Bad day - broke NC again

[Depression = 72% of members]

Dam I'm hurting today, been almost exactly a year since my exBPDgf suddenly left me in a heart beat for her work buddy, 4 years and out dreams discarded over night after I caught her cheating... literally changed into somebody I had never met once I had caught her out, a year on and she seems very happy with my replacement... she was so so cruel to me at the end when all I gave her was love and compassion throughout the relationship, I was good to her and loved her and would never have left her side... anyway... had a peek at her fb today for the first time in months, seen she is still with my replacement and they are on holiday having a great time together... she looks really well and happy... im crushed... .im far from ok and very lonely and not been with another woman since my exBPD ripped out my soul... the shocking behaviour and the way she just cut off completely after four years haunts me... its scary she could do  that, after all we had been through... words can't explain and after a year of reading about BPD although it makes it all make sense as much as it can but my head still races sometimes trying to fathom how, somebody i loved so much and was so sure was not going to leave me could suddenly become so evil and replace me like that... it was so scary... days before she split me black for good and became satan she was saying how much she loved me and how happy she is and that she wanted us to have children soon... then im thrown in the trash and told she will put a restraining order on me if I go anywhere near her work or out home (her home as I left instantly upon finding out she had cheated on me and witnessed an evil individual I had never met in the whole four years) the mask slipped slightly throughout out relationship and her mental illness was very apparent but what I seen and how I was treated after four years of giving my heart and soul to this girl was truely truely beyond words and shocking ill never ever forget her... maybe my replacement will last longer than me who knows but all I do know is that they break you and take a bit of you day by day untill you are a desperate shell of a person... then they throw you in the trash like you never existed... no closure... no empathy... no remorse... no nothing... I never heard from her again... .all i got to see was her and my replacement happy photos on fb before we blocked and her relationship status changed to in one with him and dated prior to us breaking up, killed me man... I wonder if she ever thinks about me, she knows I'm a good hearted person and loved her yet tried to destroy me literally... im in a better place but its still hard, maybe if i meet somebody new it will help me forget about what i thought was the love of my life at the time despite her BPD being a problem, but yeh... she haunts my thoughts... its like she has supernatural powers, im history anyway... but i just sit and think sometimes... wonder if she thinks about me... wonder if she misses me... wonder if im thought of at all... i suppose she had to completly erase me from her mind because she knows how utterly evil and cruel she treated me when i was nothing but kind to her... she has to live with that and all her other victims she suddenly cut and run from... I MUST STOP LOOKING AT HER FB... its just out of curiosity to see if they has broken up yet, but they still look happy and everything looks rosey... ill never get that closure i deserved so needed to get that off my chest today, thanks to whoever is listening just venting

[Rickybee]

Dam I'm hurting today, been almost exactly a year since my exBPDgf suddenly left me in a heart beat for her work buddy, 4 years and out dreams discarded over night after I caught her cheating... literally changed into somebody I had never met once I had caught her out, a year on and she seems very happy with my replacement... she was so so cruel to me at the end when all I gave her was love and compassion throughout the relationship, I was good to her and loved her and would never have left her side... anyway... had a peek at her fb today for the first time in months, seen she is still with my replacement and they are on holiday having a great time together... she looks really well and happy... im crushed... .im far from ok and very lonely and not been with another woman since my exBPD ripped out my soul... the shocking behaviour and the way she just cut off completely after four years haunts me... its scary she could do  that, after all we had been through... words can't explain and after a year of reading about BPD although it makes it all make sense as much as it can but my head still races sometimes trying to fathom how, somebody i loved so much and was so sure was not going to leave me could suddenly become so evil and replace me like that... it was so scary... days before she split me black for good and became satan she was saying how much she loved me and how happy she is and that she wanted us to have children soon... then im thrown in the trash and told she will put a restraining order on me if I go anywhere near her work or out home (her home as I left instantly upon finding out she had cheated on me and witnessed an evil individual I had never met in the whole four years) the mask slipped slightly throughout out relationship and her mental illness was very apparent but what I seen and how I was treated after four years of giving my heart and soul to this girl was truely truely beyond words and shocking ill never ever forget her... maybe my replacement will last longer than me who knows but all I do know is that they break you and take a bit of you day by day untill you are a desperate shell of a person... then they throw you in the trash like you never existed... no closure... no empathy... no remorse... no nothing... I never heard from her again... .all i got to see was her and my replacement happy photos on fb before we blocked and her relationship status changed to in one with him and dated prior to us breaking up, killed me man... I wonder if she ever thinks about me, she knows I'm a good hearted person and loved her yet tried to destroy me literally... im in a better place but its still hard, maybe if i meet somebody new it will help me forget about what i thought was the love of my life at the time despite her BPD being a problem, but yeh... she haunts my thoughts... its like she has supernatural powers, im history anyway... but i just sit and think sometimes... wonder if she thinks about me... wonder if she misses me... wonder if im thought of at all... i suppose she had to completly erase me from her mind because she knows how utterly evil and cruel she treated me when i was nothing but kind to her... she has to live with that and all her other victims she suddenly cut and run from... I MUST STOP LOOKING AT HER FB... its just out of curiosity to see if they has broken up yet, but they still look happy and everything looks rosey... ill never get that closure i deserved so needed to get that off my chest today, thanks to whoever is listening just venting

[Rickybee]

I know he must have seen a lot of the insanity by now, he must think his love will help her... he is being her savour like i did... she played the victim no doubt and lied about the circumstances of me and her to him... its so unfair because I was just an innocent victim... feels so demoralising to have been threatened with a police restraining order as soon as she discarded me... I'm not a violent person... i think she hated that i was such a calm respectful person because she was so unstable and vicious... anyway

[Icanteven]

thanks to whoever is listening just venting

My wife left our young children and me behind out of the blue.  I know relationship experts say things like that rarely happen "out of the blue," but we were in the middle of selling our home and talking about having another child in the same week she left.  She hasn't spoken to the kids once and she and I have essentially gone no contact. 

It feels good to vent.  For me it's cathartic just to write on these boards.  You are not alone.  One of the ways I've kept my own sanity is to remind myself that my wife is mentally ill and this is her mental illness at work; a normal human being wouldn't abandon her family via text message.  In your case, a normal human being wouldn't be in a relationship with you for four years and leave you for someone else overnight.

I know how you feel about not being able to be with other partners;  I've had several chances to take advantage of my new-found bachelor-ness, and in every case I couldn't even gather the energy to bother.

Like you, I'm wondering when it's going to get better.  But, I've gotta focus on my kids and myself and remember that she's a human, that if she's really done with our family and our marriage she's going to move on, and that there's not a thing I can do about it.  I control me and that's it. 

The flip side is, that in both of our cases, our former loves' new partners are going to be faced with the same situation we were in at some point, and all the heartbreak that goes therewith.  It's not cold comfort and it's not wishing ill on them, it's just that these are adults with deeply-ingrained behavioral patterns whether they be mentally ill or not; the mental illness is just gas on the fire. 

There's a ton of us here in the same shoes.  You're not alone.

[steelwork]

Rickybee, I'm sorry to hear it's all so raw and confusing still.

"the mask slipped slightly throughout out relationship and her mental illness was very apparent... ."

Maybe this is something you still need to process--the dysfunction of the relationship you had?

[C.Stein]

all I do know is that they break you and take a bit of you day by day untill you are a desperate shell of a person... then they throw you in the trash like you never existed... no closure... no empathy... no remorse... no nothing... I never heard from her again

I totally get it Ricky and at almost 10 months out I still struggle a lot with the emotional aftermath of this relationship.  The end for me was very similar, being essentially replaced months before being thrown away like trash.  It was like we never existed as a couple or that she ever had any feelings for me at all.   Everything she once felt for me was given to my replacement and there was nothing left for me AT ALL.  

Being treated like a replaceable object by someone you deeply love and thought felt the same for you cuts and damages you to your core.  It has been the most confusing and painful thing I have ever had to deal with in my life.   I know it will eventually get better and it will for you too but I can't help but wonder WHEN WILL IT END!  

[Rickybee]

Thank you for your replies @cstein I here you... oh man I hear you I pray for the day she no longer reserves space in my mind, I feel so... well... .abused and discarded

[Rickybee]

So hard stil coming to terms with the fact I trusted a person who did nothing but lie, manipulate and cheat whilst using me the whole time, she was convincing but so so much unusual bizarre behaviour, just a very poorly girl, very evil and cruel... she puts on an act outside as a silly happy go lucky nice hearted girl, but once at home she fights her dark side by cleaning obsessively all night every night... with a face like thunder... looking clearly disturbed... i would not want to be to deal with what she does that's for sure but what I was dealt was beyond belief it felt, cutting, silent treatment, withdrawel, idealization, devaluation, one abortion during an episode, I truly felt sorry for her she had shaped me quite well with her lies and victim act, although she might be a victim of something who knows... her folks had to hide all the kitchen knives from the kitchen when she was a young teenager, her family thought she was truly evil growing up, I don't know the half of what she is about only what ive figured out and what she and others close to her have told me... maybe she was just born this way I don't know... but its sad... i can't help but still ffeel anger and hurt and confusion some days... seeing a picture of her looking happy with her replacement on holiday has crushed me today... .whilst I'm still struggling with little to do and on my own all the time whilst she speeded off into bliss and a future with him after suddenly crushing mine, time stood still for me... doesn't seem fair at all being as I am the good guy here and she was the awful cruel witch... excuse my words for her but what I witnessed was evil... she smirked at me upon me discovering she had been cheating... she smirked as my world and life ended... .or at least felt like that at the time... i was in trauma for months... it does settle down but seeing a photo, or driving past somewhere we once visited together etc etc trigger me still and make me feel very sad and alone