Feeling used and confused

[ateu]

I’ve had a long distance relationship with a BPD (diagnosed) for almost two years, and recently I am totally confused – it seems like I have been used because he wants a permit to stay in my country.

We met abroad and almost immediatly moved in together for 3 months. During this time – I payed for everything, since I had a good job and he was unemployed. Well, I was blind in love and he really seemed to love me - I told myself it would be temporary. I never felt so loved in a romantic relationship before. It was very intense and passionate, but also with many fights.

Fast forward. I went back home to work, and he has come here to live with me for months at a time. Still has no job and no money. And he rages when I try to talk reasonably about my economy and that he has to be responsible for himself. This always ends in him telling me that ”I only care about money, that he would give me anything if he could”. Easy to say when you are not the one who pick up the bills.

He is always very focused on his needs. He constantly asks for money to buy booze, even if we decided he shouldn’t drink. There’s always an excuse.

I feel he has no respect for my finances and constantly say "it will be different next time, I will get a job and pay for everything." Never happens. I bought him a plane ticket, and the day before he gets so drunk that he oversleep and misses the plane. And since I know he is broke, I have to buy a new one.

We have made this deal, that since we don’t see each other on months at end, we are allowed to sleep with others during this time. I have never done that, btw, because I don’t feel the need to. However he does.

Recently I have noticed that not only does he sleep with others, but he also maintains emotional relationships with others. I was suspicious, and didn’t think he told me the truth, so I went through his phone. He had kept in a ”relationship” with another girl in the same town where I live, and been telling her that he would be staying with me beacuse I bought him the ticket, but that he really came here for her. They basically had a relationship online.

I confronted him with this and he just acted like that was nothing. He said he didn’t meant what he wrote, never had anything physical with her and only maintained that relationship because he ”needed it”, he needed the love and attention because I was depressed during this period and pushed him away. I told him that this was not fair, neither to me, nor to her, and broke up with him.

”You’re gonna break up with me just because of something stupid thing I wrote?”

He really seemed to think that a four month conversation where he writes he is with me because I pay for him, that he really wants to be with her, that he doesn’t really have a partner, and that he says he is on the way of falling in love with her and wants her to come to him, is ”just something he wrote”.

When I write it like this, I am really wondering how I put up with this. And I can’t explain it. It has been such a roller coaster of drama, of guilt tripping, of economic pressure. But somehow he still makes me feel like I am the one who’s wrong. I’ve accused him of using me many times, and he just keeps asking ”I’ve done so much for you, not everything is about money”.

I broke up, but we’ve been talking as friends and keep away from emotional conversation. Even though he sometimes sends me messages that seems to imply that we will be together again. All of this while he is flirting with others on social media (and probably also in real life, he flirts with everything that walks, even gay guys).

In some way I still love him, but when I read my own story I know I have to be firm and keep my distance. I am so utterly confused, everything seems to have been twisted in a way that I should feel guilty because I don’t sort his life out and take care of all of his needs.

Long post, I just felt I needed to get it out. How can I stay sane and explain to him how I feel? He always seems to turn it around as if I am too cold to him, that's why he's with others and that I am too focused on money.

[JQ]

ate,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through what you are, but know that you're not alone. You've come to the right place because we've been where you are and have come through the other side of it.  Since this is your first post I would encourage you to read all the forums but the references at the top & to the right side of the page too ---->>>

You explain classic BPD behavior in your post with money issues in addition to blaming everything on you ... .this won't change. I would also encourage you to seek out a good therapist who has experience in BPD / Care Giver aka Codependent r/s.  They will be able to help you sort out your thoughts, feelings and emotions on everything  BPD. This will be crucial in the coming days, weeks and months ahead.

Feel free to ask questions, let us know how your feeling, what you're feeling because we're kinda of anonymous here. YOu'll find no one here that will judge you ... .   

J

[ateu]

Thank you for your reply, it's nice to know others have experienced similar things! I will seriously consider seeing a therapist! I think I need help to sort out what actually happened. It feels like I can’t trust my own judgement anymore, I don’t know where to  draw the line in this relationship – and I constantly have feelings of guilt.

I read some here, and I can see we have a lot in common. The developement of relationships seems to follow the same line in many cases. I knew he had BPD from the start, and I read a bit about it but not enough. But then again I am not sure if anyone truly can understand how it is, without first-hand experience.

Right now I have constant anxiety because I am not hearing from him. But when I hear from him I feel anxious because I know I should leave him. Bottom line is: I can see my life going downhill fast if I end up responsible for him for years, yet I feel like I somehow AM responsible for him. He has me stuck in believing I somehow "owe" him something. Everytime I have expressed I doubt the future of our relationship, he answers: "I know you would trick me".

He doesn't seem to understand that he can't decide about our relationship alone. Since the beginning he wanted me to make promises to him about the future I wasn't ready to make. He spoke in the lines of "I've decided to settle down with you, you are the one". Didn't really ask me how I felt about it - I suppose it was a big red flag.

[Icanteven]

You explain classic BPD behavior in your post with money issues in addition to blaming everything on you

There appears to be a ton of overlap between BPD behaviors and out and out psychopathy, and the money thing is definitely in the latter definition and appears to cross over to the former.  In retrospect, my wife has always been a financial leach, either to her family or to me, bouncing around between jobs, getting fired, being chronically underemployed, etc., and she has no compunction about using anyone as a piggy bank who is willing to let her. 

Also, the blame game is another thing I've dealt with throughout my marriage.  I've been at fault for things that her best friends have stopped talking to her over, and things that no one knows but would make portions of her family cease contact.  It won't get better unless there's a whole lot of treatment coming down the pike for him, and even then, no guarantees.

I know how hard that initial burst of affection and love and sex and everything is to get over.  I live it every day.  But, that's not who he is.  What you're dealing with, right now, is who he is.  If you can wrap your head around the fact that this was, unintentionally, the relationship version of a confidence trick, it might be easier to deal with.  That incredible person you first knew?  Part of the pathology.  The lout you currently know?  That's him, and the original version is never coming back even if he were to get lots and lots of therapy.

[Cat Familiar]

I know how hard that initial burst of affection and love and sex and everything is to get over.  I live it every day.  But, that's not who he is.  What you're dealing with, right now, is who he is.  If you can wrap your head around the fact that this was, unintentionally, the relationship version of a confidence trick, it might be easier to deal with.  That incredible person you first knew?  Part of the pathology.  The lout you currently know?  That's him, and the original version is never coming back even if he were to get lots and lots of therapy.

The relationship version of a confidence trick is an absolutely perfect description!

I just wanted to add my two cents to the discussion. My first husband latched onto me in a very similar way as your boyfriend, ate. (Sorry don't know how to make the umlaut over the e in your name).

I ended up supporting him and running through my savings and inheritance taking care of him. I worked extra jobs to supplement the meager income we made from the business we started together--and he never got extra work even though I begged for help. And I worked much longer hours at the business than he did and worked alone to finish projects when he walked off work angry. He seemed to feel entitled to behave that way and felt that I should support him after he quit participating in the business, and I continued to support him for nearly a year afterwards, working an additional job to do so.

He also had numerous affairs and felt I should forgive him every time.

It took years for me to get over the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and when I finally ended the relationship, I felt free and I've never had a moment of regret, other than it took me so long to pull the plug.

[JQ]

Ate,

financial issues seem to be very common with those w/BPD, it like many other things in their life are impulse control issues that are directly related to their behavioral mental illness.

First BPDgf, had a lot of money issues and spent her inheritance, "tens of thousands of dollars living like a rock star" in a matter of months with not much to show for it, that was 20 yrs ago. More recently, the 2nd exBPDgf was tens of thousands of dollars in debt with no signs of ever getting out of it and continuing to spend money like the zombie apocalypse was happing next week. 

I almost spent my life's savings pulling her out of it, until things went really bad for us. I look back on it as a blessing in disguise! I kept my life savings safe.      I did however spend a few thousands dollars because of her, for her, on her, but I look back on those as a very expensive learning lesson.  Her now ex-husband is very happy to  be free of her and the crazy life he was leading. He's now found a very "normal" woman and both are happy taking things slow and steady and his kids seem to be doing better too.

Your right, no one can fully understand BPD ... .2nd exBPDgf has spent over 25 yrs in & out of therapy with Ph.d's, Clinical Therapist / Physiologist with very little improvement and very little hope for any measure of "management" of her mental illness.  As much as I wanted it to work out, has hard as I fought for it, as much sleep I lost, money I spent, and other life trauma that came with it, there was no way I was going to repair or fix her. As much as we would like to believe, "Love does NOT conquer all".  I've accepted this and it helped me move forward a wiser person. Others have accepted the same thing and they've moved forward too ... .   

You seem to be heading down a good path on your journey Ate, learning, growing. It's only going to get better.   

J

[ateu]

Thank you for sharing your stories, it really helps to read how others have been through the same!

Icanteven, my boyfriend is also being a financial leach to his family and friends when I am not around, just like your wife. Always makes someone else pay when he’s out drinking too, asking others to give him things etc.

"The relationship version of a confidence trick" is a good way to put it. He always told me how beautiful I was, how special and how smart. Until it became: ”You you’re nothing special – you’re not as smart as you think”.

Cat familiar, I am sorry to hear you too went through the same thing. Those few times my boyfriend has been working – he complains constantly and saying ”it’s not worth it”. I also wonder why we feel we should forgive them when they cheat? He just has this way of turning it around. When I first confront him he tries to comfort me. Minutes later, when he realises it doesn’t work – he starts accusing me: ”Oh really, you’re gonna leave me for something that stupid – after I’ve been here for you all this time and everything I did for you!”. It’s strange isn’t it? Somehow I listen to him, even though it doesn’t make sense.

JQ, I am also trying to accept the fact that love doesn’t conquer all, and you are very right – especially not with a BPD. I can easily see my savings go too, that’s why I kept talking so much with him about financial responsibility and the importance of saving etc. He never gets it – it’s sinking in that he is not capable. Everytime though he manages to be responsible from time to time, it never lasts…

My feelings are so mixed. I miss him. When things were good, it was amazing. We had so much fun, such amazing chemistry, and he made me feel so loved. But I am so much calmer when I don’t constantly have to worry about him suddenly getting upset about something silly.

He could burst out in anger if I didn’t make him a tea when he had a cold, even though he hadn’t asked me. I should just know these things. He would just accuse me: "I can't believe you didn't make me a tea! You don't care about me at all!".

What else? Since I’ve been reading here I recognize so much of the FOG. I can’t believe I bought all of that. But when I look back…he would often say things like ”if you love me, would you go out and buy me a chicken?”

Or for example, one day when I had been ill, throwing up all day, he still pressured me to come with him to a party. It was always some way to justify it. ”I normally wouldn’t care, but this party is very important for me and I will be very upset if you don’t come”.

It’s just hard to face the truth, that it was all about him.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s just hard to face the truth, that it was all about him.

Very true. We want to believe all those wonderful things they say about us. We want to feel like we've found someone who really sees us and truly loves us. We want to bask in the wonderful fulfillment we found at the beginning of the relationship. We want that incredible lover to return for ever.

Unfortunately it was a fantasy that they were only capable of maintaining for just a moment in time. We want to believe otherwise, but the truth gives us freedom to analyze whether there is anything worthwhile in the relationship that would make us want to stay, or whether it's all too damaging and draining and in totality, we are being used and settling for a pittance.

[JQ]

Ate, Group,

It does help to share stories ... .it lets us know as you have learned that so many here have VERY VERY VERY similar stories.      So as I pointed out earlier, feel free to share your's when you're ready to share.  

It's ok to feel how you do and you have to ALLOW yourself to feel upset, frustrated, angry. It's OK to miss & love your BPD because for a period of time they were for a brief moment a very important part of your life. BUT you have to take away a positive from all the NEGATIVE that they brought into your life.  The thing of it is, "Pain deserves to be felt".

For me, I finally learned why I was attracted to this type of woman throughout my entire life. 2nd exBPDgf told me she was BPD and I immersed myself into everything BPD in order to better understand her. If I understood why she acted the way she did, then maybe I could fix it ... ."stereotypical codependent behavior"      Then with this site, a really good T, reading several books, I learned what BPD really was. BUUTT, more importantly I learned I had to do a deep dive on myself and that's when I learned I was a "caregiver" from my T aka "codependent".

That's half the battle ... .once I learned that, then the rest was downhill. I learned that my step mother, then step sister are both BPD and I grew up in this house and it was the reason I was the way I was. Always trying to please someone else so that I could eventually get the love i wanted, expected, but alas ... .it was never to come.

Your experiences of all the rages, manipulating you into going to a party when you certainly weren't not feeling well, among other things are certainly things we've all experienced.  My exBPDgf was fond of saying we have this amazing chemistry that I've never had before with anyone else. You make me feel special, love like no has ever done before. You have taken me to new heights I never thought possible.  And like others here, I bought that beach front property Nevada  

As Cat & you point out, it is ALL ABOUT THEM!   YOU have to KNOW there is  nothing you can do to change their behavior ... .yes some will say that DBT therapy has giving "some" measurement of forward progress. But the simple truth and fact of the matter is, that they have a SEVERE Cluster B Mental Illness. Harvard Studies among others have shown that a BPD brain is smaller then the norm and there are genetic defects that are passed down from generation to the next.  The frontal cortex that affects in part the behavior part of a person is smaller and deformed along with other parts of the brain.  Know that until there is a gene therapy that will and CAN correct this, there are only therapies and pharma treatments that will give a limited amount of "management" of the mental illness. I can send you the studies if you want if it will help you understand things better.

Knowing that, we can only work on ourselves to learn why we are the way we are, how we got here. We can learn to say no to the flying monkey's, the crazy train roller coaster and work on ourselves and a mutually caring loving relationship. Imagine how many people who will go through life blissfully ignorant to their history or trying to make sense of their life and certainly make it better then what it currently is.

I know it's hard to face the truth ... .none of us want too ... .but in the end it's what we need to do in order to make it to the next level.

You're learning quickly Ate, so tomorrow ... .get up 1/2 hour extra early ... .get a cup of tea, coffee, a Jack Daniels or your morning drink of choice     and find a spot where you know watching the sun come up will be beyond amazing and take the time to really watch it happen. Night giving way to the morning, the colors changing from black to a rainbow of pinks, yellows, oranges, blues, whites and realize that today is a start of the new day, a new week, a new month, that it is the start of a new chapter in your life and it starts that very moment!

You got this ... .and we got you!              

J  

[ateu]

JQ - what you said about dealing with your own issues really resonated with me. This is probably the key to avoid similar relationships in the future. I didn’t have a troubled childhood at all, but I see patterns in my relationships. Before my BPD, I had a boyfriend who also treated me badly. I never heard of that person having any diagnoses, but he was certainly narcissistic and a player.

Anyhow, when I met my BPD, I actually thought he reminded me of the previous ex. That should have been a major red flag, but I just figured ”I have a type”. And in the beginning my BPD seemed to be just as passionated, fun, life loving, social and charismatic person as my previous ex, just without the negatives. That is, he gave me all the attention and constantly told me how much he loved me...

I’ve read a lot here on the forum, and even though I didn’t have any BPDs around me when I was growing up – I might see myself more as the ”good child”, I always tried to be perfect and to please everybody. Seems like that me a personality trait that could make a person end up with a BPD.

I don’t know. I guess it takes a lot of self-examination to figure it out.

Thank you for making this seem a bit more like a possibility for me to get a new start, and just enjoying the peace of being able to live without the drama. I will try to focus on that. Right now, I am at a place where I get filled with emptiness, and from time to time, I can even miss the drama, the yelling. At least someone was there, and in between we loved each other.

I need to let go of those images. Thank you for your encouraging words!

[JQ]

hello Ate,

You are a very intelligent woman and as each day passes, each post you read, after every T meeting, you become more self aware, more educated on life, people!  You are on a good path of self discovery. Remember, you might not like what you find, but it's important to learn from it, and push through it and live a more fulfilling life full of happiness, joy!

You said, ”I have a type”, with help from your T, you can find out why you are attracted to those types besides that you're a codependent aka a Care Giver.  Remember that someone with BPD can also be a Narcissist, a comorbidity of NPD or any combination of several personality disorders. That frankly isn't your concern, what is your concern is to learn why you're attracted to those types, recognize it and avoid it.

Anything is possible including this new start.       YOU have to be willing to put in the homework, the daily work on yourself. I won't lie to you, it's tough at times as you point out. Sometimes I think that the drama would be better then the quite, the emptiness. BUUUUT then I play the music of the Wizard of Oz flying monkey's in my head as I think about all the drama, the raging, all the other issues and I tell myself, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? 

Take a deep breath, enjoy the moment, enjoy the quite time, enjoy the small things and things get better. It's ok to enjoy the quite times alone and I had to learn it was ok to do that.  The other relationship stuff will come in time when you least expect it. And when it does, it'll be better then you ever had, better then you can imagine right now.   

You're doing good Ate   

J