Anyone have a male partner/ex that got therapy?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My ex, w/(I believe) undiagnosed BPD has offered to get therapy, and I've agreed to meet with him for coffee and hear him out, at least to say good bye in person, if he does start therapy. He recognized that he is impulsive and needs help dealing with stress / mood fluctuations.

I feel like this might change things.  I'm still processing. I have a new bf, but I'm not 100 percent sure about him yet, we haven't met each other's kids, and I feel like I need to step back and assess that situation anyway.

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who had BPD partners start or in therapy, and how it went, and did or didn't change things. Id be particularly interested if it were a male partner, who isn't the "type" that naturally seeks out help/counseling. My ex is 50, and has never seen any type of therapist.

Thanks!

[Ab123]

My ex, w/(I believe) undiagnosed BPD has offered to get therapy, and I've agreed to meet with him for coffee and hear him out, at least to say good bye in person, if he does start therapy. He recognized that he is impulsive and needs help dealing with stress / mood fluctuations.

I feel like this might change things.  I'm still processing. I have a new bf, but I'm not 100 percent sure about him yet, we haven't met each other's kids, and I feel like I need to step back and assess that situation anyway.

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who had BPD partners start or in therapy, and how it went, and did or didn't change things. Id be particularly interested if it were a male partner, who isn't the "type" that naturally seeks out help/counseling. My ex is 50, and has never seen any type of therapist.

Thanks!

[Ab123]

I should add: he has taken full responsibility for the two breakups we have had, apologized, and acknowledged that he needs to do something to earn my trust again. He sees the disconnect between what he wants, and the natural consequences of his behavior, and says he wants to be better.

[WoundedBibi]

Wow... .No, as far as I know my ex has not been in therapy. If he has in the past it has not done any significant good.

I do know from reading about BPD and the pwBPD boards it takes years of therapy and a lot of perseverance as pwBPD tend to resist change, change their minds if they need therapy, change their minds about the therapist (idealization, devaluation) and so on. So it is an absolutely wonderful insight and breakthrough on his part. But don't expect miracles just yet. And I wouldn't wait around for them to happen either. Live your life. Whether it includes your new bf or doesn't because it doesn't work out. Don't put your life on hold for your ex.

[HurtinNW]

I can tell you what happened with mine, but bear in mind everyone is different. If you reading the staying and undecided boards you will hear varying stories.

My ex was in off-and-on again therapy when we started dating over four years ago. I later met this therapist. He had seen her for almost 20 years (!) and my later opinion was she was very enmeshed, and frankly enabled him. He engaged in a lot of triangulation by proxy with her. I didn't know what it was at the time, just it bothered me. What he would do is report back to me how he had "shared" with her how difficult I was, and report to me how she had validated him and given him advice. Some of this advice included things like not calling me after he had stormed away, or how he had done the right thing to storm away, because this was him creating boundaries.

My opinion now is he manipulated that therapist. At the time I got really sucked into thinking I was difficult, and everything was my fault.

After our first or second break-up I suggested couples counseling. He was all for it. We found a therapist. That was couples counselor #1. I walked out of our sessions reeling. Each session felt like an autopsy. My ex would talk at length, very intellectual, and enlist the therapist, and the two of them would analyze me. I have a trauma history and everything became about my trauma history. After several very expensive sessions of this I stood up for myself and said it wasn't working. It was frankly traumatizing and crazy-making.

On to couples counselor #2. Believe it or not, ex suggested his long-term counselor, and I agreed. Worse, she agreed to see us together, which is completely unethical after seeing him for 20 years. Those sessions were awful. He got up in my face, screaming and raging. She told him he was hurting me, but said it in a placating way, and then turned and told me how it was "good for him to finally be expressing his feelings." I refused to go back.

On to couples counselor #3. This was a really good therapist. I liked her a lot, but that might have been because she started calling my ex out. She would ask him point blank, "Why are you treating her with scorn?" He would bluster and huff and puff. Or she would say, "You're laughing. Nothing is funny." She called him out on being abusive. He simply refused to hear it. To this day he remains convinced that counselor really liked him. He doesn't even remember any of those challenges. We stopped seeing her because of his increasing cycle of break ups. It's hard to maintain counseling when you are constantly breaking up with your partner. After awhile she ended therapy, saying it wasn't effective.

On to his counselor #4. I insisted my ex get individual therapy and he agreed. This was a man. It sounded to me like he really challenged my ex. I don't know what actually happened. My ex would report back to me again stuff the counselor supposedly said that sounded suspect, and then deny he ever said it. For instance, once he told me the counselor was worried I would want to interfere and end his therapy. This was baffling to me because I always encouraged the therapy. From the way he related this he made it clear he was portraying me as jealous and interfering and afraid of him learning to stand up to me (lots of projection), and he was enlisting the counselor to see me this way. However, a month after saying this he denied ever saying it and was adamant the counselor never said anything like it.

On to men's group which is #5. He had been attending a men's group for several months before the last and final break up. He would often report back to me how they sympathized with him over how difficult I am, and crazy, and would encourage him to break up with me and find someone nice. Lucky me he always stood up to them! 

And believe it or not, we tried one more couples counselor, #6. He practiced EFT. We only saw him a few times before the last break-up. It was clear to me that my ex was simply not going to use therapy for help. It was the same old song and dance. The therapist is his audience, another person to triangulate against his partner.

My ex also would take responsibility for break ups, and we cycled at least 20 times during this four year period, I am embarrassed to say. However, his responsibility was increasingly short-lived, and later on reflection I noticed it was always global ("I failed" "I'm a failure" "I let you down" and never specific. In fact he quickly went back to minimizing, deflecting and blaming me.

So that's was my disappointing experience with an ex who seemed gung-ho on therapy. I wished I had saved all that money, to be honest. Since ex is unemployed I paid for most of it.  :'(

[patientandclear]

My ex has seen many many therapists.

He would seek help because he had a sense something was wrong. Some therapists seem to have told him things that helped him rationalize that there was nothing wrong--he would take that away and use it to rationalize continuing as he had been. If these therapists really said what he says they said, they were not helpful.

Since us, he has at least off and on seen someone who I am certain identified him as having attachment issues and maybe BPD. He respects this woman but has had a very hard time integrating all that she has worked with him on, in relationships. He started seeing her and then approached me about getting back together. We were exploring that, and she (reportedly) told him if he did that, he would hurt me again. (This is why I think she had flagged BPD--she had flagged cyclical r/ship issues caused by his reactions.) I respected that he was entering this important process; he was experiencing funky feelings about us plus the T practically ordered him not to plunge back in with me. I told my ex we should step back so he could figure out this stuff and what he wanted. If he wanted me and thought this could go better, I'd try again. ... .A couple days later he started reconnecting with his ex. Looking back it may have been a placeholder. But I saw it as me being interchangeable and felt horrible rejection and asked for NC for a long time.

It's years later now. He's destroyed at least two more relationships plus (probably) ours. He is struggling with his issues but only in fits and starts. He still does not know what is wrong or how to fix it. He has gotten better at stating his own feelings and expecting the other person to hear them, rather than pretending he wants what the other person wants. But if the other person wants something different then he does, he reacts badly, and in ways that are destructive to the r/ship.

Point being: this is not quick fix stuff. Have you read the Buddha and the Borderline? That may give you a good sense of what someone wBPD is undertaking when they try to address their issues, and how that does not lead directly to being able to have a viable r/ship with the person sitting across the table from you a month later.

[Ab123]

Thanks to all of you for your input and stories.

My ex already started backtracking. He sent a text letting me know he started meds, but seriously backtracked re therapy. And then he let loose a sea of FOG to get me to meet him this weekend.  It almost worked. But, I realized he was seriously violating the boundaries I had just established. So, I actually told him I couldn't meet with him or even text him again because it will hurt my bf and I'm not ready to break up with him.

I told my ex that the text I was sending would be my last, and that I wouldn't respond to anything he said. I also gave a really nice I will always love you goodbye.

I mean it. I'm done. The manipulation was absurd, and it was clear that he only cared about himself. Yes, he wants me back and is willing to do whatever it takes to win me, but he doesn't seem to care that I'm actually ok at all.  It's consistent with BPD.

I will say it again: I didn't break him, I can't fix him.

I have to walk away.

[WoundedBibi]

Thanks to all of you for your input and stories.

My ex already started backtracking. He sent a text letting me know he started meds, but seriously backtracked re therapy. And then he let loose a sea of FOG to get me to meet him this weekend.  It almost worked. But, I realized he was seriously violating the boundaries I had just established. So, I actually told him I couldn't meet with him or even text him again because it will hurt my bf and I'm not ready to break up with him.

I told my ex that the text I was sending would be my last, and that I wouldn't respond to anything he said. I also gave a really nice I will always love you goodbye.

I mean it. I'm done. The manipulation was absurd, and it was clear that he only cared about himself. Yes, he wants me back and is willing to do whatever it takes to win me, but he doesn't seem to care that I'm actually ok at all.  It's consistent with BPD.

I will say it again: I didn't break him, I can't fix him.

I have to walk away.

Willing to say whatever it takes    If he was willing to do whatever it takes he would have been in therapy already... .

Good decision 

[Ab123]

Thanks to all of you for your input and stories.

My ex already started backtracking. He sent a text letting me know he started meds, but seriously backtracked re therapy. And then he let loose a sea of FOG to get me to meet him this weekend.  It almost worked. But, I realized he was seriously violating the boundaries I had just established. So, I actually told him I couldn't meet with him or even text him again because it will hurt my bf and I'm not ready to break up with him.

I told my ex that the text I was sending would be my last, and that I wouldn't respond to anything he said. I also gave a really nice I will always love you goodbye.

I mean it. I'm done. The manipulation was absurd, and it was clear that he only cared about himself. Yes, he wants me back and is willing to do whatever it takes to win me, but he doesn't seem to care that I'm actually ok at all.  It's consistent with BPD.

I will say it again: I didn't break him, I can't fix him.

I have to walk away.

Willing to say whatever it takes    If he was willing to do whatever it takes he would have been in therapy already... .

Good decision 

Thank you!  Yes, good call out. "Say" is right.

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex had been in therapy for about three years when I started dating him.  I bet you can guess my opinion of that.

His main focus in therapy seemed to be his paranoia.  It may have improved a little bit, but generally speaking, it was still present.  He left our relationship describing me as a "psycho stalker" after one fight.  Eight months later, he still checks online regularly to see where I am and if I am stalking him.  As recently as February, he threatened to take out a PPO against me for signing up for an event that he told a mutual friend IN WRITING it was fine to see me at.  So yeah, so much for therapy.

[bunny4523]

Hi Ab123,

I'd have to agree with the majority of the posts.  I found that my ex BPD partner seeking therapy was a ruse.  At first it was suggested by me as a way to "better understand the dynamics of combining families."  I was trying not to point fingers at him but just take it as a way to maybe get some tools to better our understanding and communication since I had just moved in with him and my 16 year old son.  But the real reason I felt the need to seek counseling is because I saw him flipping all over the place with his self image and lashing out towards me over things I wasn't even doing.  It just felt really off to me and I needed a professional to gauge the severity of what I was experiencing.  My ex shortly after decided he didn't want to go to couples counseling but would see his own therapist.  He came home the first night wilth a book on co-depency so that he "could better understand me."  Wait, what?  Did he really think a counselor was going to give him a book to help him fix me without every even meeting me?  duh, the book was for him... .

So anyways, I somehow convinced him to come to my counselor and wow... .weirdest thing... .2 days before the session he starts this big fight over nothing and leads the next 3 sessions with how I did this and I did that.(which I'm sure you can guess I didn't do anyways)  No mention of anything he had done... .I could tell the counselor was struggling to reach him.  I just stayed quiet and let the counselor get a good feel for what I had been dealing with. The mood swings, irrational and overractions, intense emotions. He continued to spu about how I played beer pong with other men at my best friend's 40th family house party.    Finally on like the 4th session I said, ":)o either one of you realize that we haven't even discussed what brought us here in the first place?  We made the appointment weeks before the "beer pong incident".  My ex did not like that.  The counselor smiled.  Kind of like... ."finally young lady... .I was waiting for that."

After that appointment, my ex would compliment the counselor in session and criticize him to me at home.  My ex asked me one night, "you've been in counseling before right?  How do you know when your are done?"  I said, "Well I sit down and I don't have anything bothering me so don't really have anything to talk about so I know I've worked through it."   So of course, about 2 sessions later, he trots into the office and when the couselor asks how things have been, he says, "Good, I really have nothing to talk about.  Everything is really good."  The counselor and I exchanged a look.  He also knew what my ex was doing.  I continued to see the counselor by myself and after I decided to end the relationship, he shared with me BPD and other PD's he suspected. 

I guess it doesn't surprise me but I do recall my ex saying he went to counseling with his ex wife and he liked it, it helped, she was the one who refused to continue.  Then later he told me that counseling with me was so much nicer and productive. When he went with his ex wife, they just beat him up and he just couldn't take it. He was miserable. 

so... .you can guess where my thoughts on counseling for the BPD are - not very hopeful. 

Find someone who loves you the way you love them and don't settle for anything else.

Quote I came across on this website: "Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect -- not codependency or rescuing."

Bunny