How to keep calm long term

[BowlOfPetunias]

For the past few months, I have been somewhat successful in not matching my wife's anger with my own.  I have also had success with validating.

Recently, however, she has started falling back into some of her rage behavior, and I find it difficult to remember to validate her emotions and keep calm.

This weekend, we were driving with our two kids and my son's friend.  There were arguments going on between my wife, son, and daughter, so I was already tense.  I was using GPS, and it told me to take a right.  I pointed out the no right turn sign, but then noticed that the pavement had a lane painted for right-hand turns.  I said that this design was stupid.  She then took this as criticism of her!  Fortunately, I did not react to strongly, but I was unable to do anything about the raging fight between her and the kids.

She fell back into another pattern this week.  My son says he really appreciates my role in defending him against his mother's rage.  That does not mean, however, that he will obey me.  I try and try to get him to do his homework, but he always says "I'm coming" and does not come to do it.  He will go to watch TV when I explicitly tell him not to.  This happened while my wife was out of the house this weekend.  When she got home, she started to blow up at me for not being able to control him--when she can't do any better.  Again, I found it very hard to stay calm and not fight back in self defense.  (I also explained to my son that it is very hard for me to defend him if he refuses to improve his behavior when I try to get him to do his homework/clean his room/etc. without the abusive behavior exhibited by his mother.)  She did later apologize for taking it out on me.

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[once removed]

hi BowlOfPetunias  

i find that a great deal of what helps these relationships, any relationship really, is an acceptance of who your partner is. this leads to depersonalization, even when behavior toward you is hurtful, and it leads to far less tension on your end.

youre improving a lot of things on your end already - your wife is criticizing you in the face of it. getting ourselves on a sure footing, being objective, and open, but confident in our own actions goes a long way toward depersonalizing someone elses criticism. being objective and open informs that confidence. it sure doesnt hurt when you get an apology as you did, but odds are, one of you is better equipped to deal with stress.

have you had the opportunity to read about Radical Acceptance? i think youve made great strides toward reaching it.

i have virtually no experience in setting boundaries when it comes to parenting, and children, im hoping others can chime in on that subject