He replaced me, when am I allowed to replace him? Are there separation rules?

[londons]

So... .what are the "etiquette rules" for separation (not a legal separation. just one agreed upon by the 2 individuals)?   my exbph has replaced me within the 4 months we have been living apart.   apparently he has a set of rules that makes sense for him,  but i am thinking dating should wait for a legal separation.     or should one not date until the divorce papers are FILED?    divorce papers are FINAL?    are there any clear cut "rules" ? seeing as we are still married, i see dating at this time as cheating.  but i would like to date eventually... .   is it simply when the 2 parties agree to it, married or not?  can anyone share their timeline?   i am not quite sure how this works.  not that anyone is knocking my door down, but i want to do what's right.     what do think ann landers would say?   thanks, londons

[Dhand77]

So... .what are the "etiquette rules" for separation (not a legal separation. just one agreed upon by the 2 individuals)?   my exbph has replaced me within the 4 months we have been living apart.   apparently he has a set of rules that makes sense for him,  but i am thinking dating should wait for a legal separation.     or should one not date until the divorce papers are FILED?    divorce papers are FINAL?    are there any clear cut "rules" ? seeing as we are still married, i see dating at this time as cheating.  but i would like to date eventually... .  is it simply when the 2 parties agree to it, married or not?  can anyone share their timeline?   i am not quite sure how this works.  not that anyone is knocking my door down, but i want to do what's right.     what do think ann landers would say?   thanks, londons

If you feel like you're ready to date. Go date. Do what makes you happy. I highly suggest healing first, when you truly love yourself, you'll draw a better partner to you.

[Herodias]

I am in the middle of it now. It depends on how you want things to go and your states rules. My state is fault based. I am not going to give him any reason to divorce me on adultery and get alimony from me! Mine has a pregnant gf. We are getting divorced on the adultery grounds. You are only allowed to DATE. Which means going out in public to a movie or lunch or dinner. No sexual conduct.I would keep someone out of your home to be safe.  I heard about a woman's husband who had cheated and they were getting divorced,  she met someone else and he got her on adultery! You do not want that on your record. Be careful and check into the laws of your state. Etiquette would be not embarrassing or humiliating your spouse by posting your  affair all over Facebook. You can do what you please once the divorce is final-not before. You are still legally married. If you want to get divorced quickly, his adultery if you can prove to a judge with pictures will get you out sooner- talk to a lawyer. He more than likely will have to pay for the divorce due to it too. You have the upper hand... .don't lose it. I am technically legally separated... does not matter- have to be divorced in this state to be involved with another person; kissing, holding hands and displaying affection in public or behind closed doors.Yes, it is like the 1950's but it is the way it is... .Thuis does give you time to not worry about relationships and work on yourself. It is a good thing. In the past it was a time to decide if you really wanted to be divorced or if you could work things out. When they are involved with others it doesn't usually go well.  Good luck... .

[WoundedBibi]

Chances are you are divorced before you are healed enough to be ready to date anyway so I wouldn't worry about it right now...

[Inharmsway]

Hi Londons ,

Remember this is not a competition nor are we working off a script. For BPD'd individuals there has to constantly be a filler for the emptiness hence the frequent leap from one ideal to the next.

If however you feel you are ready to date then go for it. There isn't a prescribed cooling off period after having dated a disordered individual or a non for that matter. I'd rather use this time to see what attracted one to this type of relationship to begin with.

I'd be careful as a "non" not quickly jump into another relationship more especially after dating an emotionally dysregulated individual. I'd questions my motives and whatever the he'll I could be running away from

[Herodias]

I agree with with Inharmsway... .they cannot be alone. My stbxh's Mother told me he cannot be alone. Don't feel like you need to be doing what he is doing to feel worthy. Mine figured I would be right out there dating like him. They have no idea what they have done to us mentally. Just do the right thing by your marriage so you can feel good about that. When you get to the divorce part, they tend to get angry... .it is you leaving them for the final time. You do not want to have any reason for him to be able to hurt you. That's just my advice.

[vortex of confusion]

In this day and age, I don't think the rules are as hard and fast as they used to be. I would check the divorce laws in your state.

Also, some things to consider would be length of marriage. My stbx and I are both seeing other people. We have been together for 18 years and have 4 kids. The relationship had been in decline for a long time. There are some legal and financial advantages to putting off getting a legal divorce. Neither one of us are going to use that as grounds for divorce. When it comes time to file, I am going to go for a no fault divorce.