Unconditional Love

[ArleighBurke]

My uBPD wife said this morning: After we have a disagreement (like last nght) I don't know how to behave in the morning. I don't know if you're spaced out, angry, hurting. So I don't feel safe to talk or reconnect. You havn't tried to connect with me today or start any conversations with me. *I* can't reach out to you, because that would feel weak, like I was coming crawling back. *You* need to re-assure me - so I know it's all OK!

I get that she's asking me to give her unconditional love! She wants to know that no matter what happens between us, no matter how much she argues with me and pushes me away, that i will still be there loving her. And I get that unconditional love is a parent-child kind of love that she wants. But spousal love is not unconditional! I WANT to tell her that's not how it works, but i can't imagine any good will come of it.

I think I've come past the acceptance phase - She is the way she is and always will be. But the next phase is "How do I live with her?". I *could* "just" reassure her all the time, or apologise to make her feel better, but these feel like lies - and I worry about what they'll do to my mental health in the long term.

Somehow I need to treat her like someone with a mental illness whilst still maintaining my own self (in mind and body). I'm not sure how to do that yet. It just feels like an impossible problem - I need to hold her accountable for her actions (like being annoyed with everything I do and pushing me away), but need to accept that it's not her choice, and perhaps even be the bigger adult and do the repair. The same impossible problem is listening to her say every problem she has is my fault and *I* need to change - so I need to validate her, love her, and then disagree and not change!

I can't get my head around how life is supposed to work like this!

Perhaps it's because I havn't truelly decided to stay or go. Perhaps I need to make the decision to stay, and define exactly what I'm willing to accept as the miniumum in the relationship. Then it doesn't really matter what she does, I can "unconditionally love" her - sort of. I can say

"so long as she's not violent or adultrying, then all I need to do is listen/validate and keep my boundaries. I can pump love into her all the time so she feels 'safe', which should decrease her outbursts, and I just weather the cr@p as it comes. Stop trying to treat her "fair", or trying to make her play fair, accept she is broken, and love her as best I can. "

Which will feel like a parental caring love moreso than an equal romantic love. Is that enough for me? Is that fair for me? Is that true acceptance?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

I hear you about the parental role. When I realized I was a "father" I was horrified... .at myself. Still, with a baby and a little boy, I stayed, until she left.

She's offered her definition of unconditional love. What's yours? Can you compose it, apart from thinking about what you feel at this point you need to do to stay? Can you tie it to your core values?

[Mustbeabetterway]

hi Williamskevin

I understand your struggle.  Accepting that our partners probably will not make the changes that we have hoped is a big hurdle. 

One day I am congratulating myself for validating and feeling better, and the next day I am kicking myself because I am married to someone who  viciously lashes out at me.  I am trying to accept that it is not all or nothing.  When things are going well, I tend to relax and go into - we've turned a corner mode.  When things are bad, I tend to think that I should run away as fast as I can.  I am trying to regulate my feelings so as not to be pulled back and forth, to temporarily exit when name calling begins, to make plans and follow through with my own plans even when things are good with my marriage.  A lot of unproductive responses had become a habit for me.  Changing my responses has really given me more peace - more freedoms to be myself.

You may have read it, but Stop Carefaking the Borderline or Narcissist in Your Life... .How to End the Drama and Get on With Your Life... by Margalis Fjelstad  has been invaluable to me.

Among a thousand other good tips, the author suggests If you don't like arguments, stop arguing, etc.    like you, I want to hold my husband accountable.  For years, I would brood and demand an apology that was never satisfactory.  I have just about given up on that.  I say just about because old mindsets die hard :  ).   Actually, just not arguing and going on with

Life has brought me better results and by that I mean more happiness for myself.


Getting to know myself better has been one benefit of finding this forum. i hope you find the answers you are looking for.

[Notwendy]

I think it helps to define unconditional love. What your wife wants may not be parental love, at least not the kind of love that is good for a child.

"Love" that says " you can do anything you want, have anything you want, and I will ignore any bad behavior" isn't healthy unconditional love. It's enabling.

Imagine a child wants cookies for dinner. "If you loved me, you would give me cookies". A parent may love their child, but they also know it isn't in the child's best interest to eat cookies for dinner. That parent will say no. The child is likely to have a tantrum, say " I hate you" to the parent, scream I want cookies now if you loved me you would give me cookies".

Is that the love that your spouse wants from you?

One can love another human unconditionally- but that does not mean always being/doing what that person wants. Love means acting in that person's best interest- which sometimes means not doing what they want, not rescuing, not caretaking, having boundaries. It means having the courage to act on this, to say no- even if that person pitches a fit.

You can love her - as a parent loves their child, and as a person loves their spouse- by acting with love in her best interest. But she may not always like it.

[Dizzy Princess]

Williamskevin I feel like your uBPD wife but wishing I could say to my uBPD husband what she said to you.



"After we have a disagreement (like last night) I don't know how to behave in the morning. I don't know if you're spaced out, angry, hurting. So I don't feel safe to talk or reconnect. You haven't tried to connect with me today or start any conversations with me."

Last night after having had a couple of calm weeks, a nice weekend (we went to a wedding), had a nice dinner, watched TV together and had conversation, I was thinking everything was ok.  Wrong. My h was sitting on the bed in the dark not laying down. I rubbed his back and suddenly he grabbed 2 pillows and threw them violently across the room, knocking over a lamp and said, "why do you always give me the sh***y pillows... .you always get the good pillows." I said, "sorry you feel that way, the 4 pillows we have are the same." I got up picked up the pillows and put them back on the bed and laid down again. H went to the living room and slept on the recliner. I said a few prayers in my head and went to sleep.

He left for work before I woke up. Now what? My usual reaction would have been to obsess about it all day... .And wonder if I should wait for him to say hello when he gets home from work, etc.

Today, because I literally found out about BPD a few weeks ago, I am reading a lot on this website and still taking it one day at a time. Trying to take care of myself until I am stronger and trying the techniques and strategies in the lessons given here.

I will say hello and kiss my H as soon as I see him because that will make me happy, and I hope he will respond. That's all I can do now.  :)oes that make me weak? NO.

I hear your frustration most of the time I feel like you: that I am the parent, the bigger person, the caretaker, the unconditional lover... .it is very tiring! It is overwhelming! It is unfair! You are a strong person, having, like the rest of us, put up with all sorts of nonsense and never being an equal recipient to all the care and love you give and deserve.

I hope can heal and move forward.