Lets talk about betrayal

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I'm getting close to three months separation. Intellectually, I think I know just about all I need to know about this disorder. I know my ignorance of BPD accelerated my relationships demise, I know some things that were said by me would have likely triggered my wife to seek attention from other men.

The simple fact of the matter is that I asserted myself near the end of the relationship and stood my ground for what I wanted. A replacement was quickly sourced.

So I KNOW now this was inevitable, it was ALWAYS going to happen because without someone to attach to, she is nothing, a little sail boat lost at sea.

What is driving my slightly insane is the fact that several times throughout the day I'll think of my wife's smiling face and WHAM I'm hit to the back of the head with the realisation that she cheated on me and happily lied about it. Probably the ultimate betrayal in a personal relationship. It doesn't feel pleasant in the slightest.

I figure this has something to do with my trauma bond that still exists with her, my guts tense up whenever I see someone online that even resembles her.

Now once again, I know the in's and out's of why I was replaced. I even have very little anger (at the moment) of this fact. Like I said, this was always going to be, so how the bloody heck do I let my brain accept this fact and not feel so personally betrayed by something that was essentially an autonomous reaction to perceived abandonment? I think once I get over this 'hump' and my divorce settles, I have an actual shot of starting to detach... .

My gut tells me this might be a narcissistic injury also at play. I would love to hear everyone thoughts! How did your betrayal make you feel and how did you get over it?

Cheers,

[Ahoy]

So I'm getting close to three months separation. Intellectually, I think I know just about all I need to know about this disorder. I know my ignorance of BPD accelerated my relationships demise, I know some things that were said by me would have likely triggered my wife to seek attention from other men.

The simple fact of the matter is that I asserted myself near the end of the relationship and stood my ground for what I wanted. A replacement was quickly sourced.

So I KNOW now this was inevitable, it was ALWAYS going to happen because without someone to attach to, she is nothing, a little sail boat lost at sea.

What is driving my slightly insane is the fact that several times throughout the day I'll think of my wife's smiling face and WHAM I'm hit to the back of the head with the realisation that she cheated on me and happily lied about it. Probably the ultimate betrayal in a personal relationship. It doesn't feel pleasant in the slightest.

I figure this has something to do with my trauma bond that still exists with her, my guts tense up whenever I see someone online that even resembles her.

Now once again, I know the in's and out's of why I was replaced. I even have very little anger (at the moment) of this fact. Like I said, this was always going to be, so how the bloody heck do I let my brain accept this fact and not feel so personally betrayed by something that was essentially an autonomous reaction to perceived abandonment? I think once I get over this 'hump' and my divorce settles, I have an actual shot of starting to detach... .

My gut tells me this might be a narcissistic injury also at play. I would love to hear everyone thoughts! How did your betrayal make you feel and how did you get over it?

Cheers,

[Icanteven]

So I KNOW now this was inevitable, it was ALWAYS going to happen because without someone to attach to, she is nothing, a little sail boat lost at sea.

You know it in your head, know it in your heart.  As I mentioned in another thread, I know a situation where the BPD partner had an incredibly successful boyfriend who was kind and handsome and a catch by any definition, yet BPD partner had five other lovers.  At the same time.  Fear of abandonment much?

the realisation that she cheated on me and happily lied about it.

You're dealing with someone whose life is predicated on manipulation and deception; unless she gets serious therapy, and lots of it, and even then no guarantees, this would have been YOUR life for the rest of your days with her.  She is better at this than anyone you'll ever meet who themselves isn't personality disordered; don't beat yourself up.


I'm still trying to figure out how to move forward myself.  But, what's been incredibly helpful to me is look at her past relationships with a critical eye for the first time and realize that I am one in a long line of spectacular flameouts, only she happened to be married to me.  And, by all appearances, many of her former lovers were great, good-looking, successful guys, but as soon as she had what she wanted from them she replaced them, almost always in horrific fashion. 

[once removed]

i didnt know about the cheating at the time, although there were a couple of instances/clues that i overlooked and shouldnt have.

a friend of mine in high school had a very dependent, clingy girlfriend. it kind of blew all of our minds when it turned out she cheated. i decided then and there that i wouldnt put the ability to cheat past anyone. fast forward to my own very dependent, clingy, and hyper jealous girlfriend. it wasnt even a matter for me of consciously giving her my trust. the dependency, the seeming (and expressed) inability to even be attracted to anyone else, the fact that she blabbed about me to anyone in sight, all of it and more; cheating seemed so out of the realm of possibility. i have strong evidence that it happened multiple times, probably for a long period of time.

the revelation didnt really hurt, per se. i learned about BPD before i realized it, and knowing that a highly jealous person is quite often prone to cheating, it just kind of figured, ya know? the thing is, it was so scary to me, that id had no idea, that trust wasnt even conscious, just a given. it was no longer about others. i felt i couldnt trust myself. perhaps you can relate.

im not sure my reaction was a usual one. ive been cheated on before, and it was devastating. cheating feels very personal, and we experience it personally, whatever pathology or behavior may drive it. we can understand it, but theres no excusing it.

one thing i did feel was violated. first of all it was a blatant disregard for my own health. i put up with jealousy, spent a total of many days fighting about it, catching her monitoring me, having fights about that, for her to do what she did? i badly wanted her to know i knew and that she hadnt gotten away with it.

you can call it a narcissistic injury. it does powerful things to the ego (neutral sense of the word ego). in my case all i saw was extreme, even unhealthy dependency, but i believed it was unique to me and how special i was. it also pulls at our own abandonment fears.

but at the end of the day, its also a broken promise, and a violation of trust, to which your reaction, anger, pain, sense of betrayal, are all quite valid.