My goodbye letter

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey gang.

I'm writing this here, rather than sending it to her. I never, ever want to speak to her again. I just need the words out. She's consistently beaten me down, manipulated me back in to her life, only to leave me reeling. Last time I told her goodbye for the last time, and I meant it.

___

We met two years ago, and I fell in love almost immediately. You were intoxicating. I had to be around you. My feelings for you were relentless. You told me I was the man you were going to marry, and that was exactly what I wanted to hear, and you knew it. I was a good guy, and you dug your claws in. I was lost in your world, red flags that would have ordinarily made me run a mile I ignored. I was utterly besotted with you, and gave up everything for you.

I moved away from my job, family and friends, and quickly the honeymoon period ended. You disclosed your abuse to me, and I did everything to help you recover from your eating disorder. I would rush home from my new job because you threatened to kill yourself, simply because I worked in an office with girls. You hated my friends, so I burnt those bridges. You hated my family, so I reduced contact. I did everything I could to avoid things that would upset you, but by doing so you thought I was hiding things from you. I didn't go out with friends. I couldn't afford to take you away, because I was getting in to debt putting you through University, whilst my career as an illustrator and author was put on hold.

Nothing I could do was enough. You would humiliate me, and feel utterly worthless. But all I wanted was the kind, loving, affectionate girl who would appear and me just wonderful, only for her to be consumed by this rage-fuelled, irrational, monster. You took me away for my 30th birthday, and my only memory from it is you screaming at me, wishing that if I ever had a daughter that she would be raped. That night I cut myself as you slept. Happy birthday.

You chipped away at me. I went from a really fun, happy, relaxed guy, to a reserved, shy, depressed one. When you left a few months ago, you kept coming back, just to make sure I was still miserable about you. When I finally felt good, confident, happy and began laughing again you didn't like it. My attention was no longer on you, so you told me about your new boyfriend, who you were in love with apparently. Three weeks after telling me you still loved me. I didn't care, honestly. I was ambivalent about it.

You came back round for another swing at me. How dare I move on? How dare I leave the flat we shared, and escape the memories I had with you? How dare I try and put myself first? I needed you to come and take your things from the flat, but you didn't go. You hugged me, for a long time. I missed you, I've been incredibly lonely, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it. You told me you missed me. You spoke in your cute voice to me. I was powerless to stop, and just like that, you'd manipulated me back in to your world again. You are poison ivy. You were happy that we were seemingly friends again. I was devastated, and angry at myself for letting you back in.

I made arrangements for our cats to go in to a loving foster home, before you can take them in a couple of months. Even after everything, I'm considering your feelings. Last night, putting them in to their carry cases for the last time, broke me. I have never felt despair like it. My kittens, my boys, who have kept me company for the last two months were going. I wept, and wept, and wept. You just stood there and told me that this was all my fault. There I was again. A broken, hopeless, shell of a man, less than a week after feeling great for the first time. So when I told you I can't see you again, I meant it. I don't want to see you in two weeks. I don't want to see you in three months. If I do, I'll just walk on by.

The cycle will begin again. It will repeat itself. So this is goodbye. I genuinely hope your relapse back in to your bulimia isn't a sign of things to come for you, and you get the help you need. It will take me a long time to detach from my feelings for you, but I need you to become a memory, a hard lesson learned. I will wear the scar on my arm as a reminder that I survived two of the most difficult years of my life, and I will continue with counselling to fix the emotional ones.

I hope you get better. Your years of abuse and disorders mask a beautiful soul. Work hard to let it out.

Goodbye.

[duncsvoice]

Hey gang.

I'm writing this here, rather than sending it to her. I never, ever want to speak to her again. I just need the words out. She's consistently beaten me down, manipulated me back in to her life, only to leave me reeling. Last time I told her goodbye for the last time, and I meant it.

___

We met two years ago, and I fell in love almost immediately. You were intoxicating. I had to be around you. My feelings for you were relentless. You told me I was the man you were going to marry, and that was exactly what I wanted to hear, and you knew it. I was a good guy, and you dug your claws in. I was lost in your world, red flags that would have ordinarily made me run a mile I ignored. I was utterly besotted with you, and gave up everything for you.

I moved away from my job, family and friends, and quickly the honeymoon period ended. You disclosed your abuse to me, and I did everything to help you recover from your eating disorder. I would rush home from my new job because you threatened to kill yourself, simply because I worked in an office with girls. You hated my friends, so I burnt those bridges. You hated my family, so I reduced contact. I did everything I could to avoid things that would upset you, but by doing so you thought I was hiding things from you. I didn't go out with friends. I couldn't afford to take you away, because I was getting in to debt putting you through University, whilst my career as an illustrator and author was put on hold.

Nothing I could do was enough. You would humiliate me, and feel utterly worthless. But all I wanted was the kind, loving, affectionate girl who would appear and me just wonderful, only for her to be consumed by this rage-fuelled, irrational, monster. You took me away for my 30th birthday, and my only memory from it is you screaming at me, wishing that if I ever had a daughter that she would be raped. That night I cut myself as you slept. Happy birthday.

You chipped away at me. I went from a really fun, happy, relaxed guy, to a reserved, shy, depressed one. When you left a few months ago, you kept coming back, just to make sure I was still miserable about you. When I finally felt good, confident, happy and began laughing again you didn't like it. My attention was no longer on you, so you told me about your new boyfriend, who you were in love with apparently. Three weeks after telling me you still loved me. I didn't care, honestly. I was ambivalent about it.

You came back round for another swing at me. How dare I move on? How dare I leave the flat we shared, and escape the memories I had with you? How dare I try and put myself first? I needed you to come and take your things from the flat, but you didn't go. You hugged me, for a long time. I missed you, I've been incredibly lonely, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it. You told me you missed me. You spoke in your cute voice to me. I was powerless to stop, and just like that, you'd manipulated me back in to your world again. You are poison ivy. You were happy that we were seemingly friends again. I was devastated, and angry at myself for letting you back in.

I made arrangements for our cats to go in to a loving foster home, before you can take them in a couple of months. Even after everything, I'm considering your feelings. Last night, putting them in to their carry cases for the last time, broke me. I have never felt despair like it. My kittens, my boys, who have kept me company for the last two months were going. I wept, and wept, and wept. You just stood there and told me that this was all my fault. There I was again. A broken, hopeless, shell of a man, less than a week after feeling great for the first time. So when I told you I can't see you again, I meant it. I don't want to see you in two weeks. I don't want to see you in three months. If I do, I'll just walk on by.

The cycle will begin again. It will repeat itself. So this is goodbye. I genuinely hope your relapse back in to your bulimia isn't a sign of things to come for you, and you get the help you need. It will take me a long time to detach from my feelings for you, but I need you to become a memory, a hard lesson learned. I will wear the scar on my arm as a reminder that I survived two of the most difficult years of my life, and I will continue with counselling to fix the emotional ones.

I hope you get better. Your years of abuse and disorders mask a beautiful soul. Work hard to let it out.

Goodbye.

[Ithoughtitwasrea]

Wow!

A letter from someone I have never met before has left me sat here in tears.

What a beautiful but incredibly painful letter to read, and I'm sure it was even more difficult to write. Thankyou for sharing that. It resonated so strongly inside me and I'm sure, just like me, there is a part of you that wishes she could read that and get the help that she needs. That you could be with that soul that you loved so much! I know I do. Every single day.

I guess the hardest part is knowing that your letter would never be received like it would be by you or I, or anyone else who has that level of empathy and compassion to see how you really feel, and what she has done to you.

I'll be here if you want to talk more and I'm sure I speak o  behalf of everyone here in saying a massive hug and an even bigger well done for being so incredibly strong throughout all this. I know what you're going through. I feel every bit of it.

Stay strong my friend. You are a brave and incredibly caring man.

[duncsvoice]

Wow!

A letter from someone I have never met before has left me sat here in tears.

What a beautiful but incredibly painful letter to read, and I'm sure it was even more difficult to write. Thankyou for sharing that. It resonated so strongly inside me and I'm sure, just like me, there is a part of you that wishes she could read that and get the help that she needs. That you could be with that soul that you loved so much! I know I do. Every single day.

I guess the hardest part is knowing that your letter would never be received like it would be by you or I, or anyone else who has that level of empathy and compassion to see how you really feel, and what she has done to you.

I'll be here if you want to talk more and I'm sure I speak o  behalf of everyone here in saying a massive hug and an even bigger well done for being so incredibly strong throughout all this. I know what you're going through. I feel every bit of it.

Stay strong my friend. You are a brave and incredibly caring man.

Thank you, I really appreciate it, and sorry to make you cry!

My break up has been going on since the end of January, so all things considered not a long time at all, but the emotional turmoil I've been through has made me unwell - and all roads point back to her. There is no point me sending the letter, she won't see it as anything other than an attack and I'm tired of fighting.

But, I'm still here, life goes on. I move in to my new place tomorrow and meet my new housemates. There's a girl I've been getting on really well with, she understands what happened with my ex (which is frankly amazing speaking to someone about an ex and not have them go in to a jealous rage). So, she gets I'll need to go slowly, but she's quite lovely. Every cloud.

This forum has been an absolute wonder for me, I haven't posted a lot, but I read every post and it is calming to know that there are so many other people going through this particular type of break up, which is so difficult to explain to those not in the know. I hope, with time, I'll be in a position to give advice to those going through what you and I are.

I'll get through it. I'm almost grateful for the opportunity to have to work through it. Everything I go through, and experience is all a learning opportunity.

[Inharmsway]

duncsvoice,

What a deeply moving letter. It also reduced me to tears, brought back memories of where I was 22 months ago.

Reminds of me of the letter(s) I wrote and never sent, how I constantly re-wrote the letter every time he came to mind until I finally let go.

Wow!