Time to clue in uBPD sister's lawyer- Fueling the fire & unneeded escalating

[Our abuse recovery guide]

         

I'm so angry right now.  Just when I think my uBPD sister can't get any more mean, spiteful and vile, she reaches a new milestone. I HATE HER, I HATE HER, I HATE HER.  Okay, that made me feel better. Now it will help me feel a little better to push the "Post" button.

Discovered today, via US Mail with sketchy info., that my uBPD sister sent in trust income taxes (which she wasn't tasked to do).  She previously agreed, via her lawyer (she has one, I don't), that I was to file the taxes and use the CPA our parent had used in the past (a mutual agreement at that time, although my sister has painted that CPA black).

Subsequent to that agreement, she refused to sign a check to reimburse me for a date of death appraisal and CPA fees that were required for taxes.  She, also, refused to sign a check to reimbursement me for other trust expenses I had fronted with personal money. (it takes both our signatures on a check, unfortunately).  Additionally, after multiple written requests, my sister still indicates she has trust expenses she wants reimbursement for, but she still refuses to provide any detail or documentation. (possible data relevant to taxes)

So, since my sister wouldn't provide any info. on what trust expense data she has, I  had to make an assumption that there could be expenses that should be considered in the tax preparation. I submitted an extension on the income taxes.  At this point, I have no idea what data was used to prepare the taxes and what DOD value was used.  I'll have to jump through a lot of hoops, via her lawyer, to try and get a copy of the tax returns, or try to get a copy in some other way.

Why agree to have me get the taxes prepared if she never intended to co-sign a check to pay for the tax expenditures and if she never intended to be forthcoming with trust data.  She had the option of taking on the responsibility and choose not to.  Why ask why - I guess I know the answer, she is a BPD.

I sent off two emails this afternoon, one to the CPA I paid for and another to the appraiser I paid for.  So far, I know that the appraiser did not share the appraisal I paid for with anyone and that it wouldn't have been a public record of any type.  I doubt that the CPA I consulted heard from my sister.  (was my parents CPA for many years)  I just needed to gain some quick info. before sending a letter to my sister's lawyer. I suspect my sister used her personal tax person, something that was expressly stated as NOT agreeable.  I don't know how her tax person ended up with a DOD evaluation.  It leaves me wondering, since my sister argued about paying for a DOD evaluation.  

Looks like its time to get very frank and honest with my sister's lawyer.  I hadn't said anything about my sister mental health and BPD yet, but looks like I have to now.  I plan to send the lawyer two letters.  One letter will be suitable for him to share with my sister as communication from me.  The 2nd letter to her lawyer will be marked confidential and be very frank about my sister's mental health.  I plan to tell him that I need to make sure that he is aware of my sister's problems, before supporting her in court action against me. In  view of her likely BPD, he needs to be cautions so that a court judge won't think that he is unnecessarily escalating what should be minor disputes.  

In my opinion, the lawyer has indeed been feeding fuel to the fire and seems to have served to assist my sister to escalate every little thing that a judge would rule against.  A whole lot of nonsense from a BPD coordinating with a skum bag lawyer.

 

To support a client to spend a few thousand dollars (or several thousand?) to go to court, for a judge to order their client to do what is judicially prudent in the first place is stupidity.   I find it hard to fathom that any judge exists that would mandate that my sister receives exactly half the remaining trust money before the bills are settled.  Appears as if she needs a judge to tell her to comply with what needs to be done.  Bills settled, then distribution of funds to trustees.  Can't get the cart in front of the horse.  Her lawyer's ethics need to be challenged.  

[Naughty Nibbler]

         

I'm so angry right now.  Just when I think my uBPD sister can't get any more mean, spiteful and vile, she reaches a new milestone. I HATE HER, I HATE HER, I HATE HER.  Okay, that made me feel better. Now it will help me feel a little better to push the "Post" button.

Discovered today, via US Mail with sketchy info., that my uBPD sister sent in trust income taxes (which she wasn't tasked to do).  She previously agreed, via her lawyer (she has one, I don't), that I was to file the taxes and use the CPA our parent had used in the past (a mutual agreement at that time, although my sister has painted that CPA black).

Subsequent to that agreement, she refused to sign a check to reimburse me for a date of death appraisal and CPA fees that were required for taxes.  She, also, refused to sign a check to reimbursement me for other trust expenses I had fronted with personal money. (it takes both our signatures on a check, unfortunately).  Additionally, after multiple written requests, my sister still indicates she has trust expenses she wants reimbursement for, but she still refuses to provide any detail or documentation. (possible data relevant to taxes)

So, since my sister wouldn't provide any info. on what trust expense data she has, I  had to make an assumption that there could be expenses that should be considered in the tax preparation. I submitted an extension on the income taxes.  At this point, I have no idea what data was used to prepare the taxes and what DOD value was used.  I'll have to jump through a lot of hoops, via her lawyer, to try and get a copy of the tax returns, or try to get a copy in some other way.

Why agree to have me get the taxes prepared if she never intended to co-sign a check to pay for the tax expenditures and if she never intended to be forthcoming with trust data.  She had the option of taking on the responsibility and choose not to.  Why ask why - I guess I know the answer, she is a BPD.

I sent off two emails this afternoon, one to the CPA I paid for and another to the appraiser I paid for.  So far, I know that the appraiser did not share the appraisal I paid for with anyone and that it wouldn't have been a public record of any type.  I doubt that the CPA I consulted heard from my sister.  (was my parents CPA for many years)  I just needed to gain some quick info. before sending a letter to my sister's lawyer. I suspect my sister used her personal tax person, something that was expressly stated as NOT agreeable.  I don't know how her tax person ended up with a DOD evaluation.  It leaves me wondering, since my sister argued about paying for a DOD evaluation.  

Looks like its time to get very frank and honest with my sister's lawyer.  I hadn't said anything about my sister mental health and BPD yet, but looks like I have to now.  I plan to send the lawyer two letters.  One letter will be suitable for him to share with my sister as communication from me.  The 2nd letter to her lawyer will be marked confidential and be very frank about my sister's mental health.  I plan to tell him that I need to make sure that he is aware of my sister's problems, before supporting her in court action against me. In  view of her likely BPD, he needs to be cautions so that a court judge won't think that he is unnecessarily escalating what should be minor disputes.  

In my opinion, the lawyer has indeed been feeding fuel to the fire and seems to have served to assist my sister to escalate every little thing that a judge would rule against.  A whole lot of nonsense from a BPD coordinating with a skum bag lawyer.

 

To support a client to spend a few thousand dollars (or several thousand?) to go to court, for a judge to order their client to do what is judicially prudent in the first place is stupidity.   I find it hard to fathom that any judge exists that would mandate that my sister receives exactly half the remaining trust money before the bills are settled.  Appears as if she needs a judge to tell her to comply with what needs to be done.  Bills settled, then distribution of funds to trustees.  Can't get the cart in front of the horse.  Her lawyer's ethics need to be challenged.  

[HappyChappy]

How frustrating this must be for you. They play games even at grossly inappropriate times. Lawyers will do whatever you pay them to do. If I was really wealthy I’d pay one crouch on all fours, in the nude, outside my house, just so I’ve always got somewhere to park my bicycle.

[Kwamina]

Hi Naughty Nibbler

You were clearly quite angry yesterday. Considering how long you've been dealing with these legal matters and the difficult behavior of your sister, I too understand where your frustration is coming from.

How are you feeling today?

You also are not very pleased with your sister's lawyer and how he is handling things. You are planning on sending him two letters to inform him about your sister's mental health. Have you perhaps discussed these recent events with your own lawyer and also what steps best next to take?

Take care and I hope you are feeling a bit less angry today

[Starting_Over]

I can't see telling your sister lawyer about her potential mental illness will help. She might figure out that you said something, and become more difficult. Or, she may told the lawyer that you have issues so you might not be taken seriously.

Have you considered making the lawyer you main communication source. If he starts seeing what you are going through, then he will likely figure it out on his own.

[Naughty Nibbler]

How frustrating this must be for you. They play games even at grossly inappropriate times. Lawyers will do whatever you pay them to do. If I was really wealthy I’d pay one crouch on all fours, in the nude, outside my house, just so I’ve always got somewhere to park my bicycle.

HappyChappy:

Thanks for interjecting a little comedy.  My parents CPA is Chinese and is from a large family.  He commented to me that his parents told him, "You can be a Doctor, a CPA or many other thing, but you can't be a lawyer". His parents taught him that lawyers aren't to be trusted and it would dishonor them if any of the children became one.

[Naughty Nibbler]

I can't see telling your sister lawyer about her potential mental illness will help. She might figure out that you said something, and become more difficult. Or, she may told the lawyer that you have issues so you might not be taken seriously.

Have you considered making the lawyer you main communication source. If he starts seeing what you are going through, then he will likely figure it out on his own.

StartingOver:

My sister can't get more difficult - we have reached the end of the line on that. I could go on for days on her behavior.

At $400/hr, it can be costly for a lawyer to be left to figure anything out on his own.  I've finally concluded that I have to get my own lawyer and let the lawyers battle it out.  All my input will be with my lawyer.  I know one size doesn't fit all and that some choose to soft shoe around the BPD in their life, but I have to be very forthcoming and up front with my lawyer.  What is shared on not shared with my sister's lawyer will be up to my lawyer.  He has the litigation experience.  My interest is in settling things out of court, at the lowest cost possible.

My parents must be rolling over in their graves.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Naughty Nibbler

You were clearly quite angry yesterday. Considering how long you've been dealing with these legal matters and the difficult behavior of your sister, I too understand where your frustration is coming from.

How are you feeling today?

You also are not very pleased with your sister's lawyer and how he is handling things. You are planning on sending him two letters to inform him about your sister's mental health. Have you perhaps discussed these recent events with your own lawyer and also what steps best next to take?

KWAMINA:

Thanks so much for your input.  

I didn't have a lawyer, because up to this point, I had hoped that my sister had an ounce of sanity left.  I've finally realized that I do need a lawyer.  That my sister is beyond any rational thought and that her lawyer will do just about anything for money.  My sister lies, so there is no doubt in my mind that her lawyer doesn't have all the facts.  This week, I,ve had to face the reality that interacting directly with my sister's lawyer is to no avail.  I have to "out lawyer" her and let the battle begin.

I interviewed a couple lawyers this week.  I will likely retain the one who is a trust litigation specialist.  My goal is to settle things outside of court, but I'd rather have the law firm who specialized in disputes.   At $400 an hour (the average rate for where I live), it could well run several thousand dollars with just two lawyers interacting outside of court.  

My task this week is to assemble documentation, a timeline report of trust events and an account of interactions with my sister (things done and failure to comply with what was requested to be done).  

Events from the past are starting to make more sense to me.  My sister told me that in the past (several years ago), the police had cuffed her.  The police came to her house, because her son had his music too loud.  Police sometime are overly aggressive, but in hindsight, I think that my sister likely went into a rage.  In my recent experiences of being the victim of a couple  of my sister's rage events, I felt that I was in harm's way and she was too close to hitting, pushing or shoving me and she was literally "in my face".  I suspect that the police had a similar experience.  

I used to side with my sister, in her blaming her ex-husband for a lot of things.   She always has someone/something to blame for just about everything.  Her 3 children have all been dysfunctional.  Her one son died of a drug overdose, her 2nd son married a woman who "got pregnant" (my nephew is her 3rd baby daddy).  The 2nd son's marriage is extremely dysfunctional and filled with physical altercations on both their parts (This son has had assault and battery charges filed on him).  Her daughter is in her early 40's and has never moved out of her mom's home.  Her daughter has a poor employment history and has spent most of her working life either on unemployment of has had a worker's comp. claim in the works.  She has had so many worker's comp claims, that it will be tough for her to find permanent employment.  Her daughter is in T with a psychologist.  She says her T says she need to live somewhere other than her mom's house before she will likely find relief for her anxiety problems (and other psychological issues).

After my sister's most recent rage event, I spoke with my niece/her daughter.  My niece told me that her mom has gone into her "rage events" her entire life.  She said "why do you think my dad divorced her".  My niece, also, made the comment that her brother "married his mother" - meaning he married a woman like his mother.

So, it's off to the lawyer, to let them fight it out.  It is unfortunate that thousands of dollars will be wasted on lawyers.  We could have concluded all trust matters by now.  I'm anxious, at this point, to get my sister completely out of my life.  I need to complete the grieving process for the loss of my parents and the loss of my sister.

I think the loss of my sister disturbs me more.  I had no idea what bad behavior my sister was capable of.  I guess you don't know how people really are, until you have to "work together".  The wheels fell off the bus, the moment we had to work together on anything.  It started with just discussing things like disability aids for our parent's home.  That was the start of 2 years in hell and a chain of unpleasant and complex matters (end-of-life decisions, medical power of attorneys, financial power of attorneys and then trust/estate closure.)

I've maintained contact with my niece an intend to stay in contact with her.  At this point, I'm anxious to conclude all trust matters and go NC with my sister.  I will likely stay NC with my sister. If at some point, my sister is open to discuss issues in family therapy with a T, then I will always be open to that. I will never be able to just resume future interaction, as if nothing happened.

[Linda Maria]

Hi Naughty Nibbler!  Just wanted to empathise - I have been in a similar situation to you.  My uBPDsis made my life hell after my Mum died, and did everything possible to hold up sorting out the estate, paying out monies, selling properties etc.  I only started making headway when I started court proceedings to get control of the properties so I could get them sold - she started to co-operate - and finally things started to happen.  It was a complete nightmare and it's not completely over yet.  I don't think I would write to her lawyer telling him she is mentally ill.  It will make you look malicious, and anyway - he acts for her - I'm not sure unless you have medical or clinical proof that it would get you anywhere.  I used a solicitor to act for me, but he just stated what should happen, and didn't make too much of the fact that she was clearly doing everything possible to hijack things, and would say if such and such doesn't happen by such and such a date - then this is what will happen.  It worked to some extent - because she knew I was in the right, and so it would go my way in the end, even if I had to pay a solicitor to make it happen.  The other benefit for me - was she was then writing mad, nonsensical letters to my solicitor, to the probate solicitor, to estate agents etc. and so it became very obvious where the problem lay.  I had a mass of evidence and proof that she was holding things up, lying about things etc.  Although the probate solicitor in the early days told me I should get her declared as incompetent and removed as an Executor so I could get control, here in the UK that would have taken a long time.  I would have had to get her assessed by a doctor and declared as unfit - I cannot imagine how I would have been able to make that happen.  Also - in the UK - if someone is declared unfit - sometimes - to protect their human rights - they are given time to get better rather than let the other person make decisions, so I was worried everything would just get frozen and drag on indefinitely.  With my sister it was all about money.  When she realised that if she kept blocking the property sales, we would go to court, and not only would I probably get control, she would also have to pay all costs, and rent for the time she had continued to live in my mother's house (over 2 years, although she has her own house nearby) - she co-operated.  I would work with your lawyer and write to her, just sticking to the facts, nothing personal.  This is what needs to happen, this is by when - you need confirmation that she will sign whatever, these are the costs etc.  Advise her the costs that her jerking around (use different words!) have already cost the estate - and state these are down to her etc.  I dont' know your exact circumstances, so this might not be perfect advice for you, but I know that for me, taking the moral high ground, never resorting to personal remarks or name calling, just sticking to the facts and setting deadlines did gradually get me to where I needed to be.  There are still a few legal things going on, but the big stuff did get sorted (though it still took me over 2 years).  I so feel for you, and I wish you all the best.