dil with BPD threatens divorce

[MKB]

My daughter-in-law is threatening divorce. This is after 8 years of constant turmoil amd heartache in our family. She and my son have one daughter who is seven. My son and I have been her targets. They are both very sucessful people with great incomes. To the world she appears intelligent and caring. When I have expressed the tirads I have endured and the hateful behavior, even my husbands and siblings can not believe it. My son is the only one who truly knows how hateful she is. She sent me an e-mail one day that my husband saw and he was so angry at the way she talked to me. He could not believe it was the same person. Finally he was understanding. She hides it well until she has to be in a close relationship then the BPD shows itself. This is the surface of the situation but I truly need help in how to deal with her in a divorce. She makes things up in her mind and then presents them as the truth and she really believes it to be the truth. I sent her into a total melt down one day because I was so sick of the attacks about things that I had not done and I countered her lies with the truth. How do you change if the things you are accused of doing are total fabrications? We have had hope that things were going better because she has been quiet for a while but my son has found evidence of her purchasing a house and furniture. When she was confronted she said the house was for her mother and she denied buying the furniture even with the reciept in front of her. As I read your posts I feel like I finally have someone that will believe me. It is so hard to keep believing I am a good person that welcomes people into our lives and wants them to feel loved and cherished when this BPD attacks at every chance and tells me I am unloving and awful.

[Phewrite]

As I read your post, I experienced a "flash forward" moment, my son was married 2 weeks ago to the same kind of woman.

Mother to Mother . . .  he will always be your son, YOU need to take care of yourself and protect yourself from these emotional assaults.  I have learned to "expect the unexpected".  Just don't engage, remove yourself from the situation. 

I am in the process of printing out all of the angry emails I get so that one day if my son and grandson are going through a divorce, I hope my paper trail will convince the judge as to her state of mind.

You are a unique individual who matters.  Your feelings and thoughts matter.  You are still "a good person" you haven't changed she is emotionally, mentally, and spiritually ill.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi MKB,

Welcome.   You and your feelings do matter. I'm glad that you're here and reaching out to others who understand what you're going through--it really helps.

I sent her into a total melt down one day because I was so sick of the attacks about things that I had not done and I countered her lies with the truth. How do you change if the things you are accused of doing are total fabrications?

Here's one of the hardest things that I've learned from my experiences with a BPD mother: there's not much you can do about the attacks. Sometimes people with BPD (pwBPD) will "paint you black," so to speak, and tell others unflattering or untrue things about you. It hurts. That said, I've also learned that people who know me well will also see through the stories and/or not let them affect the relationships between us. It takes a lot of patience and good self-care, but over time, I've learned that it's best to not engage or get defensive. A simple, "Oh, that's what you've heard? Well, that's between me and X," is I respond now.

How are you taking care of yourself? What kind of support do you have?

[MKB]

Thank you for your help. I have learned some basics survival skills in the last seven years. Usually I do not talk much around her. No matter what I say it will be taken the wrong way and give her reason to attack me or my son. I only ask about her and what is going on in her life and only say things that are in her favor. My husband and I love people and love to know them and share our life with them. Our family has been open and honest, even in disagreements because we grow as people that way. I am grieving the family I thought I would have in my old age. I am grieving the family and loving relationship we raised our son to have. I am asking God to take this situation and heal it in the way He sees fit. I am trusting He brought me to this group of people to share the life that no one can understand who hasn't lived with BPD. When the chaos starts, as with this secretly buying a home and furniture, it ususally send me into depression and anger for a while then I will come back again and try to live with some kind of joy... .until the next bomb drops!

[MKB]

To Phewrite, I also document episodes and my son documents and e-mails to me so we have dates on things. You are wise to be doing this already. We were into this a few years before my son talked to an attorney. He was living under the constant threat of her leaving and taking their daughter so he had to get the facts of what she could do and how he could protect their daughter.