New DIL upset because I showed up early for the wedding

[Phewrite]

My son was married two weeks ago . . . They called yesterday and we were happy to hear about their honeymoon.  I remember thinking, "Wow, this all feels normal . . .maybe now after the wedding it will all be okay".

Then out of the blue they wanted to discuss the wedding.  We had received a spread sheet for the ":)ay of the

Wedding" with time slots for each family member.  My husband and father-in-law were supposed to arrive at 3:30 and my daughter and I were not supposed to be there until 4:30 (the wedding started at 5:00).

We had asked if there was any last minute help they needed and my son said, "If you want to go buy bottled water and ice" that would be a big help. So we all arrived at 3:30 so we could ice the water and have it ready.

We were told yesterday that we disrespected them by not following the schedule and because I and my daughter arrived early . . . they could not take pictures (of my husband, FIL and son in the Groom suite) 

I am SOO TIRED of all the conflict.  Every time we have a family event (that they plan) we have to follow their directions to the "T".  We were told that we have a timeline of not following their wishes and they were tired of us disrespecting them. 

I really feel like my DIL and her mother create conflict in an attempt to separate my son from his family.  Neither one of them even said "Hello" to me the whole weekend.  They act like my son's side of the family does not exist.

I tossed and turned last night, trying to think of a constructive way to handle it.

They have a 2 year old son. . .  If there wasn't a grandchild involved it would be easier to "let them go".  She has told me that if I can follow the rules or give any "Pushback" then they will cut us out of their lives.

PLEASE help me find a constructive way to deal with this.  I am here to learn how to handle her, I feel emotionally blackmailed, frustrated and angry most of the time.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Phewrite,

PLEASE help me find a constructive way to deal with this.  I am here to learn how to handle her, I feel emotionally blackmailed, frustrated and angry most of the time.

I think your approach of figuring out how to best handle your reaction to her behavior is really the best way to deal with it. You cannot change her or how she behaves.

One thing you could do is ask her (or your son, if she refuses to talk about it) how she thinks the conflict can be resolved. There's not much you can do about something that can happen in the past, as you know.

This is tough--I know firsthand how painful it is when a relative with BPD threatens to cut you off--but this is when your negotiation skills and patience will be put to the test. Have you read up on any of the communications articles on this site, like SET or DEARMAN? Those have been very helpful for me.

[Notwendy]

When I saw the time sheet, I thought, oh boy, who does this? Wanting family and guests to arrive at a certain time is understandable, but I haven't seen an organized time sheet.

One thing that can help, in addition to Geekygirls reply is understanding the drama triangle. Blaming someone else is a common behavior. Also black and white thinking: The WHOLE weekend is ruined because someone showed up early.    But that doesn't make sense.

She's allowed to think what she thinks, but you don't have to buy into it or react to it.

I really feel like my DIL and her mother create conflict in an attempt to separate my son from his family.  Neither one of them even said "Hello" to me the whole weekend.  They act like my son's side of the family does not exist.




This may be the dynamics that you are dealing with. For my mother ( with BPD) a person is either on her side or not. If she was angry at me ( or another sibling) it was "her side" or "my side".  He FOO is on "her side" and they maintain that there is nothing wrong with her. They say the  issues between us are my fault. My father's FOO were concerned about her from the beginning- and there is distance between them and my mothers FOO. This division continued, but it is the way my mother and her FOO relate to others. As Geekygirl stated, understanding this and how to best relate to them can help, as they are not likely to change.

Don't try to pull your son to your point of view. He has made his choice. Likely his wife would make it her side vs your side, and although this may put him in a tough spot, he will most likely choose her. He already has. The cost of doing this would likely be on your part.

This is a tough situation to be in. I watched this happen in my parents' marriage and I know it is hard, but for the sake of the grandchildren, I hope you can remain a loving presence in their lives. Kids have a mind of their own and in time,  will relate to other family members as individuals. I am closer to my fathers family now, and practically estranged from my mother's FOO.

[jdtm]

She has told me that if I can follow the rules or give any "Pushback" then they will cut us out of their lives.

Make no mistake - this is the goal.  And it will happen - either by what you do or you do not do.  Been there myself.  Also witnessed my sister-in-law dismiss two families (she was married twice and neither worked out) as well as me.

So what to do?  I suggest "nothing".  You will be criticized for what you say/do, what you do not say/do - ere, even for what you think (or not).  And then, get on with your own life.  Your expectations of a "happy family around the Christmas tree" will not happen.  Please do not waste time trying to find a solution as it will only "wear on you" - physically, mentally and emotionally.

But, you can save your relationship with your son and grandson.  In our case, it was my husband who was able to be the "go-between".  If you feel comfortable, send birthday cards, gifts, e-mails and telephone calls to his place of work (but be aware that he will share everything you say and do with her - do not in any way criticize his new wife).  I might suggest you comment that you hope she is well and enjoying her new home/job/vacation or whatever (to omit her would be another nail in your coffin).  If you are lucky, your son and grandson will be able to keep contact (in our case, our former DIL hated child rearing so we babysat our grandchildren often).  Shortly after the marriage, she dropped us from her life.  You know your son better than I.

Rereading my post sounds so negative - it is really not as there is hope.  You and your husband still have time to "save" some semblance of a relationship  with your son and grandson.  This is where I feel you should put your focus (as well as keeping your sanity).  So sorry ... .

[Phewrite]

Thank you ALL for responding.  I feel better knowing others have/or are dealing with the same issues.

I have read SET and I will look for DEARMAN.  I am determined to find a constructive way to deal with this.

My husband thank goodness, finally sees what I have been seeing.

I woke up this morning . . . and the first thought I had was, "If she had a physical illness . . . we would want to help her.  I know I can't change her.  I think acceptance is the key. 

She DOES have an illness we just can't see it.  I read several posts from bloggers whose parents were NPD or BPD.  When I think about her childhood and how hard it must have been I feel compassion.  My compassion may be the road back to peace.


Thank you all,

have a blessed week.

[Notwendy]

jdtm made a couple of important points. When the drama triangle and projection are at play- you may not be able to avoid being wrong, or blamed for something. For instance, had you shown up on time, you might have "ruined the occasion" because you were "late with the ice and the water was warm".

Two people bonded together against a "common enemy" is a way to stabilize a relationship. When both are looking at something/someone else- they don't look at themselves. This can apply to the non- or co-dependent as well- having a focus on someone else keeps one from looking at themselves.

My parents would frequently bond against one or more of us kids- one of us might say or do something that made them angry. We were basically good kids, but we did kid stuff. So for instance if one of us talked back to her, missed a curfew in high school, or later enacted boundaries- that would prompt and exaggerated response- we were the worst kids ever.

I wish I had known not to take it personally then, and now I realize that- there were times when she would have likely found a "reason" that I "ruined something" no matter what.

The other point is that he will share everything with her. Cards, letters, e mails, to my father were all shared with my mother. She listened in on our phone calls.

You may wonder why your son chose such a relationship. It is hard to know why, but he did, and that is the choice you have to work with. I too wondered why- asked my father's family about any family dysfunction on his side, but really could not find anything major going on, at least from what I was told. People didn't know much about mental health when he was young, and so perhaps nobody really understood. I know his family loved him and that surely meant something to him. I won't really know why he was so bonded to my mother that he engaged in this "her side" vs others, but he was her rescuer and responded to any distress on her part.


I agree with jdtm about staying in contact, sending cards, small gifts if you can afford it, and sit back and wait... .because like her DIL, my mother disliked child care and was quite happy to have my father's family help. Perhaps as the kids get older, you can form a good relationship with them.