getting over breakup with BPD girlfriend - false DV charge~

[sacredG]

Just getting out of a one year relationship with BPD girlfriend.it has left my life in shambles.she filed trumped up domestic abuse charles has anyone delt with this sort of thing desperitly need help and support.

[Turkish]

What's going on with the charges? Can you tell us more?

[sacredG]

I came home and she was there with a random guy.things escalated and he assulted me.i ran outside and had a neighbor call the police.they arrived in minuts and arrested the guy that assulted me.this must have really pissed off my ex because she made up a crazy story about how i was beating her and her friend was just defending her.since it was her word against mine i was arrested for domestic violence.but i assure you i have never laid a hand on her in fact i was the only one with injuries.i went to court but she didnt show up so it was moved to a few weeks from now.i still have to get all of my belongings out of the apartment we shared.

[Turkish]

What kind of documentation do you have, or just the police report? Photos of your injuries? If you can't afford and attorney, can you ask for reoresentation? Though it may look dire now, it's generally thought that coping a plea isn't good, as it's on your record permanently.

[ForeverDad]

Yes, don't ever admit to anything you never did.  If you get a plea deal offer, understand that they're offered to perps (perpetrators) who are usually guilty of a number of offenses and so a deal to reduce the charges (and free up the court's time) is very enticing to perps.  Generally a plea deal involves admitting some level of Guilt which could go on your record for many years.  You're not a perp.  Maintain your innocence.

That she didn't show up indicates she may not show up at the next hearing either.  If she fails to appear this next time, then ask for the case to be dismissed.  Until then I would suggest you keep a low profile and not trigger her to appear.  The temp order probably already tells you not to contact her, so stay away, totally.

It's also possible she made those claims so her other guy would be less likely to face conviction.  Her defending him may have weakened the charges he faced.  Were they dropped?

Is the apartment in your name or jointly?

While you will have to stay away during the order, if it isn't dismissed soon, then ask the court how to get your personal belongings.  Generally it is done by asking the police to accompany you to retrieve them.  If she does appear in court then you can ask the court to instruct her to return them (make sure you hand the court a list or else she may later claim they were never there).  Never go alone or without solid witnesses.  Going with an officer is the best protection.

Sometimes we have to accept the loss of some property in order to survive to another day.  Court is not about fairness or justice.  It's foremost a judicial system, not a justice system.

[Moselle]

SacredG,

Hang in there. My ex has filed 4 of them. On the first one, my lawyer tried to get me to accept a plea deal. In the heat of the moment it was tempting, however I had prepared well and said " No way. I'm ready. Lets go to court" Her lawyer tried to postpone because she wasnt prepared. Judge told her to get lost as it was her client's application and she should have prepared. They ended up withdrawing rather than face the rather pissed off judge.

My advice- get the best lawyer you can afford, prepare with character references and any dirt you have on her.

Also play it down. My ex thought I wasn't going to pitch up and defend. Her face was priceless when I did.

Oh and I echo Forever D. No plea. Good luck

PS DV 2,3 and 4 were also exposed as BS

[ForeverDad]

Background research:  It's possible you're not the first one to face her allegations.  It might be worth a search to determine whether she's done this before.  If she has a history of allegations then it may weaken her latest claim and indicate she may be misusing the system to protect victims/targets.

Have you accepted that the relationship is toast, that it is 100% over?  Have you accepted that she is an adult and gets to make her life choices, even if not with you?  Then one stance you can take in court is that you have decided the relationship is over and won't be back again.  Court and officials will be more likely to help those determined not to return.  They're less likely to help those who keep calling the police and make the court a place for revolving door litigants.  (Of course, don't show animosity.  Be a person who wants to Move On with his life - elsewhere.)

She probably described you to the other guy as an abusive bf or ex.  A typical BPD perspective (via contorted mental gymnastics) is that ALL ending or ended relationships were abusive.  Why?  Theirs is a Blaming or Blame-Shifting disorder.  Never can the relationship's failure be their fault.  So we get blamed, often vehemently.  As much as we were idolized before, now we're demonized.  Their perceptions are of one extreme or the other.  Black or white, all or nothing, good or evil, all based on distorted perspective and rewritten history.

Oh, and be thankful you never had children with her.  You can walk away without being tied to her for the next two decades.

[sanemom]

Background research:  It's possible you're not the first one to face her allegations.  It might be worth a search to determine whether she's done this before.  If she has a history of allegations then it may weaken her latest claim and indicate she may be misusing the system to protect victims/targets.

Have you accepted that the relationship is toast, that it is 100% over?  Have you accepted that she is an adult and gets to make her life choices, even if not with you?  Then one stance you can take in court is that you have decided the relationship is over and won't be back again.  Court and officials will be more likely to help those determined not to return.  They're less likely to help those who keep calling the police and make the court a place for revolving door litigants.  (Of course, don't show animosity.  Be a person who wants to Move On with his life - elsewhere.)

She probably described you to the other guy as an abusive bf or ex.  A typical BPD perspective (via contorted mental gymnastics) is that ALL ending or ended relationships were abusive.  Why?  Theirs is a Blaming or Blame-Shifting disorder.  Never can the relationship's failure be their fault.  So we get blamed, often vehemently.  As much as we were idolized before, now we're demonized.  Their perceptions are of one extreme or the other.  Black or white, all or nothing, good or evil, all based on distorted perspective and rewritten history.

Oh, and be thankful you never had children with her.  You can walk away without being tied to her for the next two decades.

This is where I wish this was facebook and I could like, like, like everything that is being said here.

[Turkish]

Accepting the relationship is over is the key to keeping you safe. A kid I youth mentored got into a relationship with a probable BPD woman. She attacked him, but he was arrested. The female arresting officer was visibly frustrated given that she was required to arrest him.

The girl wanted to drop the charges, the prosecutor didn't. He ended up spending a few months in jail... .While the young woman was pregnant with their son. He got out, they were together. I invited him over for a few late night beer counseling sessions. He was having the usual communication issues and her controlling jealousy behaviors. I tried counseling him on BPD (She was molested, she cut). He was stuck. Haven't heard from him in months, but I still don't think he's safe, nor will ever be.

[ForeverDad]

My lawyer told me these examples.  He had a client who drove the interstate highway to and from work.  His order said not to go within 1000 feet or so of his ex.  Well, she worked in a building near the interstate and she claimed he was violating the order by driving past in the limited access highway.

Another client, described as nice but clueless, had a contrived restraining order against him but his divorce decree said he had to deliver wood to his ex's home.  So he was required to do something that his other order prohibited.  He would have been better just not doing it (better to violate by inaction rather than by action) but since she needed wood, he delivered it.  Maybe it would have worked if he had someone else deliver it, I don't know.  His reward for compliance with the divorce decree?  He was jailed for the violation of the other order. :'(

This is a problem with one-sided orders.  It would have been best if you could convince the court that without any finding then BOTH of you should stay away from each other.  At least that would have put you on somewhat equal footing.

Regarding that last paragraph, I wrote that because most orders generally treat one as the aggressor and the other as the target or victim.  If you do end up facing an order anyway based on her unsubstantiated claims, then a last ditch solution could be to ask the court to order you BOTH to stay away from each other.  Effectively it appears the same, but it puts her under the same restrictions as you.  Why?  Besides making the order an equal stay away order, there's a real possibility she may reach out to you (contrite), try to get you to violate the order and then report you (when triggered/angered again).  With her also required to keep her distance then it can be a protection for you.

[sacredG]

Thank you everton for the feedback.the apartment is in both our names but since there is a temp order of production i will have to get an officer to accompany me.i go to court wednesday i really dont see her showining up because she is not very good at sleeping any kind of apointment.i am definitly done with this relationship this was a huve wakeup call i was not happy and the constant lies and cheating were never going to stop.this has been a nightmare but i still manage to think about her all the time Its going to take al of of work to heal from this relationship.last time in court the judge gold me she has to be there when i go with the officer and i am really trading seeing her it makes me physically sick.i will let everyone know how it goes.hopefully im in and out and there is no conflict.please keep me in prayers.