Being kinder to myself -realising why I went through that experience

[cherryblossom]

I have come to a powerful and healing realisation -which is very self compassionate

My goals as a female have never been -find a loving stable man, settle down and have children

They have been - be independent, try and make a change for the better in the world, be creative and have fun

I have achieved that -when I set my mind to something I generally achieve it

Around the time of getting together with BPD ex I felt ready for a mature, stable loving relationship -but had not put any clear thought into what that might look like in a man

Our attraction was so intense my emotional mind got carried away before I could rationally set a positive relationship goal -I thought it would work with BPD ex because our connection was so special and I had never felt anything like it -so it must be able to work right? But little by little I bent more and more and adjusted and adapted to him and his needs -but this was insidious as was littered by so many powerfully beautiful moments.

As it stands I am detaching more and more -I have setbacks but am moving forward

When I have fully recovered I will set the goal and intention of meeting a stable loving man and I am sure I will get one as I would have put a lot of thought and focus on it -I have been non committal in my goals in the relationship sphere and look what happened -blind sided!

[eeks]

When I have fully recovered I will set the goal and intention of meeting a stable loving man and I am sure I will get one as I would have put a lot of thought and focus on it -I have been non committal in my goals in the relationship sphere and look what happened -blind sided!

Hi Cherryblossom,

It sounds like you have beliefs and habits that are working for you in a certain area of your life, and it's occurred to you that you might be able to apply that to a different area of your life (relationship).   I'm glad you feel compassion for yourself regarding all of this.  

You might be able to use the relationship with your BPD ex where things happened that you didn't enjoy, to figure out what you do want.  For example, you say that little by little you bent more and more.  So you could notice from this that you want a relationship in which both partners maintain healthy boundaries.  (edit that as you wish.)

I have also heard people say that they go and find and talk to a couple that they know who have a healthy fulfilling relationship.  You may not know anyone like that, but if you do, you could use it as inspiration for the kind of relationship you would ultimately like to have.

From reading and responding to people's posts over the past couple of weeks, I have slowly come to a realization that I did not feel I had the right to "ask for more" or "expect more" in relationships.  There is a lot of pessimism and defeatism in my family.  Most people in my immediate and extended family tend to fall to one or the other extreme way of coping with not getting their needs met, either to shut the emotions and the awareness of the need right off (it doesn't go away of course), or use anger to manipulate others.  There's very much a sense that the way to be happy is not to want anything you don't have.  I do not think this is the Buddhist equanimity that my mother says it is, because it does not involve mindful awareness of the desires and emotions, just shuts them off using reason.  As I play around with my own edges around "wanting more", I see possibilities of receiving the love that might be out there. 

Do you think there also might be something to this for you too, family beliefs about "what one can expect in a relationship"?  

You also say that "your emotional mind got carried away" in your relationship with a pwBPD... .is there anything important in there to observe?  :)id you have any intuitions or subtle feelings that something wasn't quite right, that you did not act on at the time?

eeks

[cherryblossom]

Thank you eeks for replying -I'm not having a good few days -feel so angry and sad- so might have to post about that elsewhere and come back to replying to this properly when I feel in a better frame of mind

[gotbushels]

Hi cherryblossom 

Well done on finding power and healing yourself. That's really pleasing to hear. And yes, you're right, it is self compassionate. I think we do need to pay more attention to ourselves sometimes.

I'd like to share that I really relate to this:

Around the time of getting together with BPD ex I felt ready for a mature, stable loving relationship -but had not put any clear thought into what that might look like in a man

My experience was that, looking back, I felt I was really ready "on paper" for a long term relationship. Nope. I could have married anyone, my boxes were that easy. I was definitively a naive (or, "dumb" "happy vending machine" that she could kick and break the glass of. That was my job. My experience has been very painful but helpful to me, so I'd like to help you find some silver in that cloud that is our experience with those BPD exs  Mine was with a upwBPDexgf.

I explored the origins of my vulnerability (so everyone can be happier). This collaborates with your experience of being kinder to yourself. I spread that to enhance other areas of my life. I was inspired by this board's "second failures" and also worked on preventing recurrence. I feel and think "wow I'm so lucky or blessed in this area from that experience God put in my life". Thank God I didn't get married (also included a direct warning from a board member).

When I have fully recovered I will set the goal and intention of meeting a stable loving man and I am sure I will get one as I would have put a lot of thought and focus on it -I have been non committal in my goals in the relationship sphere and look what happened -blind sided!

I learned that it is very rewarding to think about what I want in a relationship. This collaborates with your "non committal in my goals in the relationship sphere". I learned that just because I don't like being "boxed" doesn't mean it's a good idea to get rid of them altogether (going too far the other way to "save" the other person pain). Her using this as an explicit weapon signals to me I had it "right".

Hopefully these can help you see the goodness in your hardship too cherryblossom    Separately, I noticed that your two statements of relationship goals didn't necessarily conflict on every word. Is there a middle ground you can be happy with?

[cherryblossom]

When I have fully recovered I will set the goal and intention of meeting a stable loving man and I am sure I will get one as I would have put a lot of thought and focus on it -I have been non committal in my goals in the relationship sphere and look what happened -blind sided!

Do you think there also might be something to this for you too, family beliefs about "what one can expect in a relationship"?  

You also say that "your emotional mind got carried away" in your relationship with a pwBPD... .is there anything important in there to observe?  :)id you have any intuitions or subtle feelings that something wasn't quite right, that you did not act on at the time?

eeks

-yes my poor dad i think my mum is def uBPD -i say poor dad but he made a rod for his back and for me and my sister and a monster was born -as he totally lets her rule the roost and walks on eggshells for her -he has in past even seen us as children get painted black rather than stand his ground -yet he is passive aggressive back to her -he has a heart condition (wonder why) and smokes even though he shouldn't -which drives my mum nuts --so yeah preetty dysfunctional!

so you can see how I developed beliefs of -be self sufficient -don't rely on a relationship for comfort! I have experienced intense shame of my foo

which is what hurts so bad that I let the wrong one in -I went so far and learnt about relationships over the years -I thought I was gradually maker better choices (although I know now I was not putting the right care and attention into my choices) I thought my BPDex was the one I thought everything before him was a joke -so yeah I fell into idealizing him -----so when little discrepancies etc... .crept i think I had invested so much into the belief he was the "one" I couldn't accept he was a "wrong un" its like i needed to save face -but what a waste of 2 1/2 years --but maybe not a valuable learning experience nonetheless -but the grief proess is exhausting and although fading I still feel pretty haunted by memories, ruminations, sadness and anger

[cherryblossom]

Hopefully these can help you see the goodness in your hardship too cherryblossom    Separately, I noticed that your two statements of relationship goals didn't necessarily conflict on every word. Is there a middle ground you can be happy with?[/quote]
Gb thanks for this reply -sounds like you really identify with the whole feeling ready but actually being naive -so it's great we can share some common ground. I must admit I'm not quite sure what you mean by the above about 2 statements of relationship goals not conflicting and a middle ground -can you please explain more?

I'd also like to share that something very mystical happened when we got together -we were in a samba band together that had certain colours -now when we were falling for each other and chatting endlessly for hours- we looked at a big picture on his wall-and we realised they were the same colours and the same ethnic prints and same lettering as our band-now he was given this picture by a man with a white beard randomly on a street in his home town 6 years prior who was going to throw it away and said you should have this -now I took this to be very powerful sign from the universe -and I remember thinking this sign will either mean that I have found true love -or it will mean that if this is not true love the pain or realisations I go through will finally mean I will truly discover my true self/become whole and I will go on to find true love -You might think I'm mad by saying this but it is truly what happened and how I felt-and it shows how intense and special I felt this meeting was so I am determined something positive will come from it

[gotbushels]

Hi cherryblossom:)

Sure, we can chat a bit more about it:)

Let's try to be specific.

I have come to a powerful and healing realisation -which is very self compassionate

My goals as a female have never been -find a loving stable man, settle down and have children

They have been - be independent, try and make a change for the better in the world, be creative and have fun



I have achieved that -when I set my mind to something I generally achieve it

These were the two statements that I mentioned don't necessarily conflict. The way you phrased them appears as though they are in opposition to each other, "my goals", and, "they have been". Maybe you could share a bit more about what your goals are now and how they developed from these two? How do these relate to the setbacks you mentioned? How do they transfer into your image of "what that might look like in a man"?

I read your story about the colour. It's similar to my understanding of man's search for correspondence in the universe. I relate to that as well, and I counted the number of "answered" prayers from God whilst I was still in my relationship. After that I learned to listen (with ears) a lot more and pray (with mouth) less:) I won't talk about it as it's quite non-secular. From a physical standpoint, when we "feel" a sign, it may be prudent to (1) be aware of our emotions involved, and (2) question it with healthy pragmatism.