Have to keep saying I need my space.

[FigureIt]

I told my uBPDbf that I want out and don't want to continue our relationship. I can't move out cuz I own the house too. I thought he understood. This weekend he wanted me to have sex with him, which I didn't. Today he gets 3 tickets to a musical for me, my daughter and I.  I'm trying to live here without it blowing up into a rage fest, but he doesn't seem to be getting it.  Then tonight he goes up to bed and gives me a kiss. I asked him what he was doing and he was put off by th question.

[C.Stein]

This is a tough place to be in.  Do you still share a room and bed with him?

[FigureIt]

We still share a room and a king size bed because he won't move out of the room.  All the furniture & bed in the master bedroom is mine (came with me from my previous marriage/house) and my dogs sleep with me.  I also have arthritis so sleeping on a couch is not ideal. 

But now today he sends me a text saying that my D10 and I might have a better time if we took my mom on the other ticket.

How do I respond to that?

[C.Stein]

We still share a room and a king size bed because he won't move out of the room.  All the furniture & bed in the master bedroom is mine (came with me from my previous marriage/house) and my dogs sleep with me.  I also have arthritis so sleeping on a couch is not ideal.

You might try to find some acceptable alternative to this arrangement.  At the very least If he can't respect your boundaries then he can't share the bed.

But now today he sends me a text saying that my D10 and I might have a better time if we took my mom on the other ticket.

Would you?

How do I respond to that?

That depends on how you think he will react if you take him up on his offer.  Do you think maybe he is trying to manipulate you by doing something nice for you so you will do something "nice" for him?

[FigureIt]

I would have a better time if we go with my mom.

Yes, he will probably expect something nice in return. 

Also his birthday is next weekend.  I have plans with my family because my sister will be in town.  Do I buy him a gift?

[C.Stein]

Do what you are comfortable doing without jeopardizing your boundaries and whatever you feel is needed to "keep the peace" ... .again without jeopardizing your boundaries. 

[once removed]

hi figureit  

the topic of your thread is "have to keep saying i need my space". you dont, of course, have to keep saying that. actions are usually better than words.

actions = sharing a bed and accepting his gift. this doesnt communicate space or a need for it. its a mixed message.

i understand of course that you are trying to limit raging and keep the dynamic relatively cool. i get it. its a tough line to walk.

hes struggling to accept your statement that you want out, and he is trying to maintain an air of normalcy - thats his problem, but sharing a bed and accepting his gift contribute to that. if you go to the event without him, you may hear about it later. you mention he will probably expect something nice in return. it sounds like you both feel you are obligated to him, upon receipt of the tickets.

its not an easy situation, i know. i assume you want things to go as smoothly for you, if not both of you, as possible.

Also his birthday is next weekend.  I have plans with my family because my sister will be in town.  :)o I buy him a gift?

this is a personal decision. how do you feel about it?

[FigureIt]

I am trying to keep the peace also for my D10 (not his daughter) who lives there too.  And my one dog has anxiety and walks out of the room every time my uBPDbf starts talking to me.

I don't mind spending the money to buy him a gift.  I do care about him.  I just don't/can't love him.  It took a toll on me.  I gained 20+lbs. over the 5 years we were together.  I don't feel happy and enjoy life when I'm with him.

[once removed]

i think if buying him a gift is being true to yourself, go for it 

[C.Stein]

And my one dog has anxiety and walks out of the room every time my uBPDbf starts talking to me.

No offense intended but that made me smile.   

[FigureIt]

No offense taken... .    I totally agree it is sort of funny.  My uBPDbf tried to say the dog was walking out of the room because of me.  I just said any other time I talk (like to my daughter) she doesn't leave... .

[Isa_lala]

What arrangement have you made? Is he supposed to move out? He owns the house too?

I understand that you don't want to get rage outburst but it is very difficult to live like that.

That's why I personally left our home with my 8 year old kid before breaking up with my ex BPD bf. I was scared of what reaction he may have

I understand that your bf is in denial... .

What did you tell him exactly ? (If it is not too indiscreet)

[FigureIt]

What arrangement have you made? Is he supposed to move out? He owns the house too?

I understand that you don't want to get rage outburst but it is very difficult to live like that.

That's why I personally left our home with my 8 year old kid before breaking up with my ex BPD bf. I was scared of what reaction he may have

I understand that your bf is in denial... .

What did you tell him exactly ? (If it is not too indiscreet)

We both have attorneys and I've officially asked for my down payment back.  He needs to either decide to keep the house or we sell it.  Yes, we are joint owners. 

My dad has said recently that he will co-sign another mortgage with me so that I can find a house and move.

I told him that I don't want any compromises (he was trying to make a deal for me to stay 6mo-1year).  I need space, distance, time and to be away from you.

[C.Stein]

My dad has said recently that he will co-sign another mortgage with me so that I can find a house and move.

Is this something you are willing to do ... .want to do? 

I told him that I don't want any compromises (he was trying to make a deal for me to stay 6mo-1year).  I need space, distance, time and to be away from you.

This a reasonable boundary.  How do you think you can enforce it?

[Isa_lala]

What arrangement have you made? Is he supposed to move out? He owns the house too?

I understand that you don't want to get rage outburst but it is very difficult to live like that.

That's why I personally left our home with my 8 year old kid before breaking up with my ex BPD bf. I was scared of what reaction he may have

I understand that your bf is in denial... .

What did you tell him exactly ? (If it is not too indiscreet)

We both have attorneys and I've officially asked for my down payment back.  He needs to either decide to keep the house or we sell it.  Yes, we are joint owners. 

My dad has said recently that he will co-sign another mortgage with me so that I can find a house and move.

I told him that I don't want any compromises (he was trying to make a deal for me to stay 6mo-1year).  I need space, distance, time and to be away from you.

Ok. Actions have started to be taken. Does your bf have a deadline to decide if he keeps the house or not? If he decides to sell it, are you able to leave the house and live somewhere else until it is done ?

I think that you are already strong because leaving a BPD partner is very difficult but when there is a joint owned property in the middle, that is harder.

You seem to deal with it very well even if it is difficult

Take good care of yourself

[FigureIt]

My dad has said recently that he will co-sign another mortgage with me so that I can find a house and move.

Is this something you are willing to do ... .want to do? 

I told him that I don't want any compromises (he was trying to make a deal for me to stay 6mo-1year).  I need space, distance, time and to be away from you.

This a reasonable boundary.  How do you think you can enforce it?

Having my dad co-sign is not something I really wanted to do, but if it allows me to move out sooner than it will have to be.

Not sure how to enforce the boundary living together.  It's hard.  For example, he won't leave the bedroom and he knows I don't want to snuggle up.  He'll do it anyways or sometimes ask and if I say "no" or "don't" he becomes all offended and upset.  I've already said "I want space" but he keeps making me say it over & over.

[FigureIt]

What arrangement have you made? Is he supposed to move out? He owns the house too?

I understand that you don't want to get rage outburst but it is very difficult to live like that.

That's why I personally left our home with my 8 year old kid before breaking up with my ex BPD bf. I was scared of what reaction he may have

I understand that your bf is in denial... .

What did you tell him exactly ? (If it is not too indiscreet)

We both have attorneys and I've officially asked for my down payment back.  He needs to either decide to keep the house or we sell it.  Yes, we are joint owners. 

My dad has said recently that he will co-sign another mortgage with me so that I can find a house and move.

I told him that I don't want any compromises (he was trying to make a deal for me to stay 6mo-1year).  I need space, distance, time and to be away from you.

Ok. Actions have started to be taken. Does your bf have a deadline to decide if he keeps the house or not? If he decides to sell it, are you able to leave the house and live somewhere else until it is done ?

I think that you are already strong because leaving a BPD partner is very difficult but when there is a joint owned property in the middle, that is harder.

You seem to deal with it very well even if it is difficult

Take good care of yourself

He has 20 days to decide which is this Friday. 

By having my dad co-sign a mortgage with me it will allow me to find a house and move, but that will take 60-90 days, but at least it will start the process.