ex girlfriend, silent BPD

[valkyrien91]

Hey im new to the forum, i dont know where to start. finding it hard to find someone being supportive to me at the moment, so i was dating a girl long distance, for 2 years. ever since we first met she said she had aspbergers, (her brother is diagnosed with it also) but im sure she is silent BPD and not an aspie, she had the victim mentality traits everything negative ect... the first time we met in person i was idolized ect... the usual then devalued then discarded, her family is also very dysfunctional she lives in the middle of nowhere with her mom and brother (she only ever met her farther once) we've been split up  5 months now.

       im still very close to her mother (we speak atleast once a week over the phone) shes wanting me to come visit the family home for an art exhibition of her work she has on display in 2 weeks... .i still have feelings for my ex (she dumped me and leaped onto another guy online less than a week after dumping me shoved it in my face straight away, we've spoken on texts sporadically little communication she only answers my texts why it seems appropriate to her and will ignore any other part of a question she doesnt want to answer, shes said i can go to there family home visit and come to the art exhibition with her and her mom (she knows i still have feelings for her) shes blocked me on facebook, but leaves me on her skype and  phone, one day she text me saying, i should let go of my feelings for her, better people than her, why do i love her ect... .? then when i asked about the art exhibition and me coming over she said, im welcome because her mom wants me there and is not going to stop it for 'selfish reasons' (shes going also obviously) i said i dont wanna come inbetween anyone, and if it was best id let go of my feelings and move on if thats what she wanted, her reply was : you asked a question about me being ok with you coming over, i answered lets just leave it at that. then back to the silent treatment ignoring me online.

shes no friends in real life and only ever really went outside the house when i visited, i dont know if shes testing me, playing mind games ect... .shes a big fear of abandonment.

i love her, i miss her alot ido want her back, but im at a loss of understanding whats happening, the last time she visited was in late december 2015, when we thought she was pregnant, after that she said while she was at my house, she felt comfy... .like it was easy with me. then after that flew home told her mother i didnt feel the same way about her, as she did about me, then went on to show her a picture of this online guy a couple of weeks later. then she fell into depression went to visit nurse ect... because she didnt feel 'right' and now im almost locked out online and have been pushed away, im trying to be supportive as i said ido want her back, but that isnt the end of the world to me, im just concerned for her, i guess you can say im a people pleaser / fixer type, but im just at a loss of where i stand, if she wants me back , but im painted black or something iv no idea, any input / supported is welcomed greatly thanks guys!

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[joeramabeme]

valkyrien91

Welcome to BPD Family! 

Sorry to hear about what you are going through.  Dealing with BPD traits and trying to understand can be very confusing.  You pointed out that she paint you black, if this is true, you should strongly consider giving her the space she needs to sort through her feelings.  BPDs are highly sensitized to other peoples feelings, if she senses that you have a desire to hold on - she will likely push away.  If you try and chase her she will push even harder. 

This is really difficult stuff.  You said this is a long distance r/s, do you have any regular contact with her?  Did you go to the art show?  I think your comments about not coming between her and her mother were very wise and intuitive.  She may get curious about your motivations and begin to inquire what is going on.

Have you read any of the literature on this site on how to communicate with your BPD partner?

[valkyrien91]

Thanks for your response, the only talks we've had were via text, and it was her putting herself down saying... .better people than me, people that can offer me more, that shes bad and not good almost like self punishment, then the questions about me loving her ect... .yeah i said i dont wanna come inbetween her and family no matter how close, i am to her mom i said im not her family and if its for the best id just walk away and move on not to come inbetween or bother anybody, and that was met with the answer, you asked a question about me be ok with you coming over, i answered lets just leave it at that.

its like she doesnt know what she wants, i mean she randomly blocked me on facebook for no reason, (i think to try and get a reaction out of me) iv not risen to it, i wont argue or start conflict, yet she leaves me hanging on her skype which she actively uses. her mom said she 'needs' me over there to visit. for her exhibition and her life stress around a car accident, which i gave her mom advise on because i had something similar happen to me, she told me not to give up on her daughter, and that she thinks shes playing games with me, but i dont know what to do when im 360miles away and just met by the silent treatment online, yet shes letting me come over and visit and go to the art show with her and her mom ( id be at her house for 4 days)

[valkyrien91]

oh and then said, its my choice, i can come over or not, its up to me, i dont know how involved she is with the online guy, hes also the same distance away from her as me, they have never met or seen each other on webcam ect... .but she was pretty attatched to him 5 months ago, (her mother also strongly dislikes this online guy) hes messaged her mom aggressive things and also me via facebook 5 months ago and obviously her mom wants to see me and her daughter back together, i mean she knows im good for her daughter, iv a kind hearted nature and security ect... .so my 'life' is safe for her daughter to live a good one, if you catch my drift, i was also her longest relationship at 2 years, her longest one before me was 6 months, when she split up with me she turned all the hatred on and acused me of things i never did like shooting down her dreams (when infact  i found her a college course she wanted to do) but she didnt act on it, and obviously, it was my fault and i got the blame, then said to me 'i told my mum i want to kill myself someday, shes self harmed in the past (never with me) and told me, i make her feel like cutting herself (this was 5 months ago now though) and thanks for the welcome and help!

[joeramabeme]

I see.  Well, know that you are in the right place here at BPD Family and there is a lot of support.  Were you aware that there is another message board here for detaching from the wounds of a failed relationship?  I am curious if you knew and if there is a reason that you are on the Saving board as from what I can gather from your posts the r/s sounds as if it is over?

pwBPD (people with) traits, are typically characterized as having a fear of intimacy; a deep fear of abandonment and a desire to enmesh with their partner to avoid abandonment.  It is a constant back and forth push/pull struggle.  One part sounds like; I am afraid you will leave me (pull you closer) and the other part is if you are not exactly like me (enmeshment) and so scared that I am not in control and could get hurt and so push you away.  Sounds like this is what is happening between the two of you. 

Of course you can never truly become enmeshed, where your being is exactly as she needs you to be, and therefore as hard as you try to assure her of your love and care, it cannot fully assuage her fear - as hard as she may try to make it.  Also know that even though she is precipitating these behaviors, she can also see your reactions and motivations with a keen detached eye (hypervigilant). 

That said, can you see where your reactions to her fear and longing for her attention are part of what drives her behaviors?  Not because you are the root cause of the behaviors, rather, your reactions to her fears propel the fears further.  Think of a child on the edge of a diving board who is afraid to jump and as a group of adults encourage him/her to do so, the child becomes more fearful and eventually freezes and comes down without diving.  If you can see it like this, try not to push her, rather, be supportive of where she is and let her know you care and will be supportive of whatever decision she makes.  Of course this may not be the decision you are hoping for and the greatest of temptations is to find a way to convince her that it is OK.  But if she cannot allow herself to be convinced all your coaxing will have the opposite effect. 

Easier said than done.

Is what I am saying make sense and resonate with you?