She wants me to move out/wants space

[Capt Zach]

I've been living with my partner about 4 months, which coincides with my beginning to suspect that she has BPD.

We've had our ups and downs, more recently she's started being very touchy about affection and has withdrawn from anything more intimate than cuddling.

We probably have some kind of discussion at least once a month that escalates into an argument, whether based on real issues or something trivial. (Most of the time its trivial). More recently, she's started telling me that I should move out whenever she's in unhappy phases.

She has the lease on the apartment, I'm just living with her at the moment. I have a friend who's sympathetic to my situation and who has always offered a place to stay if necessary. I lived with him for a short time while we were still dating, before I moved in with her. I've often thought about returning there at my weaker moments dealing with her.

This past weekend was especially volatile with the two of us visiting family and lots of personal triggers for her. I was also feeling less patient than usual and asserting stronger boundaries, stepping away when necessary, which only made her more upset with me.

I went and crashed with my friend Sunday night, something I have often threatened to do but not gone through with until now. I told her I needed some space and would be back in a couple days, but felt better yesterday and was missing her so I returned. On the way back I started getting messages that she needed more space and not to come back. I told her that I lived there and that it wasn't acceptable to ask me to stay away.

She's once again asking me to move out, asking if I can stay with my friend next month and telling me that she needs more space to think. She's telling me that she feels smothered, doesn't know if we're right for each other. She's also started saying, "Why wont you leave me, I keep telling you to leave me, you deserve a better person, I'm only going to hurt you... ." "All we ever do is argue and fight, this isn't a good relationship." I'm the only man who's ever lived with her, the intimacy is obviously really starting to affect her and she's overwhelmed.

I told her that I would respect her decision to ask me to move out although I'm having trouble validating her feelings completely, having been through this kind of thing before. This time it does seem much more severe than usual. I've suggested that she's pushing me away and self sabotaging, and she's said that maybe I'm right, but I have to give her the chance to see for herself.

I'm having trouble deciding what I should do at this point. I could probably go back to my friends until the weekend, and then return and pack up if she's still serious. I spoke to my friend this morning and he says that I can rent out his extra room if necessary. Part of me feels I should stay until the end of the month since I've paid the rent and not impose on my friend, although being there will also complicate things if she doesn't snap out of this, which may not be possible this time around.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Capt Zach]

To update, I decided to go back to her place and stay until the weekend, when I'm supposed to move. She was very melodramatic, saying she was so sorry to be hurting me. I did my best to act like I am unaffected, and not rehash the discussion.

":)id you talk to your friend, will he let you stay with him?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to?"

"If that's what you want."

I want to keep my dignity as much as possible.

I started doing some packing, and that seemed to really upset her.

This morning she was very affectionate, she told me she couldn't sleep and hugged me harder than she has in a long time. This has been a lot to process.

[pdc62]

I feel your pain. I was in a similar situation last year and I moved out and went NC for about 5 weeks and then I received a text about something trivial. Unfortunately we got back together until about a month ago I recieved a text that we needed to talk. Well, every six months this happens and finally I had enough. She needs her space, I give her space. I travel now for my job and I had to back out of plans for a Sunday birthday party for her son due to traveling. Lets just say that the next day she went silence. For a week and a half no contact until the text. With another we are a dysfunctional couple and its time to call it a day conversation, I became numb all over again. I have a Therapists that I started seeing and her opinion without diagnosing her personally is she is BPD. Of course I googled it and WOW! For the last 5 years every bit of information that I read made it clearer for me what I was dealing with. I had no clue what a BPD was. Needless to say I finally woke up and now I have to do work on myself to get right again in life.  So I feel your pain and I am grateful to have these sites to help me along on working on myself and not worry about her anymore. So stay strong!

[AndrewS]

Capt Zach,

My ex did all the same stuff. If you move out it won't stop. To you she will have space but it's not about that. She is working out how to hurt you now. She is probably feeling engulfed, which to be fair, would be extremely scary. However, with mine the more space I gave the more she took. The same with affection. If I ever asked for even a tiny bit back I was controlling or dependent or childish or something. I t never ends until you break.

[Capt Zach]

Thanks for the comments, I know this is a common experience, but its still good to hear peoples stories. Part of me wonders if this is mostly not about BPD, that she's just lost attraction for me but is afraid to lose me completely.

We had another talk last night, she's feeling guilty that "she can't see me so sad." That she's hurting "the only person who gets her." I ended up trying to reason with her again. I told her that she was making an impulsive reaction to feeling overwhelmed, and that it wasn't her fault, she's trying to do the best she can with difficult emotions, she's sill ultimately acting in self defeating ways. She seems to partly acknowledge this. I suggested that were both starting therapy, that we could work on a system of better communicating, that we could give each other space if necessary. That being a couple and a team requires working through hard times.

She says she doesn't have the energy right now to focus on anything beside getting by and she's scared. Job stress is ramping up, she recently started a new job and this is a major trigger for her.

She keeps saying that she doesn't see why we can't go back to the "fun times" when we were just dating.

Maybe I'm a bit in denial still. Knowing the "script" doesn't mean that I can do anything to change it.