Her mom just died and she contacted me. What the hll to respond?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We are in NC for 4 months, briefly saw each other last weekend. Now she messaged me with info that her mom died and that she needed to tell me this.

What kind of answer to provide?

This is so sick, should I just reply that I am sorry or to offer some kind of help (talk)?

I am actually embarrassed that I need to ask this and to act like BPD person deserves different treatment because I am afraid what the contact can produce and how harmful it can be.   

[blackbirdsong]

We are in NC for 4 months, briefly saw each other last weekend. Now she messaged me with info that her mom died and that she needed to tell me this.

What kind of answer to provide?

This is so sick, should I just reply that I am sorry or to offer some kind of help (talk)?

I am actually embarrassed that I need to ask this and to act like BPD person deserves different treatment because I am afraid what the contact can produce and how harmful it can be.   

[married21years]

can you check she has actually died? 

[WoundedBibi]

First of all don't feel guilty or embarrased or whatever for asking how to respond. You wouldn't ask if this would have been a 'normal' relationship but it wasn't. It's not that a pwBPD deserves a different response when their mother dies but you are trying to find the right balance between appropriate response and guarding your own boundaries of NC.

Of course every pwBPD is different. I think they all tend to lie about things (mostly for defensive reasons) but only you know how much of a liar she is and if she would lie about something like the death of her mother. If you think she would I would try to verify it with a third party first. I don't want to be a cynic but the timing with you just having been in contact again seems very coincidental. Of course people die every day so it might as well be true.

If you know her not to be much of a liar especially not about the important stuff I would react. As you do care for her, as it is something you feel you want to do, and it is the normal thing to do among grieving humans of which she is one. But I would keep it very to the point and brief to avoid getting sucked in as she has been very willing to recycle you. Something like "I am so sorry to hear about your loss". Without offering help, shoulders to cry on or anything like that.

She will probably contact you again as she did not NEED to tell you this but she wanted to. There is a reason she wanted to or felt the need to.

For talks, support, shoulders to cry on etcetera she has family members and/or friends and her T. You were only together for a few months and have been in NC for about the same time as you were together. It isn't as if you were joined at the hip, best buddies, or anything like that. I don't think there is anything you can offer her friends cannot. Except for a recycle...

In all of this, seeing the length of your relationship, I presumed you did not know her mother. If you did that of course does make a difference.

[Concerns]

Ugh. I used to love texting. Now I hate it after my BPD relationship.

Texting the death of a parent is just improper.

Send your condolences for her loss. Maybe something about how great she was/better place/small eulogy.

That's it.

[JQ]

Hi Blackbird,

I would echo what WBB has said, DON'T FEEL GUILTY OR EMBARRASSED!  Thats what the group is here for, to seek out guidance and see if we've had similar experiences and how we handled it.

I can tell you that my exBPDgf texted me to notify ME that her father has passed as well and we were NC for months at that time much like you. And I checked via the web to confirm his passing. She was seeing bf#2 and maybe bf3# at the time but reached out to me. I texted her back, in fact I think I might have called, it all seems like a bad dream now. I told her things to the effect "I'm there for you", "I'll be at the wake, funeral". I was told, "NO don't come, I can't deal with my fathers death & you at the same time". And so we went back and forth for a couple of days and I decided to honor her wishes not to attend for several reasons.

Looking back on the whole experience, I should of just texted, "sorry for your loss" and left it at that. I mean we're not cold heartless beings, in a normal world we can do that. It opened up yet another recycle experience that did NOT end well.  I wish I would have known about this site then to ask the question and seek out guidance as you are doing now.

I agree with WBB, you can NOT offer her anything that her "friends" can not except another recycle as what happen to me. I fed her need ... .I was another source for her mental illness to manipulate as I'm sure she manipulated her other "sources".

Let this go as nothing good can come from this ... .IMHO.  Stay strong ... .the group has your back         

J

[zeus123]

You don't have to respond or say anything. My ex texted me the same message back in October about the passing of her mother and I didn't respond. borderlines only lie when they breathe. Stay NC!.

[MapleBob]

Look, her parent died. Send your sincere condolences and if she asks you for anything beyond that, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. That's absolutely the right and classy thing to do.

[Cazz787]

This question stirs up unresolved unwanted toxicity in me. *even though I understand your asking Blackbird*

My mother was near death. I told my exbp I was dreading her passing since we were so close... (this was years ago, the exbp and I were speaking and supposedly close... )

The ex said 'let me know if you need me'.

My mom passed away and when I said I need you, she had started yet another silent treatment. I hadn't  received so much as a card. Showing up at the funeral, flowers, a sentence of all the times she went to my mom to talk to her. Nothing.

We are now in NC (by my doing and desire... ) I hope for my ex's sake she's not dumb enough to let me know she lost a parent.

[willtimeheal]

Send a card and leave it at that.  The passing of her mother is sad but don't open old wounds. Send a card and send your condolences in the card. That is all.

[Turkish]

We'll assume it's true. As such, how do you feel about it? Did you know her mom? If so, like, hate, indifferent? If you did know her and felt positively, then be sincere, "she was a nice lady. I'm sorry for your loss." If not, Super BIFF: "My condolences, [name]." Something like proper etiquette if an acquaintance told you this. I wouldn't over think it.

[blackbirdsong]

Hi,

I wrote this thread on my way home. During the ride I was thinking several things, what do I feel, what should I reply, how to handle this situation... .

I also wanted to really remember the feelings so I can discuss them in my weekly therapy.

Short answers:

She wouldn't lie about this.

I didn't know her mom.



So, when I arrived home, I sent her a short message, in summary - that I am sorry for her loss and that if I can help her in some way I will do that.

The last part was a trouble for me. I knew that I will reply to her message immediately when I got it, just didn't know what type of response would I reply.

So why did I sent this?

Well, I am sick of giving BPD so much credit and power. I observed my feelings and I know that I won't recycle, because I know what kind of consequences that triggers. But I do care for her on some level, different than before, but on some level I do care. And I want to react based on my principles and not on BPD's. If someone I care says that his/her mom died I will offer comforting words and help if I can.

BUT... .

When I said help, it is help with boundaries - help that considers the situation in which we are now. And I am expecting of her also to recognize the circumstances of the situation and adjust the level of help that I can provide (She is BPD and won't do that, you will say? OK, but that is not my problem and then I will react expressing those boundaries. I don't want to do thinking for her and feel responsible for planning her actions). I am not her boyfriend anymore, we are basically not in the contact and I cannot be her shoulder for cry to get through this situation.

After my first reply, she answered again expressing how she feels in this moment and how she is preparing for the funeral.

Again, I replied and referenced to the one past behavior from her life that was very intensive and I remembered how strong was she back then. And how I am confident that she will get through this. In short - comforting message.

She replied again and told how she forgot this and thanked again with additional line that implicitly was invoking for my reply.

I didn't reply to this message and this is where the conversation ended.

[once removed]

it sounds like you handled a tricky situation well, with strong boundaries, and are being true to yourself in your actions. good for you bbs 

[Kwamina]

From a parrot to a black bird, I just want to say that I too think you handled this difficult situation extremely well

[JQ]

Blackbird,

I commend you on how well you managed this issue. You are very much aware of your triggers and confident in your ability not to get recycled standing your ground on your boundaries.    

You based your actions on your own well placed principles and gave some comfort to someone that you cared about without loosing yourself in the process.

You're a strong and confident person, you've come a very long way on your journey ... .well done. 

J

[HarleypsychRN]

Don't get sucked back in... .

"The calendar changes, they don't"- Unknown

[blackbirdsong]

Again, thank you for your support.

After her last message we didn't communicate. The thing that brings this situation to even higher level of 'awkward' is the fact that we saw each other just few days before her mom died after several months of strict NC.

Maybe that triggered her and this is a reason why she contacted me. Who knows... .

Also, she still has her profile picture (she added it 2 months ago) on social network with the motive that is very specific and significant to our r/s.

So, definitely she didn't emotionally resolved our r/s and death in the family just adds more mess to the BPD confusion.

I think I am handling this good, linear progress. I still have feelings for her. But now I know why are they there and what has caused this 'fatal attraction' and working on this in my therapy. From the start of breakup I also started mindfulness practice and this also helps... .

There are moments (every day) that I am reminded of her and good moments but now I am even more aware of bad moments and why this relationship is not sustainable with this level of emotional maturity of her.

This fact makes things easier. Not easy but easier.

I now look at this as one of the most important lessons in my life. From one point of view I am glad that it happened in my late 20's and I can continue my life with these learned lessons. I learned a lot about myself in the process and the process just started so I am convinced that there is still a lot to discover.

[zeus123]

After her message she did not communicate, all what she needed from you was a response to her text and you fall for it and now she's silent. There is nothing genuine about BPDex when they wanna contact you, it's only manipulation. Whether her mother passed away or not you shouldn't have responded knowing the nature of a borderline.

[blackbirdsong]

After her message she did not communicate, all what she needed from you was a response to her text and you fall for it and now she's silent. There is nothing genuine about BPDex when they wanna contact you, it's only manipulation. Whether her mother passed away or not you shouldn't have responded knowing the nature of a borderline.

Actually, I did not respond to her last message.

Now I am glad that I responded with my type of reply. To me, it is nice thing to do, BPD person involved or not.

I am even more content knowing that this contact didn't set me back and pulled into much of rethinking and wanting to be a knight in white armour saving her for her pain.

[zeus123]

It is great to hear that you didn't respond to her last message. Keep up the good work!