Emails from BPDxbf

[Lifewriter16]

My BPDxbf sent me an email at midnight last night and then followed up with a second one this morning. Last night, he wants to check something out. I don't receive the email because I'm in bed. This morning he concludes he's better off without me. At no point has he given me the opportunity to respond to him. That's probably a good thing in some ways, but that was always the way it went.



"I want to check something out. The other week you told me I should continue 1 to 1 work at BRAVE in order to express my anger safely. I’m just wondering what level of anger would be safe for you?

I just want to point out that the first Christmas we spent together, you got mad at me for not offering to help enough, despite the fact I had a cold and was finding things very difficult. You also demanded I divorce (my wife), and told me you couldn’t be with me otherwise. You once told me you didn’t give a f**k about how I felt because I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go on a weekend away to (a local town).

I have worked very hard and am still working hard to deal with my issues. I know lose my temper occasionally, but the truth is I have had to keep so much inside in order to avoid your anger. Its also hard to avoid anger building when the person who hurts you denies they’ve hurt you and avoids you.

I admit I have expressed anger in hurtful and inappropriate ways, but so have you, and I have the guts to admit that on occasion things get too much for me and I get it wrong.

I’ll say goodbye now, think about what I’ve said and consider the fact that however unsafe I may be to you, my stomach turns over with anxiety every time I go into (town) on the bus."




"I’m hurt and angry. I feel betrayed by you. The words ‘I love you’ mean nothing if they come from someone who isn’t there for you when you need them, and avoids being with you.

I have been through so much pain and so much change. I’ve had to come to terms with so much so I’m bound to feel upset. I think its natural that my emotions might be a bit erratic.

I need some who is there for me, who doesn’t avoid my emotions or run away when things get too much. I need someone who will talk through problems openly and honestly, not hide behind labels and therapy. I need someone who will talk to me, not to my illness.

I’m sorry, but I have enough pain of my own to deal with, without having to deal with someone who is there one minute and gone the next. I’m better off on my own.

I hope you find your way."





I might come back to these. Or I might just leave them here for the record. I'm going to delete the originals.

Lifewriter x

[Lifewriter16]

Okay, so here's a trigger:

My BPDxbf texts or emails me saying something about me and my intentions that I find outrageous, something that I think is totally unfair and unjustified and doesn't reflect who I actually am. It triggers anger in me and I get drawn into arguing with him, trying to change how he sees me. It hurts that he doesn't see me as I am. That he experiences me as some kind of ogre that simply doesn't reflect my true nature. I felt this with my ex-husband when we were married. He reacted towards me as if I had the same beliefs and intentions as his mother.

This anger is the same thing I feel with my mother. She believed some ludicrous and unjustifiable things about me and would never update her perspective no matter how much I tried to challenge her. I hate that she doesn't even know who I am. It hurts me tremendously. I have the need to know and be known. I am drawn towards emotional intimacy. I don't have it. I've never had it. I don't understand why someone would be so attached to their view of the world that they would rather believe bad about me than believe good. Perhaps if she believed good about me, she would be nice to me. Perhaps if she believed good about me, she would find me worthy of her love rather than of her coldness and criticism. It seems to me, that whatever I did with my mother, I could not win. There was no way I was ever going to win her love. She misconstrued me and blamed me because I was the eldest and because I was a girl. Now, my BPDxbf miscontrues me to avoid confronting the things that he needs to change in himself. I want to be understood and seen for who I am.

Which brings to mind something I read somewhere. It went something like: If you seek to be understood, first understand yourself. Do I understand myself?

Lifewriter x

[Grey Kitty]

You know that your BPDexbf is accusing you of something that doesn't fit you. As in 90+% of what he says is projection or something else, and there is at most a kernel of truth in there, perhaps not even that much.

Your exH and mother did the same to you.

Can you examine how it is that you find this so hurtful and triggering?

What is it about YOU that makes this untrue accusation so important?



... .perhaps it is that you've NEVER felt that anybody really understood you?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Grey Kitty.

Yes, you're right. However, I not only felt that no one understood me when I was growing up, I felt that no one cared enough about me to want to even 'see' me, talk to me, care about how I was. I felt completely superfluous. A waste of space. Unwanted. Unloved. Used. Ignored. A big mistake... .and I've felt that way my entire life.

If I am angry with my BPDxbf at all, it is because he gave me the impression that he cared and I dared to believe that he loved me and then he took it all away again leaving me with a broken heart.

Lifewriter x

[Grey Kitty]

  Oh honey, I just want to reach through the screen and hold you. 

You felt like you finally got what you needed all along from BPDexbf, and then it was yanked away again and shown to be a fake.

It sounds both too obvious and too easy... .what if you cared about yourself that way as a starting point instead of looking for somebody outside yourself to do it for you?

[Lifewriter16]

And the other aspect of this that I have just connected, is that I believed my Dad loved me... .and then I felt he took it all away.

I have always had a big fear that men will leave me and I knew it was my father who had caused the initial wound. He used to be my champion. At some point that all changed. It was as if I had done something terribly wrong and everything became different. My youngest brother became his favourite. He treated me with the same kind of disdain that he treated my mother. He had no time for me. I came to believe that he felt it had been a mistake having me. If there's any abandonment in my past, this is it.

Lifewriter x

[Grey Kitty]

And the other aspect of this that I have just connected, is that I believed my Dad loved me... .and then I felt he took it all away.

From what you described, it isn't just that you felt he took it away. He did!

And what you (almost) said was that you felt you caused it or deserved it somehow.

[Lifewriter16]

Perhaps this is where my fear of rejection originates from. I have noticed that even whilst my BPDxbf were apart, I still had a terror of him leaving even though he couldn't do any more than he had already done. It felt like a core issue.

My Dad turned on me once when I was two. My Mum tells me that I was playing up to my grandparents (on my Dad's side) because they thought 'the sun shone out of my backside' and he got mad. He took me into their front room and gave me a real beating. I can't remember it, but I've been able to remember my fear of him. How could he beat me if he loved me? How could he beat me because my grandparents loved me?

My father destroyed our relationship because he destroyed my trust. My BPDxbf did the same thing when he started calling me names and punishing me for not doing what he wanted me to do by threatening to leave me or actually doing so.

Lifewriter x

[Sunfl0wer]

My Dad turned on me once when I was two. My Mum tells me that I was playing up to my grandparents (on my Dad's side) because they thought 'the sun shone out of my backside' and he got mad. He took me into their front room and gave me a real beating. I can't remember it, but I've been able to remember my fear of him. How could he beat me if he loved me? How could he beat me because my grandparents loved me?

This reminds me of my last T session.  My therapist has had me read the book, "The Body Keeps Score."

If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it because it analyzes neurological reasons for our responses. (And my summary does it no justice) (I wish I could share a quote and such, but cannot, ugh!)

Anyway, what I was reminded of was my discussion in T regarding emotional flashbacks. He was trying to explain to me that sometimes while we do not have a visual memory to recall and tie our feelings to, that we may have a strong emotional one.  Often this can occur because the trauma occurred prior to our language development, therefore we had no way to store it with mental language, yet it still will find a way to get stored.

I find it interesting that you knew to fear your dad, but not exactly why.

(I apologize as I have yet to discover the recommendations for treating this, either from the book, or my T.  We are still working on things.  I still thought it was worth sharing in case you or another here has read the book and can expand.)

[Lifewriter16]

Thanks Sunfl0wer.

It's also been my experience that my body stores memories. One time, I was massaging the tops of my inner thighs. That night, I had my first visual flashbacks about being raped. Thankfully, that's one trauma that's pretty much dealt with... .

Thanks for the book recommendation. It sounds interesting.

Love Lifewriter

[eeks]

My BPDxbf texts or emails me saying something about me and my intentions that I find outrageous, something that I think is totally unfair and unjustified and doesn't reflect who I actually am. It triggers anger in me and I get drawn into arguing with him, trying to change how he sees me. It hurts that he doesn't see me as I am. That he experiences me as some kind of ogre that simply doesn't reflect my true nature. I felt this with my ex-husband when we were married. He reacted towards me as if I had the same beliefs and intentions as his mother.

This anger is the same thing I feel with my mother. She believed some ludicrous and unjustifiable things about me and would never update her perspective no matter how much I tried to challenge her. I hate that she doesn't even know who I am. It hurts me tremendously. I have the need to know and be known. I am drawn towards emotional intimacy. I don't have it. I've never had it. I don't understand why someone would be so attached to their view of the world that they would rather believe bad about me than believe good. Perhaps if she believed good about me, she would be nice to me. Perhaps if she believed good about me, she would find me worthy of her love rather than of her coldness and criticism. It seems to me, that whatever I did with my mother, I could not win. There was no way I was ever going to win her love. She misconstrued me and blamed me because I was the eldest and because I was a girl. Now, my BPDxbf miscontrues me to avoid confronting the things that he needs to change in himself. I want to be understood and seen for who I am.

Here's a thought, based on some things I've been investigating in myself lately.  Children aren't supposed to have to work hard to get their parents' love (or convince them that they're worthy, etc.)  My father was angry (I was about to say "poor emotional self-control" but I don't think so, he wouldn't have done it in public or with someone he wanted to impress, it was probably just because he thought he could get away with it, ugh) and instead of demanding that he change, my mother taught me not to trigger his anger.  I should not have had to compensate for his dysfunction. 

So when someone disapproves of you or accuses you of motivations you don't have, they see you as bad and you get triggered and your response to that is to want to convince them that you're good... .

Can you convince them?  Is that even possible?  If someone has to see themselves as (more or less) spotless and is compelled to dump their bad stuff on/in someone else, can you change this? 

I believe that a person's self-definition, in order to contribute to well-being, has to include good stuff and bad stuff (yes those are the technical terms  ) and be flexible and inclusive about that.  Among members' descriptions of their dysfunctional families, I have noticed there tend to be polarized roles or see-saw, good/bad.  Rigid.

I have recently realized that my mother's views on ethics and morals are perfectionistic, e.g. you're supposed to be kind no matter what other people do, because then you know "at least you lived by your principles" (that means no anger or losing your composure in any way, even to defend your boundaries).  I don't believe this is actually kindness, but how she effaced her separate personhood in order to protect herself from her father (again, rationalizing preventing herself from doing the forbidden thing of advocating for herself). 

Maybe we struggle to accept ourselves, but in the meantime how about we accept each other?

 

[cherryblossom]

If I am angry with my BPDxbf at all, it is because he gave me the impression that he cared and I dared to believe that he loved me and then he took it all away again leaving me with a broken heart.

Lifewriter x

This is exactly where I am at-Im angry for letting the wrong one in and it is so sad, and draining and exhausting-I thought we really understood each other- I don think I can physically cry anymore-I really feel for you xxx

[Lifewriter16]

If I am angry with my BPDxbf at all, it is because he gave me the impression that he cared and I dared to believe that he loved me and then he took it all away again leaving me with a broken heart.

Lifewriter x

This is exactly where I am at-Im angry for letting the wrong one in and it is so sad, and draining and exhausting-I thought we really understood each other- I don think I can physically cry anymore-I really feel for you xxx

I'm sending you lots of love, cherryblossom. It's a hard place to be. Do you have a shoulder to cry upon?

Love

Lifewriter