Ex going on vacation w someone else and I lashed out

[Lovingme35]

Two weeks ago, exbf with BPD stepped into the picture again. This was after over a month of NC. Messaging constantly. More than he has tried ever! Begging me to meet up with him. I got "busy." Gave it over a week before planning a day. I have been suspicious since our last breakup over why he changed the password to our wholesale travel website. I started asking him for it, saying I needed to book a hotel room. He avoided giving it to me for over a week. When he finally did, I found out he was leaving for a trip to Mexico with a female. I confronted him, and he said that we were broken up when he booked it and he was going to loose all of the points he accumulated and he had to book something. I know that's true. Yet he refused to take me instead. Saying this older women had been looking forward to this for over a month and that she had even gotten her passport for the trip. He instead, wanted to take me to Australia and emailed me the details of the trip saying he would make it up to me.

We met and talked about it. I got the impression that it was not a serious relationship between them. Yet I am very aware that they will most likely be intimate during the trip. That bothers me, but I was seeing other people as well. We met again a couple of days ago for dinner. My plan was to remain calm and send him off on the trip nicely. Instead after a couple of drinks, my feeling came pouring out. I said everything wrong. How I missed the way things used to be between us. That I was having a hard time accepting the trip. He started to leave and I became clingy, begging him to stay. Everything that I know was major triggers for him. He is not able to handle emotions, especially anger and sadness. He said he couldn't deal with my drama and jealousy and left anyway. On the way home, I called him and calmly apologized for my behavior and wished him the best on the trip. He was getting into a fight with another motorist and I could hear him getting out of his car and yelling profanities at the other driver. A big sign that he was completely dis-regulated. When he called back a couple of minutes later, he thanked me and wished me a good night. Needless to say, I have not heard from him since.

They are leaving tomorrow. Now what do I do? I have always been the one that initiates everything. I want so badly to reach out today, in a friendly manner. I am supposed to go to Vegas next weekend with friends. He does not know about this. Was thinking about sending a quick message letting him know that I might be booking it through his travel site, or sending a funny video off the internet. It hurts to go from being idealized to a demon so quickly. Not sure if remaining NC today would be best?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Lovingme35, What would you like to see happen?  Are you hoping for a recycle with your BPD exBF?  What is your goal here?  I'm unsure.  Are you trying to detach or to reattach?  I suggest that you sit with your feelings and just observe.  In my view, there's nothing for you to do at the moment.

LuckyJim

[Lovingme35]

I am hoping for a recycle and to reattach. I know what the consequences are. I have been pondering this for a couple of weeks now.

[Rayban]

@Lovingme35

I experienced something similar to you in the past with my exBPDgf. We had gotten back together after another round of recycling. We went out on  date and I explained to her that I didn't like the fact that there were too many random people in her life in which she seemed to have more then normal friendships with. She said that she's just a friendly person, and that it's not her fault if these people get the wrong idea, and that in the end she was with me.

24 hours later  we're having supper, and her cell phone rings, and she didn't bother answering. A few hours later, were planning a getaway for the weekend, and she's showing me options via the internet on her phone, standing very close to me, she closes the tab, and the info on her phone turns to the missed call tab, and clear for anybody to see it was another dude that was calling her. It's as if she had planned for me to see it.

I couldn't help but ask who that was, and she said it was some guy that she plays video games with? and that he's harmless, and has no romantic feelings for.

Relating it back to your story it seems to me that it's just a classic case of triangulation. I believe she uses different people for different validation needs, and if it causes an increase of desirability, then all the better for them. I think they want people to compete for them. In the end it's just wrong.

[Herodias]

My ex and I separated a long time ago for a month... .we got back together-same as you. He had tickets to go to a concert with another woman he claimed was a friend... .he had to go with her, same as you. This is the same woman I caught in my bed, years later (she was recycled) and split us up. He later told me (after our legal separation) that when he went to the concert with her, they slept together. I think if he goes with her, you have your answer. Don't even believe his story... .believe your head! I kept putting min in the sand! Don't do it- you are on a good position now. Listen to your head and your own morals here.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey LM, OK, thanks for clarifying.  I recycled several times myself and it's something that most of us need to do before we can make the break from a pwBPD, so you are not alone.  What makes you think it will go differently this time?

LuckyJim

[Lovingme35]

Rayban yes it's triangulation. I became aware that it was what he was doing shortly after he contacted me.

Herodias we have had an open relationship for a couple of months now. He told me when he first started talking to me that he was seeing someone else. I am seeing other people as well.

I figured out some time ago that he will never get better. Over the last couple of months I have seen a part of him that made me aware of how sick he is. I want to move on. I want to eventually find someone that I can travel and be with for the rest of my life.

I am angry about this trip because that crossed a major boundary in my book. I was the only one he had taken vacations with. That was our thing. He didn't even think this one out. He is going to be with someone he barely knows in a foreign country for 5 days. It's a disaster waiting to happen. I wouldn't be surprised if she came back early.

I never contacted him and he never tried to contact me. They left today. I have jam packed the next week with activities and dates to try and keep my mind off of things. I still love him. I would do anything to have things be the way they were before, but I know they won't be. I know the statistics and yet would still go through another recycle. Yeah, nothing would be different, but the high, still feels so good.

[Daniell85]

I keep up with your story.

Obviously he considers himself to have the option of seeing other people. His tale to you about the lack of romantic interest is doubtful.

I think it is really important that you look at something here. He is indeed crossing boundaries right and left. In your face. This guy is working you. He is witholding from you as a tool to leverage having control in the relationship. Simply by scaring you into backing down for fear of losing him. I've been there, I know how this goes.

Now you can recycle half way over and over again. And when he gets the whim, he pulls more of this stuff on you. He doesn't respect you. He thinks you are persuing him, so he doesn't have to act decent.

So my question is this: are you going to proceed as things are going or are you going to give it to him straight: "Ex sort of boyfriend, you know I care, but I cannot be here under these circumstances". That is a boundary. Then you have to enforce it or he is going to laugh at you and hurt you some more. He's not being a good guy because he feels he doesn't have to be.

Is he right?

You have to be willing to lose this relationship in order to enforce a boundary of only being with someone who treats you with integrity. It is on you to make sure you get treated well, you already know that left to him, he won't do that.

I am totally sympathetic, I find myself in the same situation. If my ex won't respect me, at least I will be an advocate for myself and act from my self respect.

So far my ex is boo hooing off in his lala land. I am not interested in joining him there.