Is that what this all came down to?

[Depression = 72% of members]

First and foremost, I can't tell you all how cathartic this board has been for me as I've wandered through hell on earth over the last few months (and here for a month and counting).  Seeing how common my misadventures are is surely cold comfort, but it's nice to know that not only is my situation common among pwBPD relationships, but that I can recover from what appeared to be a pretty damn bottomless pit of despair.

Speaking of these boards, in commenting back and forth with another poster, I had a pretty shiny moment of clarity:  the chemistry with my wife was virtually all that she gave me, but it was all I needed from her.  She gave me something I had never had before, and in doses that very, very closely mimicked my adventures with euphoriants from my younger days.  I'm almost certain that the chemistry we share with our BPD SOs is what I'm reading about over and over on this site, because god knows these aren't healthy, reciprocal relationships otherwise.

So, is that what this all comes down to?  I have a very good life in almost every respect, only my wife gave me something I'd never had and hadn't gotten with anyone else, and now that she's out of the picture I'm worried that I'll never have that again?   Is that it?  She had something unique to give me?

And if it is, does that make me some sort of personality-disordered individual?  I read a lot about supply with pwBPD and their need to get it or replace it, but my wife is a unique supply I've never experienced, and I am not exactly sanguine on replacing her ever and have no hopes of experiencing that connection with anyone anytime soon.  So does that make me just as needy as her?  Is the fact that years and years and years into our relationship that one touch or kiss or night can erase so many bad behaviors and lack of giving on her part a sign that I'm just as messed up as she is? 

I truly feel like, two months into this, I've finally at least smelled my reasons for feeling so low:  My wife's affection is like a drug, and I'm in withdrawal.  But could that alone explain this?  It sure feels like it at the moment.

[Icanteven]

First and foremost, I can't tell you all how cathartic this board has been for me as I've wandered through hell on earth over the last few months (and here for a month and counting).  Seeing how common my misadventures are is surely cold comfort, but it's nice to know that not only is my situation common among pwBPD relationships, but that I can recover from what appeared to be a pretty damn bottomless pit of despair.

Speaking of these boards, in commenting back and forth with another poster, I had a pretty shiny moment of clarity:  the chemistry with my wife was virtually all that she gave me, but it was all I needed from her.  She gave me something I had never had before, and in doses that very, very closely mimicked my adventures with euphoriants from my younger days.  I'm almost certain that the chemistry we share with our BPD SOs is what I'm reading about over and over on this site, because god knows these aren't healthy, reciprocal relationships otherwise.

So, is that what this all comes down to?  I have a very good life in almost every respect, only my wife gave me something I'd never had and hadn't gotten with anyone else, and now that she's out of the picture I'm worried that I'll never have that again?   Is that it?  She had something unique to give me?

And if it is, does that make me some sort of personality-disordered individual?  I read a lot about supply with pwBPD and their need to get it or replace it, but my wife is a unique supply I've never experienced, and I am not exactly sanguine on replacing her ever and have no hopes of experiencing that connection with anyone anytime soon.  So does that make me just as needy as her?  Is the fact that years and years and years into our relationship that one touch or kiss or night can erase so many bad behaviors and lack of giving on her part a sign that I'm just as messed up as she is? 

I truly feel like, two months into this, I've finally at least smelled my reasons for feeling so low:  My wife's affection is like a drug, and I'm in withdrawal.  But could that alone explain this?  It sure feels like it at the moment.

[sweet tooth]

First and foremost, I can't tell you all how cathartic this board has been for me as I've wandered through hell on earth over the last few months (and here for a month and counting).  Seeing how common my misadventures are is surely cold comfort, but it's nice to know that not only is my situation common among pwBPD relationships, but that I can recover from what appeared to be a pretty damn bottomless pit of despair.

Speaking of these boards, in commenting back and forth with another poster, I had a pretty shiny moment of clarity:  the chemistry with my wife was virtually all that she gave me, but it was all I needed from her.  She gave me something I had never had before, and in doses that very, very closely mimicked my adventures with euphoriants from my younger days.  I'm almost certain that the chemistry we share with our BPD SOs is what I'm reading about over and over on this site, because god knows these aren't healthy, reciprocal relationships otherwise.

So, is that what this all comes down to?  I have a very good life in almost every respect, only my wife gave me something I'd never had and hadn't gotten with anyone else, and now that she's out of the picture I'm worried that I'll never have that again?   Is that it?  She had something unique to give me?

And if it is, does that make me some sort of personality-disordered individual?  I read a lot about supply with pwBPD and their need to get it or replace it, but my wife is a unique supply I've never experienced, and I am not exactly sanguine on replacing her ever and have no hopes of experiencing that connection with anyone anytime soon.  So does that make me just as needy as her?  Is the fact that years and years and years into our relationship that one touch or kiss or night can erase so many bad behaviors and lack of giving on her part a sign that I'm just as messed up as she is? 

I truly feel like, two months into this, I've finally at least smelled my reasons for feeling so low:  My wife's affection is like a drug, and I'm in withdrawal.  But could that alone explain this?  It sure feels like it at the moment.

You might have issues of some kind, but just the fact that you're self aware that there is a problem and you're willing to take steps to change it means two things:

1. You are nowhere near as messed up as she is. People with BPD are either oblivious that there is a problem or, if they do have some self awareness, unwilling to do anything to change it.

2. You don't have a personality disorder.  Like I said, if you are self aware enough to realize that there's a problem then you have issues that need to be addressed, but not anything to that extreme.

[Oncebitten]

Icanteven,

You sound a lot like me... .the connection is so intense you never believed it was possible.  I am currently going through withdrawal... .I know she was bad for me but I still want that fix... .I agree with sweettooth I don't think there is anything wrong with you... .pwBPD have that effect on us non's you start to question your own sanity... .I know I have.  Worse case scenario you are like me... .the fixer type thought you could help her... .led you to becoming codependent on her.  Thats my problem I let her become my sole source of happiness.  Just my two cents been doing a lot of reading lately on BPD.

[KarmasReal]

Icanteven, once bitten,

We my friends are birds of a feather. I can't tell you how much I relate to what you have said as it is what I'm going through in almost every way.

I agree these boards are somewhat of a cold comfort in the fact that our feelings are still so raw but this bird does have people in the same situations to learn from and help out.

I've never really seen someone say it as you have but I think you are absolutely right, in least from my own experience. The chemistry with my exBPD was insane! I've never known someone I could connect on a level like this with. The connection wasn't purely physical, we didn't have the same exact hobbies or likes, we probably didn't even share healthy love or the same ideals. But that connection existed on a plane that is too difficult to describe but my god was that chemistry intoxicating.

Your question is one I ask myself everyday, will I ever find that chemistry, that connection with another? It was unique, they are very unique individuals in the good and the bad alike.

I wouldn't give up hope on finding chemistry with another. It's out there, hopefully with a healthy person this time. I hope this for you, me, and all of us. There were many interactions between me and my exBPD that led to me forgiving or forgetting bad behaviors. she had me under the spell.

You ask do this make us personality disordered individuals for feeling like this? There's no easy answer besides yes and no. Some people here could be classic codependants, others could fall under narcissistic personality, others here could have no disorders and just loved the wrong person. So I think that's an individual question you should think about, or maybe see a therapist about that. I am currently.

This absolutely feels like withdrawal to me. And my coping hasn't been very good thus far. I have literally tried the feel the void with anything. I tried other addictive things to replace her, alcohol, cigarettes, other women. I know at one month out I'm in a bit of a funk, lets say, for finding a way to recreate that high. But there in lies the problem with addiction. I can't recreate it, just like drugs and alcohol chasing the high only leaves you hurt, just like BPD relationships. They can be described the exact same way. The only way to heal is to recreate ourselves and become a healthy version again. Only then will we be free.

[Ahoy]

Ross Rosenberg, author of the human magnet syndrome has a theory that people with co-dependent traits are (like our borderline partners) only partially developed. He argues we have needs to feel 'whole' just like they do and this is why a borderline/co-dependent relationship is so addictive and the magnetism/chemistry is so intense.

When we inevitably separate, we feel this emptiness very keenly (some of us were not aware it even existed until this relationship!) and it's a bitter pill to swallow.

Now I'm not completely sold on his theories, but you know what, I was reasonably happy by myself until this relationship. Now I'm separated, I'm finding the loneliness is probably the hardest thing to overcome, maybe he is right, maybe I'm not fully developed (emotionally) and a truly emotionally healthy person can feel happy on their own, as their happiness doesn't solely come from being with another person.

It's not a pleasant thought if this is true, I feel a lot of the 'chemistry' between my wife and I WAS because we 'completed' one another, our relationship filled our needs, albeit temporarily.

IF this is true, the good news for me and other co-dependent types, is we can grow and become this 'whole' person, who is able to love themselves and not bring this neediness into another relationship, our poor borderlines have little room to grow an the patterns repeat... .

I sincerely worry the chemistry experienced with my wife will be hard to find again, it was next-level awesome BUT I also see how my own insecurities played into how intense our bond was. I remember in the time leading up to my discard, when we were long distance that I actually had times were I didn't have much to say to her and conversation did not flow smoothly (something that NEVER happened between us).

I like to think that this level of chemistry is possible again, it's just not going to be like fireworks going off, it will be built on a solid foundation, probably from years of trust, mutual respect and genuine honest love.

Bit of a waffle of a post sorry!

[Nuitari]

I can really relate to everything being said here. I bonded with someone in a way that I didn't know was possible, and I lost a part of myself to her that I'll never get back. That's the only way I know to describe my experience. She was unique, and I'm afraid I'll never find with someone else what I had with her. What I'm finding hard to process is the knowledge that, while she was unique, I wasn't. I, like all her former lovers, was always expendible and easily replaced. I was a tool she used for a while, and then tossed aside. How can they generate so much chemistry with us and display so much seemingly genuine affection for us, and then just walk away?

[Nuitari]

Ross Rosenberg, author of the human magnet syndrome has a theory that people with co-dependent traits are (like our borderline partners) only partially developed. He argues we have needs to feel 'whole' just like they do and this is why a borderline/co-dependent relationship is so addictive and the magnetism/chemistry is so intense.

When we inevitably separate, we feel this emptiness very keenly (some of us were not aware it even existed until this relationship!) and it's a bitter pill to swallow.

Now I'm not completely sold on his theories, but you know what, I was reasonably happy by myself until this relationship. Now I'm separated, I'm finding the loneliness is probably the hardest thing to overcome, maybe he is right, maybe I'm not fully developed (emotionally) and a truly emotionally healthy person can feel happy on their own, as their happiness doesn't solely come from being with another person.

It's not a pleasant thought if this is true, I feel a lot of the 'chemistry' between my wife and I WAS because we 'completed' one another, our relationship filled our needs, albeit temporarily.

IF this is true, the good news for me and other co-dependent types, is we can grow and become this 'whole' person, who is able to love themselves and not bring this neediness into another relationship, our poor borderlines have little room to grow an the patterns repeat... .

I sincerely worry the chemistry experienced with my wife will be hard to find again, it was next-level awesome BUT I also see how my own insecurities played into how intense our bond was. I remember in the time leading up to my discard, when we were long distance that I actually had times were I didn't have much to say to her and conversation did not flow smoothly (something that NEVER happened between us).

I like to think that this level of chemistry is possible again, it's just not going to be like fireworks going off, it will be built on a solid foundation, probably from years of trust, mutual respect and genuine honest love.

Bit of a waffle of a post sorry!

Before my relationship with my borderline, I had been alone for several years. I didn't date much and considered myself a loner. I didn't feel a need to be in a relationship. I didn't need someone to complete me to be happy, and I was never lonely. At least that's what I always told myself. My borderline made me question all of this. She woke something up in me, and I think I gained some self-awareness that I previously didn't have. I now think that, all those years, I actually was lonely. I just didn't know it. I couldn't admit to myself for whatever reason. So maybe that article is on to something. I tell myself that I can use this experience to grow as a person, to be thankful of my new found self-awareness. But some days I'd give anything to be the old me again, to be alone and happy and without a need for companionship or introspection. But those days are gone forever. When I look back on those days, I don't know who that guy is. That's how much my ex changed me.

[Dhand77]

Ross Rosenberg, author of the human magnet syndrome has a theory that people with co-dependent traits are (like our borderline partners) only partially developed. He argues we have needs to feel 'whole' just like they do and this is why a borderline/co-dependent relationship is so addictive and the magnetism/chemistry is so intense.

When we inevitably separate, we feel this emptiness very keenly (some of us were not aware it even existed until this relationship!) and it's a bitter pill to swallow.

Now I'm not completely sold on his theories, but you know what, I was reasonably happy by myself until this relationship. Now I'm separated, I'm finding the loneliness is probably the hardest thing to overcome, maybe he is right, maybe I'm not fully developed (emotionally) and a truly emotionally healthy person can feel happy on their own, as their happiness doesn't solely come from being with another person.

It's not a pleasant thought if this is true, I feel a lot of the 'chemistry' between my wife and I WAS because we 'completed' one another, our relationship filled our needs, albeit temporarily.

IF this is true, the good news for me and other co-dependent types, is we can grow and become this 'whole' person, who is able to love themselves and not bring this neediness into another relationship, our poor borderlines have little room to grow an the patterns repeat... .

I sincerely worry the chemistry experienced with my wife will be hard to find again, it was next-level awesome BUT I also see how my own insecurities played into how intense our bond was. I remember in the time leading up to my discard, when we were long distance that I actually had times were I didn't have much to say to her and conversation did not flow smoothly (something that NEVER happened between us).

I like to think that this level of chemistry is possible again, it's just not going to be like fireworks going off, it will be built on a solid foundation, probably from years of trust, mutual respect and genuine honest love.

Bit of a waffle of a post sorry!

Before my relationship with my borderline, I had been alone for several years. I didn't date much and considered myself a loner. I didn't feel a need to be in a relationship. I didn't need someone to complete me to be happy, and I was never lonely. At least that's what I always told myself. My borderline made me question all of this. She woke something up in me, and I think I gained some self-awareness that I previously didn't have. I now think that, all those years, I actually was lonely. I just didn't know it. I couldn't admit to myself for whatever reason. So maybe that article is on to something. I tell myself that I can use this experience to grow as a person, to be thankful of my new found self-awareness. But some days I'd give anything to be the old me again, to be alone and happy and without a need for companionship or introspection. But those days are gone forever. When I look back on those days, I don't know who that guy is. That's how much my ex changed me.

Yes. This is exactly how I'm feeling. I miss the old me.  A lot sometimes. But with the amount of introspection I've gone through, I don't feel like he exists anymore. This is starting to become a huge wake up call for me as I'm starting to realize things about myself that need fixing. But that guy from 7 months ago, I'm totally not that guy anymore.

I'm kinda glad I can be introspective, I can improve. My ex can't.

[Oncebitten]

Nutari Ahoy

I feel exactly the same way... .I was relatively happy until her... .And those days I had that were bad days didn't seem that bad.  Bordines seem to have the ability to make you feel things more deeply than you thought possible.  They expose your weaknesses and feed off them... .most psychology says that pwBPD feel their emotions more strongly than the rest of us... .and they try to fill some void inside themselves with good emotions from others... .problem is even at our best we can't fill that void for them... .and when they realize that is when they turn on you... .I know that was my experience anyways.  She would ask for something, and when I accomplished that she would assign a new task until I met that goal... .finally it got to the point where the request became impossible, thats when the constant fights started... .over things that should have caused fights... .

My weakness the one she found and exposed was deep down I was lonely too... .I didn't know it until she came along and made me feel complete... .and now thats gone... .so is the ignorant fool I was before I met her... .I look at it this way ver 1.0 is the guy I was before her... .ver 2.0 is the guy I became with her... .I have to figure out how to build me 3.0... .I can't stay where I am and I can't go back... so its improve and move on... .or die trying

[sflearnignbpd]

Nutari Ahoy

I feel exactly the same way... .I was relatively happy until her... .And those days I had that were bad days didn't seem that bad.  Bordines seem to have the ability to make you feel things more deeply than you thought possible.  They expose your weaknesses and feed off them... .most psychology says that pwBPD feel their emotions more strongly than the rest of us... .and they try to fill some void inside themselves with good emotions from others... .problem is even at our best we can't fill that void for them... .and when they realize that is when they turn on you... .I know that was my experience anyways.  She would ask for something, and when I accomplished that she would assign a new task until I met that goal... .finally it got to the point where the request became impossible, thats when the constant fights started... .over things that should have caused fights... .

My weakness the one she found and exposed was deep down I was lonely too... .I didn't know it until she came along and made me feel complete... .and now thats gone... .so is the ignorant fool I was before I met her... .I look at it this way ver 1.0 is the guy I was before her... .ver 2.0 is the guy I became with her... .I have to figure out how to build me 3.0... .I can't stay where I am and I can't go back... so its improve and move on... .or die trying

Well said.  It amazes me how much I can relate the stories and emotions that all of you feel.

[once removed]

hi Icanteven  

i can relate. i felt more comfortable with my ex than i have felt with any other human being. i felt as if i could do no wrong. i felt, before we even met, that we understood each other on some familiar level. soulmates.

odds are, your ex did have something unique to give to you. what that is is something we each have to discover in our own time (we, and a good therapist can help). you are on the right track with the questions youre asking.

does that make you a personality disordered individual or not? no. but we arent qualified to diagnose you, and to suggest you are or arent would be for us to inhibit your process of self discovery. personality disordered individuals do have varying levels of self awareness, some much more than others - you see this in the diagnosed people with BPD that arrive at these forums, i have seen it in my ex, and its typically what leads to a diagnosis and treatment. its a common refrain on these boards - "if you even ask if you have a personality disorder, you probably dont".

some hard truths:

slightly over half of partners with BPD are personality disordered themselves. probably more than that have traits.

a hall mark of a "BPD relationship" is emotional immaturity in both partners.

as KarmasReal suggests, the narcissist/borderline couple is a very powerful draw, and a very loaded bond. legendary - books have been written on the subject. (note: "supply" is more associated with narcissism - not so much BPD)

many here identify as codependent, have one or more disordered parents, etc. (note: ross rosenberg insists codependency is a disorder - the dsm does not)

eye opening stuff. it behooves all of us to see an objective therapist, who we can work all of this out with.

I truly feel like, two months into this, I've finally at least smelled my reasons for feeling so low:  My wife's affection is like a drug, and I'm in withdrawal.  But could that alone explain this?  It sure feels like it at the moment.

also common among partners of people with BPD is addiction/substance abuse. youve made a connection here. could that alone explain it? theres probably more to it. when it comes to addiction - its usually about more than the drug or its effects, but the reasons for using it.

bottom line? youre coming out of a traumatic experience. youre grieving a relationship. youre emerging and detaching from a very loaded bond. this will make you feel as if youre going crazy. it will dig up issues that insist upon being resolved. really overwhelming stuff.

as for the incredible bond - i think it behooves everyone that gaining emotional maturity be a crucial part in detaching. i cant speak for everyone, but for me personally, the draw, the attraction, simply are no longer there. i think if i were who i am today, they never would have been. that doesnt mean the draw and attraction werent real - they were very real, intensely real. my ex did tap into a vulnerability i hadnt been able to show to others. i like to think im a more authentic version of myself now, who can be vulnerable with friends and family. i spread it out. certain emotional/bonding needs are met by different people. my relationships are better and my life is enriched as a result. do i think you and i (and all of us) both can have an incredible (but healthy) bond with someone in the future? i do. my advice is to develop that bond with yourself first  

[thrownforaloop]

hi Icanteven  

i can relate. i felt more comfortable with my ex than i have felt with any other human being. i felt as if i could do no wrong. i felt, before we even met, that we understood each other on some familiar level. soulmates.

odds are, your ex did have something unique to give to you. what that is is something we each have to discover in our own time (we, and a good therapist can help). you are on the right track with the questions youre asking.

does that make you a personality disordered individual or not? no. but we arent qualified to diagnose you, and to suggest you are or arent would be for us to inhibit your process of self discovery. personality disordered individuals do have varying levels of self awareness, some much more than others - you see this in the diagnosed people with BPD that arrive at these forums, i have seen it in my ex, and its typically what leads to a diagnosis and treatment. its a common refrain on these boards - "if you even ask if you have a personality disorder, you probably dont".

some hard truths:

slightly over half of partners with BPD are personality disordered themselves. probably more than that have traits.

a hall mark of a "BPD relationship" is emotional immaturity in both partners.

as KarmasReal suggests, the narcissist/borderline couple is a very powerful draw, and a very loaded bond. legendary - books have been written on the subject. (note: "supply" is more associated with narcissism - not so much BPD)

many here identify as codependent, have one or more disordered parents, etc. (note: ross rosenberg insists codependency is a disorder - the dsm does not)

eye opening stuff. it behooves all of us to see an objective therapist, who we can work all of this out with.

I truly feel like, two months into this, I've finally at least smelled my reasons for feeling so low:  My wife's affection is like a drug, and I'm in withdrawal.  But could that alone explain this?  It sure feels like it at the moment.

also common among partners of people with BPD is addiction/substance abuse. youve made a connection here. could that alone explain it? theres probably more to it. when it comes to addiction - its usually about more than the drug or its effects, but the reasons for using it.

bottom line? youre coming out of a traumatic experience. youre grieving a relationship. youre emerging and detaching from a very loaded bond. this will make you feel as if youre going crazy. it will dig up issues that insist upon being resolved. really overwhelming stuff.

as for the incredible bond - i think it behooves everyone that gaining emotional maturity be a crucial part in detaching. i cant speak for everyone, but for me personally, the draw, the attraction, simply are no longer there. i think if i were who i am today, they never would have been. that doesnt mean the draw and attraction werent real - they were very real, intensely real. my ex did tap into a vulnerability i hadnt been able to show to others. i like to think im a more authentic version of myself now, who can be vulnerable with friends and family. i spread it out. certain emotional/bonding needs are met by different people. my relationships are better and my life is enriched as a result. do i think you and i (and all of us) both can have an incredible (but healthy) bond with someone in the future? i do. my advice is to develop that bond with yourself first  

All amazing points, once removed.

I also wanted to mention that some of the strong connection may come from the pwBPD's emotional abuse in some cases. For instance, mentioning that a lot of you were okay alone before your relationship, and then not afterwards--makes me wonder how much they were filling your head with their voice.

My family members literally had to give me an intervention to get me to acknowledge how unhealthy the relationship I was in was. I remember my brother saying, "You are speaking for her, that's her voice coming from your head." So, my conclusion... .is that strong emotional connection just us adapting to a traumatic relationship that we feel too invested in to leave? For me, the idea that she always needed help, that there were always problems, it was addicting. It felt like, maybe after we solve this riddle, she can live a super happy life. She never made it there though, probably never will.

[Icanteven]

odds are, your ex did have something unique to give to you. what that is is something we each have to discover in our own time (we, and a good therapist can help). you are on the right track with the questions youre asking.

In therapy last night, we pretty much landed on the idea that my wife provided the passion that was missing from my life for several decades.  And, that she was the missing puzzle piece that I couldn't do for myself.  I am very successful professionally, and very blessed in my personal life, but I couldn't give myself the passion and the intimacy my wife brought to our relationship, and after years bouncing between lots of crazy one night stands to monogamy with marriage material that lacked passion, she seemed like a unicorn.  Yes, there were red flags, but it was the passion and the intimacy that spoke to something buried way down inside of me that I wanted to dig up.

does that make you a personality disordered individual or not? no. but we arent qualified to diagnose you, and to suggest you are or arent would be for us to inhibit your process of self discovery. personality disordered individuals do have varying levels of self awareness, some much more than others - you see this in the diagnosed people with BPD that arrive at these forums, i have seen it in my ex, and its typically what leads to a diagnosis and treatment. its a common refrain on these boards - "if you even ask if you have a personality disorder, you probably dont".

some hard truths:

slightly over half of partners with BPD are personality disordered themselves. probably more than that have traits.

a hall mark of a "BPD relationship" is emotional immaturity in both partners.

as KarmasReal suggests, the narcissist/borderline couple is a very powerful draw, and a very loaded bond. legendary - books have been written on the subject. (note: "supply" is more associated with narcissism - not so much BPD)

many here identify as codependent, have one or more disordered parents, etc. (note: ross rosenberg insists codependency is a disorder - the dsm does not)

eye opening stuff. it behooves all of us to see an objective therapist, who we can work all of this out with.

My T and I have gone through quite a few exercises trying to drill down to why I was attracted to my wife in the first place.  Beyond what I mentioned in the preceding paragraph, I was in a very bad spot in my life when she and I met, and after years of being fairly independent, I was drawn to her via the passion missing from my life, and the fact that I wasn't especially emotionally healthy when we met. My T and I met again after being on the board last night, and he had to remind me that we've gone through exercises to identify NPD and other personality/mood disordered traits, and that's just not me.  I do have co-dependent features (SHOCKING!) that can be traced to childhood trauma, which kinda makes sense but is embarrassing that it took professional therapy to realize something that seems so obvious in retrospect.

I think the windup is, that, therapy has stripped down all the rationalizing and excuse making and crazy making and nonsense to a couple of basic truths, and it's ok if that's the truth; it's just hard that the truth is so brutal. 

[once removed]

I also wanted to mention that some of the strong connection may come from the pwBPD's emotional abuse in some cases. For instance, mentioning that a lot of you were okay alone before your relationship, and then not afterwards--makes me wonder how much they were filling your head with their voice.

My family members literally had to give me an intervention to get me to acknowledge how unhealthy the relationship I was in was. I remember my brother saying, "You are speaking for her, that's her voice coming from your head." So, my conclusion... .is that strong emotional connection just us adapting to a traumatic relationship that we feel too invested in to leave? For me, the idea that she always needed help, that there were always problems, it was addicting. It felt like, maybe after we solve this riddle, she can live a super happy life. She never made it there though, probably never will.

abuse tends to be insidious - slowly develops over time. romantic relationships usually are not built on a person running up to you and punching you in the face - physically or verbally.

generally speaking, our partners did not prime us for these kinds of dynamics - we were receptive and/or vulnerable.

Icanteven, its great that youre seeing a therapist, getting to the bottom of all of this, and making connections. again, i can very much relate. i hadnt resolved, or bounced back from a previous relationship. i was stagnant, and i lacked direction. my life wasnt stimulating or rich. and yes, there was a loneliness i wasnt fully aware of (as an introvert, i really enjoy my alone time). part of me, i think, saw my ex as a vehicle to a better more fulfilling life.

remember, we are all learning about ourselves, and these are things virtually none of us were aware of, at least not consciously. no need for embarrassment - for most of us, our lives and our selves seemed very normal.

the hard truths are the hardest part. youre to be commended for facing them and youre very much on the right path