guess is what he really needed money to get out of legal trouble. I had taken out loans to help in the past that he never helped pay off and now my wages are being garnished and I'm struggling to make ends meet. In his world I'm refusing to help i want to see him fail. This is going back to feelings=fact. There was no reasoning with him. He didn't even offer to be there for me in my time of need bc it was never about us and our 5 year relationship or our home it was all about him and his needs.  I'm struggling letting go it's been maybe a month NC and all i want to do is reach out to him or his family to tell the truth but i know i shouldnt. Any insight as to how to let this go? I know he's spreading lies about me and why he left. It just isn't fair that he gets a clean slate with another woman while I'm an empty shell of the person i used to be suffering.

[once removed]

hi apb0613 

please dont kick yourself, its been only a month after a five year relationship, and one confusing ending  . from my perspective youre making great strides in processing, and radical acceptance.

youre hurt and angry, and struggling, and its understandable to be frustrated (or furious) about your situation and feel that its unfair. that is what venting, and leaning on your support group are for, and thats what youre doing. im really sorry to hear about the financial situation, and i can certainly see why youd feel a lot of resentment toward him, it sounds like you gave a lot.

as to how to let it go, it takes not only time, but processing, it wont happen over night, and where you are in that process is natural. allow yourself time to grieve, again, this was a five year relationship.

[APB0613]

you're right once removed. i have my days its as if i'm "detoxing" from the emotional roller coaster and I KNOW my replacement will get the same treatment. I KNOW i'll get back on my feet with time. i am making strides, i go to therapy and i lean on my family when i'm feeling sad or angry. i truly loved him unconditionally and he shat on me. nothing i can do about that but try and let go and heal. i won't lie it is hard. i still think what if i did this or that but i did everything i could! being discarded so easily for someone else just shows how little he felt for me. i'm angry at myself for giving so much for so long for nothing in return just a few good moments here and there but nothing consistent. i think towards the end he knew his time was running out bc he just couldn't uphold his end and treat me right (i didin't care about the money, being treated the way i deserved to be treated mattered more and that doesn't cost a thing!) so he had to find someone new to get that clean slate he so desperately needed. i sometimes feel like i got the short end of the stick but the reality is i didin't. i'm trying to be patient with myself. i don't troll social media looking at his profiles, its been NC, i moved, i changed my number. i get to do the things i want to do without feeling guilty. i have peace, i don't have to worry about someone raging at me for something that isn't my fault. i don't have to worry about being put down whenever he feels he needs a boost. i can give myself ALL the attention i had to give to him. these are facts.

[Itstopsnow]

Your story and mine are so much alike! I had a BPD male! They are the worse! (Not saying the females BPD are less worse) but it was just the same chaotic behaviors! Loving you to death! Then raging or putting you down or blaming you for things that aren't even close to being your fault! Mine actually told me we didn't work out at the end because I wasnt trying enough!When he was living a double life sleeping at his 2nd girlfriend's house twice a week last summer!  It's sick to see how distorted they are snd gross they live in the shadows of society!

Try to remember he is and was sick! This behavior will never change and deep down inside they do know on a certain level they are broken! They keep running to a new situation so they don't have to face it! And remember it was never about you! It was always about him! His needs and desires . He lives a life that is chaos and drama! They live on "their" survival instincts . Broke and wrong as they are . You are the lucky one! It doesn't feel that way now but in time you'll see! The guy you are missing was an illusion! Yeah you had moments of fun and good times! I'm sure he wasn't all bad. But what he proclaimed to be ... .He never truly was! He probably wishes he could be that guy. It's really sad when you think about it! But don't be sad for him! He knew right from

Wrong! He didn't mind making you feel the pain as long as he could avoid feeling it. They are sick and broken and maybe in time you can have compassion and pray for him. Maybe not' but none of that matters! You are what matters! If you were like me , my needs never got met by him. I got used to taking care of him and his needs alone. It feels good to be good to myself now! I'm

Lonely a little but not for bad company!

[APB0613]

thanks itstopsnow.

yeah my needs weren't met or if they were only momentarily bc he was never consistent. he would always say it was too hard or i was too demanding (ta-wha? demanding? he had some nerve! all i asked was to be treated the way he would want to be treated... .don't think that's hard or demanding) or if i try to please you i'll be miserable. so eventually i got to a point where my needs were non existent. just him him him and i was MISERABLE! i'm glad he's the other woman's problem now. i tried to warn her and of course that backfired she started bashing me like he did. someone commented on one of my posts that it was probably him texting me back not her bc they were saying the same things he would say when he would put me down and i think that was true. i just don't understand how they live double lives isn't that exhausting. my guess is she started demanding more of his time and stop the back and forth and poof! he was gone. i had no idea he was even with another woman (the neighbor) until the day he left and even still he was lying about their involvement. i'm working on focusing on myself and most days i'm ok... .lonely but ok. i think of him and her maybe every 2-3 days and just for a few hours not the whole day, so there's improvement there. its still a fresh wound i suppose since its only been a little over a month. i know i'd never go back to him and i'm realizing now that the person i fell in love with wasn't real. when i get angry i think he can't get away with this! i was so good to him only for him to stab me in the heart, replace me, and discard me like i'm trash! I'M NOT TRASH! i don't do anything bc i know karma will get him! the universe will take care of that for me. maybe one day like you said i'll have compassion and be able to pray for him and forgive him but i'm not to that point yet. i still find myself saying i hope he suffers so yeah not there just yet . he didn't love me as much as he said he did otherwise he would have fought for us, stepped up and helped financially, he would have treated me the way i deserved to be treated, his actions would have matched his words, and he definitely wouldn't have cheated/left me for a woman the same age as his mom who lived next door! geez... .

[sunnyspring]

Just stick to that phrase 'I'M NOT TRASH'. You are right.

I felt like he was emptying his dustbin when he, out of the blue, after an extreme romance phase, said 'I need to be on my own'. I felt as if he was taking me off, as a piece of garment, from his skin. I felt like the teddy bear that a toddler does not need any more and throws away, forgets about. Good Lord. The same guy that nine months ago wanted me to move in together with him in the same town and fantasized strolling across the seaside in between sessions with patients... .

Thank God for showing mercy on you and he run away, you are not what he deserves... .

[APB0613]

Just stick to that phrase 'I'M NOT TRASH'. You are right.

I felt like he was emptying his dustbin when he, out of the blue, after an extreme romance phase, said 'I need to be on my own'. I felt as if he was taking me off, as a piece of garment, from his skin. I felt like the teddy bear that a toddler does not need any more and throws away, forgets about. Good Lord. The same guy that nine months ago wanted me to move in together with him in the same town and fantasized strolling across the seaside in between sessions with patients... .

Thank God for showing mercy on you and he run away, you are not what he deserves... .

[/quote

Thanks for that. I can understand he just didn't know who he is. He was say every now and then "i hate myself or what's wrong with me why am i so stupid? !" And i would feel bad and hold him and say everything will be OK. Truth is I'm everything he wished he could be and that makes me feel better and I'm not trash . They are for what they did to us!

[LingeringNoMore]

its been NC, i moved, i changed my number. i get to do the things i want to do without feeling guilty. i have peace, i don't have to worry about someone raging at me for something that isn't my fault. i don't have to worry about being put down whenever he feels he needs a boost. i can give myself ALL the attention i had to give to him. these are facts.

I can really empathize with your pain.  It is crazy-making to imagine the lies and distortions that are being spun but the reality is the new folks are going to see it soon enough.  God bless them.  Blehk. 

The quote above says volumes about how strong you are.  I am in a similar place.  I left about 7 weeks ago and LOVE my freedom and the joy I feel in my life.  There is grieving to do.  I grieve the woman who was so gullible and who compromised so much but grief will pass.  Therapists and girlfriends help. 

Here is something that helped me detach:  "I fully and freely forgive you, I loose you and let you go.  As far as I am concerned what happened between us is finished forever and now I am free and you are free and all is again right between us."  I say it even when I don't believe it.  I know eventually it will be true.

My best to you and I acknowledge your strength,

LNM

[LingeringNoMore]

Just stick to that phrase 'I'M NOT TRASH'. You are right.

I felt like he was emptying his dustbin when he, out of the blue, after an extreme romance phase, said 'I need to be on my own'. I felt as if he was taking me off, as a piece of garment, from his skin. I felt like the teddy bear that a toddler does not need any more and throws away, forgets about. Good Lord. The same guy that nine months ago wanted me to move in together with him in the same town and fantasized strolling across the seaside in between sessions with patients... .

Thank God for showing mercy on you and he run away, you are not what he deserves... .

SunnySpring - You are strong too!  What great role models here!