Introducing Myself

[AR88]

I've been with my husband for ten years. I always knew something was wrong. But I always thought it was depression. Until the last few years when I realized as did he that it was a mental illness when he went into a rage over a document he couldn't find which was right where I said it was. Recently we discovered what BPD was and noticed that everything fit. In the last few months he has gotten worse. He goes into a rage not once a week but a few times a day. I'm not helping. He calls me names, accuses me of being like my mother, calls me worthless. I'm barely holding on. I'm crying in the bathroom at work. I know the things he says aren't true on a logical level. But that's not what has me worried about our relationship. What has me worried is that he doesn't love me anymore. We haven't been very intimate lately and it's hard for me to start that with him being so bad because I am demisexual and I don't feel that emotional connection from him anymore. I don't have friends. I'm not close to any of my family. I can only talk to his mom because I know she won't judge or try to convince me to leave him. I feel so alone.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

Hello, 

I can certainly understand the problems with intimacy due to loss of emotional connection.   This is very difficult to deal with when you have the desire to be intimate yet your emotions, or fear of emotional pain, keeps you from being able to be intimate.

Is there something that is going on in your husbands life that you can identify as the source of his frustration?  Is it possible that the unveiling of him suffering from BPD is that source.  Is he seeking help?

[AR88]

He's actually at the doctor now. I'm not completely sure what is causing the increased frequency but he believes it is because of lack of sex and he isn't doing anything right now. Specifically music. He was much better yesterday and today. Hopefully the doctor will be able to help him work through some of the issues that are increasing his rage.

[C.Stein]

He's actually at the doctor now. I'm not completely sure what is causing the increased frequency but he believes it is because of lack of sex and he isn't doing anything right now. Specifically music. He was much better yesterday and today. Hopefully the doctor will be able to help him work through some of the issues that are increasing his rage.

See bold above.  This will cause problems with self-confidence, self-worth and self-esteem.  I can totally see this as a possible trigger for him.  This isn't something that is necessarily specific to BPD or any PD for that matter.  Perfectly healthy people will struggle with this when they feel their life lacks direction and purpose.  With a pwBPD it will just be intensified 100 fold.

[AR88]

Yeah, he's been a student all his adult life and the semester ended and he got worse. There are no summer classes for him to take so he feels stuck not doing anything. He says he feels better after his big blow up Monday and Tuesday. I think him assuming I thought he was worthless meant he had to defend his worth and made him realize he wasn't. Like an accidental devil's advocate. He's much more himself and has calmed down since Tuesday. I might try to help him come up with a schedule as I know that is hard when all your time is free time. This may be over involvment but it also shows him I care which he says I've been distant of late and not involved which I agree with.

[once removed]

hi AR88 and

i can certainly see how the semester ending might have made things worse for him. lack of routine and structure isnt good for anyone. i suspect youre right in thinking him assuming you thought he was worthless meant he had to defend his self worth, for a person with BPD feelings often = facts, so if he is feeling this way about himself, that may mean, in his mind, that you do too. theres a tricky line between validating those feelings, and not confirming them. have you had the opportunity to read up on validation?

i think its great that youre an involved and helpful partner. helping him come up with a schedule could be a great idea, though you may want to tread lightly and not push a solution that he could come to resent. in other words, support, but let him lead, that may increase feelings of self worth and be a win win for both of you.

im sorry to hear that you find yourself isolated. i hope that this group will be a great source of support and a place where you can connect with others walking in your shoes. this is, in my opinion, essential in any relationship, but certainly in one that can be so up and down. have you considered ways you might make friends, or perhaps seeing a therapist? we all need supportive people in our lives

[C.Stein]

i think its great that youre an involved and helpful partner. helping him come up with a schedule could be a great idea, though you may want to tread lightly and not push a solution that he could come to resent. in other words, support, but let him lead, that may increase feelings of self worth and be a win win for both of you.

I agree.  There may be times when you feel he is trying to get you to make decisions for him, to take responsibility for his life.  Doing this will not lead to any good.  It can lead to resentment and it can also give him a direction to point his blame finger other than at himself should something not go the way he wants it too.

[AR88]

I've always told him that I can't n make his life decisions for him. This bugs him sometimes, but I think he also understands why I say this. He has changed his major tons of times and I support him when he changes his mind. I am okay with him taking his time in school to find out what makes him happy. I was lucky enough to figure it out in the last few months before going to college. I want him to have the chance to find his path. So I support the time it is taking him.

I may be schizotypal myself. I don't like large groups of people, parties, trying to find friends, random people talking to me. Conversations with acquaintances and strangers and some family members make me anxious. So all that means I don't make friends easily. I also can't drive and don't have much free time which makes it harder for me to join meet ups or classes I might enjoy. I've always sort of self isolated and for the most part I enjoy it. What has made me feel alone is when my husband is having an episode. I've needed someone to talk to then. Someone who understands what this puts me through because the one person I would talk to about my problems isn't in an understanding mood since he is experiencing his own issues at the same time. That's what I'm hoping to get out of these online support groups and of course some understanding and education on BPD. Thank you for reading.