Thinking about having a baby.

[Nope]

DH and I are in the planning stages of beginning to think about possibly maybe getting pregnant. So, in other words, we're just throwing the idea around. It's bringing up a whole slew of feelings. I have no relationship with my mother so motherhood is a very complicated matter in my mind. I see DH's mom clinging to him. - He's an only child after several miscarriages and I'd go so far as to say there is a certain degree of emotional incest in her attachment to him. I see DH's uBPDex and my step kids locked in this horribly unhealthy triangulation/enmeshment relationship where both she and the kids agree that her wants and needs are the most important thing in the world.

... .And I see myself and all my flaws and I worry. It's one thing to be raising my step kids full time because even if I mess up I can still feel pretty good that I've done a significantly better job with them then their BPDm. SD is an honor student with many friends and lots of activities and a generally pretty happy life for a middle school girl. SS has serious executive function issues, anxiety, and depression (the scapegoat child) and it's only very recently with the help of lots of counseling, some medication, many meetings with the school, and lots extra support that he is starting to move along in a good direction. I've been spearheading a lot of the initiatives that got us where we are. I feel good about that. So maybe this has been a good testing ground?

DH raised the concern the other day that if we had a child the older two would get more vocal about wanting to go back to living with their mom. They have a younger half sister at their mom's house and her boyfriend has every other weekend with his son who is only slightly younger than my SS. Still DH has the very real fear that we'd chase the kids away by having one of our own. I'm not sure what to say to him about that. I'm sure BPDm would try to use it as leverage to drive a wedge even if one wasn't naturally created by a new little somewhat unwelcome family member.

I feel like my step kids are absolutely entitled to their feelings. But I'm also entitled to mine. And I don't think keeping the peace with them and keeping them at least semi ok with living with us over living with BM is a very good reason for me to remain childless if that isn't what I want. But at the same time, one of my best friends said to me that she thinks that given how much time, energy, and effort SS needs from me that it wouldn't be a good idea to have another child if it ends up meaning I'll have to short change a child that is already under my care. But I wonder if that isn't really one more way of saying "you knew what you were getting into when you married a man with kids". Which is, as far as I'm concerned, the most ludicrous statement a step mom ever has to deal with from the general public. Thoughts?

[Grey Kitty]

You and DH seem to be looking at this from the wrong direction.

Step back from thinking about his ex and what crap she is likely to pull.

First off, do you think that you and DH are ready to have a baby and raise the baby right? Neither of you has a good r/s with your mother, so there is some weirdness there. However you both are working hard at raising SS and SD, and can look at how you are both parenting now, and you sound like you are both doing well there, despite ugly stuff with his ex.

The other half of the first part is how much do you want/need to have your own child? And what does DH want?

Second, do you think that you would have the energy you need to put into taking care of SS (and SD, 'tho she sounds easier today) when you have a baby?

If both those questions point to having a baby, only then do you look at the external complications.



SD & SS will obviously have to adjust to the new household, and there will probably be some bumps there... .but that is temporary. It might be helpful for them to spend an extra week or two away right after childbirth, given all that you and DH will be adjusting to.

SD & SS may still want to spend more time with their mom after the adjustment period.

How much choice do they have with the current custody agreement? Does that change after they pass a threshold age?

Assuming that you and DH can put sufficient energy into parenting (see above!), their opinion matters but is secondary, especially if they don't get much choice in which parent they live with.

Last question--What about the ex? Do you have an expectation of what she would do?



You have very little control over what anybody else says or does, and can speculate all day. Far better to keep most of the focus on you and DH and your ability to fulfill your current parenting obligations instead of what "might happen" with anybody else. The other path has a lot of walking on eggshells.