I'm struggling today

[Lifewriter16]

Hi All.

My anxiety levels have cranked up since I spoke to the worker at the domestic violence project yesterday. With impeccable timing, my BPDxbf sent a brief text this morning. I answered briefly and boringly and then deleted his email address before I could memorise it or get tempted to try to reconnect. I have noticed that for each step I take to move away from my BPDxbf, I get an opposite urge to contact him. I'm trying to disempower that side of me. I am at risk of contacting him and I suspect the only reason we're not in the middle of a conversation right now is because he doesn't want contact. I'm still terribly conflicted. The best I could do is remove all computer equipment from the house, but I'd only go to the library. I'm still desperate to speak to him and I know I'm in a mess. So, I looked up trauma bonding and I'd say I fit the criteria for stockholm syndrome, no wonder I have the urge to reconnect fits in. My assessment is that I'm in worse shape than I thought I was. Denial is a wonderful thing.

I'm sat on my own right now, which is the worst thing I could do. I'm feeling progressively worse. I'm getting some fleeting suicidal ideation and feel in the middle of a psychological battle with myself. I need to do something to break this gridlock. It's horrible.

Lifewriter

[eeks]

Hi LW,

I get the sense that what might be happening here is that you've taken some truly positive steps for yourself, getting information about this support group, and your self-protective mechanisms are pulling out the big guns to keep you silent (and safe... .maybe evoking memories of having to keep family secrets and protect reputations)

Please keep posting, ask us for whatever will help.  You're taking the right steps, going in the right direction, and it may be hard with those intense emotions to trust that that's the case right now.  But I strongly believe it.  I'm proud of you.

eeks

[HurtinNW]

Lifewriter, I'm proud of you for being so honest. I wish I could give you a real hug   

I haven't shared this before, but during my relationship with my ex I became suicidal a few times. The immense black cloud of pain of being with him. the horrible trauma he had reenacted on me, the flooding of my past and PTSD... .I was in such incredible pain every time he got abusive and broke up with me. He would break up with me and would leave me in the pain. That's how it felt.

I definitely have had a trauma bond with my ex. It has felt like I cannot live without him, that I am literally missing a part of my body when he is gone. it also fits Stockholm Syndrome, big time.

I read somewhere that studies have shown in you abuse animals they become even more slavish and eager to please you. That totally fits with what has happened with me. I know for me a big part is wanting him to take it back, wanting him to stop hurting me, wanting him to accept and love me.

Trying to detach after being left in the pain, when you do have a trauma bond, is just immensely hard. I can tell you that I am now going on three months and it is getting much easier. I still have a lot of pain, but there are moments and times of respite from it, and I am noticing I am having times of happiness. It's like seeing the sun through flashes of clouds. For me not having contact has been key. The longer I go without seeing him the better I feel. Truthfully, I feel better now in many ways than I have for years.

Can I ask you, what do you think would happen with your body if he did call him? Can you imagine the sensations, the feelings? Would it really be happiness, or would it just be relief from this current pain? That's a temporary relief, as you know. And in return that temporary relief brings even more and greater pain.

Sending you all my love and support, across the oceans.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi guys.

I got through last night and slept well. My BPDxbf contacted me part way through the evening to update me on his wife's neglect case. UK state social services have now confirmed that they will be going to court to try to take the children into care.  There's a 6 year old girl in the middle of this situation and it's a trigger for me. On some level, I feel like I am that child. There are no relatives that they consider to be suitable to take over the care of the children. The social worker dealing with the case has told my BPDxbf that they won't place his daughter with him as she considers that caring for her 24/7 would make him ill. My BPDxbf was initially accepting of this but is now hoping to prove himself slowly over time to eventually get custody. I doubt that will happen and have a nagging worry that he could become suicidal again. He has made a number of attempts including throwing himself off a car park, so the risk is real. It's hard to stay away when I am well aware that he could take his life, but, I managed to keep emails to a bare minimum and re-delete his email address. Part of me just wants to throw myself into his arms, another part desperately wants to rescue that little girl but I'm not acting on those urges.

I think you may be right in your assessment of what's going on with me, eeks. I've got 10 days to get through until my first dv group session. I think that if I can only get myself through the door next Tuesday, I'll be okay. If I can admit what's been going on to real people in a situation where I am not anonymous, the spell will be broken. I think that's magical thinking though. I feel like a child.

Hi Hurtin. I'm sorry to hear that things have been so bad for you, but I am terribly grateful to you for sharing your experiences with me. I've had other times during my relationship when I have had suicidal thoughts.  I didn't know how I could possibly get through the rest of my life without him after one particular breakup. Another time, he was raging at me for something, G*d knows what, and I told my BPDxbf that I wished I was dead. He responded with further rage. He wanted to know how I could be so selfish as to tell him I wanted to 'kill myself' when I knew he is a widower and that it would cause him great pain. That's when I first decided he was a complete b*st*rd who really didn't give a sh!t about me.

I don't think I'd ever act on my suicidal thoughts. It's more like it comes from the depths of me, it's primal pain, I'm almost howling it out, like a wolf. I can appear almost fine on the surface, yet these things are sloshing around on the inside. Sometimes, it's scary.

Anyway, I am going for a day trip to York today with a good friend. That will help. And I will keep posting... .

Love Lifewriter

[heartandwhole]

Hi Lifewriter,

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling today.  These times are so hard; I've been there. Hang in there, and keep writing, we are here for you. I know it's not the same as having your ex by your side, but your experience has shown you that he is not able to help you through this.

When the feeling of urgency to contact and connect comes up, can you feel and breathe through it? Perhaps move your body in some way that feels freer? I know how strong the impulse to act on our feelings are, but sometimes it's better to do nothing until we can give the desperation and panic a chance to pass through.

It's so understandable and normal to want to end the pain, the confusion, the feelings. I felt that way, too. But, as you know, when we cut ourselves off from "negative" feelings, it makes it impossible to feel the "good" ones, too. There is no way to filter the bad ones out.

The way out is through, Lifewriter. One minute at a time, if needed. You can do this, and we are here for you.  

heartandwhole

[Lifewriter16]

When the feeling of urgency to contact and connect comes up, can you feel and breathe through it? Perhaps move your body in some way that feels freer? I know how strong the impulse to act on our feelings are, but sometimes it's better to do nothing until we can give the desperation and panic a chance to pass through.

It's so understandable and normal to want to end the pain, the confusion, the feelings. I felt that way, too. But, as you know, when we cut ourselves off from "negative" feelings, it makes it impossible to feel the "good" ones, too. There is no way to filter the bad ones out.

The way out is through, Lifewriter. One minute at a time, if needed. You can do this, and we are here for you. 

Okay heartandwhole. That's something I can do in my situation. I can feel that circumstances are so out of my control that it helps to have something I can do, no matter how small... .Thank you. Lifewriter x

[HurtinNW]

Thank you, Lifewriter. I want to emphasize that the further I have detached from the relationship the better I feel. Those suicidal thoughts and urges came in the worst of it, when we were recycling through constant abuse. I can't imagine feeling that way now. I am feeling better than I have for years.

What I have noticed is the pain of detaching is different than the pain of being in these relationships, for me. This pain of detaching is horrible, but it feels like a clean pain. It is actually rather empowering. The longer I go without contact, the stronger I feel. The better I feel. I am getting a lot more clarity. I feel like I am returning to being "me."

Please remember you cannot save his little girl. That sounds harsh, but it is true. Social services will do the best they can. As you know I adopted my kids from foster care, and they came from these kind of situations. Their parents are either mentally ill or in prison, or on the streets. One was a murderer. It may be the best thing for his little girl to go into foster care and get adopted by a nice, stable family.

It's wise you can see your urge to save her is really about saving yourself, your little child self who so wanted to be loved.

Hugs to you