Why isn't he reaching out; what is he thinking?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So since my friend reactivated his Facebook I've been so tempted to reach out as his birthday is sometime this month before 19th, but I haven't.  I'm constantly checking my others inbox to see if he's contacted me which of course he hasn't.  Some days I'm like 'sod it; I'm an awesome person and if he can't see that I'd  be a great friend then that his loss', then other days I'm like 'why the hell hasn't he tried to contact me'.  It's so frustrating but I'm damned if I going to reach out first again.  I'm an Aries goddam it and we are stubborn Rams who don't take prisoners  

So; what the hell is he playing at; reactivating his Facebook but having it so only people can message him (no information on it, only a profile pic).  Is it to stalk people or for him to subtly let me know he's still around.  Maybe he's also thinking 'why the hell hasn't she reached out, can't she see I'm here waiting'. I'm sure he's reactivated for my intention as he doesn't do social media and when he went through a wobble last year his Facebook was up and down more than a pair of knickers.  Then when he had his depressive episode he deactivated it completely and it has been like that for six months.  He's always been stubborn, when we were kids he always dug his heels in so I know it's partly his character.

Arrghhh please help me make sense of it all.

[insideoutside]

So since my friend reactivated his Facebook I've been so tempted to reach out as his birthday is sometime this month before 19th, but I haven't.  I'm constantly checking my others inbox to see if he's contacted me which of course he hasn't.  Some days I'm like 'sod it; I'm an awesome person and if he can't see that I'd  be a great friend then that his loss', then other days I'm like 'why the hell hasn't he tried to contact me'.  It's so frustrating but I'm damned if I going to reach out first again.  I'm an Aries goddam it and we are stubborn Rams who don't take prisoners  

So; what the hell is he playing at; reactivating his Facebook but having it so only people can message him (no information on it, only a profile pic).  Is it to stalk people or for him to subtly let me know he's still around.  Maybe he's also thinking 'why the hell hasn't she reached out, can't she see I'm here waiting'. I'm sure he's reactivated for my intention as he doesn't do social media and when he went through a wobble last year his Facebook was up and down more than a pair of knickers.  Then when he had his depressive episode he deactivated it completely and it has been like that for six months.  He's always been stubborn, when we were kids he always dug his heels in so I know it's partly his character.

Arrghhh please help me make sense of it all.

[C.Stein]

Trying to make sense of the insensible will lead you down the path of frustration and confusion.  If you don't mind me asking, why is it important for you to know why he reactivated his FB profile?  Is the friend more than a friend?

[insideoutside]

Trying to make sense of the insensible will lead you down the path of frustration and confusion.  If you don't mind me asking, why is it important for you to know why he reactivated his FB profile?  Is the friend more than a friend?

I guess it's important as he simply doesn't do Facebook, Twitter etc.  When questioned previously he said it's not for him; he finds it annoying.  Although I don't think he ever fully participated in it; hence why after 4 weeks of him not speaking to me is he back on Facebook; the thing he finds annoying?

We were girlfriend/boyfriend in our late teens/early twenties and there are definitely still feelings there on my part and I'm sure on his part too but life circumstances and distance dictate that nothing more can become of just being friends.  However he has become very special to me; he makes me feel alive, like coming home.  :)oes that make sense?

[C.Stein]

I guess it's important as he simply doesn't do Facebook, Twitter etc.  When questioned previously he said it's not for him; he finds it annoying.  Although I don't think he ever fully participated in it; hence why after 4 weeks of him not speaking to me is he back on Facebook; the thing he finds annoying?

OK, but why does it matter to you what he does?  Does speculating the reasons why he did this serve a purpose for you?  Do you really need to know his reasons for doing this?

IWe were girlfriend/boyfriend in our late teens/early twenties and there are definitely still feelings there on my part and I'm sure on his part too but life circumstances and distance dictate that nothing more can become of just being friends.  However he has become very special to me; he makes me feel alive, like coming home.  :)oes that make sense?

It makes total sense to me and the reason why I asked is because your questions sound like they are coming from a jilted lover rather than a friend.  Would you agree?

[insideoutside]

I guess it's important as he simply doesn't do Facebook, Twitter etc.  When questioned previously he said it's not for him; he finds it annoying.  Although I don't think he ever fully participated in it; hence why after 4 weeks of him not speaking to me is he back on Facebook; the thing he finds annoying?

OK, but why does it matter to you what he does?  :)oes speculating the reasons why he did this serve a purpose for you?  :)o you really need to know his reasons for doing this?

IWe were girlfriend/boyfriend in our late teens/early twenties and there are definitely still feelings there on my part and I'm sure on his part too but life circumstances and distance dictate that nothing more can become of just being friends.  However he has become very special to me; he makes me feel alive, like coming home.  :)oes that make sense?

It makes total sense to me and the reason why I asked is because your questions sound like they are coming from a jilted lover rather than a friend.  Would you agree?

I'm not sure why I need to know really and unsure what purpose this would serve.   And it's me who is the unavailable one as I am married and no longer live in my hometown so I dont feel jilted; I do feel slighted though as I tried to be a really good friend to him and tried to support and encourage him.  Someone did say perhaps his ST is a punishment because I can't be available to him as he wound like.  I don't know; just seems a shame if that's what he is doing as I will always be his friend if he needs me.

[C.Stein]

I'm not sure why I need to know really and unsure what purpose this would serve.   And it's me who is the unavailable one as I am married and no longer live in my hometown so I dont feel jilted; I do feel slighted though as I tried to be a really good friend to him and tried to support and encourage him.  Someone did say perhaps his ST is a punishment because I can't be available to him as he wound like.  I don't know; just seems a shame if that's what he is doing as I will always be his friend if he needs me.

I understand how it feels to be rejected ... .it sucks big time and can really mess with your head.  As you well know, pwBPD will do what they want, when they want, even if they don't really know why they are doing it.   This is not something you can control.  He will reach out when he is ready.

Do you think maybe this might be a good opportunity for you to examine your own feelings and motivations here?  As an outsider looking in it feels like you see this relationship as something more than friends.  You seem to be placing a lot of importance on understanding the motivation for his FB reactivation, specifically if it has something to do with you and to the point of where you are almost obsessively checking your email for contact from him.

I know I am asking some pretty hard questions here but sometimes the hard questions are the most important ones to answer.   Now I am going to ask a really hard question.  How do you think all the thought and energy you are putting into this is impacting your marriage?

[once removed]

on the issue of "not doing social media"... .

people with BPD lack a stable sense of self. values, interests, hobbies, opinions, beliefs, etc, are prone to change. this isnt to say he didnt mean it at the time, only that it may have changed. as far as discerning his reasoning for reactivating his facebook, thats probably about as far as youll get.

[insideoutside]

I know what my thoughts and feelings are and the reason why it's important to me; validation.  I've mentioned in a previous post that I have rejection and abandonment issues so I'm guessing I'm looking for validation that he did actually care about me.  As we are just friends this isn't a typical ending; there was no violence or screaming, no devaluing.  I lost my temper when he moved the goalposts for the umpteenth time and said some things I regret as I knew it would p!ss him off.  I apologised; he said he accepted it but to leave it alone and there's been NC from him in over a month.

My marriage is ok; we've had issues in the past (he left me and had an affair) so in my mind I'm doing nowhere near as bad as anything he did, plus my husband is aware that I was back in contact with my friend and that I said I'd be there for him if he ever needed me.  Not a lot he could say to that consider he is paying child support for a child conceived when he had his affair.

The bottom line is; I value his friendship.  We click. Unfortunately when I lost my temper I didn't realise he may have BPD until my counsellor suggested it.  I knew he had bipolar.