Sensing dysregulation after my trip to FOO

[waitingwife]

Hi All,

As you all have been reading some of my posts. I'll try to give a gist of the before and after coz I really some perspectives today. So uBPDH, D5 and I went on a vacation over Easter Break to Europe. That went pretty well except for one very small dysregulation which was handled well with validation and a boundary setting. I am just new to this and using these tools is sometimes hard... .The using of tools is not hard but to keep the first focus on me & my actions/role is the hard time when I get slammed in the face. So yes, I am recognizing the triggers too but it's a slow process. In all this I am figuring out my codependency which came from my FOO.

So after this trip H & D5 came back home and I continued on to visit my FOO in another country(with a different time zone,etc). His FOO also live in the same city & country as mine. So I met them once and had a verbally violent conversation with my SIL(uBPDh's divorced sister who is in the dumps of BPD). When H asked me how did that go... I said not very well and he was asking why... So I said I need sometime to process it all and then I'll be ready to talk. After a nights restful sleep I felt bad to keep him in suspense and at the same time was in turnoil how not to disclose the nasty stuff hat she threw at me... .She talked about my H, me and my mom and I stopped her in the track. Then I gave H an option whether he really wants to listen and also warned him that it'll take him away from his centered self right now. H is truly working very hard by meditation to keep his calm and is doing great. He said to bring it on and I told him tje gist- not the details. He said he will forgive her coz of her circumstances and I told him that it is great and reflects on you!

That conversation with her and spending a night with his parents has totally thrown me off my center... I was so happy and content at the end of our trip in Europe but the FOO country trip is taking away from my filled glass. Last night I sensed H being a little distant and I hugged him and said I love you. SIL's topic came up and I was pulled to talk about her... Said one sentence and then just stopped right there coz I saw him also disengaging and it helped me to stop... .How do I deal with my hurt? Would it be justifiable to be NC with his FOO? It's very complicated when there is a child involved coz I am visiting my parents back in summer and his live so near mine... .But I want to be centered again before I can take on that trip.

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[an0ught]

Hi waitingwife,

first  for handling a difficult situation in a way that it did not escalate in a much bigger way. And the conflict on one side did not spill over into a conflict with H either which was also good  . Neither did you hide it  . Dealing with difficult FOOs is not easy and it would be a miracle and actually more likely a sign that you are walking on eggshells if there would be no conflict that temporarily flares up. The fact that you took a strong position and let things fall where they may may be a sign that you are more aware where your boundaries are and are taking steps to protect them. While this is progress it also means you will for a time encounter more conflicts and have to handle those.

How do I deal with my hurt?

Is SIL close to you? I suspect not and then I wonder why whatever she said could touch you so deeply. From what you wrote she was disrespectful and crossed boundaries but maybe she touched an issue that needs dealing with?

Would it be justifiable to be NC with his FOO?

You could go NC however maybe this would be a B&W overreaction out of anger and hurt? Can you imagine ways to think about this in more grayish  ways?

- SIL is not all of FOO.

- NC is for forever. How would a timeout look?

- NC is complete. How would a set of boundaries look that are fully under your control. What interactions would be safe?

But I want to be centered again before I can take on that trip.

Your own FOO likely will always stir thing up in you. Assuming you are not fully centered - what can you handle and what not?

[waitingwife]

Thank you for getting back with such reflection. I am not close to SIL coz we have not lived in the same country and for the better part of my marriage, she was struggling through a divorce battle. I find her highly highly unstable and so I have maintained my distance. Also dealing with my own uBPDH is just about how much I can handle so I feel like why take on more when I am not obliged to... .

So what she said was - her younger brother(my uBPDH) has always been aloof and never likes to fight for resolutions in family trouble... .The family is fully messed up and my uBPDH is trying hard to be forgiving and I told her that after what he and all you siblings have been through, it's very hard to always do the right thing and I apologize for all your hurt feelings. Then she started talking about my mom and thats when I drew a boundary of walking away if she continues. I was talking ablut how their mom & dad caused so much emotional abuse and how they blame the family dysfunction on her divorce... .My goal was to express to her that she should STOP blaming her divorce to the dysfunction and see beyond that... .How the family bonds were already fragile... .But all that went on deaf ears... .

But I am really so shaken and want to go back to my crntered self that I was at before this trip. Now that I am back home, I am finding it hard to find the motivation to go work out and connect back with my friends... .I was away for 1 month and I feel like I don't want to start where I left. Life here at home is super busy as well with my D5 and H travelling every month. We're again taking another vacation in one more month... .So preparing for that alone is also draining me a bit. We can't postpone that vacation co we have paid for it in full in terms of flight and hotels.

I agree that my FOO also brings up the unsettled feelings or unwanted emotions but how do I shake them off and go back to where I was? I had so much clarity before I left in March and now it's like this fog has taken over me... .uBPDH is dysregulated with his FOO after I told him ablut his sisters interaction with me so over the weekend when he was getting ready to leave, I asked him why hasn't he called his parents/sister? He said coz they don't care. So I asked him is it coz I told him ablut SIL? He said no, coz they don't care when I travel for work, when I come back or how much our family dealsnwith so I don't want to call them. I told him I am

Just asking coz I want to help him... .But he is starting to paint them black and I feel so horrible for telling him... .Also I told him when I visit our FOO country back in the summer with D5, I'll not tell his parents & sister about my trip coz only such negative things come up if I tell them. They always have this big thing against me for not living in their house especially with D5. But they make me extremely uncomfortable and the house is not equipped for a child to live in... .Beyond dirty conditions, etc