Stiff boundaries backfire?

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

Just talked to a good friend who knows my exBPDgf well, and she's had experience with mental illness. She told me that when I told my exgf to leave me alone and that I didn't wish to be with her anymore and changed my number to keep her crazy away from me and our son that she is now so angry that I rejected her she's using our son to keep me in her life, to continue to control me.

I told my friend that my exgf surely understands I'm never going back to her and my friend said yes she knows and this is the only reason she's keeping our son in her custody. I've cared for him since he was 7 months old and she left him alone for over 4 months. She is immature and I know he's too much for her to handle and be emotionally supportive.

She's using the new bf because he's helping with my son and once she gets tired of him she will discard him as well. My friend is very wise about what's going on.

I either give in and allow my exgf the pleasure of seeming she's still got me under her thumb or she makes everyone's life difficult.

My friend thinks my exgf is harming our son emotionally.

So I may have pushed too hard to get my exgf to wake up and get help, she must have perceived this as complete abandonment and she's going to make everyone pay, including our son.

I must think like a child to understand my exgf?

[once removed]

hi JerryRG 

thats pretty good advice and insight from your friend. its really sad that your son is in the middle of it all.

people with BPD are often referred to as "boundary busters", and have poor boundaries themselves. its strange because on the flip side, boundaries are essential in any form of a relationship with a pwBPD, whether it be trying to improve a romantic relationship, coparenting, as a family member, or a friendship.

so id like to suggest that the fact that you enforced boundaries, considered the interests of your child, yourself, and concluded that it was best for you to walk away, was probably not a mistake. we can monday morning quarterback about the best way to conclude a relationship with a person with BPD which isnt even knowledge you were presumably privy to at the time. you acted according to your gut and in you and your childs best interest. you couldnt and cant control how she would react. unfortunately shes reacted probably beyond your imagination anyway.

i think youre handling something that would overwhelm anyone with strength and dignity.

i keep meaning to ask: have you been in consultation with a lawyer?

[JerryRG]

Hello once removed

I have talked to several lawyers and they admit my exgf is dangerous, that I need to be careful and I need to do pick up and drop offs in a safe location and never alone. One lawyer suggested I record the entire visitation and install security cameras.

My exgf has stalked me in the past, she's revealed to me knowing where I am and who I was with. She has her flying monkey's informing her too.

[Makersmarksman]

Hi Jerry,

Something I had to learn,  the very hard way is that boundaries Never backfire. They can be violated for sure,  and you can continue to expand them as I did until they are pointless. But in the end they are your boundaries,  what's acceptable to you and if you are honest with yourself they can never backfire. Now,  I can say this will all the confidence in the world,  but I didn't always practice what I preached and paid dearly for it.

[JerryRG]

Hello Markermarksman

Thank you for your reply

I just got out of an AA meeting and spoke to my main sponser, he's been away for a month. Told him about my exgf telling people I raped her, he said "so what, did you expect anything different"

He said her threats of rape were her attempt to keep me in her control and keep me around by using our son.

Then he said ":)o you now see how sick you were to be with her, you can either feel bad or just be extremely grateful you are out of that relationship"

I smiled as if touched by God, I could be in jail, prison, alone, or dead. Yes I'm grateful to be away from her.

My exgf will never change, she's only getting worse and she still believes I will take her manipulation and I'm sure she thinks one day I will take her back.

Good luck with that honey

[Hadlee]

Hi Jerry

Your friends assessment of the situation sounds spot on.  You've got a great friend there

Sounds like you are doing really well.  Your ex won't change, unfortunately.  It's the sad truth about most pwBPD.  Their anchor drags us down if we stay with them. 

Your son is very lucky to have you in his life.  Keep strong with movin' on      

[JerryRG]

Thank you so much busygall

I am so thankful for you and everyone else here and bpdfamily for all the wonderful support.