Can people with BPD ever be self sufficient?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm just curious, my ex seemed like he had it all together when we first dated  Had a masters in theology . Studied in Rome 5 years. But it was truly a facade! He wasn't good at many life skills as well as interpersonal skills. He would many times drive his car down to fumes forgetting to fill up the gas tank. Terrible with money management. And typically focused more on dating me and others than he did on building a solid career and life for himself. Never saved money. I think he had many issues going on. But I was wondering . Can they get it together? I really can't imagine him ever being able to live on his own financially, but also even simple life coping and managing skills he lacks too. Are most like this? He even would have his mom open his bank statements and credit card ones too at 34. I know most of that is part of their symptoms as a BPD. But just wondering if they can eventually live on their own. I guess it's different for each person too.

[Itstopsnow]

I'm just curious, my ex seemed like he had it all together when we first dated  Had a masters in theology . Studied in Rome 5 years. But it was truly a facade! He wasn't good at many life skills as well as interpersonal skills. He would many times drive his car down to fumes forgetting to fill up the gas tank. Terrible with money management. And typically focused more on dating me and others than he did on building a solid career and life for himself. Never saved money. I think he had many issues going on. But I was wondering . Can they get it together? I really can't imagine him ever being able to live on his own financially, but also even simple life coping and managing skills he lacks too. Are most like this? He even would have his mom open his bank statements and credit card ones too at 34. I know most of that is part of their symptoms as a BPD. But just wondering if they can eventually live on their own. I guess it's different for each person too.

[Rock Chick]

There has never been a facade really when it comes to the BPD in my life (now I realize this post I am replying to is in the relationship section and not family friends other section and the BPD in my life is not an ex but is my bfs mother but still wanted to comment). She has never presented herself as having it all together in general. She too like your ex is not good at many life skills and def. not interpersonal ones. She is so horrible with money (She can't save money to save her life although I will give her credit for attempting once (she lasted a day before spending just over $120 dollars in couple days time) and be bankrupt and homeless if my bf didnt take on the role as part time care taker and manage her finances for lack of better words. She doesn't work and is on disability (before my bf was born and she started a family with my bfs dad now her ex she would always get fired or moment have to do something would quit (that was a only a few yrs that she attempted work once my bf's mom and dad moved in together for so many yrs before got married and once got married too she refused to work or do anything) She is not on disability for a physical health issue). She has always been the "It's all about me! Everyone give me what I want when I want how I want! childish immature etc type". She also lacks simple life, coping skills, life skills and managing skills (despite going threw the Interact program, dbt, doctors/2 family members and myself trying to help her with all this) and refuses to obtain/learn/use these and/or doesnt have the ability to. So like you said about your ex I really can't imagine the BPD in my life ever being to live on their own nor financially on own. And this is all part of the symptoms of BPD and as well BPD with other issues. As for can they ever live on their own I think one is right it really is one those person to person BPD to BPD kind of things. It depends on the degree or level of BPD each has... .like if is more mild or severe (low or high functioning BPD) and if like they have any other personality disorders or other mental emotional physical issues. But ya sorry for long reply and I suck at wording things and sometimes ramble . Very interesting post and I am excited to see what others will have to say in reply to your comments and questions etc. Thanks everyone for sharing too.

[Itstopsnow]

Thanks Rock chick! I loved your comment! Super interesting and it was great to see it from a different prespective! Rather than a dating relationship . I agree with all you said and relate to so much of what you said about hit bf's mom

[Makersmarksman]

I'm just curious, my ex seemed like he had it all together when we first dated  Had a masters in theology . Studied in Rome 5 years. But it was truly a facade! He wasn't good at many life skills as well as interpersonal skills. He would many times drive his car down to fumes forgetting to fill up the gas tank. Terrible with money management. And typically focused more on dating me and others than he did on building a solid career and life for himself. Never saved money. I think he had many issues going on. But I was wondering . Can they get it together? I really can't imagine him ever being able to live on his own financially, but also even simple life coping and managing skills he lacks too. Are most like this? He even would have his mom open his bank statements and credit card ones too at 34. I know most of that is part of their symptoms as a BPD. But just wondering if they can eventually live on their own. I guess it's different for each person too.

I think they reach a point where they want to really try to be.  After 3 times in my 20yr marriage, my exBPDw is going to try again.  But, each prior attempt landed her in rehab which honestly was the easiest place she could have ended up.  Most recently I got the "I want to be independent" speech before I filed, she had already leased an apartment almost as expensive as our mortgage, took over a car payment and these 2 things alone drain her monthly salary.  She dropped out of high school with 3 months to go, emancipated from her parents at 17, went to New York City and came back with her tail between her legs months later. That behavior just continued throughout this marriage. There just is not a consistent ability to work your way up in BPD, impulsivity is the driver and it tells them to start at the top but they will never stay there, they are just really children after all.

[Itstopsnow]

Another reason why I don't think my ex could live alone , is he hates to be alone in a house at night.  He does anything to avoid it. I've heard it said that BPD is as serious of an illness as  schizophrenia. But more common .  Yes I agree! They are just children in adult bodies . With child Like impulses and emotions! But they have the adult capacity to know better. They just chose to look out for their " urgent " need. And not think things through as a rational adult with morals, principles, and belief systems. It's hard to have compassion. But if you step back and look at their lives as a whole... .Rather than feeling the pain from our prespective . It is sad. This is just another repeat chapter of what will be "their way of life".  It's a very  dismal  Life for them. They reap what they sow.

[Ahoy]

Another reason why I don't think my ex could live alone , is he hates to be alone in a house at night.  He does anything to avoid it. I've heard it said that BPD is as serious of an illness as  schizophrenia. But more common .  Yes I agree! They are just children in adult bodies . With child Like impulses and emotions! But they have the adult capacity to know better. They just chose to look out for their " urgent " need. And not think things through as a rational adult with morals, principles, and belief systems. It's hard to have compassion. But if you step back and look at their lives as a whole... .Rather than feeling the pain from our prespective . It is sad. This is just another repeat chapter of what will be "their way of life".  It's a very  dismal  Life for them. They reap what they sow.

Probably the saddest part of the whole mess that is this disorder inhibits their ability to self-reflect and realise something seriously wrong is going on and to seek help.

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

My exBPDgf couldn't take her medications consistently, pay bills on time, manage money, remember appointments, organize anything, especially her thoughts, she wanted to be a stay at home mom and live off my son's child support. I was taking care of our son and her and working while she slept in leaving our son in his crib until noon most days.

She even asked me to quit my job to stay home and care for our son, excuse me? And who makes the money? So much nonsense. She shop lifted the little things like makeup and fingernail polish and thought nothing of it. Like it was ok and the store owed it to her. When I thought she was putting things in her purse I would just leave.

[troisette]

Yes, it's my experience that BPDs can live alone and manage a home.

Intellectual intelligence can have little connection with emotional intelligence. A PhD or Professor may have excellent academic cognition but have limited ability to relate emotionally or to manage life's minutiae. (Think "Mad Professor" stereotype.)  

[lunchbox123]

Another reason why I don't think my ex could live alone , is he hates to be alone in a house at night.  He does anything to avoid it. I've heard it said that BPD is as serious of an illness as  schizophrenia. But more common .  Yes I agree! They are just children in adult bodies . With child Like impulses and emotions! But they have the adult capacity to know better. They just chose to look out for their " urgent " need. And not think things through as a rational adult with morals, principles, and belief systems. It's hard to have compassion. But if you step back and look at their lives as a whole... .Rather than feeling the pain from our prespective . It is sad. This is just another repeat chapter of what will be "their way of life".  It's a very  dismal  Life for them. They reap what they sow.

This hits the nail on the head, they are children trying to live as adults.

It makes me so sad to think how life is for my exBPDgf. She struggles to keep her life on track and it's a constant battle with responsibilities and her impulsiveness. The last time we spoke in person she broke down and cried saying she doesn't want to be an adult. She wants to be a child, she wants life to be like it was with me when I took care of everything. I've pulled her out of financial pits, depression, being absorbed/overrun by her work. You name it, I've gone to the moon and back for/with her.

She said she has never been as happy as when we were together, life was never that good again even when she was in bliss with my replacement. These are serious feelings/statements and if an adult would come to this realisation they would act on them, they would do whatever they can to bring that person, that security, that dream, back in their life.

The next day she tossed me to the curb when she regained contact with replacement.

I will never truly understand the pain and suffering of pwBPD, the never ending internal battle of insecurity, the incredible fear of abandonment and having to deal with the consequences with their impulsiveness.

My heart still feels like I can make it all better, I can take away the pain and nurse her to health. I do my best to keep my mind stronger than my heart and stay away from the inevitable destruction she will bring upon me if I ever get involved again.

[bus boy]

My ex BPD wife seems very self sufficient. Was an excellent student in school, owns her own house, has a nice suv, spotless credit, good with money, has the same job for 18 years, her bosses love her. Many of her co workers don't use love a word to describe how they feel about her. From the outside looking in, you would think her quiet the catch. Very proper lady like demur, does not use drugs, rarely drinks. My experience in a R/S with her was hell on earth, street angel kitchen devil. I think ex BPD is deeper, darker, something I can't put my finger on, I think she is more malignant NPD. She shows no empathy, empty far off stare, verbally, emotionally, mentally abusive, overt, very covert anusive, never wrong, a terrible winner, take all the fun out of a game of cards. I use to pretend I was sleeping so I wouldn't have to talk to her for fear of saying the wrong thing. Being the best you can be, to be told it's never enough, no kind words, very child like in responses, threats of violence, total and complete denial of any and all abuse, never, I mean never a kind word or compliment, crush dreams, resurrect all your fears. For the most part an all around terrible, vile, emotionless, manipulating, lying, black hearted monster. I've been thinking lately, is the horrable way they make you feel in side and about yourself the true actual way they feel inside? Is that what it means to be drained to be a source? They take your goodness and replace it with there poison. Just a thought I had. And my ex BPD house looks like a bomb went off, I wonder if that's a reflection of how scrambled her brain is. So they can on an outward view be totally on the ball functional but inside a mess, behind closed doors you are a conductor for there pain. They can chip away at you in a most sinister way, until you are a walking mentally drained zombie.

[Hadlee]

I've been thinking lately, is the horrable way they make you feel in side and about yourself the true actual way they feel inside? Is that what it means to be drained to be a source? They take your goodness and replace it with there poison. Just a thought I had.

I've had similar thoughts.  I ended up turning into a person I no longer recognized.  It was awful.   

[JerryRG]

I agree with you both, I went from 270 to 185 pounds from the stress of dealing with my exgf, it turned out good for me to lose the weight. I thought many times I was slowly dying and turning into an angry resentful person like my exgf. My family sure seen the change in me and did not approve. I started behaving like my exgf, nasty, selfish, and rude. They can truly bring out the worst in us.

[RunningWithScissors]

Itstopsnow - yes, people with BPD can be self-sufficient. 

The BPD diagnosis is broad and everyone manifests it differently and to different degrees, as we've seen on these boards.  I usually post on the 'Parenting' board where I've discussed my experience with my BPDstepson.  Long story short, after many rocky years he's transformed himself and is now steadily employed, happily married and able to make great decisions about his finances, career, and living situation.  I want to stress that this happened because of the work he did - by committing to BPD therapy and working very hard at implementing the lessons.  His Dad and I were supportive of his efforts, but also had to step back and resist our natural inclination to save or rescue him from the natural consequences of his actions.  Not easy.  But by not enabling him, he was able to develop the skills he needed to grow, mature and become a self-sufficient adult. The resources available here on this site are excellent and helped us all through this process.

There is hope.  Hugs to all who are supporting the BPD people in their lives.

[Concerns]

This is a great thread with some valuable info! Although, the OP traits didn't sound particularly BPD to me but then more BPD-like traits were exposed after. The spectrum for these traits include NPD. But so many things here are so on the money:child in an adults body, perfect outside/exploded bomb on the inside/house a wreck. I loved the part about the inability to self-reflect. I feel like so much is going on inside their heads that they can't process the self-reflection. It's not that they don't have the capacity for self-reflection. But it's more like trying to stop and talk to someone standing on a highway when you're in the car driving at 60... .

I also would like to add that humans, in general, resist change. It's hard to make changes in your life even as a non. So I can only imagine what it might be like for a pwBPD to begin the journey/even making the choice to be healthy. It's massive.

[WoundedBibi]

It depends on what your definition of self sufficient is.

My ex is very smart. Has a very good education. He always manages to find himself somewhere to live. Ok there is often something wrong with it but he is never without a home. He always ffffs up his jobs after about a year and a half and then goes into a major depression or narcisstic collapse but he always manages to find himself another job. He always finds himself a new group of flying monkeys to adore him until he needs to move on to the next job. He pays his bills. He also always is in debt as he spends too much on booze and drugs. So he does not save or pay off the debts he said he has. I guess his parents might still bail him out. I guess they are the ones he owes.

So he can function in daily life. If you overlook the not wanting to be alone and binge drinking and drug use and cycle of ffffing up jobs.

[Changed]

They take your goodness and replace it with there poison. Just a thought I had. And my ex BPD house looks like a bomb went off, I wonder if that's a reflection of how scrambled her brain is. So they can on an outward view be totally on the ball functional but inside a mess, behind closed doors you are a conductor for there pain. They can chip away at you in a most sinister way, until you are a walking mentally drained zombie.

I hope I posted the quote correctly on here    This is how I feel after 28 yrs!   He has taken my kindess and goodness and replaced with his sad poison, I feel like everything he does has an intent behind it. I don't trust him.  He had me to the point I was doubting everything about myself.  He was constantly trying to suffocate my true self.  But, in the last year after hitting bottom I started to see him in a different light and it's giving me strength to stand up for myself.  But, now that I have seen him, truly seen him I can't pretend everything is ok any more.  I am the pleaser and he's the puppet master, I am doing my best to cut the strings.  I stay out of sadness for him, guilt and the kids (I believe it's referred to as FOG).  I love him but don't LOVE him if you know what I mean, I am always wondering what life would be like without him, if the weight would be lifted from me and I can live again.  I feel like I am always in Flight or Fight mode.  I too pretend to be asleep just to avoid conversations, demands or guilt trips.  I get excited if he has to be gone longer than planned, I feel at ease when he's not home. I can't bring myself to be intimate with him any more.  It's been 5 months and I still don't want to.  It's terrible to even see the words that I am typing now.  Just remember you aren't alone 

[bus boy]

They break down your belief system and worm there way into our clean soul.

[JerryRG]

This is why I discribe my ex as evil, I cannot imagine anything worse than using someone's genuine love and trust to destroy them. I can see if it were random strangers but this is as you said bus boy, sleeping with the enemy.

I guess if you want to defeat someone it's best to study them and learn all their weaknesses.

A battle for our souls against who?

[JQ]

I'm just curious, my ex seemed like he had it all together when we first dated  Had a masters in theology . Studied in Rome 5 years. But it was truly a facade! He wasn't good at many life skills as well as interpersonal skills. He would many times drive his car down to fumes forgetting to fill up the gas tank. Terrible with money management. And typically focused more on dating me and others than he did on building a solid career and life for himself. Never saved money. I think he had many issues going on. But I was wondering . Can they get it together? I really can't imagine him ever being able to live on his own financially, but also even simple life coping and managing skills he lacks too. Are most like this? He even would have his mom open his bank statements and credit card ones too at 34. I know most of that is part of their symptoms as a BPD. But just wondering if they can eventually live on their own. I guess it's different for each person too.

Hi Itstopsnow, Group

You might have read that my exBPDgf had a Bachelors from an Ivy league school & 2 Master's. She worked for a Fortune 300 company, seem to have a successful career. But it was all smoke & mirrors.  She was tens of thousands of dollars in debt with no signs of ever paying it off. She could never save money and managed it very poorly, a lack of impulse control would help with that.  She even bought a house, but I question how long it will last.

Like others here, she can't spend the night alone. When her kids were with her ex, she was staying with me, talking to me to all hours of the morning or she had a couple of other bf's she would triangle with until I finally had enough. She abuses alcohol to the point she can't remember the night before, but not drugs.

My BPD step mother has never been able to manage money and bounced from job to job her entire life until she was able to qualify for disability.  Her relationships between family and friends is just as chaotic as my exBPDgf and I try to avoid them all. She has abused both alcohol but has a history of abusing prescription narcotics for decades & still continues to do so even at her age of 70 plus.

Both are mentally, physically, & certainly emotionally abusive to those closest to them. Both have extreme fear of abandonment and will do or say what they need to in order to avoid it. Both are master manipulators of people to feed their need, whatever their need is at the moment. I have experienced internal stress beyond what should be normal from those you want to love and want to be the closest too ... .

I've also learned more about BPD then I thought I ever would. But I've also learned about myself "a NON" and how to move forward in life one baby step at a time. I have my moments, I feel sad at times, I feel alone at times, and I have other difficult times, but I choose to live a life without the chaos that BPD will bring to my life.  

I know things are better then what they were, I know that things will get better then they are at the moment. Things always get better ... .it might take a little longer then I want, it might take a little more effort and energy that I have at times, but I look forward to every sunrise!    

J

[sweet tooth]

They break down your belief system and worm there way into our clean soul.

Yes. Before my BPD gf, I was recovered from anxiety and depression. I was content with my life. I was religious and had faith.

Now, two months after being coldly discarded, I'm a mess. I have NO energy and spend a lot of time sleeping. I used to lift weights consistently. I just don't have the energy to commit to it.

My weight and appetite have fluctuated consistently, up and down, up and down. Old wounds have been re-opened. Tiny things bother me. I'm unhappy. I've lost my faith. I feel like a vampire sucked the life force out of me and I'm just a husk.

To top it all off: I miss her terribly. I'm a grade A addict... .

[Now what]

Yes, it's my experience that BPDs can live alone and manage a home.

Intellectual intelligence can have little connection with emotional intelligence.

My uBPD won't open her mail, won't do her own Amazon shopping, and doesn't leave the house.

I have probably enabled her for decades but I don't think it is realistic for me to expect her to suddenly be able to manage a home.

From lurking at bpdfamily I get the impression that most people with BPD are a lot higher functioning than my uBPD.

My uBPD is very intelligent but her emotional problems distort her thinking and functioning to the point that her intelligence is not very useful.

[Now what]

and be bankrupt and homeless if my bf didnt take on the role as part time care taker and manage her finances for lack of better words.

This is the issue that finally got me to stop lurking and actually register.

Your boyfriend's mom seems to have a similar level of functioning and a similar age to my Ex (sort of married for about 3 years then sort of my adopted sister/dependent for 24 years).

I am probably quite a bit less functional then your boyfriend. I can see that I am heading for bankruptcy if I can't change the way I handle my upwBPD's dependency.

Part of my problem is the California housing situation.

I would like to find an assisted living sort of situation for my dear ______ upwBPD but she is still under 55 and is officially living on SSI which is not enough money for anything. Every dollar that I give her is officially a dollar that is supposed to deducted from her SSI.  I don't feel like the government deals with reality very well. I am still hoping that some government funded program exists somewhere in the USA that would take the responsibility for her housing and managing her caregivers off of me.

Section 8 could help but landlords don't accept that in most of California and it would still leave me with the responsibility of managing the dysfunctional minimum wage workers that most states are willing to pay for as helpers to the disabled.

 

She is not on disability for a physical health issue).

My dear upwBPD is on SSI disability for psychiatric reasons but she might be physically disabled now as well. She thinks she is physically disabled and she acts like she is physically disabled.  She wants to pretend to me, herself and anybody that will listen that she has a physical disability and does not have a psychiatric disability.

If she has no psychiatric disability why won't she open her mail and help me manage her bills?

She has always been the "It's all about me! Everyone give me what I want when I want how I want! childish immature etc type". She also lacks simple life, coping skills, life skills and managing skills (despite going threw the Interact program, dbt, doctors/2 family members and myself trying to help her with all this) and refuses to obtain/learn/use these and/or doesnt have the ability to. So like you said about your ex I really can't imagine the BPD in my life ever being to live on their own nor financially on own. And this is all part of the symptoms of BPD and as well BPD with other issues. As for can they ever live on their own I think one is right it really is one those person to person BPD to BPD kind of things. It depends on the degree or level of BPD each has... .like if is more mild or severe (low or high functioning BPD) and if like they have any other personality disorders or other mental emotional physical issues. But ya sorry for long reply and I suck at wording things and sometimes ramble . Very interesting post and I am excited to see what others will have to say in reply to your comments and questions etc. Thanks everyone for sharing too.

Sounds similar to my situation and I agree with you about it being on a case by case basis whether or not a person with BPD can ever be self sufficient.

My dear upwBPD also needs help bathing but in my case it might not be entirely psychological. I am curious how your boyfriend's mother explains her not being able to wash herself.

Thanks for sharing.

[Rock Chick]

Part of my problem is the California housing situation. I would like to find an assisted living sort of situation for my dear ______ upwBPD but she is still under 55 and is officially living on SSI which is not enough money for anything. Every dollar that I give her is officially a dollar that is supposed to deducted from her SSI.  I don't feel like the government deals with reality very well. I am still hoping that some government funded program exists somewhere in the USA that would take the responsibility for her housing and managing her caregivers off of me. Section 8 could help but landlords don't accept that in most of California and it would still leave me with the responsibility of managing the dysfunctional minimum wage workers that most states are willing to pay for as helpers to the disabled.

True that... .SSI/Disabilty is def. NOT enough for a place. Even if it was enough apartments or most want you to make 3 times what rent is. So with that it means at most she'd have to find a place for 200 and that dont exist. Even places based off income wont take her either cuz of her past or they wouldnt get enough from her or there is such a huge loong waiting list it will be 5 or 10 or more yrs before she even has a chance at those places and those places most them arent in safe good areas. She also once did about 30 days in jail for something but I cant remember if it was related to dui's or being kicked out of a homeless shelter for her behavior or what was. We dont talk about it much. As for section 8 it seems less and less places want to deal with that so they stop doing so or never start to do so. The apartment she is at now wouldnt let her stay for a discounted amount or accommodate anything but they let her pay whatever they were asking when she moved in and then she had to wait 2 or 3 weeks for the heads of the apartments to decide if they wanted to let her stay cuz of her past. California must be diff than state im in here a person can give someone on disablity up to 20 dollars before things effect disability. And I totally agree about what you said after comment about every dollar give um they take from disablity amount get.

 

My dear upwBPD is on SSI disability for psychiatric reasons but she might be physically disabled now as well. She thinks she is physically disabled and she acts like she is physically disabled.  She wants to pretend to me, herself and anybody that will listen that she has a physical disability and does not have a psychiatric disability.

If she has no psychiatric disability why won't she open her mail and help me manage her bills?

You say she might be physically disabled? Do you really think she is or do you think she is acting it like a person playing a part? Maybe she cant handle knowing she has something mentally wrong with her so she tries to more convince herself she isnt by making up this fantasy that its physical and she does everything she can to make herself believe it and by telling u and everyone that she is she is actually try to find someone to agree with her so that her fantasy can be reality idk. Do doctors or specialist or disablity think she is physically disabled and they have proof? Sorry I hope that doesnt come across as nosy or crossing any line. Feel free not to comment on this part. Perhaps she wont open her mail and manage bills because she doesnt think she has those skills she doesnt want to learn them and its easier to let someone do it then have to put forth any effort. Or she is so disregulated she cant handle that so she cant focus on mail etc. Or she is mentally stunted and regressing to child mind. Or perhaps its cuz she has Dependant personality disorder along with BPD. BPD usually doesnt stand alone or so i have read and been told its usually co-morbid. My BPD has been diagnosed bi-polar via a blood test and asking her 1 question by a doctor. I am not convinced she is bi-polar though (i have family members and a few who are bi-polar and she is nothing like them. I knew 1 family member was bi-polar when they were in single digit yrs and when they got in teens their doctor diagnosed them as bi-polar guess i was right ) I think she was misdiagnosed or her doctor at the time didnt want medical professionals denying her care and insurance companies denying her so they put down bi-polar instead of BPD at time of diagnosis. However her current doctor when we (my bf and i while our BPD was off on a rant not paying attention during an appointment) asked her about BPD she agreed with us 120% that our BPD is BPD and severely BPD. Sorry a lil rambly and half off track.

Sounds similar to my situation and I agree with you about it being on a case by case basis whether or not a person with BPD can ever be self sufficient.  My dear upwBPD also needs help bathing but in my case it might not be entirely psychological. I am curious how your boyfriend's mother explains her not being able to wash herself.

Our BPD is rather lazy and I also think because mentally she is stunted and she is severely BPD she thinks she shouldnt have to do it doesnt want to do it. She throws fits a lot of times when we tell her to go to take a shower. She will go weeks and weeks and weeks if we didnt insist she take a showers and usually we can only get her to shower 3 times a month. Or she doesnt shower until it gets so bad she cant even stand her stench and issues caused by not bathing. Thank goodness she at least baths her chest and private front area. It really ticks me off she makes her son bath the rest of her and comb out her hair when she is done bathing and has her clothes back on. Although once she gets underwear on and shirt she sometimes makes him help her with pants and socks. I wonder if this might also be she does this cuz even though she says she knows he is her son she treats him like sometimes acts towards him like and dually thinks at same time he is her son that he also is her father or husband esp the later. We have addressed this with her therapist on a few occasions but nothing has changed. Sorry a lil rambly again. I hope I was able to answer all your questions etc. If not feel free to comment here or send me a pm on this forum.

[FallBack!Monster]

My BPDex lover/friend/ whatever that was... .

 

    CANNOT take care of herself.  It's weird because in front of me she seems to take good care of her elderly grand father and her 6 year old daughter but her house looks and smells of pee and ___ (most of the time).

BUT, I think she pretends to take care of them for me to see that she is capable of taking care of people. AND to show me that she is capable but just didn't do it for me.  However, the way her house looks, especially her bedroom, tells me that she is faking that too.

Her hair is never done. I know she only washes up by the sink. I have had to trick her into taking a shower because I could smell her.  I wasn't sure if the smell was coming from her body or her hair.  But, I would only expect a stench like that from a homeless person who has no access to a shower.  Still, most of the time she listens and goes in the shower.  At times, her breath smells like garbage. I think she brushes everyday. It might be the day old accumulation of garbage she sticks down her throat... .I mean food and whatever else you might be thinking.

She is terrible with money. WOW! the second her check hits the bank - well you guys know the rest.  She says that her dream person would be someone to just take care of her... .I believe she had this in one of her marriages but them he (according to her) he had no spine

This is the best part, she is in her early 40s, she looks older because of how little she cares for looks but she appears to be younger because (of course) her behaviour.  OH yeah that best part... .she has hired a caretaker to take care of her and the others (mentioned above) in her home.  I met the caretaker. I think she's as sick as my exBPD, but exBPD is too busy playing childish games to notice. I don't think its going to end well, but lets see.

Yep! Everything that everyone else said... .incapable of taking care of herself.

[insideoutside]

Sorry wrong thread!

[Phenomenal Woman]

[quote author=bus boy link=topic=293198.msg12757799#msg12757799 date=1461927424... .I've been thinking lately, is the horrable way they make you feel in side and about yourself the true actual way they feel inside? Is that what it means to be drained to be a source? ... .They can chip away at you in a most sinister way, until you are a walking mentally drained zombie.[/quote]
I think so... .I started to believe what was said to me was a reflection of what my exBPD/bf thought of himself and projected onto me... .but yes I cannot agree with you more to be drained and chipped away... .so numb, so without life. I hate this disorder, I hate it... .I don't know who/what I came to love, a delusion at best!

[Now what]

I apologize to the OP if I am thread hijacking

You say she might be physically disabled? Do you really think she is or do you think she is acting it like a person playing a part? Maybe she cant handle knowing she has something mentally wrong with her so she tries to more convince herself she isnt by making up this fantasy that its physical and she does everything she can to make herself believe it and by telling u and everyone that she is she is actually try to find someone to agree with her so that her fantasy can be reality idk. Do doctors or specialist or disablity think she is physically disabled and they have proof?

She can't handle knowing something is mentally wrong with her. She also doesn't want others to know she is mentally ill and I don't disagree with her about that. People definitely discriminate against the mentally ill. Because of past experience I know longer trust the accuracy of what she is saying when she says somebody mistreated her. It hurt would hurt me if she did not trust me if I was telling her somebody had mistreated me.

She is always complaining and making a big deal about insignificant situations so now I distrust her complaints

What to think about her alleged physical illnesses s complicated. Usually there is a grain of truth in her wild distortions.

She clearly has a sensory processing disorder because things like subtly flickering lights, odors other people can't smell, a vibrating air conditioner that others don't notice and the sound of my sniffling in a separate room deeply disturb her.

She wears her clothes inside out because the seams bother her. I once google "socks inside out" and found that people with Autism, Fibromyalgia, children with sensory processing disorders and a few other illnesses can  cause people to find the seams of their socks to be unbearable.

If her socks hurt her so much what should I think about her other pains that I can't see? If a paper cut hurts one person more than a broken bones hurt another person who should the Emergency room see first? I  have done a lot of medical research because she has such a difficult time getting to the doctor and the doctors don't have time to listen to patients so I thought I needed to solve the medical puzzles myself. One thing I learned doing medical research is that modern medicine is not as scientific as I thought it was and modern medicine knows far less about how bodies work than I thought they dead. Modern medicine doesn't know how many of their drugs work and doesn't really understand how the sensation of pain works.

A doctor said she had Fibromyalgia. I considered that the doctor doing her a favor rather than making a thoughtful diagnosis. In my opinion Fibromyalgia is a cluster of poorly understood illnesses that have similar symptoms. I also think Borderline Personality disorder is cluster of poorly understood illnesses that have similar symptoms.

I think my dear dear upwBPD probably is suffering from an autoimmune disease of some type, perhaps Lupus. I have seen a faint butterfly rash and her symptoms are not inconsistent with Lupus. People with Multiple Sclerosis and other auto immune diseases often had to be relentless at pushing doctors to diagnose them correctly and these people often needed a lot of support from their families to help them get te doctors to diagnose them correctly. Because of her mental illness and because I am her only family we don't have th persistence that we need to get her diagnosed correctly.

She needs dentistry. She has a breathing problem that makes her cough all night that neither I nor the doctors think she is making up.  She gets back pain from standing or sitting but she is obese and does not exercise.

I wish I was in the room when her neurologist allegedly told her that she had nerve damage in both arms. I believe her but... .The same doctor said to me "have you heard of conversion disorder" and that neurologist basically dropped my upwBPD as a patient. I suspect the Neurologist believes that the alleged leg paralysis that put my dear upwBPD in the hospital and nursing home for months was actually psychologically caused conversion disorder.

I have seen how my dear upwBPD uses her hands. If she could be patient I think her hands are usable for many things she says she can't do. 

There is more dignity in being physically disabled than in being mentally disabled. We could in theory try to get a doctor to certify that she is physically disabled but I don't see how that would make our lives easier and it would require work. We did get a handicap placard for the car I bought a expensive walker which she needs if she is going o be on her feet very long.

I do think she is physically disabled. If her mental illness went away it would need to be able to support her own weight for extended periods of time before she could work. Her problem with her hands and her breathing problems would be a nuisance that would make working more difficult. I don't know how severe her pain is but I suspect that the bigger problem with her pain is that just as she can't tune out background noises and odors the way a normal person would she also can't tune out the chronic pain and ignore it to the degree that a normal person is able to ignore chronic pain.   

Sorry I hope that doesnt come across as nosy or crossing any line. Feel free not to comment on this part. Perhaps she wont open her mail and manage bills because she doesnt think she has those skills she doesnt want to learn them and its easier to let someone do it then have to put forth any effort. Or she is so disregulated she cant handle that so she cant focus on mail etc. Or she is mentally stunted and regressing to child mind. Or perhaps its cuz she has Dependant personality disorder along with BPD. BPD usually doesnt stand alone or so i have read and been told its usually co-morbid.

I don't see anything nosy or line crossing.

I think anything difficult or unpleasant distresses her. Only some lucky people really like their work. I have some ADD traits. I would love to only do things that interest me. Concentrating on boring things is difficult.

I think the whole topic of money may distress her.

She plays games on her Ipad. I still don't understand why she asks me to buy things for her at Amazon when I have given her access to my account and to me buying things at Amazon is not much harder than playing games on an ipad.

I probably should be making her do her own Amazon shopping. I am a failure at making her do anything.

My BPD has been diagnosed bi-polar via a blood test and asking her 1 question by a doctor. I am not convinced she is bi-polar though (i have family members and a few who are bi-polar and she is nothing like them. I knew 1 family member was bi-polar when they were in single digit yrs and when they got in teens their doctor diagnosed them as bi-polar guess i was right ) I think she was misdiagnosed or her doctor at the time didnt want medical professionals denying her care and insurance companies denying her so they put down bi-polar instead of BPD at time of diagnosis.

I have read a few times that doctors give out false Bi-Polar diagnoses because insurance will pay for Bi-Polar.

However her current doctor when we (my bf and i while our BPD was off on a rant not paying attention during an appointment) asked her about BPD she agreed with us 120% that our BPD is BPD and severely BPD. Sorry a lil rambly and half off track.

No problem. I know that I am a blatant rambler.

My dear upwBPD is currently getting no psychological help. I don't know what diagnoses she has had over the years. Her doctors never told me anything and I think that is normal. I did see that she had "major depression with psychotic features" diagnosis a very long time ago.

I will read about dependent personality disorder.

The biggest place where she does not fit with BPD is that I don't think there is anything lacking in her "sense of self".

Our BPD is rather lazy and I also think because mentally she is stunted and she is severely BPD she thinks she shouldnt have to do it doesnt want to do it. She throws fits a lot of times when we tell her to go to take a shower. She will go weeks and weeks and weeks if we didnt insist she take a showers and usually we can only get her to shower 3 times a month. Or she doesnt shower until it gets so bad she cant even stand her stench and issues caused by not bathing. Thank goodness she at least baths her chest and private front area. It really ticks me off she makes her son bath the rest of her and comb out her hair when she is done bathing and has her clothes back on. Although once she gets underwear on and shirt she sometimes makes him help her with pants and socks. I wonder if this might also be she does this cuz even though she says she knows he is her son she treats him like sometimes acts towards him like and dually thinks at same time he is her son that he also is her father or husband esp the later. We have addressed this with her therapist on a few occasions but nothing has changed. Sorry a lil rambly again. I hope I was able to answer all your questions etc. If not feel free to comment here or send me a pm on this forum.

My BPD also has gone months without bathing and I have washed the places she can't reach but I am not her son (which is good) and she prefers female employees washing her rather than me.

Prior her physical problems she wanted emotional support for showering because she "hated water because her father had tried to drown her". I have seen things to somewhat substantiate that her father probably is violent and mentally ll. The stories about the father's mother make it sound like she the paternal grandmother was BPD. Archived Newspaper stories about the mother of the paternal grandmother show her the great grandmother engaging in mentally ill behavior that might be BPD related.

I rambled.

My dear upwBPD was very clean when I met her and spends time trying to get me and the help to keep hygiene standards. She requires people to put on shoe covers when they enter the house. The house is very cluttered because she wants things and won't organize but by nature she is clean and a germophobe.

Despite being very clean by nature she rarely showers because she considers showers traumatic and she does not get enough emotional support for showering and now she believes she is at risk of falling while she showers.

She is remarkably unsmelly when unshowered but she gets scalp soars. We have a goal of having her shower at least twice a week but her BPD and the unreliability of her help causes her to often go longer than that without showers.