To mention the disorder or not? Sending anonymous mail?

[whiplashed_mom]

They cut us  out of their lives, completely. My son who must be suffering , and also suffering with Stockholm Syndrome, (He is just her mouthpiece, and has no thoughts of his own, it would seem.) doesn't know about BPD. I'm thinking of sending him a book anonymously, since we are disallowed from ever contacting them. It's been a year since I saw them. I really have nothing to lose, save a dim hope of them letting us be in contact again, one day. I heard one book, " A dbt Skills Workshop... .", (McKay) never mentions BPD, except in the authors' descriptions. So, should I tell him about BPD? (He was required to tell her everything, last I knew.) Or, do I try to get him a little help without labeling, or nothing? I can't stand to let the years go by with him not knowing what he is dealing with.

[Chilibean13]

I'm really sorry but I'm having a difficult time understanding this post. Who are you wanting to tell about the disorder?

[whiplashed_mom]

My young adult son is married to an uBPD, and has a baby with her. When she became pregnant, she moved them away from us, without telling us, and cut off relationships with us, his family and most of their friends.

They have written a couple of letters continuing to blame us for the cutting off. They also wrote others a letter, also horrible, but those folks won't share with me what it said. The last letter showed that they've gone off the deep end, continuing to blame us by imagining the evil we are doing in the year we've had no contact.

She's convinced him that he must tell her everything. He appears to go along with everything she says. He does not know about BPD.

I want him to find out what he is dealing with sooner than later. It may already be too late. I am heartbroken and haven't found anyone here in a similar situation.

[wanttoknowmore]

Its very tempting to tell pwBPD that they have a condition called, BPD/Complex PTSD/Develeopmental trauma disorder etc)

The goal of the Non is very noble most of the time as he/she thinks it will help pwBPD and she might recognize and try to get treated for this When you  tell as her loved one, the reaction is most likely will be:

(1)She will say she is fine ... .its you have a mental problem. (projection)

(2) She might get very angry and either scream, yell ,insult you OR will give you silent treatment for days/months.

(3) In severe cases, she might just end the relationship and go hook up with anyone else to sooth herself.

However, it depends on pwBPD as they come in different flavors and intensities. I have told my exBPD that she might have some kind of attachment disorder BUT, the bottomline is say it with support, kindness and lovingly and keep it very short(dont elaborate)

The safer option is to let her therapist/psychiatrist tell her the diagnosis.

[Chilibean13]

Thanks for the clarification. How sad and frustrating this must be for you. TO be painted black to your son and not be able to get him to see differently. It puts you in a tough spot. Do you attempt secret contact with your son but risk her finding out and digging her heels in deeper? Or do you try a more direct approach in talking with both of them?

[formflier]

 

Tempting to "fight fire with fire", please don't.

Discuss courses of action here first.

You don't want to make the situation worse.

FF

[whiplashed_mom]

I *am* trying to get advice on taking a course of action. I want to send him a book. Or, if I had the money, I'd rent a billboard on his work commute route. It might say, "Not her knight in shining armour, anymore? It might be BPD".

[Grey Kitty]

I normally give this kind of advice in the context of somebody whose romantic partner has left and won't talk to them... .but that sounds like where you are with your son and D-I-L.

Your relationship with them isn't one where they will listen to you right now. If you try to tell them something, they will just be pissed because you are trying to communicate with them, and not listen to the message at all.

If they guess or figure out that you anonymously sent a book or something, you will be further harming your (already nearly dead) relationship with you.

I think the best thing you can do is attempt to rebuild a relationship with them on the terms they will allow, probably starting with just an ability to be civil when together briefly or Facebook friends, or something similar. A lot of that will probably involve waiting.

I'd also suggest accepting that your son is abused/controlled/scared by his wife, and that he's going to have to find his own way of dealing with it, and find his own support network for that. Your efforts to pry her loose from him won't help. Instead they force him to choose between you and his wife, and he's too scared of his wife to choose you. You already lost that battle. (Assuming that is the path by which your r/s with them was damaged so badly)

[busybee1116]

I kind of tried this. I got my uNPDf (who I did not know was uNPD then) to read SWOE. He then told my mother about the book and that I think she has BPD (THANKS DAD--guess he learned nothing from the book) and it was a complete nightmare. He decided I was wrong, she has never talked to me about it but I know thinks I am cruel for suggesting such an awful thing and my father has used the info against me in drama triangle nonsense.

I think if you send a book, even anonymously, they will figure out it's from you and it will be the last nail in the coffin for your relationship. Forget it. Work on acceptance and if by some miracle things change for your son and he decides to contact you, you can work from there. Even if he figures out she is disordered, he may be ashamed that you "told him so." Most likely, they are convinced they are fine and everyone else is the problem and the book would go right in the trash anyway!

[jdtm]

Agree totally with Grey Kitty and busybee 1116.  Please do NOT send them the book or even hint at some form of mental health issue.  As one previous poster said - it would be the final "nail in the coffin".  Sometimes the only thing we can do is "nothing" except get on with our lives.  I've been there, and boy oh boy, did I try to "fix" something and "all hell broke out"; after all, my expectations were reasonable.  It never ever works.  I guess one of my favourite sayings is "one cannot reason with some one who can not reason" - and that is what we try to do. 

We got on with our lives; and luckily, our uBPD DIL left our son and abandoned her children.  Without us to "blame", their marriage disintegrated (and rather quickly, I might add).  Again, what worked for us was to "get on with our lives".  For us, there really was no other option.  Bit by bit, we are now putting our family back together again, but it will always be cracked.  It is what it is.  So  sorry ... .

[whiplashed_mom]

Thank you for your replies! In light of them, I won't be sending a book, but, I'm still thinking of the bill-board idea---ha!  Your replies, though, with suggestions like this; "I think the best thing you can do is attempt to rebuild a relationship with them on the terms they will allow, probably starting with just an ability to be civil when together briefly or Facebook friends, or something similar." makes me feel that I have some kind of truly unique situation. Though I don't tend to think that is possible.

We are never together briefly or otherwise. I have never called, never emailed and never posted anything to them since they told us not to, and only to send invites since they were married until then. They have hidden every hint of their existence from us, the best they can, even telling the few they still have contact with not to talk to us.

My son was in a very good relationship with us up until she turned us black, after they married. At first, she fawned all over us and he was so happy that  she "loved" his family like he did. Though problems began as soon as they were dating. They were here for his sister's birthday the last time I saw them. They only told us that anything was wrong after they said we could not communicate with them "for an unknown amount of time". These turned into ever longer times without contact from us---just letters from them increasing the accusations and the punishment period.

They have gone off the deep end, saying that we have been lying about them and even putting curses on them. They wrote that they cannot have a relationship with his old friends or family because we have slandered them so much, though we have said nothing!

She had this all planned out from the beginning. Months before she got pregnant, she told one mutual acquaintance that we did not need to be grandparents to her children since I have other children, (to get grandchildren from.) (Their son is the only grandchild in the whole extended family, and my 85 year old mother is heartbroken about what has happened.) She also hinted to my dd that we would not be able to hold the child she was not yet pregnant with, even while she was playing along that everything was fine between us. We even had a happy Christmas together. She was waiting for us to do something that she could use to turn my son against us. She had to wait a long time. It had to be something he agreed was wrong.

While everything was supposedly hunky-dory, she also told my daughter, and then me, a few things that implied she wouldn't be around in the future, months before my son had any idea they were going to move.

We did nothing to cause a bad relationship with our son. Every tension we had with her, while she was around, revolved around her trying to cut him off from us. Then she would turn it around on us. For example; She stopped him from talking to me on a rare occasion when he was talking to me for a minute, and said , "You can talk with him at your house and I will be there since we are married."  This was one of the milder and earlier things that she did. He seems to have made her call to apologize, (the only instance I know of where he thought she was wrong.) but all she did was call and tell me I could talk to him. (He never again attempted to.) Then she turned the conversation into accusing me of prying into their relationship and brought that up in a later letter as a reason that I am cut off. We have never been given a chance to say one word with them since being cut off. Her parents and their very best friends won't talk to us. I guess she doesn't allow any communication from us because she knows her accusations are all lies and she is scared of us.  I have always been on my best behavior with her. She barely let anyone say a word, she was always so busy doing all the talking, telling us the same stories and topics over and over. Strangely, my son looked at her like he had not heard them too many times.

I'm sure most people think we did something terrible to cause this. Some mutual friends believed we must have done something wrong to cause this until they, too, got a crazy letter accusing them of insane things, too. These mutual "friends" went along believing that I was yelling at her, etc. etc. until they were accused of things they knew were lies, too.

Her parents told us she was very hard to deal with a month before the wedding, sth's, but we are now the ones who go without our family member. Son, grandson and uBPDdil just visited them for Mothers Day.

She had my son close his Facebook account at the same time that she had him cut us off. She is such a coward, along with her parents! She has never confronted us, but always had him call or sign the letter, even when we know she wrote it. She reopened her Facebook to announce the baby or tell friends they would be in town, but we are all blocked from seeing anything. (Something I told her was possible to do right before she cut us off!)

Is there anyone else out there in my predicament! How could I be the only one?  I have been told to apologize, though I have done nothing and... .it's a catch 22. We were told to not contact, and we obeyed to get this thing over with, but she began to say that we're doing all these made up things and so now we will never have contact again. She tells others that we have put them through a year of slandering them. Though they made it very difficult by announcing their baby was due before leaving town and us, we have said nothing against them and tried to hide the fact that they are not letting us see the baby or give us any info. about him. They never told us he was born.

[formflier]

 

 

Big hugs from me.  What an emotionally draining situation.

I think focusing on "healthy" communication rules is what is needed here.

On special days, probably a good idea to send a card or something.  Keep it neutral and DO NOT mention the situation.  Express that you are thinking of them and would like to visit/talk.

Wish them well.

Leave it at that.

Avoid "defending" yourself.

What are you doing for self care? 

Focus on that!

FF

[whiplashed_mom]

Thank you for your response. I only fear that contacting them, even with a letter or card might give them something more to resent, since they told us not to. But, then again, what do we have to lose?  They moved without telling us where, but, I can find the address. Thanks formflier and all. 

[formflier]

 

I would think that 1 or 2 cards per year.  Birthday and Christmas is probably sufficient.  Any more than that is likely considered "chasing" or "pushing too hard".

There is another "tactic" to consider.

They obviously don't want to be contacted.  Perhaps honoring their wishes and moving on with life could be the best.

Note:  In all of this, think about what is best and healthiest for you.  What aligns with your values.  Remember that you will gain your satisfaction from what you do and NOT their response.

Thoughts?

FF