Do I still have a chance to get my BPD ex back? Help, please...

[Jossie Lee]

Hello, everyone. I hope all my confusion and depression will get solved from here.  :'(

My ex-boyfriend and I were together for about 7 months. He was absolutely amazing and on the other hand, he has all the BPD traits that I didn't know of until recently.  He declared his love to me after only 3 weeks and he introduced me to his mother, where I found out that e lied about his birthday, job and maybe the other thing I didn't know. Yet another reason, he hated me to contact his mother for I'd know more truth about him. but, when he pissed me off and his mother was the one calling me and apologizing for his wrong behavior to get my forgiveness. At X-mas time we had few very strong arguments which hurt me badly I mentioned that I was scared and I didn't wanna see him anymore then he acted like he was going to kill me, then he came up with a horrible suicide action, it took me hours calmed him down and I've tried the best not irritating him more. We seemed fine. But yet, small arguments never stopped. He was the one who always tried to break up and I am the one who always beg him back and swear that I won't hurt him again. Few days later, another argument, he asked me to do not contact him until he contacts me again, I did. But from the bottom of my heart, I figured that he would never contact me.

About 10 days later, his mom called me at a very late night told me he was in trouble and he wanted me to help and of course he felt sorry for leaving me alone of not contacting. As you know, I was always there whenever he needs, I also wanted to prove that I cared for him very much.

We went back to our good loving time. Well, good time didn't last long. Friday night, he was still telling me how much he loved me. Monday, he wanted to break up with me? Within two days? I was so shocked. His reason was funny, --

In the beginning, he phoned me and he said if you contact to my mom again I will never contact you (because I learned that he just lost his job from his mom which pissed him off); I said ok; he hang up; few minutes later he phoned me again, he told me that he still can't be with me,

because (he has the addiction of substance abuse) that when he wanted to get high and I can't have fun with him and now he had no money and I don't any that stuff he needed. At that moment I was scared of losing him, then I offered to buy, he seemed to be happy again. But I felt very bad and I feel like he didn't really need me. I hesitated when we finally got to his friend's place, and he was furious as bad as I couldn't imagine, then he threw me out of his car, the last thing he said to me was "get out of my life, you ___in' lier!"


                                                                 to be continued... .

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[Jossie Lee]

I went home, felt heartbroken and I was angry too. After 2 days, I was surprised that he went on dating website again (he never stopped of using it). And after one week we broke up, I texted him to see how was he going. He didn't reply, I tried to call, no answers. About half hour later, he called back and kept telling me what happened at his auntie and he was with his buddy now, and talk to me later then he hang up. He didn't give me a moment to say anything and  of course, he never contact me.

I was hurt and confused, but I can't stop thinking of him. Almost 2 months later, end of March, I texted his mom on Whatsapp, just wanted to find out everything went well for him. It's him who replied, he questioned me why did I contact him now? And he told me that he msged me weeks ago and I never replied. (He didn't message me at all.) Then he blamed that I was playing games with him cuz I was bored. I said I wasn't.

Then he asked me that have I ever thought about him before the day I texted. I told him I thought about him every day, he seemed to be happy and started telling me he works for 2 jobs now and he was doing better. But he didn't want me to call him "honey" and "babe" cuz we are not together. I asked him does he want us to get together again, he told me he needs to think about it because too much time has pasted that he didn't see me or hear from me. I blame myself the NC made him unsecured in our relationship. I felt bad for leaving him in silence and uncertainty. Then, I sent him few voice messages to remind him of our good time together and how much I care and love him, he   blocked me right away on Whatsapp after he got those voice messages.

Later days, I tried relevant messages to his phone, no replies anymore, and he never answers my calls as well.  Two days ago, I made a stupid and brave decision: I need to see him! I brought him a gift, and waited for him at his parking lot, wanted to surprise him since we haven't seen each other for almost 3 months.

Finally, after 3 hrs he showed up and the moment was so awkward. I got off my car with the gift, then he opened his window just a little bit, I can't see his face cuz his car windows were tinted, he never gave me chance to talk to him, he kept saying that this was creepy, he's so scared and he asked me to drive away, cuz this isn't the right time. When I try to approach, he drove away and drove around, it seemed that he went crazy as when I approach to his car. He didn't give me a chance to get closer, he acted like a panic kid with a horror. I didn't know that he would be like that, I can't stop worrying bout him. But I love him, what should I do to get him talk to me or even see me again. I need help please.

[an0ught]

Hi JL,

it is not clear that all what you observe is down to BPD. It is common for people with emotional difficulties to abuses substances. Alcohol and most drugs (maybe weed not so much) tend to provide short term relief but people pay with feeling worse, craving and sometimes extreme behavioral changes. Manipulation of family or lovers to support their habits is common. Maintaining perspective is hard, resisting to being exploited is very, very difficult.

About 10 days later, his mom called me at a very late night told me he was in trouble and he wanted me to help and of course he felt sorry for leaving me alone of not contacting. As you know, I was always there whenever he needs, I also wanted to prove that I cared for him very much.

You can't buy his love.

If ge feels guilty and bad for dumping you and you give him a gift you invalidate him making his guilt a lot worse. Validating people who are extremely negative is not easy. Check out the workshops on communication and validation pointed to in the LESSONS.

There is a real risk by you running after him you are loosing his respect and your self respect. Respect and boundaries are vital in a relationship with a pwBPD. Take a look at the corresponding workshops as well. Saying no to him is certainly not easy.

You are in a very difficult position   Take good care of yourself!