Bpds25 opening up

[Lollypop]

Hi

I'm nervous posting this. It opens up to you all just how much I'm currently enabling. But I'm here to learn and for that I have to be completely truthful.

I just wanted to share a conversation I had in the car this evening with my BPDs25. This is the first time he's raised drugs as a topic, it's always been me to raise it.

Just a reminder: Bpds returned home mid-Dec following crisis and depression, now stable. First priority was for him to feel safe and stress free. I'm working on validation and providing supportive and loving environment while I encourage treatment. Bpds says treatment is not his priority. I'm focussing on money management skills to get him to live independently. We accept he uses MJ to self-medicate, no drugs in the house and he knows we disagree.

I hope that this helps any of you out there with an adult child with BPD who uses MJ to self medicate.  I'm sorry it's long. My Bpds had been out of the house 11 hrs working with the last three hours spent as a passenger in his bosses truck in really bad traffic. He was very agitated when he got in my car. We exchanged pleasantries and got on with the journey.

me: "hey, have you ever been in those flats over there, I've always wondered what they're like inside"

Bpds: "yeah loads, that's where I used to buy my ketamine. It's a drug tower really despite being used by professional business people"

Me: "oh, are they nice?"

Bpds: "yeah"

Me: "you do any of that these days?" [**]

Bpds: "nah, haven't in a very long time. I bought bulk once and spent four days completely off my head and strangely ever since I've not wanted to touch it again"

Me: "so do you do any other stuff like that these days?" [**]

Bpds: "no, I've been offered Coke since I returned home but I said no, why would I want to feel terrible for a couple of days afterwards"

Me: "so I don't need to worry about that any more?" [**]

Bpds: "no mum, I'm just not interested. I don't even drink any more"

Me: "really? How'd you cope then at the pub crawl last weekend on the birthday celebration?"

Bpds: "I just smoked spliffs"

Me: "oh"

... .

Me: "you planning on going away with gf this year on holiday?"

Bpds: big sigh "well no, she's going to Uni isn't she. I can't wait until I'm in a fxxxing relationship with somebody who isn't going to fxxxing Uni. Why don't I ever learn? I can't believe I've got to go through this again."

Me: "well, I've have noticed a bit of a pattern with you"

Bpds: "I know, this will be the third time."

Me: "are you feeling anxious about it?"

Bpds: "yeah of course I am"

Me: "she seems like a really nice girl and things look like they're going really well." [**]

Bpds: "yeah they are"

... .

Bpds:'I can't believe it's nearly 6 o'clock"

Me: I laugh "I know, it's been a long day for you"

Bpds: "I've got to get in and get changed, I'm soaked to the skin and hungry so I've got to get something to eat. And then I've got to go and buy some fxxxing weed. This is just madness. I fxxxing hate it."

Pause.

I put my hand on his.

Pause.

Me: "it must feel awful"

Bpds "nah, it's a double edged sword"

Me: "im just saying I can see it must feel awful. you said yourself its madness. "

Bpds: "yeah"

Pause

Me: "there's another way son"

Pause

Bpds: "what other way?"

Me: "I can't tell you that son but There IS another way. It's something you can sort out for yourself".

I've put [**] against those places I could have done a lot lot better.

However, I'm feeling quite pleased I got it nearly right at the most important part (as far as I'm concerned) regarding drug use. I could have suggested treatment but chose not to.  I could have suggested meditation or mindfulness but chose not to. I could have talked about how MJ just isn't doing him any good but I chose not to.

I'm extremely pleased he started to share his feelings, particularly when agitated. This is normally a time when I've learnt to leave him well alone.

This conversation has made me understand just how much he needs MJ at the end of each day. I can see how he would have spent much of the time in the truck clock watching, mentally stressed to get home, stressed thinking about getting all his stuff done before being able to smoke to take his mind down.

It also alerts me to his anxiety about potential abandonment at the end of the summer.

He can't cope without MJ.

With MJ he's stable and i wonder if he will seek treatment in this state.


I may be deluded but I see this conversation as a positive one. Am I living in cloud cuckoo land?

I have a short opportunity to do a "do over" to reinforce or correct something I've done terribly wrong.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Lollypop

I think you did very well as did your son.  It is real, honest, sincere, open communication without judgment and you are allowing him to be the adult that he is.

Many many people use MJ for anxiety.  If it works, it works.  If it is illegal that is a problem.  Has son ever discussed going to a pdoc for anxiety meds?

In this situation a "do over" may really just be a continuation of open communication.  Relationship building is happening and that is the single most important thing we can do to help our kids/adult kids.

[Rockieplace]

I'm  impressed. I fall into the "it's going really well" trap too and totally understand the temptation to emphasise the positive. As LBJ says Addiction to MJ is more difficult for your s as it is illegal. If it was nicotine instead it would be a whole different story.  You must have got lots of reassurance from this conversation, not only on the basis of discovering that your son's drug use is confined to weed but on how you were able to handle it!    

[Lollypop]

Thank you both

I very much appreciate the reassurance.  My H has been sarcastic this week on more than one occasion and took my by surprise and I didn't validate or challenge (I'd prefer to knock his head off sometimes) but I really do see he's struggling. I have asked him outright "are you really ok with this current situation, shall we ask him to go?". Just to make sure I know how bad he actually is. He's just said "we've got no other choice". He never admits things are improving unless I drag it out of him. Friends, of course, ask "how's Bpds, how's it going" and I say so much better thanks. H just repeats every small niggle and moan about both of my sons - the rather embarrassing squeaking bed is the current one.  H is work in progress.

On a plus side, H took up a past sporting activity last night. This is new behaviour. Perhaps he's better understanding "modelling" behaviour or just recognising he needs to do things for himself.

Improved communication: H 0/10, Bpds 8/10, son15 8/10. Not bad!

I'm going away on Saturday for 7 days. Slightly nervous about the three of them together. But onwards I go and I'm going to have a great time working on my college art project. I'm excited and have treated myself to a grown up camera.

Thanks again. I'm feeling a lot lot better this morning.

Lbj: I wait patiently for Bpds to seek treatment and the mental health assessment would include meds. He has a history of addictions and any pill taking has a risk, regardless if it's an addictive or not. He gobbles.

My Bpds doesn't cope well at all when things don't go to expected plan. Like being late yesterday, or maybe there'd be a reasonable detour for another matter further delaying. This obviously happens a lot in life. He gets really anxious and agitated in these situations. I've always tried to make him feel better by saying something like, "these things happen and we have to stay flexible".  would validating be more appropriate?