On verge of divorce, feeling very lost within myself, lost my therapist

[blackbirdfly]

Has anyone experienced an improvement in their relationship after years of drama and trouble? Do things ever work out? Is it possible to find a way out of the labyrinth? If not, have people successfully rebuilt their lives?




In a nutshell, my life is a semi-mess. There are moments of recovery, genuine happiness and fulfillment and then it gets dumped upside down so quickly that I didn't even notice when it started happening.

Throughout these challenging situations that blend together to form the life I'm living, I'm desperately trying to use vulcan logic to clear a path for myself as a lifeline when things are a confusing twilight zone.

I was told I have complex ptsd from childhood living with parents who have descended into full blown hoarding and my extended family is completely fragmented. The after effects have caused me to become an extremely extremely extremely sensitive person who falls into rages at certain invalidating triggers. I feel deeply abandoned and frustrated at the familial dynamics that continue to affect my life. Oddly enough, I've also become a very strong willed dedicated person who likes to face things head on and talk about difficult issues, I feel very safe in doing so because I can "see" the issue. Unspoken-elephant-in-the-room dynamics are not something I can accept at this stage of my life. It feels very dangerous to me, I feel comforted by talking out the problems so there is a game plan for addressing and understanding the problem. Unfortunately, my entire family escapes into denial, workaholism, hoarding; anything to avoid looking at themselves and the broken family system. There is distrust of therapists and a long history of personal trauma that was left untreated.

Many issues remain unresolved to this day.

I'm 31 now and I'm on the verge of divorce from a 11 year marriage. I'm so confused because this man is able to incredibly support me in some ways but is completely unable to empathize with me. Sometimes I think he exhibits narcissism and I was told by both my therapist, his therapist and our two couples counseling therapists that we are in a co-dependent relationship (big surprise.) I believe he wants me to be helpless to a certain degree so he can feel powerful. I've matured beyond the confused 18 year old I once was but parts of that person are still deeply ingrained within me, the sensitivity and triggers and my strong resentment to double standards. In this way, I feel like I have symptoms of BPD even though my therapist has told me she doesn't believe me to have BPD but complex ptsd. In my opinion, there are many overlaps between BPD and complex ptsd and the effects of having this disordered thinking are almost identical.

I'm looking for insight into my situation. I have a natural tendency to blame myself for everything that goes wrong, I was scapegoated in the family and played the hero for so long that I naturally allow people to heap the blame on me if it makes things better. In a weird way, it DOES make things better but only for other people. Other family members are absolutely fine moving on in their lives in their own dysfunctional way without addressing the bigger picture of why we aren't coming together as family to celebrate life and move forward. I cannot thrive in these circumstances. I fall deeper into a pit of despair and it makes me much more emotionally sensitive.

My husband is such an alien psychological entity to me. He has almost too much self-esteem to the point of unhealthy narcissism and in times of distress, he is able to blame everyone and excuse himself entirely (reminds me of my father.) I've in the past retaliated against his mentality in very immature ways. I recognize that. My frustration is justified, my methods of conveying it were not.

I've also learned this horrible habit of being completely lost in my angry melodramatic emotions and I do genuinely feel suicidal in those moments of complete despair with no way out. I wish I could be cool-headed and centered within the worst situations but I feel like nobody will ever understand me and as if life is constructed to drive me insane. I don't want to disassociate or medicate my feelings or run to emotional intimacy with other new people (I have a tendency to fawn) to make up for lack of emotional intimacy with my parents and sibling and husband. I recognize that when I feel old family patterns playing out, I repress until I lash out and explode and then I feel ashamed and begin to feel that everything is permanently broken and I build a wall between myself and the people. I worry I'm doomed to always being the "lesser one" whatever that means. I see people making excuses and defending anyone but me. Not all my relationships are like this. With certain people, communication flows and is easy and with others, it is a massive struggle. Isn't this life though? Don't we always have these communication patterns? My husband is able to maintain many professional relationships that are not very deep but valuable as a network. I take things personally and do not feel confident in what I have to offer and even though I do fairly well, I am far from being as successful as my husband. I have my own strange ways of getting things done that can be vastly improved upon.

I was told I don't have BPD but I find that treatment for BPD helps relieve human mental suffering in general and I am drawn to reading about BPD just as much as I am drawn to reading about complex ptsd.

In the latest series of arguments with my husband which ended with more talks of suicide and divorce, my husband reached out to my therapist and exaggerated and misinformed which resulted in my therapist overreacting and calling the police which was very embarrassing and she later apologized and admitted she acted impulsively but the damage was done. Not only do we fight a lot already, now we had three police cars show up. This made me not trust my therapist's judgement and I terminated therapy even though it was helping. Then my husband began claiming that my many months of therapy was making me worse when I felt like it was helping me. I don't know how it is possible to use beneficial therapy as a weapon in senseless fighting but he managed to do just that. His desire to feel right outweighs any desire to feel empathy and compassion to my suffering (which he likes to claim I exaggerate and prolong.)

Am I wrong for trying to fix underlying family dynamics? I am definitely 100% wrong in my reactions to anger and frustration and for the ways I express my suicidal ideation in times of extreme distress. I wonder if do it for attention, it seems like the only time people care about me is when things are very very very bad and I feel like suicide is a welcome end to this emotional roller coaster since I may never ever get the familial relationships I so desperately desire. My parents and sibling and husband don't support in the millions of tiny ways that add up. It's only in crisis mode that anyone even notices my existence. If I work my ass off to be happy and create a happy home, I get zero acknowledgement and appreciation. Every cell in my body craves validation that I never got from my family despite many sacrifices on my behalf. It's like my family is hardwired to invalidate me.

I feel like the drama of this back and forth accusatory senseless conflict is keeping everyone from developing and progressing in their personal growth and toward their personal life goals. I admire families who have gone through tragedy and grown stronger, I often watch videos of their interactions and it never ceases to amaze me how maturely they can approach any difficulty. They don't catastrophize, they don't hide from complex emotional situations that feel uncomfortable, they ask each other how they feel, they're so beautifully validating and nurturing and accepting. It's soul affirming to watch their authentic loving displays of affection and connection to one another.

I worry I won't ever be able to receive this kind of validation and sense of belonging and that I'm doomed to be invalidated forever. I worry that I must relinquish any sense of self to appease family if I have any hope of talking to them. I worry that I have to leave the life I spent a decade building, that had its good times too, because I will forever be blamed for everything by a partner who seems completely comfortable ignoring my emotional needs. I can't "just get over it, move on" if I'm constantly reminded of everything I never had as other people are getting love and support and acceptance and understanding. And if I ask for the same, I'm demonized as weak or demanding. I feel completely spent emotionally supporting other people, from friends to family, that when I become angry and resentful and bitter for not receiving anything in return, I get labeled as selfish or crazy. It feels like I don't even exist and that I'm a ghost somehow and other people take credit for my contributions but other people's mistakes are shoved toward me as mine. It's very difficult to feel cause and effect, I can't see up from down within my family. Outside my family, I can see cause and effect. I can see improvements and accomplishments. Things happen and progress is made. Inside the family system, I feel like I don't exist.

I basically can't tell anymore if I'm crazy for my "demands." I don't think I'm crazy, I think I am easily triggered into very angry outbursts and I do go on rants like some of the BPD stories but I'm trying to connect and explain how I see the situation from my perspective and I'm hoping to fix relationships. And when I am invalidated, I get angry and the anger escalates and spirals. I am not always angry though, I have friends who never provoke any rage. But of course, friendships are not as challenging as family or marriage. There are limited shared expectations within friendships, not as much at stake, very little need to compromise in a well-paired friendship.

I went on for too long in this introduction. I wonder if anyone will read this. In summary, you've witnessed the extent of my babbling and I feel very alone and worried now that I don't have my therapist who was good enough for me despite what my husband said about her and despite her bad call. Lesson learned, if you're feeling suicidal, don't talk about it? Is that a lesson? I don't know anymore.

Is every relationship codependent to a degree? How do people move past years of hurt and mistakes and immaturity? Are we supposed to accept that we'll never get the emotional nourishing we crave? Is it better to be on your own and focus on personal emotional health and spirituality or is that giving up? Is that the easy way out? I feel like I don't know anything anymore.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Eyeamme]

Hi blackbird fly,

BREATHE! You are going to be ok.  Others will chime in but I couldn't read your heartfelt post and not respond.  Remember to BREATHE.

[lbjnltx]

Hi blackbirdfly,

Welcome to the site, we are so happy that you are here and telling us your story.

The Saving a Relationship board is a good place to begin to gain some footing and figure out what you want to achieve in regards to the troubles in your marriage.

We have another board... .Coping and Healing where you can read and post in regards to your family of origin (FOO).

lbjnltx

[blackbirdfly]

Thank you, wow, this place is incredible. I wish I found it sooner.

I guess it takes hitting near rock bottom to find the right kind of help.

Reading everyone else's stories is making me have eureka moments since I joined.

[livednlearned]

Hi blackbirdfly,

Welcome and hello 

I felt the same way when I joined. You have a lot of insight into your family of origin, as well as your marriage, and into your own dynamics too. That's a good sign 

About the need to feel validated. It's hard because we expect the people who hurt us will heal us, and they either can't, won't, or don't. That means it's up to us, and that's hard work when we ourselves feel damaged. I think it's easier when our loved ones validate us, no doubt about that. I also think we can learn to validate ourselves -- a tougher road, perhaps. Though when you walk that road and finally get to a good place, you're suddenly connected to a much deeper, more meaningful, empathetic existence because you did it, you made it.

I trust in the faint voice inside that seems knowing. In messed up families, that voice can get pretty faint if not silenced. Healing is about learning to listen better, and trust yourself.

There are some really good skills here that will help a lot. You might want to find a copy of High-Conflict Couple by Alan Fruzetti. It's a good book for any couple caught in a dynamic of arguing and feeling hurt, whether you're BPD, NPD, codependent, c-PTSD. Dialing down the conflict might make it easier to listen to that voice.

Are you two talking about divorce? Filing papers? Or is it more that you feel tired and divorce is feeling like the one option to get some peace?

[Grey Kitty]

That sounds like a LOT to deal with. 

One part that jumped out was your comment that the therapy seemed to be helping you and your H said it was making things worse.

I think you are right... .and that his response is to be expected.

Doing better in a codependent relationship means not doing the codependent things that you used to do. While it is healthier, the other person finds it incredibly stressful, and doesn't like it one bit.

You lost trust in your therapist, so terminating that sounds right to me.

It *was* helping. Are you looking for a new individual therapist? I think that would help you a great deal if you can find a better one. Especially one who is familiar with CPTSD. Now you know what skills and experience to look for in a therapist.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey blackbird, Theseus found his way out of the labyrinth, according to Greek myth, by unrolling a spool of thread, given to him by Ariadne, on his way in to kill the Minotaur.  In similar fashion, the way out of the BPD cave, in my view, involves picking up and following the symbolic "thread" of one's life.  You could say that the "thread" is one's authentic self that often gets lost in the throes of a BPD r/s.  Find your way out by returning to the person you are at your core, is my suggestion.

LuckyJim 

[blackbirdfly]

Livdnlearned- I'm slowly realizing, no matter how unfair it feels, that I won't receive the validation that I crave. Maybe in bits and pieces here and there, the double standards and gaslighting is always going to be there to create a confusing fog. Maybe I need to stop seeking it entirely and focus on making myself the person I wish I could talk to and be around. Sometimes it makes me so angry that I devote a lot of energy to becoming a better person FOR others to be around and they don't care about doing the same for me. It's like I'm an emotional dumping ground. I definitely do it to others too though but I feel like I care so much more about relationship dynamics, psychology and communication than anyone else. Everyone else seems completely content to keep the status quo. I bought the book High Conflict Couple and we're trying to create space. One things we've both learned is that we can simply walk away from an escalating conversation where emotions are building for almost no reason. This is helping a lot. I feel like we have a lot of potential in our marriage but we're so emotionally mismatched, his issues make my issues worse and my issues get practically no empathy so that they can heal. I'm fully taking charge of my recovery though and I'm realizing I have to be happy with my progress even if he doesn't see the massive changes I'm making internally. For some reason, my positive changes annoy him instead of make him happy. He doesn't view it as progress, he views my cptsd as something that should never have existed in the first place. His annoyance at my parents is directed at ME and he complains mostly about how my cptsd makes HIM feel like he has cptsd. I wish he was more capable of empathy, I remember when I went to therapy, how shocked I was at the amount of validation and acceptance I got. I'd never before experienced that. Thank you for your encouragement, livednlearned.

GreyKitty - I am looking for a new therapist. I feel like every phase of my recovery has been with a different therapist for some reason. Each has contributed to something very important and now I mostly want to work on my reactions to my emotions and my frustration/anger at the flashbacks in cptsd. I want to focus on coping skills because I feel like I talked everything out and I understand the dynamics. I want to move forward building strong skills rather than keep rehashing all the ways my family failed and continues to fail me. I want to start being happy about what I do have and what I can have rather than hoping things will change and I'll somehow magically have family members who acknowledge their mistakes and become allies instead of scapegoating. Thank you so much for your support, Grey Kitty.

Lucky Jim - I love this analogy, I'm focusing on finding my way through the illogical back and forth battle of our emotional ineptitudes where my thread is getting tangled and stuck. Goal One: When in a hole, stop digging. Thanks for your wisdom, Lucky Jim.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm fully taking charge of my recovery though and I'm realizing I have to be happy with my progress even if he doesn't see the massive changes I'm making internally.

Keep up the good work!

For some reason, my positive changes annoy him instead of make him happy. He doesn't view it as progress, he views my cptsd as something that should never have existed in the first place. His annoyance at my parents is directed at ME and he complains mostly about how my cptsd makes HIM feel like he has cptsd. I wish he was more capable of empathy

I don't know if it will help you to hear this, but his experience is pretty "normal" here.

When you make progress, you tend to stop playing into the patterns the two of you have... .patterns where your core wounds and his interact, and while they are unpleasant and unhealthy, they do provide some relief and stability. You've taken that away from him.

It is pretty much unavoidable that he will find this experience uncomfortable.

And his ways of coping with those uncomfortable feelings is to direct them at you.

So... .as for today... .his limited capacity for empathy isn't going to change much, if at all.

Hang in there and keep working at it--this will be good for you, no matter what.

It also provides him a golden opportunity to address his own issues in a new, better, and healthier way, and stay with you while he does it. He may not take it... .that is his choice. Even if he does, it will be a bumpy road. Still, the possibility is real.

I want to start being happy about what I do have and what I can have rather than hoping things will change and I'll somehow magically have family members who acknowledge their mistakes and become allies instead of scapegoating.

Hope tries to spring eternal, doesn't it? Meanwhile, can you make the sort of "family" you want from people who didn't start out in your biological family? Those people do exist, although it takes time and energy to find them and build that kind of relationship!

[Bushido]

Has anyone experienced an improvement in their relationship after years of drama and trouble? Do things ever work out? Is it possible to find a way out of the labyrinth? If not, have people successfully rebuilt their lives?

First of all... .thank you for your story...

i myself am in similar circumstances as you ...

i´m 33 years old , been in a relationship for 18 years (married for 10)

and we have 4 kids.

Right now divorce is imminent (not by my choice)

and so these questions of yours apply to me as well.

how it will work out. . . we will see...

i wish you all the best... .and you stay strong!

we will find our way!

[blackbirdfly]

Bushido,

I've been thinking a lot about your situation (even though I haven't replied).

You're very strong and courageous and yes, we will find our way.

Today my husband comes home after two weeks away and I'm convinced all the research and preparation I've done will make things better (to some degree).

I've read the following books which have been immensely helpful:

1. The Anatomy of Peace

2. Verbal Judo

3. Leaving Loneliness

4. Codependent No More

5. Mindsight

I realize you have four kiddos and time will be limited but listening to the audiobook versions while I clean/cook/drive/workout has given me invaluable insight and direction in the past month.

Sending lots of healing vibes your way and to everyone else on this forum!